December 21, 1998

Oh, God. Everything is changing so quickly. It feels like a whirlwind! Shauna and Mark went to third base over the weekend, and everyone is making a big deal out of that.

I don't know what's going on with Jacob. Today, I went online at Stacy's house, and we were talking to James again. He had Jacob on the phone again. He asked Jacob if he liked me, and Jacob said, "I did, and I kinda do." I said, "Well, ask him if he is going to ask me out." James said, "He says he will, when the time is right." [Jacob loved to speak in riddles, apparently. Strange that it wasn't even an option for me to ask him out.]

I don't know what that is supposed to mean. I don't know about anything anymore. Time is flying by so fast and it is taking with it millions of events that I don't understand. My friends are growing, and I'm growing, slowly but surely, and I know it sounds corny, but I feel lost and bewildered by it all.

Some people depend on me to be down-to-earth and something solid to hold onto. [And I have some bad news for those people.] But I don't feel like that at all.

I don't know what is going on! Seventh grade is flying by so fast! It seems like from this time last year on, my life has been in fast forward. I desperately want it to slow down, so I can have a chance to sort out my feelings about everything.

Here's a poem I wrote. It doesn't rhyme.

Somebody, please!

My life is on fast-forward.

Every event is a blur.

Mixed emotions are never thought through.

There is no time!

And something new is no longer new.

And something old is forgotten.

My world is a hurricane,

Carrying me along.

And I cannot understand it,

So I accept it.

[I know I'm missing the point of the poem here, but I think it's worth noting that "on fast-forward" probably means nothing to my younger readers. Younger readers: it's a reference to VHS/cassette tapes.]

Here's a song lyric I like: "How am I supposed to live without you, when all that I've been living for is gone?" - Michael Bolton