TRIGGER WARNING.

August 25, 1999

Today I got my schedule for my classes in the mail. Everyone called to see which classes we have together. After that, I was in a really depressed mood. It was pretty random, actually.

I guess I just realized that I am an extremely fake person. I find out what people want me to be, and then I be that for them. I don't even know who I really am. I was so upset that I started crying really hard.

Then I went into the bathroom and slit my left wrist with the razor I use to shave my legs. It hurt a ton, and so I finally stopped. It wasn't bleeding too badly, so I put a couple of band-aids over it and went back to my room where I contemplated my fake life.

After dinner, I went online and confided in Tyler about it. I don't know why I told him - I probably just wanted the attention. That's the only reason I do anything, anyway. Here is a bit of the conversation we had:

Tyler: why did you do it?

Me: because I am very fake

Tyler: holy shit emily. you aren't.

Me: You wouldn't know, because I'm fake around you.

Tyler: how do you mean?

Me: I find out what people want me to be, and then I act that way for them.

Tyler: Like, how do I want you to be then?

Me: You want me to be sexy. And you want to be smarter than me.

Tyler: first of all, I don't WANT to be smarter than you... I AM smarter than you :)

Me: lol

Tyler: yeah I knew I could get you to laugh. so what stopped you?

Me: the blood was kind of disgusting

Tyler: holy shit. never do that again. because i was thinking how friggin sad i would be if you weren't like alive

Me: well I don't want to DIE.

Tyler: well you're like my best girl friend. I would be extremely sad.