Every beat of the drum made her argument with Jake easier to push to the back of her mind, lest the conflict tear her away from her own celebration. Her mind's own way of protecting her was quickly turning into an ever present obstacle. How could one survive the harsh reality of Pandora when your mind made you dissociate in every stressful situation? How useful would she be during battle? During a hunt gone wrong?

Still, the party around her made it all so easy to forget. All thoughts of Parker, the RDA, Jake, everything slowly faded out as the music filled her ears.

The walls of the ceremonial hollow were draped in red fabric, paintings of the Omaticayan people carefully drawn onto it. Children flocked to the tables full of sweet fruit and drinks while the adults stood in a circle talking, all wearing vibrant colors and beautiful prints. Some were dancing to the beat of the drums, some swaying softly to the haunting vocals of the singers and some lurking in corners - content with just watching the others.

Before joining them Alva had cleaned herself up, rebraiding her hair and touching up on the smudged white lines she had yet to wash off. Despite it being a party for her she was content with blending into the masses, just taking in all that was. Her signature jewelry was back on with the addition of new white earrings and a low hanging feather on a silver chain she found a few miles away from the hometree. It made her feel pretty and thus her confidence was through the roof that night.

Tsu'tey sat surrounded by his friends with a drink in his hand. He was laughing at something one of the others said, hands gesturing wildly as he did so. Alva took a few steps towards them but stopped. He looked so happy surrounded by them, his people. It was strange to her how you could feel so alone in a room full of people - some of them your friends and family. Even Eywa had gone quiet, leaving her cold and confused.

A hand dropped on her shoulder and she flinched.

"Kaltxì, Alva," Ngeha grinned, feathers shining in the pale moonlight.

"Ngeha," Alva nodded, smiling at the woman. "How are you?"

"Happy. It is a happy day. You are one of the people now," the Na'vi responded, patting the woman on the shoulder. "You should be proud."

The dreamwalker shrugged tensely but otherwise kept her mouth shut in fear that once she started talking she wouldn't stop. All that anger and sadness was pushing at the careful mask she's spent so many years building up, cracks forming in the delicate porcelain. Age old trauma and resentment slowly overtaking it.

"I am," she finally said, and she meant it. "I just wish my family could be here."

"You do not talk of this family much, why?" Ngeha tilted her head with a curious look on her beautiful face. "Are they on sky people's planet?"

"They're dead." Alva bluntly responded, too tired to even try to keep up the facade. She pulled a hand down her face, eyes stinging with tears. "Happened years ago when I was still a child in Africa. Sometimes I still hear their laughs in the winds, their yells during storms and their shadows on sunny days, " she made a sweeping gesture and smiled bitterly.

"I am sorry to hear that," the Na'vi woman said genuinely, sorrow shining in her eyes. "I lost my parents too many years back."

Alva wiped her tears and sighed. "This was supposed to be a happy day for me. I was supposed to dance and laugh, and eat and drink and not worry about anything. I wasn't supposed to cry over the past or sulk in a corner. Eywa, what's wrong with me." The carefully constructed mask was unravelling by the day, fast and out of control. She often dreamt of falling, hands reaching out to find salvation but finding nothing but emptiness. It used to be so easy - smile, giggle and just ignore all that is bad in the world but with each day it got more and more difficult to close her eyes.

"There is still time for that," Ngeha clapped her on the shoulder again. "Come, let me show you the drinks!"

"Alcohol?" she asked cautiously, big, wide eyes looking up at Ngeha. "Alcohol is bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad," Alva giggled, scratching her head. "It makes people do silly, silly things." A vacant look filled her eyes.

"No alcohol," the older woman responded, the word sounding odd and harsh on her tongue.

The dreamwalker tilted her head, "no? Water?"

"Yes."

"No, no, no water." Alva denied, shaking her head aggressively.

Ngeha glanced at Tsu'tey before turning her attention back to the shaking woman, cautiously. It was like a switch had turned, her being fine just moments before but now seconds away from breaking down. The scratching, the shaking, the muttering, so very very odd coming from Alva - the happy, positive girl that put a smile on their best warrior.

"No drinks then," the Na'vi woman replied after a few tense seconds, hand slowly leaving Alva's shoulder, seeing her relax just a smudge when she did so. "We will go carve your bow then, yes?"

"My bow?" Alva shakily asked, looking at the ground. "From the hometree?"

"Sran."

"Yeah," the girl said, wiping her tears yet again, still shaking slightly but nowhere near the wild tremors she had before. The haze was slowly clearing up but the nausea and headache was still there. The stress was getting to her again, maybe Grace had been right in her not being ready to go out again. Maybe that cage was what she needed to get better, and not this war that she put herself in the middle of.

With red rimmed eyes and a deep frown she walked out of her party, shaking her head to try and get the images of them out of her head, of that time. There was a place and time for a breakdown and that time was not now, definitely not now.

"Sorry," she whispered to Ngeha as soon as the cold night's air hit her face. "Sometimes the memories get to me. There's, um, triggers but usually I'm not this sensitive," Alva giggled, a sound weeping with self-hatred, "my brother always tells me I'm too sensitive and weak for the real world and that my little fantasies about Eywa wasn't real. Said all the whispers I heard from her was nothing but my broken mind trying to repair itself in whatever way it could, but how could I heal when all I ever saw was him?" Her voice cracked and she curled her arms around her in search of comfort. "A golden cage with Selfridge holding the golden key. Being here with you all has really brought me out of that fragile state but in some ways I've never been worse. I can't keep pretending to be something I'm not, not like I used to and I'm scared that all that's gonna be left of me when all that happiness leaves is just gut wrenching anger and bitterness."

"Eywa comes to us in strange ways but it is always real," Ngeha spoke, head tilted up. "She watches over us and guides us until the time comes to come back. Your brother do not see and do not understand. He is lost, but you are not."

Alva walked up to the dark tree, hand smooth against the hard surface. "I feel lost."

A hand covered hers, fingers curling around hers. "You will find your way back to us, to your warrior. "

"I never told anyone what happened that night. I locked it behind a red door and threw away the key but it would not be held, darkness oozing out of the cracks. I painted it pink, threw flowers and drew rainbows but it did not change the truth - it's rotten. Eywa told me to believe and I did, now I feel her and hear her whispers but what if it is just another trick?"

"We must fight our demons or they get stronger." Ngeha wisely reminded Alva, searching for her eyes.

"What if I fail?"

"Then we help."

---

"Mama?" A young Alva called out, a flower crown perched on her head. Her yellow dress had been stained with green from the many tumbles she took while playing with her cousins and siblings. "I saw a lion!"

"A lion?" her mother asked sceptically, wooden spoon in hand, hip cocked to the side. "Where?"

"Here!" she exclaimed, whistling sharply, making the family dog run into the room, grass tied together to form a mane. Jeshua, the happy golden retriever panted heavily, tongue sticking out of his mouth and tail wagging happily behind him.

Kayla laughed and gave the dog a well-earned pat. "A ferocious lion indeed. You're lucky to have gotten away!"

"I almost didn't!" Alva proclaimed, ring clad finger waving, "he got the tip of my finger."

Playing along, Kayla gently grabbed her daughter's finger and looked at the 'severed' finger with a mock frown. "Yes, I think we'll have to take off the whole thing."

"No!" Alva wailed, clinging to her mother's purple skirt, "I was only joking!"

The child had tears running down chubby cheeks and eyes filled with horror as she stared up at her mother, knuckles turning white from the pressure. Tight curls framed her face, held back by a pastel pink headband that matched the pretty necklace she had hanging down her neck - a pink pearl on a brown leather string made by her uncle Thomas.

"Oh, you sweet child," Kayla swooped the child up in her arms, hand tenderly stroking her daughter's hair, pulling leaves and flowers alike out of the mess that was her hair.

Alva wailed even louder, hiccuping every now and then as her whole body shook with sobs.

"I was kidding, Alva," her mother chuckled, placing a soft finger under the young girl's chin to bring her eyes up to her. "No fingers will be chopped off before dinner."

Alva smiled a large, toothy smile and threw her arms around Kayla.

---

"Hello? Pandora to Alva?" Trudy shook the young woman, watching as she slowly came back from wherever her mind took her. "You disappeared for a sec there, where'd you go?"

"Home," Alva said strongly. With each day the door opened wider, letting through that which she had forced herself to forget. At least it was happy this time. Just a few hours ago she had passed out in the middle of dinner, memories of darker times washing over her like a stormy sea, pulling her further and further under the angry waves as seconds went by.

"Glad to have you back," the pilot responded, arms crossed over her chest. She blew a piece of hair away from her face. "Grace wasn't kidding when she said you're getting worse again."

"Grace should mind her own business," Alva muttered under her breath, peeling nail polish off her nails. "I'm not getting worse, I promise. It's just been a lot lately."

"What? No talk about Eywa?" Alva's friend shot back with a smirk. "You going through a breakup?"

Alva shook her head with a smile. "Feels like it." Eywa had been quiet and absent lately but she wasn't about to tell them that. Not when they had just started getting used to her 'feeling' the Pandorian goddess. "So what have you been up to besides gossiping about my non-existent mental health?"

"Well, not much. They've been really worried, y'know. It's all they talk about nowadays and you going around sounding like that is only going to make it worse."

"Like what? A grown-up?"

"Exactly." Trudy gave her a sarcastic smile and a thumbs up. "You're growing up so fast."

"Can't help that I'm slowly leaving that shell of a person behind again." Emphasis on the again. "Isn't the first time and probably not the last either."

Trudy nodded and adjusted her hold on her helmet. "These cycles of yours are confusing."

"Tell me about it," Alva joked, foot scuffing the floor. "I'm not that different," she denied.

"Sure, and my name is Alexander on the weekends."

"Nice to meet you, Alexander," Alva laughed and for the first time in a while it was genuine and without a trace of sadness. Is she really that different now? She didn't think so but for her the transition from that child-like state to whatever it is she actually is wasn't as abrupt or sudden. For her it was a slow process of her mind patching up the cracks in that red door and when it felt satisfied it would release her from the hold it had on her. Meaning she wouldn't have to fight both herself and those bad memories every time she fell from happiness.

Trudy scrunched up her face in disgust. "Please don't call me that ever again."

Alva saluted the other woman, "sir, yes sir."

"Stop being so happy, it's disgusting." The pilot said with a gesture of her hand. "Your mood swings are killing me here."

"Not as much as you telling me to go back to my old self and then telling me not to be so happy," Alva sipped her strawberry cupcake tea, raising the mug in her friend's direction. "Cheers to confusing the shit out of our peers and being badass women."

"I forgot how sarcastic you get when you're moody."

"I didn't."

"Listen, have you seen Jake around? I gotta talk to him about something." Trudy asked suddenly, bringing a stop to the good mood Alva was enjoying - the name bringing a bitter taste.

"No," she spat, anger bubbling up. She sighed and pushed it down, replacing it with a fluffy cloud of pink. "I haven't seen him since my party. He's probably having a lesson right now. Wouldn't want to disturb them, though." They couldn't know that she knew. Fake it till you make it, she told herself with a bright smile. "The atokirina once showed me when someone did and she pushed them in a lake full of bugs. Yuck!"

"Right," Trudy put on her sunglasses and nodded. "I gotta go, talk to you later, sunshine."

"Later, Trudy!" Alva waved just before the clouds swallowed her up once more.

---

Alva sat on her bed, holding a fluffy toy in her arms as the loud voices of her parents screaming echoed in her room. The dark walls were filled with posters and the curtains were a dark blue color that reminded her of the night sky. She counted to ten but her parents were no quieter.

"They're bad news!" Kayla told her husband, probably gesturing wildly, bracelets clinking together and braids swinging over her shoulder as she argued. "I knew you weren't against them but I didn't think you'd actually invite them into our home!"

Alva didn't know who they were but she had a feeling she didn't want to either. All she saw before being ushered into her room was a pale hand and a pristine suit.

"They're just trying to help, Kayla! Would it kill you to not be so suspicious of everyone for once?!"

"I don't know, dear," she sneered, "it certainly would have saved a lot of us if we were suspicious from the beginning."

"That's the past! God, you're impossible! I work with these people so can you please stop embarrassing me for just one goddamn night?! It's not that difficult, trust me." Khalid argued back, hand pressed tightly against his forehead as his face turned red with a mixture of embarrassment and anger. "Not everyone is out to get you."

---

Maybe that's where the paranoia came from? Her mother never did like strangers and if she was alive, Alva knew she'd happily yell out 'I told you so!'. Strangers in their small village were never good news. It had been just them for so long the children barely even knew others existed.

She stared at the wrench in her hand and the many bolts on the ground. Is that where it all started? With them coming? Is that where her mind started breaking or was it after? Was it when she discovered them that morning that her mind broke in two? Alva knew she would never be the same but her mind never stopped trying to fix her, even as its efforts made it worse - made her hallucinate, suffer from paranoia, anxiety, uncontrollable flashbacks, dissociation? When would it end?

A certain golden eyed Na'vi came to mind. He calmed her raging mind down but even he couldn't stop her demons from coming after her. Alva had to open that red door and face the past if she was ever going to recover, and she wasn't ready.

One machine after the other fell at her hands, not caring about the consequences. Finally something she could control.