⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of self-harm,, please read with caution⚠️

chan dropped felix off from school, walking the boy all the way to the door just because he wanted to.

"bye lix, im sorry if you had a bad day today." chan frowned as he wrapped his arms around the latter.

"it's fine channie, i'm okay! my day was good!" felix smiled to assure the boy what he was saying was true.

"okay sunshine, i'll see you tomorrow?" chan asked the boy.

"of course, get home safely and thank you for the ride!" felix said happily as he walked in his door.

"is that chan?" his grandmother asked, "bye chan! thanks for taking care of my yongbokkie!"

"anytime!" chan said back before he got into his car.

"yongbok!" she cheered as she wrapped her arms around felix.

"hi mimi." felix responded.

"sweetheart, when was the last time you showered? are you getting bad again? did something bad happen?" his grandmother asked worriedly, knowing how felix gets when he slumps into bad depressed states.

"im fine mimi, going to shower right now. arent you supposed to be on a walk with nurse chaeryoung?" felix asked and his grandmother nodded her head.

"we're going right now, come on jisoo." the nurse smiled as she walked felixs grandmother out the door.

felix then walked upstairs, finally allowing his true emotions to show.

his shoulders slumped as his expression fell into a frown.

he finally let the day get to him, the emotions consuming him entirely.

he undressed himself in his bathroom and turned on the shower water.

he stepped into his tub, allowing the warm water to come down on him soothingly.

felix allowed his mind to wander, which he knew he shouldn't... but he couldn't help it.

everything was getting to him lately and it was becoming too hard to manage.

the anxiety, the depression, his feelings for changbin... all of it was too much.

he just wanted to think about something other than his pain for awhile.

he slid down his shower wall and sat on the floor as the water poured on top of him.

felix looked down at his wrists as the water droplets crashed onto them. he saw his old scars and was reminded of all the pain he used to enflict on himself.

it was an addictive feeling. that stingy sensation that cleared his mind like nothing else... but last time he did that, he worried his grandmother terribly, and that sort of attention was the last thing felix wanted.

he stared at his razor blade which he had hidden months prior. it had slight rust forming on it, but felix didn't care. he just needed to numb his mind.

he stared at his bare thighs and placed the blade to them.

he winced at first, the initial pain being a bit overwhelming, but his mind stopped...

he wasnt thinking about changbin or his anxiety or dad or his mom... he was only thinking about the blood that trickled down his leg, being immediately washed away by the running water.

felix sighed in relief as the tears poured down his cheeks. his thighs were all marked up and anyone that would've seen would know this was no accident, but he'd make sure no one could see.

he cried as he sat there on the shower floor, allowing his mind to take over once again.

i'm worthless... no one could ever love me... changbin doesn't love me, my dad left me, my mom can't take care of me... i have no one. why am i even still here?

felix found it hard to live lately, but part of him still held out hope that things would turn around for him.

he continued to sit there in the shower, allowing the water to run over his fresh wounds that burned beyond belief.

he sat there until the oozing blood stopped and his mind calmed down a bit.

he stepped out of the shower, grabbing some tissues to clean off excess blood before he dried himself off with a towel.

he looked into the mirror, and saw nothing but a stranger.

he wasn't felix angmore. he wasnt his grandmothers yongbokkie... he was nothing.

he had started to dissipate before their very eyes, but felix did a great job of hiding it.

maybe all that acting is what really made him lose himself to the point where he is unrecognizable.

a.n.

please know you are not alone

please do not harm yourselves

if anyone wants to message me please feel free to do so

i would much rather read your rants than comments that say you have harmed yourself

please please please

you are all worth it and keep me alive every single day, please take care of yourselves❤️