February 26, 1998

In school, Zach, Lisa, Matt, and I were all planning to go over Matt’s house after school. It turned out Lisa couldn’t come, so I went alone with them. It was scary walking into his house. I was like, inside Matt’s house! With him and Zach!

I had promised Jenna that I would call her as soon as I got there, but Matt was on the internet. [Oh, the inconveniences of dial-up!] And they didn’t want me to call her, anyway. Zach had his arms around my waist, and was standing behind me. Matt told us to go down to the basement, and he came, too.

I sat down on the couch, and Zach sat next to me. He leaned over, so he was on top of me, and facing me, and he slid his hands under my back.

Matt said, “Wait – her legs.” My legs were still hanging over the side of the couch. My body was kind of twisted. Zach got up, picked up my feet, put them up on the couch, and then lay back down on top of me.

I put my hands on the back of his neck, and he nuzzled his face into the side of my neck. But we didn’t kiss for a long while, because of me and my stupid excuses. I was really scared and nervous, and I kept making dumb excuses like, “But my breath smells like whiskey!” Because we had done a few shots earlier. […But only a few, because we were eleven years old.]

But finally, we kissed. It was different than the other ones. It was better physically, but emotionally there was… nothing. It ended, and I noticed that Matt was sitting on a really high stool, with his feet on the top rung, eating a bag of pretzels and watching us intently. [At eleven years old he had, apparently, already discovered his penchant for voyeurism.]

Zach said, “Wanna go to second?” I nodded. So he started to stick his fingers up my shirt, but I freaked out and told him I had to call Jenna. He sighed and said, “No… come on.” But I grabbed his arm, just above his wrist, and tried to push it away from my shirt. But he tried to get his hand up my shirt, and he was stronger. Finally, I gave in, but I still had my bra on, so he couldn’t feel anything, anyway.

I sat up, took off my bra, and dropped it on the floor. Zach picked it up and tossed it across the room, where Matt picked it up and started playing with it and trying it on. [Matt: Always a source of comic relief.]

Zach slid his hand up the side of my shirt, but my elbow was in the way. I hesitantly wrapped my arms around his back, and he slid his hand the rest of the way up my shirt. “You have to kiss me while you’re doing it,” I told him, so he did. He slid his other hand up, too, while we were kissing.

Matt said he was bored and went back upstairs.

Zach grabbed my wrists and lifted my arms above my head. Then he grabbed the bottom of my shirt and started to lift it up. He was on his knees, straddling my hips. When my shirt was above my boobs he bent over and licked them. But not short, little licks, just one long, continuous sweep of his tongue across my chest. [Not a move I would recommend, for the record.]

He started to put his hand down my pants and looked up at me. “Can I?” I said, “I don’t know…” I stopped playing with his hair and pulled my shirt back down.

He said, “Why not? Come on.” I told him I wasn’t sure I trusted him enough, and he promised me he wouldn’t dump me. During this chat, it became perfectly clear to me that he was drunk. Those few shots we had had earlier in Matt’s dining room had really done a lot for him. [But not for me, apparently…?]

But he was on top of me and I didn’t want to disappoint him. So I didn’t say anything when he started to unzip my fly, and then he put his hand down my underwear.

It didn’t really hurt, but I just felt so slutty. Finally, I told him to stop touching me and he looked annoyed and ran upstairs.

When I went back upstairs, Matt met me at the basement door and led me to the kitchen. We went out onto the deck, where Zach and Matt’s brother were smoking.

Matt’s brother is in the ninth grade and goes to a private school. He is a known drug dealer, although he doesn’t look like it. Jenna thinks he is hot, and I guess he kind of is. He doesn’t look at all like Matt.

He put a new cigarette in his mouth and lit it, then asked me if I wanted it. He handed it to me when I nodded, and I took it from him. I made the fact that I was inhaling deeply very obvious, so they wouldn’t think I was a loser.

Then I had to call my mother to come get me, but we told Zach to leave first, so my mom wouldn’t know he was there.

But I still got grounded until the end of the school year for lying about where I was, and my mom doesn’t even know what Zach did. Imagine how long I’d be grounded for if she did!