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There's a reason I'm so vulgar and both dad and I curse so much. One word: Grandma.

"Well dip my balls in sweet cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens! My ungrateful son and his daughter finally came to see me. Must be the fucking end of the world."

Never mind that she doesn't have any balls to speak of. Isn't she adorable?!

I swear she shrinks in height every time I see her. Last Christmas was the last time we paid a visit and back then she was maybe a few centimeters shorter. Now I feel like a skyscraper next to her, though in reality I'm roughly four inches taller. I waste no time in wrapping her in a gentle, but tight bear hug that she reciprocates, all while bragging on what a wonderful granddaughter she has.

"Aigoo, did you miss me that much? You're so precious. And you call to check up on me, unlike this brat." she indicates to my father, the forty-something-year-old 'brat'.

Dad already looks exhausted and is using the palms of both hands to rub at his eye sockets. "Mom, I have a job."

"You don't think Y/n has obligations, too?" she pulls back from our embrace and cups my face in both hands. "Is your father feeding you well? You've lost weight."

"That's because she's a picky eater!" dad interjects but it goes totally ignored.

"Granny is going to fatten you up, Y/n sweetie. I made lots of side dishes, just for you."

"Yay!" I cheer and wrap her up in another hug, mostly because I love her and her side dishes, but also because it's fun to annoy dad. And another plus? I can finally start gaining that weight I swore to so I can annoy Namjoon.

God, what is wrong with me?

Oof...better not go there.

"Sachon Noona!!" I hear a door slam open from somewhere and within seconds see Ji-ho rushing down the stairs. I quickly maneuver out of the hug with granny so that she doesn't get trampled, and it's good thing too because the next moment the four-year-old has crashed into my legs and is wrapped around them.

This is the normal order of things. He's always sweet at first. Giving me hugs and telling me he loves me. Today he's brought me a picture from a coloring book that he's scribbled on and presents it proudly. I might appreciate his effort if I didn't still have PTSD from the last time I'd babysat him.

"Oh my goodness, you've grown, dear." Auntie is next to greet me, giving me a quick hug and sliding her eyes up and down my frame while clicking her tongue in disapproval. "I really wish you'd let me pick you out a new wardrobe. How do you expect to get married when you dress like this?"

"Auntie, I'm seventeen." I reply in monotone. "I don't want to get married at seventeen."

"Your grandmother was sixteen when she was married." she points out, as if that would change my mind. Or like it held any important basis in this argument.

"Yeah, in the year seventeen hundred." I roll my eyes, thankful that granny is too preoccupied with scolding dad over letting me be 'rail thin' as she puts it to overhear this conversation. "Besides, I dress the way I want to because I like it. I don't dress to impress a man."

"You'll regret that one day." Auntie is crossing her arms and shaking her head at my 'rebelliousness'. "Now you're young but the next day you'll be forty and alone and I won't be able to help you then."

"I don't think I'll be forty tomorrow." I say, pretending to be confused.

"Men don't like sarcasm, Y/n. It's not flattering."

My temper flares up at these words but I manage to keep the tone of my voice lowered. "I don't give a fuck what men like."

Apparently I wasn't as quiet as I thought I was because granny begins to applaud. "That's my girl!"

Auntie sends her a look. "Mom, don't encourage this. Y/n, I'm only saying this for your own good. Dress however you want, not that I think it will help you. Just make sure you get married before you turn thirty. After you reach that age, all the good men will be taken and you will have to settle for a bad one."

"Why would I settle for a bad one when I wouldn't settle for a good one?"

She has opened her mouth to argue further but Granny slaps her on the back, causing her to flinch away. "Shut your mouth! I've lived for over twenty years without a man so go ahead and tell me I'm not doing just fine on my own!"

"Mom-OW!" Granny hits her again and moves to stand in front of me, as if to shield me from Auntie's attacks. "Go ahead and tell me five things that a man can do for her that she can't do herself. Go on. I'll wait."

Dad appears to be enjoying himself. With his hands slipped in his pockets he watches us all with great amusement before chipping in. "And she doesn't want kids, so she doesn't need a man for that."

This seems to make something explode in Auntie's mind. With a disbelieving scoff she turns back to look at me over Granny's shoulder. "Well that's a lie. All women want children."

I hope we're all starting to understand why dad and I hate coming here.

A look of fury crosses over my grandma's face and I can tell from experience that she's about to say something she might regret later on. So I jump in and utter three words that I've held in for long enough.

"I hate kids."

That came out with more pride than I meant for it to.

While Auntie gasps as if I just admitted to committing some atrocious crime, Ji-ho (still clinging to my legs), pulls back and asks in a sad, little voice, "Do you hate me, noona?"

"Of course not." I lie easily. I'm not completely heartless.

Uncle butts in right then, I'm guessing to soothe some of the tension that's been built up.

"Y/n, it's good to see you. And look at that forehead! It's as charmingly wide as your dad's."

"Thanks, Uncle." I answer sarcastically. I can never tell if he's being serious or if it's all part of our game, but go along with it anyway. "Your hairline's looking good," I tell him with a smile, "like you took a jackhammer to it."

At my words his face pales and he turns to auntie in panic. "I told you it looked different!"

Seriously? He's being weird already?? Bottom lip shaking, he asks in a terrified voice, "do you think it's Alopecia?"

What the fuck is that?!?

Auntie is about to answer when granny wobbles over and hits him with her cane.

"Shut your trap, Seong-Woong, your hairline has always looked stupid! Now it's getting late so we need to get our asses on the road." Grandma for president!

Taking my arm, her face relaxes as she says to me in a soft voice, "Y/n sweetie, help your granny with her luggage, would you? And son, all the side dishes are on the table, better get those packed up." she squeezes my arm. "My grandbaby needs them."

Somehow we managed to get everything packed up and escaped without having to lie like we usually did. I don't even know how that happened.

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Edited 4/22/22