January 4, 1998

It’s been a week since Zach dumped me and I think I’m over him. I’m surprised at myself for ever thinking I loved him.

A boyfriend, as far as I’m concerned, should be three things:

Nice – if he weren’t, he would be a complete waste of time. Cute – if not, I couldn’t fantasize about his cute face because it wouldn’t be cute. Popular – because if he were not popular, to go out with him would make me disliked by everyone else.

Zach was only one of those three things: popular. He wasn’t nice, that’s for sure. He’d go out with me, then dump me to see if he could go out with someone else, and when they said no, he’d go out with me again. He was kind of using me as backup; Plan B, in case Plan A failed. And stupid me, I agreed to go out with him because my obsession didn’t allow me to see what a loser he was.

And he wasn’t even that cute. He could do this thing with his eyes, this little squinty thing that made me fall head over heels in love with him. But his teeth were a mess and his head was kind of misshapen.

I think I could do better. I can find someone who appreciates me and who falls head over heels in love with me.

I don’t feel well so I’m not going to school tomorrow. I’ll ask Steph to bring my homework to me. And I’ll also ask her to stand up for me if Zach or Matt starts making fun of me. She probably will. Jenna might. Hannah probably won’t. Emma maybe will and maybe won’t, but most likely will.

Right now I am promising myself, swearing to myself, that I WILL NOT go out with Zach if he asks me again, which he might or might not. He’s confusing like that – very unpredictable.

Matt, I think, has some kind of emotional disabilities. He doesn’t care whose feelings he hurts, whose heart he tramples on, or whose life he ruins. But hemust. He is human. How can he act so cruel? Doesn’t he ever feel guilty or sorry?