Birthday in Vizag & Complaints Against Me

January 25, 2000

Shanti Ashram

Dear Parents,

Namaskars! Hope all is well with you all. Here all is fine. I wondered whether to send you these discourses or not, because you are writing that there are still many discourses to be read. Anyway, I am sending them, for better or for worse!

I went to Visakhapatnam on 20th afternoon and returned on 21st night. On 20th night I played around on the Internet again, this time logging into various Sai sites and other Ashram sites. I was surprised to see the latest discourse available on the most popular Sai site, being Ugadi in March 1999! Why aren't they updating, I wonder?

I went to Swami Omkar's Birthday program on the 21st, held in Visakhapatnam this year. Jnaneswari was surrounded by VIP's and could only spare me a half-smile. Never mind! There was Puja then Swami Chidananda gave a short speech. The gist of it was this: "Hmmm, this program sheet says that the morning program will be 7-8 AM. It is now exactly 8 minutes to 8 AM. So I have 8 minutes to speak. No more, no less."

Then he proceeded to hold one doll to the mike (that the Hyderabad billionaires had given him) - it was one of those plastic rosy ones with blond hair that are so omnipresent in the West-and from its stomach came the singing refrain, "Happy Birthday to You!"

After that was over, time was up so Swami Chidananda motioned for Arathi then left!

I greeted some people who were happy to see me, had some nice upma tiffin that was provided there, then we went on a bus to the top of Mt. Kailash. I had an hour to play on all the swings and bars, giving an opportunity of fun to the two ladies who had come with me (the driver's wife and the old lady in charge of Kakinada branch Shanti Ashram). They also had a great time letting loose and playing on the swings, something they would no doubt never do if it weren't for me being there!

After, Swami Chidananda came and opened the new Universal Temple. A few hundred people had also come so we mingled with the crowd and watched everything as witnesses.

Swami Chidanandaji then took a seat on the dais (with the Hyderabad billionaires and other super-VIP's standing majestically behind his chair) and my Big Uncle started to give an informative account of Swami Omkar and all the Ashram Branches.

This lasted awhile and as soon as he wound down, the two Chief Guests (I forgot who - big ones like the Commissioner of Police and Finance Minister of Visakhapatnam or someone like that) leaped up and apologized saying they had other functions to go to. They quickly left, as Big Uncle murmured apologies that they wouldn't speak as scheduled.

Then other speeches until finally Chidananda spoke. The gist of his speech was: "In foreign countries and even here in India, they give the exact timings of speeches etc., so the program does not exceed limits. How unfortunate that the honorable Chief guests had to leave! The first speech could have been reduced. Anyway, now time is up. Remember God always. Hari Om Tat Sat!" And with that, he left!

It somehow seemed to me that maybe he was tired of functions and speeches! He looks OK, like last year: moving about fine, but aged. Face shining with the light of God.

As Jnaneswari was busy in the rush clutching the hand of the billionaire lady, showing her around, I made my exit with the driver's wife. She had wanted to have bath in the sea, but I ran off back here to Shanti Ashram, so the plan was cancelled. Another opportunity to merge my life with the Great Sea missed! Hee, hee!

Before I arrived, in the bus stop ofKattipudi (the town 30 minutes from here) I boughtsome biscuits for Vijaya dog (price marked Rs. 12 but the guy gave it for Rs. 7! They turned out to be old-smelling and stale, though) and new chapels (tired of expensive ones lasting only a couple of months, I asked for the cheapest available, Rs. 16. The shop guy gave me chapels marked Rs 27, for Rs 16). I was surprised at these two purchases, oddly given for less instead of more the marked price!

Of course, my constant companion on all journeys is the handy water bottle that you gave me, Dad. THANKS! When people admire it, before they have chance to ask for it, I quickly tell the story of how you didn't want to part with it but finally gave it to me, as I couldn't find anything like it here and I make many journeys where I need it. Hearing the story, most people bite their lips and refrain from asking for it!

Where was I? Ah yes, Swami Chidanandaji came here along with everyone else, including Swami Ramaswarupananda and Brother Swami (Swami Chidsivananda). Swami Chidananda gave talks on the occasion of the opening of the new boy's Hostel, with the Hyderabad billionaires sitting in front of him with garlands on. That night Chidanandaji again gave a talk in Satsang, a 'Parting Message' as he called it, a clarion call to remember God always. He left on 24th afternoon. (No, no special Darshan for me this time! Only Darshan from afar, like everyone else.)

Today Swami Ramaswarupananda came to my room and stared hard and long at the roof, wondering what to do about it. He said, "Your Papa wrote me that the roof was leaking, rats were running wild and something should be done." But what is the solution? Time will tell....

26th Jan: Today I talked with Swami Ramaswarupananda, and we both listed all the complaints against me. They go like this: I feed the dogs, I use the computer to type Sai discourses, I write to others when Jnaneswari will be in a certain city (so they have the opportunity to see her), I distribute extra eatables to workers without asking.

Each thing is more irritating than the other, to the ones in charge here, including Jnaneswari. My excuses are weak: if Swami Omkar was here, would he disapprove of feeding dogs? It seems he used to often feed and keep dogs himself, allowing his dog to sleep on his bed even! The dog even used to bark ferociously and try to bite new people. He had to be chained up on Sundays especially, when many new visitors came.

Then, the Sai discourses. Granted, Ashram computer should be used for Ashram work only, can it be denied? However, it is so handy! Plus, you have given ink for the printer and other expensive things for the computer. When Omkar Swami was here, he constantly used to stress that anyone of any religion can come here and do their own Sadhana any way they wanted. But after any Guru's Maha Samadhi, the devotees become so narrow minded and shout that no other puja to any other gurus is allowed.

I just found that writing letters to others about Jnaneswari's programs is a BIG sin, that terribly irritates her and others. I do it innocently, only wanting to give joy to others.

The new Secretary here is Anjaneyulu - he will be camping here now. He may help with the progress of the Ashram, says Swami Ramaswarupananda, but his strictness, stinginess and narrow attitude will drive away people like me.

Swami Ramaswarupananda and I decided that the only route was for me to leave, as I am refusing to become narrow minded, the only way to adjust here. Of course, no one is telling me to go. But as I irritate the ones in charge here, it's best I go. Swami said they won't tell me to go, but the might end up making a situation where I will have to go, whatever that means!

Swami Ramaswarupananda asked me to write to you, Dad, telling you thanks for your e-mail. He promised to do something for me; but he pleads his inability to do anything. He says the situation is too complex and there are too many things piled upon another, not just one or two things that I could adjust to.

Back to square one, with no where to go. It should be somewhere safe and quiet (do the two go together, in this world?!) I'm not very open to going to another Ashram. I know about Ashrams: the ones in charge (sometimes not the spiritual head, but all office people etc.) are usually egotistic, narrow minded and jealous souls, sad to say. It’s adjust or get out.

Maybe I will, after all, write to the Hyderabad volunteer organization’s address. They may be able to suggest somewhere. In all this, I am waiting for a sign from Swami. Will I wait in vain, like I did for money to fall from the sky when I wanted to come to India first?? It was only when I went to work, earned money and bought the ticket that I could come. Perhaps after going to Prasanthi Nilayam (when you both come next month), things will seem clear. I gave the dates and money for reservation but the driver hasn't got around to reserving it yet.

By the way, Swami Ramaswarupananda told me the story of this computer, how he bought it for $400 in New York side. His new machine is a fancy one for $3,000! (In one breath he tells me he is a wondering monk with no money; and he would be willing to give the money for a ratless cement roof to be constructed!)

My situation is not very unique. There are plenty of devotees who don’t like to stay at the ashram of their chosen guru – Sivananda, Sai Baba or whoever. There are in a dilemma, like me. We (females) want a safe, quiet place – and in India, that’s usually only an ashram! But, staying at the ashram of another guru, we soon find that worship of another is not encouraged and in fact, often blatantly refused, no matter how universal the founding guru was. Even in Prasanthi Nilayam, you saw how they looked upon me as a convent and traitor, having stayed in another ashram!

Meanwhile, if anyone joins the rat race – gets married and works in the world, (which I could never do) – they are respected. However, staying in the ashram of another guru, even if only to do quest sadhana, is frowned upon!

Also, to stay outside ashrams to avoid short-term stay rules (including Prasanthi Nilayam, Anandashram and even one lady who did it here) is looked down upon and discouraged. Householders who visit are respected but not those staying outside wanting only to do sadhana! A strange world!

Today I got the train ticket: leaving here on February 29th, arriving Prasanthi Nilayam on 1st March. Then leaving Prasanthi Nilayam on 8th March and arriving here on 9th.

Well, I guess all for now! Until next time! LOKA SAMASTHA SUKHINO BHAVANTU!

Love,

Divya