April 14, 2000

Today in Spanish, we watched a movie. I couldn't see the screen from my assigned seat, so I moved to sit next to Matt. Actually, I had been standing there talking to James and Steven, who sit behind him, and when the movie started I just sat down there. Matt had a notebook open on his desk to a blank page, and he started writing. I figured he was going to write a note to Lisa, whom he is like, kind of dating or something, and so I felt really stupid just sitting there.

But after he had scribbled something down, he pushed the notebook over so it was on my desk. He had written, "Hey Emily, what's up?" I wrote back, "Nothing, just trying to watch this Spanish movie." He wrote, "Would you ever let a guy eat you out?" [Well that escalated quickly.] I hadn't really thought about that before. I answered, "I guess so, if he wasn't nasty." I watched Matt stare at the paper for a long time. I didn't think he was going to write back. When he finally pushed the notebook back on my desk, it said, "I will do it, if you want me to."

I was surprised, and I knew he was watching my face for a reaction, so I bit my lip and kind of smiled at the paper. I wrote, "Okay, but I don't want to hurt Lisa." He wrote back, "She hooked up with two guys at the Catholic school dance! She won't be hurt. [Oh, the irony of Catholic school dances.] Go over to Hunter's house today after school and we can do it then." All of a sudden, I didn't want to anymore. I think when he set a specific time and place, it was too scary and real. Flirting is one thing, but I really don't want to hook up with Matt.

When the movie ended, I remembered that Steven was sitting right behind me. I am kind of in love with him, I think. But I am still sexually attracted to Matt. But I couldn't ever have an emotional relationship with him!