March 9, 1999

I am thinking about my whole situation with Jacob. Lots of times, things have happened, or rather, haven't happened, and I've been really mad at myself later for not doing what so obviously was the right thing. And here I am, blowing another chance, and later I am going to be thinking, "Emily, you are so gay! It was so obvious he liked you, so you should have just ASKED HIM OUT!" [Unfortunately, I am 99% sure I meant "gay" as a derogatory synonym for "stupid" here, not that I was actually questioning my orientation.]

And I will be thinking this after he has given up on me and moved on - when it is too late. I need to let him know I like him back, and I have been trying to do that through James. James is obviously telling Jacob everything I say, but I'm pretending like I don't know that. I am so sneaky!

Its 9:52pm and I'm about to go to sleep, but I was thinking about some stuff. I wonder what happens to you when you die? I almost want to kill myself to find out, but I think I am too young.

I am at the perfect age: 12-14. It's the age for spin-the-bottle, trying to be older, showing off, and being anything but myself. I feel awful for people who are not "popular" because they cannot enjoy it. [How do those people even get through the day?]

I always think, "I wish I could go back in time to the first time I saw Zach," and then I expect something to happen so that when I open my eyes, I will be sitting on the bleachers in the high school gym during band practice, staring at a younger, immature, innocent, better Zach, and being a younger, happier, shallower self. Then I would never get involved with him, I would never go to third base with him, and everything would stay the same.

I wish I could write music. But nothing ever comes to me. Sometimes I am like, inspired by a tune or lyrics or something but then I always forget it before I can write it down.