Visit to Jeeyar Swami’s Ashram

November 22, 1999

Kakinada

Dear Parents,

Namaskars! here all is well. Praying the same with you.

I'm writing to your from Jeeyar Swami’s ashram. I planned to stay only two nights (17th & 18th November). But the Swami here, insisted that I stay up until the ending special “Tulasi Puja” day, on the 23rd. I tried my best to argue but it’s not polite to blatantly go against such a big Swami’s word. Around here one must obey the elders. So, I have to stay until 24th, missing the Sai Birthday celebrations in Shanti Ashram.

In this ashram I spend the time plucking Tulasi leaves from cut branches, addressing envelopes and listening to hours & hours & hours & hours of chanting, both by priests and group chanting. A thousand bows before the amazingly strong throats of the priests! More thousands of bows to the incoming devotees who can chant full speed for hours, and have enough energy left over for gossiping the rest of the time!

This ashram is 13 acres in the middle of cultivated fields – right off the main road to another big town so we have the music of car & lorry horns day & night, plus cinema songs blared from shops and loud music from nearby temples.

They are of the Vaishnavite line, sporting bit marks on their foreheads and only bowing before Vishnu and no other. A plus point is the lavish delicious food, a big part of their hospitality here. No scarcity of milk and fruits here! And plenty of nuts & ghee used freely. We are encouraged to eat a lot!

The Swami here is a sweet and affectionate soul, wholeheartedly wishing the welfare of all devotees. He is verily begging me to remain here, doing ashram seva in the office for salary of Rs 2,000 a month! It is all very nice but I cannot become a Vaishnavaite which means accepting all sorts of rules and regulations – like no puja to Siva or Jesus etc. I must inform him, slowly but surely. (He recently came out of complete & total seclusion for 384 days, taking only 2 glasses of milk a day. Now he’s back to his normal diet of milk, peanuts & jaggery, once a day only.)

Here there are about 10 rooms, overnighters adjusting several to a room, Puttaparthi style. Many come & leave for the night to Kakinada, about 15 minutes away by bus (about 100-150 people for puja & meals; 20 or 30 overnighters.)

The rush is too much – I like to be alone! The good part of Shanti Ashram is I have my own room. (Now there are 5 people in my room here!). If only I could repel this irritating, dragging force pulling me away from Shanti Ashram! But as you say, a change is afoot and Swami can only change me by this dragging, irresistible force. Maybe a direction will come after going to Prasanthi Nilayam – or maybe even before! For those without refuge, God is the only refuge. Like that, only God – Sai – can direct & help & save, all for our best!

Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu!

Love,

Divya

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Ordered to Stay!

November 30, 1999

Shanti Ashram

Dear Parents,

After returning from Jeeyar Swami’s ashram the sheer intensity of the pulling away has slightly decreased, as is replaced with a sort of foreboding of things to come. I almost feel as if I had been thrown up in the air, am breaking into pieces and will soon crash again below! Not that outwardly anything is different, just a strange feeling.

Now Jnaneswari, as I said in my email, is upset with everyone dying and leaving the ashram, so she has ordered me to stay. If I even go out to visit another place, she says I won't be allowed inside again! (She says this jokingly of course.) So I am stuck. If I go out – where will I go? First I have to search for a place, isn’t it! Then only I can settle there. So I will sit tight; what is meant to be, will be. Swami will bring it about.

Love,

Divya

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Stay Where You Are Dream

December 3, 1999

Shanti Ashram

Dear Parents,

The laptop that Swami Ramaswarupananda got in USA for a cheap price, is beautiful but I haven’t figured out how to install our printer so the laptop accepts it. It is all so new to me, with no help insight!

I had a dream on November 29. Swami was giving Darshan to lines of devotees (like when He gives namaskars to Seva Dals). I was at the end of one line. He came and stood before me; when I was about to take namaskar, I heard a few people say that there was a VIP beside me and He had stopped for her, and I should let her take namaskar first.

So, I leaned aside and she took namaskar (an old lady). Then, she called for her relatives to come to also take namaskar (they were somewhere else, in another line). As they were coming, Swami stood still where He was (in front of me!) waiting for them. In the meantime, I touched both of His feet then put my head on the right one, then the left. Then He continued down the line onto another.

For some reason, I then got up and went to the end of a line two sections away, just to have His Darshan longer; but, when He was still far away, a gent Seva Dal in blue scarf came up and said sweetly and gently, “PLEASE HAVE DISCIPLINE AND GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE.” I immediately got up and went back to where I was before!

It didn’t strike me at first, but suddenly I recalled the similarity of another dream I had long ago, when I was seriously planning to leave Prasanthi Nilayam (and Venkamma!). I had even made train reservations and packed. Then I had the ream of ‘Leaving the mental institution,” where Swami said I SHOULD STAY WHERE I WAS AND DO THE WORK I WAS DOING. Of course, I DID end up leaving the ‘mental institution’ of Parthi, but only in due course of time, when it was Swami’s Will and when my duties there were officially over! So I am thinking, maybe I am rushing things and though the intuition that I have to leave is right, perhaps I am forcing things too soon???

So for now, I am sitting here only, tight. As I mentioned before, it IS, indeed, an awkward time to be leaving as Jnaneswari is saying her mind is not in a good state, and she is also weakened physically. Not that I'm doing much for her, but I guess if I left it would be an added strain!

The old lady Parvatamma is now fully bedridden, she cannot stand at all but thank Swami she uses a bedside commode, shuffling onto it herself. For a couple of months, I was washing wet bed sheets daily, as she couldn’t make it to the bathroom! But now the commode is there. They have also put one worker lady to give her baths and food, staying with her all day. The lady complains constantly so I don’t know how long she’ll last, but the burden (seva?) is reduced for us.

Love,

Divya

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Ghost-Like Figure

December 27, 1999

Shanti Ashram

Dear Parents,

Here it is cold – sunny days with cold winds and freezing nights. I felt introvert and quiet on Xmas eve morning, but then developed a most unusually intense headache - I think I was sort of semi-conscious for a few hours in the evening & night. The pounding, pressurized pain was so intense, all was whirling, I could hear the head cracking, felt nausea, felt waves & waves of intense heat then cold all over the body. I was watching like a witness, it was like falling into unconsciousness after getting anesthesia. Heart was also pounding, and body quivering! I thought – ‘Never mind, if this is the end, I go satisfied!’ and I was thinking of the Lord’s Name. But I survived! The body feels a bit shaken and weak still. And slight headache is there. (I had taken a couple of aspirin over the morning & afternoon hours, when it was still a light headache, but no use!)

Anyway, here I am also a ghost-like figure like you, Mom – as I feel I’ve already left but haven’t arrived somewhere else, yet! Yes – a change is inevitable, but Swami has the time already arranged, and will not allow it to come just because I'm impatient. His word is last – as happened in the past, now, and in the future also. We are merely puppets. Until then.....

Well all for now – more stories later! At the moment everyone is in the General Body meeting. I feel I'm already gone from the ashram.....

Love,

Divya