I was rudely awoken at 5 am the next morning by a heavy body leaping on my bed. I was so shocked by it that I leapt up my mouth opened ready to scream. Just as I was about to emit the most piercing cry a hand was clamped firmly over my mouth and I was staring into mischievous chocolate brown eyes.

My eyes widened, Nico.

I was convinced it was one of them coming to get me. My heart was pounding uncontrollably and my insides were a mush of fear. I took several deep breaths to try and calm myself. It was all okay, it was only Nico.

He was smirking as he removed his hand from my lips and I realised how close our faces were. His nose was a mere two inches from mine.

"You scared the shit out of me," I accused with a glare.

"Sorry," he had the decency to look sheepish for a moment before a smirk cracked his lips open, "but I couldn't leave without saying goodbye."

"You're leaving," I glanced at my bedside clock to see the ungodly hour.

"7am flight," he shrugged seeming far too awake and lively for this early.

"Did you even sleep?"

"Nope," he puffed out his chest proudly, "well I hadn't packed so I spent the morning doing that."

"Of course you hadn't," I rolled my eyes.

"So are you going to come and wave me off?" Nico prompted.

"Of course," I pulled my exhausted limbs out of bed and tugged on a hoodie over my wrinkled pyjama shorts and band tee.

And that was how I ended up on Kings Bridges driveway expanse with bare legs in the dark of the early morning light. Alone.

I didn't register that none of the other boys were coming until Nico's cab appeared at the gates. I thought maybe they would get here before he left but it appeared they weren't coming at all.

"Where are the others?" I asked.

"I said goodbye to them last night, it's best not to wake them early," Nico shrugged but I could tell by the way he didn't meet my eye he wasn't telling the whole truth.

"Well I guess this is goodbye then," I gave a sad half smile as the cab pulled up right in front of us.

"I'm gonna miss you Vegas," Nico said dismally as he loaded his huge suitcase into the trunk.

"I might miss you too," I teased. He slammed the trunk shut and took two long strides towards me. For a second he paused and I stared deep into the pools of his eyes before he reached down and wrapped his arms tightly around me squeezing me right into his muscular chest. I was caught off guard for a moment before I brought my arms up and tightened them around him too.

To be fair he was an amazing hugger.

It seemed like we stood there hugging for hours when it must have just been a few seconds. But I could feel the warmth radiating off his body and hear the pound of his heart in his chest and I wanted to stay in that position forever.

"I better go Vegas," Nico cleared his throat.

"Yeah you don't want to miss your flight," I pulled away.

"I'll see you in a week Vegas, don't do anything I wouldn't do," he winked and I grinned and then he was climbing into the car and he was gone.

I felt my arm still waving even when I knew he couldn't see and the car was disappearing into the distance.

Only three left.

I had hoped to lay in that morning and fortunately I did fall right back to sleep more easily than I expected after returning to bed but it seems that wasn't how things were meant to go.

A prod found its way to my arm later that morning. I knew it was still early morning because it felt like I'd barely shut my eyes since I'd waved Nico off.

The first thing my half asleep eyes saw was fire. Crackling, burning fire. And then the eyes that held that fire.

Grey.

"What?" I groaned pressing my face into my pillow uncaring of how awful I must've looked with my bed hair and unwashed face.

"I'm going," he whispered quietly.

"What time is it?" I grumbled.

"6," he replied and I let out a moan of complaint. Clearly this wasn't going to be the relaxing morning I'd hoped for.

"Do you want me to wave you off?" I sighed sounding more reluctant than I actually was.

"If you want," he shrugged casually but I could tell he wanted me to.

"Let's go then," I yanked off my sheets and followed him to the door having strong deja vu of repeating my exact moves only an hour later.

Again none of the other boys were present for our farewells next to Grey's car in the early glow of the morning as the sun was just starting to cast its shadow across Kings Bridge's immaculate grounds.

"Make sure you take loads of photos," I instruct him sternly, "I wanna see them all when you get back."

"Yes sir," Grey rolled his eyes with a devilishly handsome smirk.

"Bye Grey," I reached up for a hug and without hesitation he lifted me up into his arms like I weighed nothing more than a bag of feathers.

"Bye Cara," he mumbled into my hair.

He released me with an almost pained expression and got into his car to drive away. I lifted a hand in a final farewell and hated how much I missed him and Nico already.

I was letting myself get too attached and I would be the only one to blame when this ended badly.

"Coming back inside?" I was startled from my reverie of staring aimlessly down the driveway wondering if Nico would decide to ask his driver turn the cab around or if Grey would do a u turn and they'd both come back to me.

Mitch was leaning against the doorway that led into the dorms his arms folded across his chest and a certain kindness in his eyes.

"Yeah," I nodded scrambling to act unaffected by my abandonment, I made my voice light hearted, "don't tell me you're leaving now too?"

"In an hour or so," he sighed sadly, "come and get some breakfast with me first?"

"Of course," I hadn't realised how hungry I was until he mentioned it, now my stomach was churning to have something inside it.

Though the school kitchen wouldn't be open yet there was still a counter with cereals and a mini fridge of milk in the dining hall to quench my appetite. Mitch and I both piled our bowls full of sweetened cereal goodness and milk before sitting at our usual table that felt uncomfortably empty without the rest of the boys.

"You seem upset," Mitch comments.

Not upset, just abandoned.

"I'm fine," I shrug.

I can't explain it, I feel so stupid but I'm just so sick of everyone leaving me.

***

"Where is dad?" I had asked the question a thousand times before but I knew I'd ask it a thousand times again until I got an answer.

"Gone," mom gave the same answer she used every time. Someone can't just be gone though, they don't just disappear off the face of the planet, he had to be out there somewhere.

In reality where he was wasn't the real question I wanted answering, I wanted to know why he was there and not with me.

"Aren't I enough?" Mom always said it in a way that made me feel guilty and she knew it. It was her way of stopping any unwanted questions. But I could never really answer her because really she wasn't enough. Her half hearted answers to my questions weren't enough, her dodging around the truth had left a gaping hole in the shape of a question mark inside me that I could never fill.

At times like this near my birthday things were even worse too because I needed him, I needed a father but more than that I needed to understand why my father wasn't here for my birthday. Had I done something to drive him away? Was it my fault he never wanted me? Did he ever even think about me? Not even on my birthday?

All I wanted was a birthday card.

It seemed so unfair to say all of that to mom though and to sound ungrateful for everything she did for me because I was glad I had her at least. She was my mom and dad in one and she'd always stepped up to the job, except for answering questions. If only she would put a face to the name and an answer to my question and finally fill that emptiness inside me.

What I wanted more than anything was to understand why I wasn't enough to to make him stay.

He'd just abandoned me without the slightest thought of sending a birthday card.

***

I couldn't explain any of my feelings to Mitch though, I didn't want him to look at me differently. I couldn't explain because I still had that emptiness inside me and no answers. I couldn't sort out the feelings inside me let alone explain them to someone else.

But I couldn't tell him that because as each of them deserted me one after the other it was only making that fear inside me grow worse and worse.

I was never going to be enough to make them stay.