"Good morning Leigh!" I heard Aaliyah call out once she opened my door.

"It's like 6am, why are you up? You're not a morning person" I laughed, pausing my YouTube video.

"I had to pee!" Aaliyah declared, climbing back into my bed, stealing my blankets.

"Dude!" I yelled, tugging my blanket back.

Aaliyah had spent the night last night since it had gotten so late, which meant I had to share a bed with her, which also meant I slept on the edge of MY BED with little to no blankets.

"What are you doing?" She asked, snuggling into my bed and getting way too comfy for my liking.

"Watching videos about the difference between a midwife and a doula"

"A what?"

"Exactly" I laughed, snuggling into my best friend and propping up my phone.

Aaliyah and I laid in bed for a while, watching some YouTube videos about it.

Are vaginal exams different from like pap smears versus like.. baby ones?" She asked and I laughed, shrugged.

"I mean, I think having any stranger look at your downstairs area is weird, but I've heard that over time you get used to it. It happens a lot during the appointments"

I was currently waiting for the text from my dad that would tell me visiting hours were open again, which meant I had time to kill.

I didn't have to work today, which honestly just made waiting feel even longer.

Around 7am, Aaliyah was fast asleep next to me while I continued to watch videos, trying to grasp every straw possible. I was definitely overwhelmed at the idea of planning a birthing plan. I couldn't even figure out what I wanted for dinner most days, and I have to figure out how I want to bring a child into this world?

I always thought they planned it for you. That you went to the hospital and followed their lead, but I was the boss? I was supposed to do this? I was supposed to pick vaginal, cesarean, water birth, home birth? If I even wanted a home or hospital birth, if I wanted to give birth at a birthing center with a midwife. There were a thousand options that no one told me about, and I felt like my head was spinning.

When I walked downstairs to make breakfast, some random girl was sitting on the barstool.

"Good morning!" She said cheerily and for some reason her voice irked me.

Like my annoyance level just skyrocketed the second she opened her mouth.

I've heard enough from her as it is.

"Morning" I mumbled, pulling out some fruit and yogurt, grabbing a cutting board.

Whilst I was slicing strawberries, my bladder decided I needed to pee, and I needed to pee now.

I dropped the knife and bolted towards the bathroom.

"Jesus Christ" I breathed out, my bladder relieving itself.

God this was going to suck.

I tugged my hoodie back down, and going back to making my breakfast and annoying me even more, the person was still there.

"Good Morning Leighton!" I heard Sam's voice call out, making me turn around.

"Morning" I mumbled, throwing my sliced strawberries into my bowl that had some yogurt in it, quickly slicing a banana and an apple, throwing those in as well.

I hated bananas, but they were good for my unborn baby, so I sucked it up and threw them into my fruit concoction.

I stood at the counter, eating breakfast when Colby walked downstairs, his hair wet, wearing basketball shorts and a muscle tee.

"Morning babe!" The girl spoke in an annoyingly happy tone.

Can she shut up already?

Colby coughed, before saying "Good morning, Chloe" his eyes glancing towards Sam and I.

I grabbed my bowl, huffing and walked back up to my room, blocking out whatever Sam was now telling Colby.

I plopped down in my bed, making Aaliyah groan.

"Dude, I'm sleeping!"

"Dude! You're in my bed!"

"You suck"

"Then get out!" I yelled, making her open her eyes and look over at me.

"You're annoying" She grumbled, rolling over, pulling my comforter up towards her chin.

"I'm not in the fucking mood" I grumbled, stealing my comforter back.

~

8am rolled around, and I had just gotten out of the shower, and was now writing in my journal, waiting for 9am to roll around so I could leave.

I opened a fresh page in the notebook, smiling at some of the little doodles I did on the page when I was bored.

Dear Little Fox,

Hey little one! It's mom! Right now I'm sitting in my bedroom in my roommates house, your Auntie Aaliyah is sleeping next to me. She was laying in bed, watching videos with me about what we are going to do with you and passed out. I kind of want to just journal out my thoughts, so one day we can maybe read this together and talk about them? Something I wanted to do was document the process WITH you. I can't wait to meet my little prince or princess! A cute thing you've started, is murdering my bladder! So thank you so much little one. Mommy really appreciates it every morning. I was texting with your dad whilst I was sitting in the hospital with your grandma the other day, who we told by the way! I'll tell you that later though! But your dad and I were talking baby names! Your dad still likes the name Troy, and I think he's stupid. He shouldn't be allowed to name children, but we won't tell him that! I think the name Gina is kinda cute, but I'm not really sold on it. I'm nervous I'll have to see your precious face before picking! Your dad also likes Drake, and I told him we aren't naming you after a rapper. If you're having lil in front of your name, it will be because you're small, not because you think you can get gains by rapping about drugs and sex. Not happening youngster! I also refuse to name you anything that starts with J. I can't have songs talking crap about my baby, or you actually filling the stereotype of J names. I'll smack him if he suggests the name Justin. Molly, Landon's best friend texted me the name Arabella which is kind of pretty. I'm not sure if I want to use a family name or not. I'm on the fence about if I want to name you after a legacy, or have you start your own. I know you'll do great things. Whether that be the perfect little one who is the kindest friend ever, or a ruler of a country, you'll be amazing. I already know how perfect you'll be in every single way. I already lay awake at night just thinking about you. Thinking about what you'll look like. What your personality will be. Praying to god you won't get Colic because I might have to ship you back to where you came from. I already live in a house full of dramatics, I can't have you crying for no reason, twenty four seven. Colic is actually something I learned about whilst watching the videos with Aaliyah. I'm trying to figure out a birthing plan. I need to figure it out real quick, because If I want to change doctors, we have to do that sooner rather than later. Your grandma brought up a midwife, so I've been learning about those, along with doula's. I need to figure out when I have to attend birthing classes and honestly I'm quite stressed. I hope you're doing okay, and having your own little party inside of me, because on the outside here, I'm crying every 3 seconds, thinking about how I'm going to make it. I've already started saving my paychecks. I split them up into rent money, college fund, and money to spend on your things. I'll starve if that means you're fully taken care of. I'm nervous about making the wrong choice. I don't want to have something happen to either one of us, and it's terrifying having your life in my hands, and you're not even here yet! Every choice I make affects you all the way down to what diaper I put you in. Can I really dedicate my life to cleaning cloth diapers? I don't know. I know it's cheaper in the long run, and it might be my only choice, but do I have the time for that? A lot of my thoughts right now are "How am I going to" down to the logistics of buying things, I haven't event thought about how I'm going to care for you when I have to work. I can't start thinking about that right now, or I'll cry again. I googled last night places to buy things for cheap. I might look at online resellers for a crib and such, and go to donation stores for clothing. I can't be going to Baby's R Us every week to buy you things. I'm sure if I went, I could buy you one onesie and be broke. I know there are some things I can apply for, that will help out with money and donations.. it's just scary asking for help. I'm honestly hoping to look back on this journal entry with you, and be proud of how far we have come. Right now, I have a full sized bed, a dresser that was already here and a couple knickknacks. Hopefully one day, we have a house of our own, and I know the only way that will happen is if I accept help. I'm struggling with the idea of telling people and asking for things. I think my plan for next week is to try and smooth things over with Jaylynn, hopefully tell my roommate I'm pregnant, because he's the last one who doesn't know. Speaking of, I told grandma! She was shocked at first, but was very excited! She was already looking for Christmas outfits for you! I'm super thankful my family is really excited about you, and that my friends are supportive. It's nice to know I'm not alone, even when I feel like I'm drowning in a thousand possibilities. I think I'm going to try and figure out my ideal birthing plan this week. I need to talk with your dad, so hopefully the next time I talk to you, life is going a little smoother... I'm hoping to take some of my friends to the thrift stores this week to find some baby stuff. I have no idea where I'll put it, but I gotta start collecting at some point! I guess the next time I write to you, I'll have another Ultrasound for you, and hopefully some more fun life updates that surround you! I can't wait to meet you little one, whether that be by a hospital birth, a home birth or a birthing center, we will get you here somehow! Please be okay, and keep growing big and strong! I love you sweet one, can't wait to meet you in a couple months!

~

My dad ended up texting me, telling me to wait to come in since my mom was still sleeping, so I was now at a local thrift store with Kat.

"So when are you telling Colby?" Kat asked, opening the door for me, the musty smell hitting me in the face, making my stomach turn.

I gulped, grabbing the peppermint oil from my bag. I rubbed some on my wrists, bringing my wrist to my nose, letting it settle my stomach.

"Hoping sooner rather than later" I sighed, looking around at the items in front of me.

"Good afternoon girls," an older woman said sweetly and Kat grinned.

"Good afternoon. Do you guys have any baby stuff?" She asked and the older woman's eyes lit up.

"We do! What are you looking for?"

"Um.. everything?" I bit my lip, feeling insecure about how little knowledge I knew about actual baby items.

I've been spending too long learning about what was happening to my body, and the birthing plan that I haven't even looked into products or must haves.

God I was so unprepared.

"Follow me!" She led us towards the back of the store, and when we got there my eyes widened at how much stuff there was.

"People donate baby stuff all the time! Let me know if you need any help!" She smiled and then walked away.

"Oh my god where the fuck do I start? I haven't done any research on bottles or anything!" I spoke frantically, my eyes traveling over the bin of bottles, bibs, pacifiers etc.

"Um, I know babies have their preferences, so maybe we just get different kinds, and when the baby is born we can buy more? It's not the end of the world to wash a bottle. You can always donate the bottles they don't like back to here" Kat suggested, pulling out the tote of bottles.

"Oh my god these bottles are only 50 cents!?" I gasped, looking at the tiny stickers on them all.

"Well it's not like it's a pack of them. They're singular bottles Leigh" She laughed, grabbing a few.

"Do you want designs on them or clear ones?" She asked, holding up an Elmo baby bottle.

"Do I need bottles yet? Won't they just drink from my boobs?" I asked, glancing down towards my aching chest.

Why did no one warn me about how much your boobs hurt during pregnancy?

"Well, if your baby doesn't want breast milk, you gotta feed them somehow" She picked out a few bottles and handed them to me, before moving to pacifiers.

Kat and I sat in the baby section for what was probably an hour, just looking over all sorts of bottle nubs, and pacifier types.

I eventually just started crying, whilst holding a mustache pacifier. "I don't know what I'm doing!" I cried, putting the binky back into the bin.

"Leigh, you're a first time mom. You're not supposed to know everything!" Kat reassured me, wrapping me in a hug.

"Do you guys need any help? Oh-" The older lady stopped when my tearful eyes met her own. "What's wrong sweetie?" She asked and I just covered my face, crying.

"Do you know what are good bottles or pacifiers? We've never done this before" Kat asked, taking the reins of the conversation.

"Oh! How far along are you, if you don't mind me asking?" She looked between Kat and I.

"I'm 10 weeks" I told her and she nodded, grabbing the bin.

"Don't get too overwhelmed. You have a long way to go to figure it all out! The first one is always the scariest. You really just need to focus on newborn stuff, and then farther along in the pregnancy you can get more stuff for when they're older, or you can wait till that time comes around. I know how scary it is. I got three kids of my own, it never stops being scary, and they're all adults now" She chuckled. "There are all sorts of newborn bottles. Different shapes and sizes depending on what's easier to hold for you. These smaller ones are a little wider, they hold a good amount of milk" She picked up a bottle, showing me. "Or there are the longer ones that are a little easier to grasp between two fingers" She showed me, and then took off the caps of them "They have different nipples on them. That's really where babies get fussy. Every baby has a preference. I guess you need to figure out which kind of bottles you like. The smaller, wider ones, or the longer, slimmer ones and then we can figure out different nipples for them" She said, handing me the bottles. "If you're planning on breastfeeding, you don't need to worry too much about the bottles. It's really just in case they don't latch right away, it's a learning process for the both of you, or if you don't produce enough milk and need to make formula"

One thing stuck out to me in that sentence, and it wouldn't get out of my head.

What if I didn't produce enough milk, and my baby starved?

That's on me.

That's my fault.

What if I fail? What if my boobs don't get enough milk and then I can't feed my baby?

Before I could continue to spiral Kat came over with a fake baby doll making me laugh.

"Here, hold your baby Leigh" She tossed the baby at me, making me scream.

"KATRINA!" I yelled, grasping the baby to my chest.

"Hold the baby like you would a baby, then grasp the bottle" She said and I sighed, playing along with her game.

We did this for a while, until I picked out 3 bottles to start with, and different nubs for them.

The older lady pulled out a bin of onesies that were two dollars each and I shuffled through those. They were a mix of premature newborn and newborn onesies. We grabbed 10 and Kat carried them for me while we looked around.

"They have like everything" She noted, glancing down towards the baby toys.

We grabbed a cute black and white blanket as well, before leaving the store and going to pick up two of Kat's friends.

~

"So do you think Colby is dating that chick from this morning?" I asked and Kat glanced over towards me.

"What chick from this morning? I wasn't there" She laughed and my ears reddened.

"There was some chick named Chloe sitting at the kitchen island this morning, pissing me off" I grumbled.

"How was she pissing you off?"

"She said good morning to me" I mumbled and Kat started laughing, making me huff.

"Leigh!" She laughed and I glared at her.

"What!?"

"So she wasn't mean to you?"

"THAT BITCH KEPT THE HOUSE UP MOANING LAST NIGHT! She can fuck off! I wanted to make my fruit and yogurt in peace but her presence was disrupting me, just like she did to our sleep!" I shouted and Stas laughed, shaking her head. "No you don't get it! Jake literally came to the hospital because it was so bad, and it was bad until I at some point passed out, and she had the audacity to say good morning? There is nothing good about it!"

"You know he sleeps with people all the time, Leigh. So why would they be dating? Colby doesn't date"

"She called him babe" I muttered and Kat grinned, shaking her head.

"She was probably marking her territory that isn't even hers to begin with. Did he call her something back?" She asked and I shook my head "Then they aren't dating" Kat spoke in a matter of fact tone, pissing me off.

Why was she brushing me off? Did she know something? Were they dating and she was lying to me? Why did I care?

"Why would she want to mark him? Isn't the giant hickey on his neck good enough?" I grumbled and Stas giggled.

"Why were you looking at his hickey Leigh?" She questioned and before I could reply, she did "You sound jealous, Leighton" Kat teased, but it sounded more like an accusation, only adding on to my pissed off mood.

"I'm not fucking jealous, I'm pissed off. I spent forever at work and in the hospital and I couldn't even go to bed in my own bed. I only slept like 3 hours last night and this fucking baby is murdering my bladder! And the hickey wasn't hard to miss! He had sex with a vampire!"

"You know it's only going to get worse the bigger you get, right?" Kat told me, ignoring my comment about his occult sex buddy.

"Katrina you better shut your mouth before I shut it for you" I growled and she grinned, turning away from me.

It was silent for a while before Stas spoke up "Why don't you ask Colby if you can come on the trip this weekend? A lot of us are renting an Airbnb, because they're going to film a video and then we are going to have fun. Nate wanted to do something fun, so they booked it a couple days before he got here" She said and my brows furrowed

A trip?

Why didn't they tell me?

Even when they leave to film, and I'm home alone, they tell me.

"They're going on a trip?" I asked and she gnawed on her bottom lip making me nervous.

"Didn't you know?" She asked and I saw Kat glance in her rearview mirror, shaking her head and Stasia's lips formed into a thin line.

"Oh" She mouthed and I snapped my head towards Kat.

"What the fuck?"

"Leigh-"

"NO! WHAT THE FUCK!?" I yelled.

I leaned my head against the window, ignoring them the rest of the car ride to Xepher's house. I didn't want to hear another word out of them all.

I thought we were friends?

"Hey guys!" Xepher said in a cheery tone, and I wanted to slap the smile off her face.

"Hey! Are you ready!?" Kat grinned back at her.