April 7, 1999

Yesterday, Louis told me that Mark liked me. He said it seriously, but Louis is an extremely good liar and the type of person who would play a joke like that on me. So I didn't believe him and dismissed it as one of those stupid things Louis says.

But today, in Math, I was getting bored. My eyes were wandering around the room and they stopped on Mark's face. He was staring at me as if he were studying me. There was a mix of sadness and determination in his eyes, and it made me uncomfortable. I looked away.

Math was the last class of the day, and when I was at my locker, putting my things in my backpack, Gina ran over all excited. She pressed a note into my hand and said excitedly, "It's from Mark! He told me to give it to you! Can I read it?"

"What?" I asked, not sure how I felt. I couldn't deny a little tingle of happiness that ran through me, but I was also frightened. Mark used to go out with Shauna, and he wanted her to give him a handy but she said no. Then he grabbed her and tried to force her to do it. That is one of the reasons I was unsure of how I felt. [Nothing to be unsure of there.]

The other major reason I was unsure is because I am totally, completely, hopelessly in love with Jacob. But at this rate, we'll never go out! There is a dance this Friday, and if I am going out with Mark, I won't be able to dance with Jacob!

Stacy, Melanie, and Michelle had also gathered around me, waiting to hear what the note said. So I opened it and let them read it over my shoulder. It said:

Emily,

I really like you and I think you're hot. I know that what happened with Shauna was wrong, perhaps it was entirely my fault. [Yeah. Perhaps.] I know you probably don't like me at all, but I know what I did was wrong and I wouldn't let it ever happen again. I really like you, at least since December I've thought about asking you out, now I did, and if it's no, all right I'll deal with it. I really like you. I think you're really hot and nice. Please go out with me.

Mark

P.S. Write back if you want

Everyone gasped and started saying things like, "Oh, he's so cute!" And he is cute. But as much as I want to say yes, I feel like I'm bound to Jacob. An today at lunch, Jenna told me she had written him a note about how he should ask me out, and he had written back saying, "I really like Emily, but I don't want to go out with anyone right now." So if he's not going to ask me out, why not go out with Mark?

But my mom said I should tell Mark that I like a bunch of different boys and I don't want to be tied down to just one of them. [Way to go, Mom!]

That way I can dance with both Jacob and Mark at the dance, and if Jacob finally decides to ask me out, I will say yes, of course! And I can just tell Mark I changed my mind. But if Jacob keeps being retarded, I can just be like, "Mark, does your offer still stand?" and see what he says.

Gina's locker is two over from Mark's, and she talks to him all the time in home room. She said he talks about me all the time and is in love with me. That makes me feel good, except I'm kind of worried - I'm always worried! Mark doesn't really know me as a person. From what Gina tells me, he seems to think I'm perfect.

I know some other boys do, too, and I have myself to thank for that. Wearing short shorts and skin-tight shirts certainly doesn't help. But I know that I am not perfect inside. I am afraid that Mark will get to know me and realize I'm not perfect, and be disappointed. [I think by "perfect" I might have meant "willing to put out." It's unclear.]