Ashram News

September 18, 1999

Dear Parents,

On the 14th I went to Pithapuram (7 AM to 4 PM) for bank work, on 15th I went to Visakhapatnam to get your parcel (5 AM to 9 PM) and on 16th I went to Kakinada (6 AM to 4 PM) to get tests done, as the low fever is continuing daily. But all tests were mostly OK.

Now I am fine. I am eating through I don’t feel much interest in food. I am going about almost as usual, just a little weak but doing all duties mostly normally. Still there are computer duties, scrubbing the puja vessels, small Mandir duties, sick old lady Parvatamma duties and my own work in the room.

Swami Chitsivananda suddenly ran off to Rishikesh without telling anyone, so Mataji is again using me for English letters. I again received a cassette from Sundaram, Krishnashtami, and am translating it.

I am putting some eatables in one corner at night of my room, to discourage the rats from chewing other things like bed sheets. Their favorite bathroom is my puja, set up on top of the file cabinet. Second favorite bathroom is my bed, which is empty during the night. (Of course, I sleep on a straw mat on the floor.) Every morning I have to sweep away all the rat droppings.

Vijay my dog has some irritation in his right eye – it is all red and dripping pus. So the doctor gave some eye medicine and a dropper. Alas! I forgot to put the dropper in the file cabinet at night; next morning it was gone. After two days it dropped form the red tile ceiling, all chewed away. Can't the rats be satisfied with normal eatables??

About Rishikesh: at first, it seems Jnaneswari included my name in the reservation but as I refused, she changed it. Jnaneswari, Vinamra, Bheemavaram Lakshmi, Susheela, Mrs. Pullem Raju (an elderly lady here) and Nooka Raju (a devoted college students staying in Kakinada Shanti Ashram branch & supported by the ashram) are leaving to Rishikesh on 8 October. I simply can't go wandering about, I’ve seen Rishikesh, it’s a holy place no doubt but like Varanasi, filled with people, dust & noise.

Things are definitely duller here without my satsang friend. I’ve gone to the back row now; I can't sing loudly and don’t try to speed the songs along. All the people appreciate faster tempo but their vocal cores won't comply. Now no friend beside me – so I’ve joined the Romans (when in Rome…) and am singing low and slow, following them.

No Prince dog. Vijay is a dull dog. He went on a one-week fast after his brother died. Now he’s eating only a little. No one to play with.

I guess that is all for now. Hari Om!

Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu!

Love,

Divya

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Chemical Clouds

September 29, 1999

Dear Parents,

Namaskars. I sent you an email on 27th when I went to Kakinada to see chest specialist. He confirmed that there was nothing irregular in the X-ray. I am quite alright.

A new lady has come to help in our kitchen, she is eager to help and has taken the duty of scrubbing puja & Mandir vessels. So I am relieved of that!

Due to urgent request from Hyderabad billionaires, Jnaneswari is taking Vinamra there today & will return in 2-3 days.

Here it is raining & raining. Many Ashramites are down with fevers & colds, even those who usually never get sick. Maybe all due to the chemical clouds, our constant companions since the last few months!

Love,

Divya

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Computer Woes & Feeling Restless to Leave Shanti Ashram

October 15, 1999

Dear Shanti Devi & Anand!

AKA loving Parents!

Sai Ram and Hari OM.

Sitting (or rather, lying on my stomach) and writing this, having an Indian emotional edge lately (Venus dasa!), I am feeling grateful to have such good and understanding parents.

From young age we had training in courage and independence, morality and feeling for others. In that fearful jungle of America, we were lucky to have solid spiritual training from our own parents of sterling character, not of wayward step-parents.

I feel grateful to have had such a good childhood, with comforts and happy outings, pets to play with and backyard swimming pools also! I can’t help remembering the unique sounds of Gabe playing with cars and Star Wars dolls (oops, I mean ACTION FIGURES!).

Sorry if I have caused you trouble anytime in the past. I feel, I think I’ve matured a bit even though I still am pretty clumsy. I am feeling true spiritual life is feeling for others and doing our best not to hurt anyone, and help if we can. I know the saints all say this but for so long I ignored it, being drawn to the simpler Japa and meditation. It is sort of an experience now, feeling for others, the world as our own body.

Onto other things, I got the computer yesterday from Kakinada, going there to pick it up myself. They reinstalled everything but it is so frustrating, all matter in C-drive has vanished and matter on Zip & ‘A’ floppies won't open - I only get error messages and gibberish. That was in the morning. I took courage and started a Swami discourse. I typed several pages and when I went to continue it this afternoon – whoosh! – again there was that terrible sound so much like the sound I got when entering into astral experiences when I was young – and the computer went zombie-like! When I restarted it, the message came – PRIMARY HARD DRIVE FAIL AGAIN!

I feel the only option is to give up completely. I cannot continue to go to Kakinada and besides, I am getting negativity on all sides. They only say over and over, “Why a computer in the first place? Waste of money! Repairs can wait!!”

So I won't take any steps to repair it – I can't any longer, I'm getting too much pressure of unwillingness.

I’ve been feeling a sort of restlessness lately – the same type I felt a few months before Venkamma died – to get away, to move on. There is nothing to do here and though it is an ideal place, one can go crazy with nothing to do!

I feel I am fading fast – or maybe my life here only is fading fast don’t know where life will lead me next. Yes – like Krishnabai used to say, when staying too long in one place one sees too many faults.

Well only Swami can guide. What about returning to the Avatar? With hundreds of thousands of people, crowds, dust and outside rooms costing thousands of dollars?

I wrote to you about maybe putting in a cement roof for my cottage here. But inside something is saying, “How long will you be here? Don’t do it, just to waste money and leave!” When some strange force is trying to pull me away.

Is it all due to hard disk failing twice or a real calling into some other step in life??? Or the approaching restlessness of the year 2000??! ONLY TIME WILL TELL!

Susheela went to Rishikesh, locking up all her belongings into a nearby (separate) cottage bathroom. (As her cottage was broken into twice). Today we discovered the bathroom lock had been broken and all her belongings thrown about helter-skelter. Her cottage is in an ideal place for thieves – no man or dog for miles around.

About my health, I am really fine and going about as usual. Weakness is less. Taking medicines for eosinophilia which causes mild headaches daily. Also eosinophilia has nothing to do with daily afternoon fevers, which are still containing. Life and health in limbo! So I am living well in case I'm not around long – saying the Name of Swami, doing small good deeds, special things for myself etc.

Susheela had brought up the Sita cat to the Mandir area, much to our protests as we said it was fine in the driver’s house. Rangappa (father of my dog Vijaya) killed Sita on 10th October. I knew it would happen, he is a well-known cat-killer. :-(

Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavantu!

Love,

Divya