June 25, 1999

Tonight, Lisa threw a going away party for Hannah, because she's moving to another town. This is a group of people that I don't hang around with too much anymore. I mean, they are cool and everything and we sometimes talk in the halls, but I usually wouldn't be invited to one of their parties anymore.

It was in Lisa's backyard and kind of in her basement, too. Erin and I were making up "porno dances" by ourselves in the basement to "Crazy" by Britney Spears. We were being really immature, but it was fun. We had this move we called "Hump Me" and we leaned over, putting one hand on the ground and the other on our butt, and then bounced up and down and backward. It was ridiculous. We also had this move we called "Cleavage," and it is when we wrap our arms around ourselves, pressing our boobs together, and say "Cleavage" in a sexy voice. [Coming up with creative names for dance moves was not one of our strengths.]

Jenna was furious because her 8th-grade boyfriend showed up with his best friend, and they were both completely trashed. They just wandered down to the basement and passed out on the couch. I think she had every reason to be mad at him.

I was sitting in a lawn chair next to Tyler, and some of the girls started saying I was being slutty because I am going out with Zach. But Zach is visiting his cousins for the summer! I am not going to sit in a corner and sulk because he is not there.

Emma pulled me aside, looking very serious. She said, "Emily, I was talking to Zach on the last day of school. He said he was going to miss you very much over the summer. I asked, 'You like her a lot, don't you?' and he said, 'I would take a bullet for her.'" [Well that escalated quickly.] At this point, Emma looked at me very seriously and said, "I just thought you might want to think about that. Zach is willing to die for you, and here you are, flirting with every guy here." I didn't really listen to her.

Toward the end of the party, people started getting sad, because they realized that Hannah was really moving far away. Everyone started to cry - all the girls and Scott, anyway. [Poor Scott.] I wasn't really crying at all because, like I said, I'm not that great friends with Hannah anymore.

When he had to go home, Jacob hugged me last. He pulled away and looked at me and said, "All right, call me or something... I mean before school starts...." I nodded. He's going out with Kaylee, so I didn't want to really talk to him anymore and get called a slut again. He shook his head, "No, I mean, not just as a friend..." His voice sounded really weird, so I asked, "Are you drunk?" He shook his head, no, and continued, "Well, cause like, Kaylee and I... I don't know... she's being a retard... I don't know... I'll see ya." Then he turned and walked into the front yard.

Erin came up beside me and whispered, "Did he just ask you out?" I answered honestly, "I don't know. It sounded like it, didn't it?" She nodded and looked excited. I was very confused.

When I got home, the first thing I did was go upstairs and wash off my leg where Louis had thrown cake at me. As I was going downstairs, the phone rang. I answered it and it was Tyler, with Jacob on 3-way. Jacob said, "Emily... I really need some help on the situation with Kaylee." He explained that he was trying to hug her tonight and she pulled away and wouldn't let him get close to her. "I don't know what to do," he said. "I think I want to be single again. I just don't know how to deal with her."

I didn't know what to say. If I gave him good advice, then their relationship would be good again, and I know it sounds horrible, but I'm not sure I want that. I kind of like Jacob in the back of my mind, still. It flattered me that he thought of me to call for advice.

He made up a hypothetical scenario: "Okay, so what if we were going out. And I went to kiss you - would you be a loser like Kaylee was, or would you kiss me back?" [Wow, that sounds so... hypothetical.] "I would kiss you," I answered truthfully.

I think Jacob wants to dump Kaylee and go out with me. I never really stopped liking him after that whole relationship we had going that wasn't really a relationship at all, but you know what I mean, when we liked each other. He is just so perfect. And I know that Zach and I are soul mates and that we have already planned our wedding and what we are going to name our kids, but... I really, really hate to admit this, but... I don't know. I don't think I like him that much anymore.

Jacob is so perfect, and I mean, if Zach and I were really soul mates, I wouldn't be attracted to anyone else, would I? I mean, I like how things are right now with my guy friends: I like them as a little more than a friend, and they like me as a little more than a friend. That way, we flirt a lot, but there are no relationship crises or anything retarded like that.

I really don't know where to go from here. I like Zach a lot. I know how upset I would be if he hooked up with someone else over the summer, and judging from what Emma said about how he would die for me, I'm guessing he feels the same way.

But I have this problem: I really like guys who seem out of my reach - like way too popular or something. But once they come within my reach and start liking me back (like Zach has again), I lose interest in them because they seem boring. That has kind of happened with Zach. [Unfortunately, the same thing would continue to happen for the next decade or so. It's resulted in a lot of off-and-on relationships with rather aloof men.]