THIS CHAPTER IS 16+

Waking up and seeing the date on my phone that read July 13th 2020, felt surreal.

I was officially one year sober.

God that feels weird.

The first thing I did this morning was take a screenshot of my 12 steps app showing that I was one year, and then I clicked the text from Aaliyah that read

Causing me to smile.

I did it.

I accomplished something that felt so out of reach.

I got out of bed, and I was hit with a huge wave of Deja Vu.

I walked to my bathroom, memories of me this very morning a year earlier playing around in my psyche.

I was high.

I was higher than high.

I remember inhaling the weed and whatever else was mixed in it that night, walking out the door to head towards my job.

Stephen told me to have a good day and to be safe...

I walked into work and went through the motions, before it was time to check out and I was going to head over to my friend Haden's house.

When I arrived at Haden's house, there were a bunch of people there doing all sorts of drugs. Shooting, snorting, crushing...

"Hey Leigh! What can I get you?" Amber asked, holding a bong in her hand.

"Um... whatever"

"We got coke? Want some?" She asked and I felt myself hesitate for a moment, until I remembered everything happening at home.

They kicked me out.

They don't care about me, or what I'm doing.

"Um, sure" I followed her over towards the table and they had a few lines of coke ready.

I watched one of my friends snort it before it was my turn.

I felt nervous.

Nervous, because I have never done anything like this.

I always inhaled it.

You earned this.

You deserve this.

It's worth it.

Worth the high, worth the feeling of being numb.

Do it.

I leaned down and I snorted the cocaine

I stepped into the shower, the warm water washing away the horrible memories.

That was until I closed my eyes...

"It's just a little wine Leigh, c'mon!" Haden egged on, but I shook my head, feeling my phone buzz.

"Fine, at least do another hit with us!" He encouraged me and I agreed, taking the rolled up concoction between my fingertips, taking a deep inhale.

The second I opened my eyes, I felt my hands shaking, my body was almost itching...

I missed it.

More and more flashbacks played in my head of my friends and I doing drugs, and drinking.. Gabriel getting mad at me, my dad getting mad at me..

Before I knew it, I was screaming and crying in the shower, hitting my fist on the wall as his words echoed throughout my head "IT WAS ALWAYS JUST ONE LAST TIME WITH YOU!", "I DON'T KNOW WHO MY LITTLE GIRL HAS BECAME!" "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOUR MOTHER! TO ME! TO YOURSELF!"

"I'M TIRED OF THIS LEIGHTON! YOU SAID YOU'D QUIT, THEN WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!? SNEAKING IT? REALLY?! FUCKING REALLY LEIGH?!" Gabriel screamed, holding the small little baggy between his fingertips as I stuttered.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I NEED IT!" I screamed, trying to snatch the bag back, and he shook his head, tightening his grasp on the bag.

"YOU SAID YOU'D STOP! YOU'D GET HELP! THE ONLY FUCKING REASON I'M STILL HERE IS BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME YOU'D CHANGE!"

"I AM CHANGING! I JUST.. I NEED IT, OKAY?! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"YOU'RE RIGHT! I DON'T UNDERSTAND! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!"

"FUCK OFF AND GIVE ME MY FUCKING BAG!"

"NO!" He yelled, and he quickly rushed towards the bathroom, myself hot on his heels.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE! I PAID FOR THAT! IT'S MINE!" I yelled, watching him walk over towards the toilet.

"WELL NOW WE'RE BOTH FUCKING PAYING FOR IT, GET HELP!" He screamed at me and the second he poured it into the toilet and flushed, something inside of me snapped.

The next thing I knew, my hand was wrapped around his throat as I shoved him up against the wall.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO! THAT WAS MINE!" I growled and he shoved me off of him, gasping for air.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Everything else was a blur...

The bathroom door sprung open, Colby running into the room in a sheer panic.

"What's wrong?! Are you okay? Is the baby okay?! Why are you yelling! Why are you crying?" He quickly asked, myself sat on the shower floor as I was curled in a ball, rocking.

"Leighton, what's wrong? Talk to me, please!" He begged and I just stayed silent, picturing the fear in my boyfriends eyes as I pressed against his airway.

I remember the feeling of rage, hurt, and disbelief... I wanted to kill him.

I wanted the satisfaction of seeing him slip beneath my fingertips and crumble against the wall, his head falling to the side as he fell unconscious...

I wanted him to physically feel how I emotionally felt...

"I'M FUCKING SORRY!" I cried, screaming as another memory popped into my head.

I looked up, my vision completely blurred from my tears, but all I saw was this black mass coming closer.

All of a sudden I felt arms wrap around my frame, holding me tight against their chest.

"Shh" He soothed, and I just cried against his soaking wet t-shirt, clinging onto him like my life depended on it.

"I'm so sorry!" I cried, feeling his palms rub against my back, after moving my hair out of the way.

I don't know how long I sat there crying and shaking, but I slowly backed away from him, our eyes connecting for the first time and then it hit me..

I was naked.

I quickly shoved him off of me, pushing myself back against the shower wall, covering myself up the best I could.

"OUT! GET OUT! NOW! OUT!" I screamed, Colby's stunned face speaking volumes as he got out of my shower, turning his back to me before asking "What just happened?"

"OUT OF THE BATHROOM!" I yelled, ignoring his words until he left.

I got out of the shower, staring at myself in the mirror.

My face was bright red, my throat was sore and my chest was rapidly moving as I tried to breathe.

I quickly got on my work uniform, walking past Colby in the hallway, heading towards the stairs, when I felt him grab my arm.

"We need to talk! What the hell just happened?" He asked and I shook him off of me, quickly walking down the stairs.

"Morning Leigh!" Jake called out and I just waved, walking towards the door so I wouldn't be late.

My shift today was from 9:30 to 3pm and then I had the rest of the day free.

I had never wanted to get further away from Colby than I had this very second.

I took the car ride to work to calm down, drinking some water and taking my iron medication.

I rested my hands on my bump, a strange feeling of dread and regret washing over me.

"I'm sorry baby" I spoke softly, rubbing my bump.

I hated that I was pregnant today, because there was no way in hell I was going to be able to stay calm all day. Especially with all the flashbacks my brain decided it was going to show me.

All day throughout work, I would get these horrible reelections.

I remember waking up in my cell, and making the bed, getting it inspected before going to breakfast.

I remember standing in the cold hallways, lined up as we headed towards the chow hall.

It was like every hour that passed, I was reminded of what I was doing every moment of every second a year ago.

From trying coke for the first time, to my parents finding out, to Gabriel and I fighting... I was reliving my worst memories on what was supposed to be my best day.

It didn't make any sense.

After work, I head straight over to my sponsor's house to get my one year chip before going to an NA meeting, wanting to sit in on one just like I had a couple days after I had gotten to Aaliyah's.

I wanted a memory of sitting in one, clean, sober and a whole year later.

I didn't want the sob story. I didn't want the memories of me struggling to be the last ones this place held.

I wanted redemption.

I walked in and the host of the meeting hugged me, thanking me for coming before I took a seat by myself.

I glanced around the room, seeing all sorts of unfamiliar faces.

I crossed one leg over the other, bouncing my foot a little as I waited for the meeting to begin, when I heard "is this seat taken?" causing me to quickly turn to my right.

Colby Brock.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed in a low tone, not sure how I felt about having him be somewhere so personal to me.

"Aaliyah told me you'd be here. She wanted to come, but she got held up at work, and River needed her after.. so here I am" He grinned. "So.. is this seat taken?" He tried again and I just shook my head, letting him sit down next to me.

"So are we going to talk about what happened this morning?" He asked and I glared at him.

"Not here. Not now."

"Okay" He said slowly, glancing away from me.

I listened to the man in front of us start his welcome speech. Welcoming the new comers, and the returners.

"Hello, I am an addict and my name is Mark. Welcome to the Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I would like to open this meeting with a moment of silence for the addicts who are still suffering" He spoke, the room was dead silent. He went through the motions that I knew like the back of my hand. "I'd just like to give a friendly reminder that applies to everyone who has walked through these doors. Drugs and paraphernalia are not allowed on these premises during these meetings. If you are carrying anything, please leave it outside, and you can come back in. No one will judge you, or stare. We have all been there. That's why we are all here. Now that I have that done with, Is there anyone here attending their first NA meeting?" He asked a few people to raise their hands. "Welcome! I'm glad you could make it! It's very exciting to be at your first meeting. It is something you will remember forever, and I'm happy to be a part of your journey! Attending NA meetings are completely free, and you're a member when you decide you want to be. You don't need to be a week sober, a month sober or even a year... just being here, and wanting to take this step means a lot. If you've used today, please listen to what we talk about, and maybe consider talking to the members beside you today. Is anyone willing to read the "Who is an addict" reading?" He asked and a few of us raised our hands.

He picked some girl in the front and handed her a piece of paper.

"Who is an addict? Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. We know! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another, the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death." She read off and he nodded.

"I am going to hand out a questionnaire and some pens. No one will see this paper but you. Fill it out as honestly as you can" he said, handing out a sheet of paper, giving us each a pen.

I looked at the paper and it read "Are you an addict?" with a bunch of checkboxes filling it.

He gave one to Colby who shook his head. "I'm not an addict-" he said, but Mark wasn't having it.

"You're welcome to fill it out as well" He nodded at Colby, myself taking the piece of paper.

"This is weird" Colby whispered and I glared at him.

"Shut up or get out"

"I didn't mean it in a bad way. I mean it like.. it's unfamiliar.. I've never been in anything like this"

"Answer the questions Colby"

"But I'm not a drug addict" He muttered and I rolled my eyes.

"Answer them for alcohol then"

1: Do you ever use alone?

I used to, check.

2: Have you ever substituted one drug for another, thinking one certain drug was the issue?

No

3: Have you ever manipulated or lied to a doctor to obtain prescription drugs?

No

4: Have you ever stolen drugs?

Yes

5: Do you regularly use a drug when you wake up or when you go to bed?

Not anymore

I slowly went through the list, checking certain boxes and leaving others unmarked.

I couldn't help but glance over at Colby, curious to see how his was going, and to my surprise, he had some boxes checked.

I finished filling it out, putting the cap on my pen and flipping my paper over, glancing down at the floor as I waited.

After a few minutes, Mark started talking again about how most of us were finished, and that if we wanted to, we could keep the papers, or throw them away in the bin.

None of the papers had our names on it, and from my memories of these meetings, most people threw them away, but some kept them.

Colby was quiet the rest of the meeting, just listening to everyone read their papers, and talk about their life stories.

I talked a little bit about how I was a year sober, and what that journey had been like.

It was weird to be in this setting with Colby. To have him listen to me be openly vulnerable around these strangers, when just this morning I was screaming at him to get out of the bathroom.

I walked out of that meeting feeling strange, but what was really throwing me off was how Colby kept staring at his paper.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, and he stayed quiet. "We don't want to. Why didn't you just throw it away?" I asked and he sighed.

"I checked more boxes than I wanted to... am I an addict?" he asked me, surprising me.

"You're the only one who can say if you are or not. Do you think you are?" I asked and he shook his head, still staring at the paper.

"Can I see your paper?" I asked and he nodded, handing it over.

"I marked them when it came to drinking" he told me and I nodded.

Do you ever use alone?

Check

Have you ever stolen or stolen to obtain prescription drugs?

Check

Have you ever taken one drug to overcome the effects of another?

Check

Have you ever used a drug without knowing what it was or what it would do to you?

Check

Have you lied about how much you've used?

Check

Do you put the purchase of drugs ahead of your finances?

Check?

Have you ever thought you couldn't fit in or have a good time without drugs?

Check

Have you ever used drugs because of emotional pain or stress?

Check

Do you continue to use despite negative consequences?

Check

Colby marked 9 out of 29 questions.

"Why do you think you have an alcohol problem? Did you think this before attending the meeting?" I asked and he shrugged.

"Colby, my personal opinion is that you are not an addict. You drink to have fun, not to feel numb"

"But... I checked 9 of the boxes Leigh.."

"If you're really concerned about it, take a break. Try saying no. Drinking something else instead, during a party. If there is anything I learned, you don't need things to make it better" I told him truthfully and he nodded.

"I think I'm going to try, because checking even one box was scary, let alone nine"

"Do you want to know why I don't think you're an addict?" I asked him and he nodded.

I handed him my paper and his eyes widened.

"Because our papers don't match. I didn't use drugs to have fun with friends at parties. I used them to numb the feelings I felt of my mom having cancer, of dealing with High School bullshit and everything that came along with being a teenager. You drink sometimes for videos and to have fun. We aren't the same"

"Can I ask you a personal question?" He asked and I nodded.

"Why didn't you ever drink?"

I sighed, looking the other way, biting my lower lip.

"You don't have to tell me. I shouldn't have asked"

"No, it's okay. I knew alcoholics ran in the family. Especially being Italian, and Irish... my family started drinking early... so if you had it.. you had it young, it always scared me. The thought of being addicted to something. Dependent on something. Hold your snicker, I get it. J know. I just... I thought drugs would be different. I don't know why... I just... I wanted a momentary release... and weed did that. It made me relaxed, and it honestly did help me focus on my studies and calm me down when my mom had chemo.. it wasn't really weed I'm addicted to.. it's when I pushed the boundaries, that I fucked up"

"Why were you screaming in the bathroom?" He asked quietly and I sighed, leaning my head against the headrest of my seat.

"Some things hurt Colby. Being a recovering addict isn't easy. I always thought my first year sober would be exciting... but all I'm getting is horrendous flashbacks of my mistakes. I hurt him, Colby. I should've never put my hands on him like that... but I was just so mad.. and desperate. He flushed my lifeline. Addiction isn't a simple snap of the finger fix.. I will forever be a recovering drug addict.. and it sucks" I admitted, breathing shakily.

"Hurt who?" He pressed and I shook my head.

"I understand you want to piece the puzzle together... but I'm not your jigsaw to solve"

"You said you expected today to be different.... different how?" Colby asked and I smiled softly.

"I wanted it to be filled with happy memories..."

"Meet me back at the house?" He asked and I gave him a weird look, but nodded and he climbed out of my car, walking towards his own.

~

"What are we doing?" I laughed and he smiled, opening my car door.

"Turning your day around! Is there anything else you really wanted to do today besides your NA meeting? It's already 7" he said and I shrugged.

"I need to at some point this week pick up my sobriety chip, but other than that, no"

"Okay, well, after you, m'lady" he opened the door for me and I smiled, thanking him.

We walked into a pretty pastel bakery.

"What are we doing here?" I asked and he just grinned, ignoring me.

"Hello, what can I get you guys?" A younger looking woman asked and Colby glanced over at me.

"Anything you want Leigh?" He asked me and I took a moment to scan the options, and then I heard "I'm here to pick up an order under Colby Brock?"

"What did you buy?" I asked him and he motioned that his lips were sealed, causing me to roll my eyes.

The women came back with a white box that was sealed, the bakery logo on the side.

I ended up getting some fudge and Colby got a piece of their cheesecake before we sat down at a table.

"My bump isn't allowed to get bigger" I grumbled, feeling it rest against the table.