Thoughts of Visiting America

September 24, 2000

Dear Parents,

Namaskars. by Swami's Grace, here all is fine. Praying that things are going smoothly there also.

Here I am fine, with the symphony of rats playing about over my head. They are now happily protected from the rain by the nice tar covering. Every night I am awakened a few times by them scurrying nearby me, or by Vijay (who sleeps on the doormat) chasing them into the bathroom.

The water faucet in my room has string wrapped around and around it, as the washer was worn away months ago. No one comes to put in a new one, so I have given up wasting my energy in asking. Now it is working fine, I can turn it on and off without dripping by skilfully twisting the rope.

The latrine pipes are another thing I keep asking about, with no one coming to do the repairs so far. Remember long ago the roots of nearby trees invaded the 7-foot pipe leading from my bathroom to the septic tank. The workers crushed the pipe in three places, removed with difficulty all the roots and waste material imbedded on them, and closed them up with cement. Now the cement has come loose and the pipe is again filled with roots.

After months of me asking, the other day a worker came with the head Mason, but they found they didn't have a long enough steel rod to remove the roots from the long pipe. So the Mason said his usual, "We'll be back in the afternoon with a proper rod," and left. Of course, that was 10 days ago and no sign of them! Do you wonder why my throat gets tired asking, ordering and begging them to come??

Now when I flush the toilet with a bucket of water, I notice a stench outside. The poop washes ashore along with the water, two feet from my wall, where the major break in the pipe was made. When I suggested a new pipe (THEY HATE SUGGESTIONS!), the Mason only philosophically said, "No use, the roots will just come into them, also. At least with the old pipe we have a hole to remove the roots!"

Several workers have advised me to go to the fields behind my house to go to the bathroom. I'm sure visitors and workers alike would be happy to stare at a white behind in the field! No thanks. I have to deal with poop washed ashore outside my house (of course, that's where the pee also goes), until it stops up completely like last time.

The water motor is repaired again, thank Swami, but electricity keeps flashing off and on at will. Numerous are the times when I'm taking night bath and the current goes off. I have to stumble wet and soapy to light a candle kept in the file cabinet (when I kept it outside, the rats kept chewing off the wick!!). Then the lights will suddenly flash on again, sometimes after 20 seconds and sometimes only after 12 hours. About 10 times a day the current flashes off then on again within 5 minutes.

The Canadian Eloise (Dad met her this time: short, short blond hair, mid-40-ish) is planning to come end of December, for a long stay of six months or more. She is entranced with our Jnaneswari, and people here say she is the next Susheela (i.e., dearly beloved favorite of Jnaneswari).

Eloise is a devotee of Chidananda, and has been spending about half of each year in India since the last 20 or 25 years or so. She is in the educational field in Canada. She plans to teach the children Hatha Yoga here. I say, great that the Ashram has an eager person, who will occupy Jnaneswari's heart also! God took away Susheela and now me, but He has given three young devoted Indian girls (their parents and brother are also sticking on), as well as this Eloise.

Eloise is writing every week or so to Jnaneswari, really long loving letters, praising Jnaneswari for her sweet love and affection and mushy spiritual sentiments. I have to read them because Jnaneswari dictates the answers for me to type up.

Isn't it interesting that both Dad and I were thinking the same sentiments at about the same time, i.e., that it was enough time in India for me? You will see from my last letter, the dream saying the time I could stay in India. I really feel that it's enough now.

I am slowly getting people here adjusted to my possible departure. Now and then I have been mentioning how my revered parents keep writing that I should visit America, that I have not seen my dear sister and brother for over ten years, and other sentiments like that there. They can hardly object to family sentiments, these Indians!

Now there is a great amount of joking regarding America: everyone wants me to take them there too! The girl Kumari suggests that I could bring her on as hand luggage (she's very small and short, a petite 20 year old). Vinamra had ideas of making money cooking (she's a fantastic cook) and earning money for prizes for the children's Bhagavad Gita recitation competitions (her pet project).

Talking of this, one nice lady in Satsang, named Lalitha (late 40-ish, jovial type who ran away from her young son and husband to lead Ashram life) came in at this point and said, "You can't leave me out! Take me to America also!!"

Even the lady helping us in the kitchen since a year (I call her mother-in-law because of our disagreements!) (she ran away from all the problems of life with sons and their wives; her husband is dead) wants to go the fabled land of milk and honey, AMERICA! She is telling everyone, "My daughter-in-law is taking me to America!"

Jnaneswari was not too pleased with all this talk, and was saying in a displeased tone, "So, your mind is wandering towards America!" (In a voice that suggests I was leaving the spiritual path for good!) I remembered that Eloise offered to accompany her on a trip to America (several Shanti Ashram devotees have invited her there many times), so I suggested she get her passport renewed (she went to South Africa for a month in 1989, her only trip abroad).

The other day I got her to get out her passport and I wrote a letter to the Passport office asking for an application for renewal. That made her think, mistaking that I was planning to take her with me, maybe! She suddenly got a little-girl-on-Christmas-morning look, her eyes lit up, a blissful smile permeated her face and she said joyfully, "Are you planning to take me to America? Oh, will you show me Hawaii also?!" Now I know that she will not object of any talk of America for awhile. (I just smiled and said, "Didn't Eloise promise to take you? It’s best to have a passport ready, why everything in the last moment?")

So you can see, whether it the young college girl Kumari, the Sanyasi Vinamra, the housewife come to lead Ashram life, the middle-aged mother-in-law, the helper Chandravati, even the 70-year old Jnaneswari who has desired nothing but Ashram life, all are eager for any chance to go to the famous AMERICA! It is said that one picks up the traits of those whom they are with; so can you wonder why I am thinking of America, having a free passage whenever I want (i.e., no problem of visa)???

Another interesting point in this is that all these people, taken from various stages in life, are ASHRAMITES: those who have left family life and renounced everything. What a joke! I think most of those who come to Ashram are hoping to escape family troubles. More times than not, they are one of the main causes of the problems, seeing the argue and unadjusting nature of many Ashramites in the wide country of India.

(No need to mention gents; anyone would be willing to leave hearth and home in an instant, if they had a chance to earn money in America!)

More trouble with the big computer. The stabilizer isn't working since a couple of days. There is only one plug in the room. What I have to do is turn on the laptop there and get it ready to print. Then I quickly whip out the plug, put in the printer plug and press 'print,' hoping and praying that the laptop battery won't end before the print job is over. This is only good for a couple of pages (set to 'EconoFast') because the battery is not working so well lately. Even fully charged, the battery doesn't last for longer than two minutes, before the whole computer blanks out, turning itself off. This time I will have to lug the laptop to Kakinada and order a new battery.

It is true what you wrote (what Swami has repeated many a time), that all Ashrams (stages in life) depend upon the Gruhasta, and it is therefore the most important. And yes, it is better to be in the world wishing for Ashram life, rather than in an Ashram.

You can take it from my experience, nearly 100% of those in Ashrams are fully occupied with what may be called 'worldly' pursuits, whether it is expanding the Ashram, working for its progress, or dealing with all the daily life matters that are nearly equal to those in a household (cooking, cleaning, gossiping etc.!).

Only one glaring difference is there, and that is the Ashramites have the ego that they are worshipping God and are therefore higher and looked up to by so-called 'worldly' people. I see the orange robes here, but cannot see much difference between them and worldly people.

The holy teachings that they are so sincerely spreading is listened to but not practiced by people whom they are telling it to. I'm afraid this is the stark truth I have come to in all these years! Best is to live sincerely in the world, being a good person and helping others as much as possible, just as Swami says. At least outside an Ashram one won't be caught in the ego that one is a great spiritual aspirant, above all others.

It's been a little boring lately, with no discourses to do. Sai Towers have not sent more, and Swami might not give more discourses until Birthday time. Can you imagine poor Sundaram struggling to the upper-stores to buy the cassettes, then to the bookstore to get the printouts, all in the B-day rush?! Paapam!

One thing, you can be proud that you brought all of us up totally able to think on our own, and manage on our own. CONGRATULATIONS!! It is so pitiful to see how people, especially females, are so weak-hearted, fearful and find it nearly impossible to do anything on their own initiative, here.

I have been trying to teach Vinamra Telugu on the computer. It is so hard! I'm not made to be a teacher. I have no patience for waiting until the students practise to learn something new. Everyone should be clever and intelligent, able to figure things out on their own.

I just can't understand how teachers can repeat the same things over and over and over again, endlessly year after year, introducing it all with the same patience and interest, to new batches of students. What an amazing quality! One that I certainly do NOT have.

Sigh! Another long letter, only a few days after the last one. All is in Sai's hands. The 75th B-day is somewhat of a landmark. Perhaps all the major changes will happen after then, for us as well as for Him. LOKA SAMASTHA SUKHINO BHAVANTU!

Love,

Divya