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Yo mothafuckas what's good its ya boi, Steve.

First off I'll explain how this family works.

There's BooBoo. He's a fat, old fart and he hogs a lot of the time with our pet, Y/n, but he's the patriarch of this family so he's got my respect.

Next there's Madam Sparklepuss. She's delicate, gentle, regal, kind. Everything our queen should be. Careful tho cause even if she is all those things she still rules with an iron paw and if you put some much as one furry toe out of line, will not hesitate to sit on you. She got a thicc ass. I'd like to tap that.

Hol' up, wait a second...I used to want to tap that. But ever since our pet, Y/n brought me to that prison they call 'vet' I haven't had the urge. It's weird. One day I just wanted to fuck and piss on everything and then I went to that prison, they knocked me out and I woke up hours later and went home.

I still haven't figured out what happened to me that day. But I don't want to make babies anymore. Fucking stranger things if I ever heard of it.

Moving on.

Voldemort is our mayor and unofficial leader. He's a real G and he came from a place I only ever heard about from other cats, but I've never been there myself. The streets. I guess it must be real bad out there cause Voldemort has seen some shit!

According to him, there's these things called rats out there and when you see them, you get this uncontrollable desire to chase them and kill.

Shit's scary, man.

And! And! He says sometimes it gets really cold out there and there's no Y/n around to make it warm or cuddle with you.

That shit's real fucked up.

Then there's Lucifairy. I don't understand for the life of me what the fuck is wrong with her. Or why Y/n brought this demonic child into our home.

Dude, I ain't lying, sometimes she's ok. But if you fuck with her, or even look at her sideways that kid loses her shit and Armageddon begins. That little shit bit my tail! MY TAIL! On top of that, she hogs all of the catnip toys and throws them in the water dish.

Like, bitch? Do you mind? I'd rather not have my drinking water contaminated by your psycho ass. The last thing I want is to swap spit with you and catch your demon cooties.

Then last, but not least, me. In fact, I'm the best one. I'm calico, male, and beautiful. How many male calicos can you say you've met? I BET NOT A LOT. I'm rare, bitch. And the most majestic mother fucka you'll ever be lucky enough to lay eyes on.

BooBoo says that once I had different pets, and used to live with them before I adopted Y/n. I don't remember this, tho. I think Gramps might'a just been pulling my tail, so to speak.

If you asked Y/n, she would tell you that I'm seven. Silly humans and their calculations. I'm actually a little past forty, if I'm counting correctly. And I'm 100% positive that we felines are vastly superior to humans. And dogs. And...actually, we're the best, period.

Now I'll speak of the humans in my life.

There's that one old human male that I live with. I never bothered to learn his name cause the only human I care to remember is Y/n. I don't much like him. He never lets me in his bedroom so it makes me want to go in there even more! What is he hiding?! I bet there's boxes. Lots of empty boxes for us to play in, and he's hiding them all!

There's another old human man but I've never seen him, only heard his voice and caught his scent once or twice. I don't care to meet him either.

Then we have Y/n's friends. Eun-Ji, who is ok. She pets me if she feels like it and let's me sit on her lap. And In-guk, my mortal enemy. You know what that mofo did to me?!? First he gets mad cause I sat on his face while he was sleeping, then as if that wasn't insulting enough, HE TOUCHED MY STOMACH. I almost gutted that bitch. Never. EVER. Touch my stomach if you want to live. This is the worst possible thing you could do to me. It was a line that he crossed and since that day, I've hated him with a true, undying passion.

Now onto a lighter note. Our pet. Y/n. BooBoo has told me before that sometimes she looks just like us, but again, I think he's lying to me cause I never saw nothing like that. Plus, Y/n would never keep secrets from us. She tells us everything.

Honestly, she talks too much. Except for when she's dishing out compliments.

Y/n is tolerable. She smells really good, like home, and she always feeds us. She's definitely better than any other humans around here, and she gives us everything we want. She plays with me and pets me and tells me I'm beautiful. Sometimes she can be too clingy. Like when she had a glass of this stuff called 'wine' with dinner and she wouldn't leave us alone. I don't know what was wrong with her that night but she would not stop hugging us.

Then, there's Namjoon.

He is mine.

Aside from the fact that he smells like a dog, Namjoon is absolutely perfect. The first time we met, he stayed with us for hours, petting us, but mostly me. Then he gave us treats and he pulled out that red dot thing I think Y/n calls a laser light.

Usually I hate the red dot because no matter what, I can never catch it. It's appearance always evokes an insane need to chase and catch and destroy. All of us (even BooBoo) feel the need to pursue that evil dot and every time it ends up with all of us running along and jumping on top of each other in order to get it. It's been long agreed between us four-leggers that the red dot is a wanted top convict that we have to catch in order to protect the household.

But then Namjoon, my Namjoon came along and pulled out that dot. It was the same old, same old until the dot, suddenly stopped! And I caught it! Namjoon is clearly some type of wizard or something cause he was able to stop it when no one else could. And rather than taking all the glory for himself, he selflessly handed it over to me.

And with a scratch behind my ears, Namjoon proudly said, "Good job, Steve, you got it! You're so smart."

This is the moment I fell in love. From that minute on, I scented him and made sure all of the other cats in the household know who he belongs to.

Me. Steve.

The best cat in the universe.

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Edited 7/28/21