Getting onto the roof was much harder without Grey's guiding hands to help me up. I struggled to heave myself up and scraped my leg painfully along the window causing me to bite my lip to stop myself from crying out in pain. It was as if I could feel my world crumbling around me hitting me to the ground with every blow and each time I tried to get up I would just get knocked down again more painfully every time.

As I sat there, finally on the roof, staring up at the stars that suddenly looked so much less beautiful without someone to admire them with beside me. I felt like I was looking at them differently too, through eyes more hardened by the world. Through eyes that now understood their dad, felt betrayed by their mom and as if everything they'd ever seen had been a lie.

The stars began to blur as my vision was obscured by tears. I pressed the balls of my hands into my eye sockets to try and stop my signs of weakness streaking down my cheeks. I wouldn't cry, because I was afraid that if I started I wouldn't stop, the tears would just take over until they consumed me.

My mom was a liar. She'd lied to me my entire life. She'd prevented me from seeing my dad.

My mind was going wild with all these crazy theories so quickly that I couldn't keep up. I just kept thinking how could she have smiled at me every day and known in her heart the whole time that she'd been depriving me of a relationship with my dad. How could she have looked me dead in the eyes and told me she had no idea where he was.

***

"Good morning sweetheart," mom yanked back the covers of the hotel bed we were sleeping in this week. She had already showered and was slinking about the room in a black silk wrap with her damp dark hair swept up into a pile on top of her head. Although her face was bare she'd painted her lips in her favourite fire engine red lipstick so they stood out starkly on her pale skin. She looked so beautiful even this early in the morning.

"No," I groaned tugging the duvet back up to my chin protectively against the morning. Also, because I knew what today was, the worst day of the year, Father's Day!

I hated Father's Day, all day I heard people going on and on about their dads and the gifts they'd brought them. The whole day just made me realise what I was missing, I knew none of them meant for each of their words to be like a knife in my heart but they were.

"You better get up quickly or you'll be late for school," mom warned swaying across the room with a powder brush to her face.

"I'm taking today as a mental health day," I stated decidedly.

"No such thing," mom threw a pair of jeans at me which I ducked under the covers to avoid, "what's the great problem with today?"

"It's Father's Day," I admitted propping myself up with a mournful sigh.

"Cara," mom tossed me a conflicted look over her shoulder as she sat in front of the vanity to do her makeup, "you don't need a dad when you've got me."

"It's just a hard day," I sighed but I automatically felt guilty, like I was making her feel as if she wasn't good enough. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate her, I just felt like I was missing out on something except I didn't know what. It felt as if there was something missing inside me that I could feel but never knew how to fill.

"It's only hard if you focus on it too much," mom chided as she widened her eye and stabbed an eyeliner towards it, "just pretend that it's not Father's Day."

"I can't just pretend," I huffed dramatically. I wanted her to at least to be sympathetic for me, at the moment she was acting like my problems didn't matter.

"Okay," mom sighed as she spun around to face me and hopped up off her chair to join me on the bed. Her face turned soft and comforting as she leaned towards me so I could smell her comforting cologne. She reached out and tucked a strand of hair lovingly behind my ear, "let's make this a you and me days stead , it doesn't have to be Father's Day if you don't want it to be. Tonight I'll take you out to a restaurant and we can have a great time just the two of us without any crappy dads."

I could help but smile and nod at her face which was alight, in the same way it always was when she got an idea in her head.

"Thank you," I nodded basking in the glow of her smile and immediately catching on to her infectious joy.

"Of course sweetheart," she stroked a finger down my cheek, "you know I live to make you happy."

***

Liar. Liar. Liar.

But I missed her more than anything, I wanted her here to tuck a hair behind my cheek and tell me that my dad was lying, she hadn't known. She would smile and tilt her head to the side and convince me that everything had a feasible explanation. She'd dazzle me with her smile and soothe me with the soft sound of her voice as the sweet smell of cologne flooded my nose. If she was here then everything would be okay, in the encasing of her arms and comfort of her presence everything made sense.

I needed her.

***

I spent the rest of the week avoiding my dad by alternating between hiding out on the roof, in my bedroom or in Sawyers piano room tucked behind one of the great floor to ceiling curtains on the window sill with a book. I couldn't place why I was avoiding him I just knew I had this intense desire not to see him. I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling and expose any more of my broken heart to him, I would keep that safely tucked away from now on so no one could rip it into even smaller shreds.

So I just avoided him. Like I avoided all my problems.

I created new and marvellous ways of sneaking around him that usually involved being screamed at by the cook in French expletives or cursed to hell by the house cleaner. But I also learned new things about Kings Bridge until I felt I knew it inside and out. I knew the shortcuts and best routes from the kitchen to the dorms that no one took and ensured I wouldn't accidentally bump into my dad.

I felt kind of guilty when I did see him though and he made a face like he was about to say something before I inevitably darted out of his reach. I knew I was being petty by taking my anger towards my mom out on him, he was only the messenger, but I needed someone to hate and as mom was no longer here he was the next best thing.

I wanted mom. I wanted her back so badly my whole entire body ached for it. Or maybe what I really needed was the Silent Boys.

I needed the protective love Mitch wore around himself like a shield, the kindness that shone in Sawyers eyes, the mischievous smile on Nico's face that brightened my day and the explosion of fire in Grey's eyes to burn my skin.

Where were they when I needed them?

Gone.

The only person I could rely on being there for me really was myself.

"You've always got me here Cara," I feel the ghost of his hand on my cheek so I tilted my head away but the sound of his voice still rattled on inside my brain, "I'm the only one you can really count on. Everyone else has betrayed you and left you but I never will. Remember that Cara. You've always got me."

Shivers chase their way down my spine as I hear his voice as if it were breathing the very air next to me and as if he had his hands wrapped possessively around my waist like always. I hated how much I missed him now, how in my loneliest hour I always turned back to him. I needed to get him the hell out of my head.

I traced my finger along the scar on my forearm, he'd ensured I never could forget now. I'd carry his marking forever.