February 4, 2000

Today in school, I was so upset with Tyler. After Science, he came to my locker. I usually write him notes in Social Studies, which I had next, but I had been thinking that I really needed to start paying better attention in that class, so I said, "I'm not going to write you a note today." [I really don't remember a single thing we went over in Social Studies that year.] He shrugged and said, "I don't care." Then he walked away.

I was hurt. Did he not care about my notes? I save and treasure all the notes he writes to me, and he doesn't even care. He probably just throws them all away. I told James next period that I was a little hurt, and he told me not to be. His face isn't really swollen that much anymore, and he kind of looks like a person again. [It seems that James had more important issues to worry about than whether or not Tyler appreciated my notes.]

Anyway, next period was music for me. I asked to go to the bathroom and passed by the computer lab and looked in to see who had computer this period. There was Tyler, typing at his computer. And there was Kaylee, leaning over his shoulder, whispering in his ear, both of them smiling. I felt hot waves boil up inside my stomach, and I recognized the horrible feeling as intense jealousy. I ran into the bathroom and took a few deep breaths. Then I had to walk back past the computer lab to get back to music, and I wanted to look in again to make sure Kaylee was back at her own computer. I looked in, and this time I saw that not only had Kaylee not left, but now Catherine was huddled around Tyler also!

I made a little choking noise by accident, and they all looked up. I kept walking, so it appeared I was just passing by, but Tyler saw me. I leaned against the wall with my hands on my head. I hated this feeling! I wanted to sob loudly, scream, or tear something apart. But I reminded myself how inappropriate that would be and was able to keep my body under control. But my mind was raging. I couldn't think straight. I was literally seeing red. [Er... this all seems like a bit of an over reaction.]

When music ended, I walked upstairs to my locker. Tyler had French next period, which is right next to my locker. I hurried gathering my stuff for math, because I didn't want to have to look at him. As I was walking the few feet from my locker to the classroom, I heard him say, "Hey, Emily." I turned my head and gave him the worst glare I've ever given anyone. I am known for many things, one of them being that I am a slut, and another being my deadly looks. I am very good at expressing myself with my face. This look said, "If you come one step closer, I will personally feed you to rabid goats." [What a horribly specific fate. But I wasn't exaggerating about the intensity of my facial expressions - they can be alarming.]

All through math, I couldn't concentrate. The anger was wearing off, and now I just felt hurt. I had this lump in my throat that made it hard for me to talk. I was miserable. When math ended, I slowly made my way to my locker and started getting my stuff for Spanish. I became aware of Tyler standing next to me, but I did nothing to acknowledge his presence. "Here," he said timidly, and handed out a note for me. I took it, not saying anything, and walked into the Spanish classroom. Here's what the note said:

Hey Emily,

Well I am guessing you're pretty mad at me and I'm sorry for whatever I did. Are you mad at me for not caring about you writing me a note, or because of in computer class? I'm really sorry about the note thing - I do care about your notes. I have all the notes you ever wrote in the drawer right next to my bed, even the notes on my folders from 6th grade. Well, I hope you're not mad at me because of Kaylee and Catherine. They are just my friends. Besides, both of them have boyfriends. Well, I'm really dumb if that's not what you're mad about, but if it isn't, I'll tell you about it later. What are you doing after school? I'm pretty sure I'm going to Louis's house and I'll call you from there, no matter where you are. You don't have to write back if you don't want to.

Tyler

All my anger and hurt washed away and was replaced with a light, floaty feeling in my stomach. In study hall, I was in the cafeteria and Tyler and his friends were sitting at the table behind me. I heard him say to his friends, "I'm gonna go talk to Emily." I tensed up as he sat down next to me, but when he looked at me, I couldn't help a smile from spreading across my face. "I'm not mad at you anymore," I told him. He smiled, too. "Good." Then we had a friendly conversation. There's a dance tomorrow night and I can't wait!

[This entry in particular seems to demonstrate just how volatile my emotions were. From "boiling" rage to butterflies in the course of a few hours? How exhausting.]