30 Days with Fina by JellOfAllTrades

Epilogue

I looked at the side of the road for a moment, watching the green scenery of the trees passing by in a blur as my car roared its way through the Maharlika highway. The occasional colors of random houses by the side of the road and the split-second blur of cars passing on the opposite lane made me nostalgic for the last trip to Calauag that I did with absolute disgust.

Focusing on the road, I made myself look out for a sudden break of trees at my right-hand side. Seeing the trees there be replaced by a couple of houses and then a view of the mountainside covered with tombstones, I slowed my car down and turned right and through the black rusty gates of Villa Felisa Memorial Park.

I parked my car beside the small chapel in the middle of the cemetery and took a deep breath as my heart started to pound. Memories from my last trip started to flash through my mind and that didn't help me to calm down at all.

"Breathe, Jellane, breathe," I muttered to myself.

Decided that I have no chance calming down, I took the bouquet of white lilies from the shotgun seat and got out of my silver Volvo. Putting my aviator shades on and clutching the flowers, I let out another sigh before I started walking.

I made my way through the dusty tombstones, cracked statues of angels with blank eyes, and several crosses sticking from the ground, wild vines starting to creep up from its base.

Back when I was younger, I used to read the names of the dead people I passed by, but now, I ignored them, focused on only one name, one cross sticking from the ground with green moss starting to grow on it.

I stopped right in front of her resting place and closed my eyes for ten seconds, letting myself remember her beautiful face, her charming smile, her cheery laugh, her calm voice, and her small stature. Her. I just paused to remember her, alive in my memories.

With a sigh, I opened my eyes and read the inscription:

In loving memory of

Fina E. Romulo

"Hi, Fina," I said, putting the bouquet by her cross. "Long time, no see."

I imagined her there, standing by her cross, looking at me with a smile on her face. She was just as I wanted to remember her, looking pure and innocent in her white blouse and plainly colored skirt.

My heart constricted at the thought of how long it has been. "Come to think of it, ang tagal na din pala, ano, Fina?"

One year. It has been a year since we went back here to Calauag for a vacation. A year since I met Fina and exactly a year today since she left and my life changed forever.

"Ang bilis ng panahon, ano?" I said, wondering how I managed through the past year being haunted by the ghost of her and our memories together. "Hindi ko namalayang magiisang taon ka na kung hindi pa ipinaalala sakin ng nanay ko."

I might have gone too far submerging myself into the business that I lost track of time. Putting my everything on the business I've built has been my way of coping up with the loss of Fina.

"Alam mo ba, Fina, naka-graduate na ako. Cum Laude nga pala ako." I said, talking to her cross. "Nagtayo ako ng sarili kong business para malayo sa Folloso empire. It's an angel investing company and we connect upstart businesses to angel investors who have the money but don't know where to spend them on."

I smiled at the thought. That business turned into my baby, my pride and joy because not only am I earning high, I'm helping other people jumpstart their businesses, too.

"Yung mga bata nga pala sa ampunan pinapaaral ko na rin. I convinced Mamita to give them scholarships." I continue to tell her. I stood there in front of Fina's grave, not sure what else I should do. I took off my aviator shades to look at her better. She has a nice resting place. I guess Fina chose the lot herself.

"Jellane?"

I turned around and faced the voice that called me and saw Fina's parents. Tita Nani is holding a yellow plastic bag and a black umbrella for her and her husband on the other hand. Mr. Romulo meanwhile is holding a flower arrangement.

"Mr. and Mrs. Romulo. Hello po." I smiled at them shyly. After Fina's death, I just disappeared. Coming with my family back to Manila because that day of Fina's death was the day we were planning of leaving. Back then I was planning of staying longer for Fina. But she died and I left.

"Hindi ko inaasahang makikita ka ulit namin dito." Tita Nani said as Mr. Romulo placed the flower arrangement beside my bouquet.

"Gusto ko po siyang makita eh," I confessed. "Isang taon na din kasi."

"Oo, isang taon nga." Tita Nani nodded, her eyes fixated on the white cross that bore her daughter's name. "Parang kahapon lang kasama pa namin siya."

I didn't know how to respond to that. They've known Fina her whole life while I only knew her for a month. If I was broken when she left, they must have felt destroyed.

After a minute of silence wherein, I let them pray for the eternal repose of the soul of their daughter. I thought I should go but before I could say goodbye, tita Nani turned again to me.

"Kumusta ka na, Jell?"

"Okay lang po ako." I answered. "Kayo po?"

"Eto, naga-adjust pa rin." Mr. Romulo answered sadly. "Ang hirap kasi nasanay kaming tuwing umaga may kape na agad sa kusina tapos may nagluluto na ng agahan namin."

"Nasanay din kaming lagi siyang pinapagsabihan kasi ayaw naming napapagod siya." Tita Nani added with a sad laugh. "Ang kulit din ng batang iyon eh."

I smiled, as expected of Fina. "Pero kaya naman po hindi ba?"

"Oo naman." They gave me a brave smile. "Alam naman namin na kung nasaan na siya ngayon ay masaya siya. Wala nang sakit, walang hirap."

I smiled at that thought, Fina may have died peacefully in her sleep but her last waking moments were that of agony.

"Sige na, Jell. Mauuna na kami at may darating pang taga simbahan na magdadasal para sa isang taon ni Fina." Tita Nani excused.

"Sabay na po ako sa inyo." I said, though I want to stay behind because my return to the ancestral house would bring my relatives some sort of celebration.

Tita Nani and Mr. Romulo nodded and together we traversed the path that led us back to my car and their tricycle. With a wave, I said goodbye and entered my Volvo.

After leaving the cemetery, I drove to the seaside, continuing to the playground we used to meet up in. As expected, there was nobody there as the noon's painful sunlight is just beginning to cool down.

I went to the end of the seawall and sat down, ignoring the sunlight that is burning my skin.

"Halatang namimiss ka na ng mga magulang mo, Fina." I said to the sea. "Mangiyak ngiyak na si Tita Nani kanina. Siguro pinipigilan lang kasi andun ako."

I stared at the sea, watching the waves in the distance. How it builds up and crashes down. Like our lives. It would build up and after all that, we would crash down and disappear.

I let out a sigh. "Ano ba yan, Fina. Nahawaan mo ata ako ng pagiisip mo. Akalain mo yun, pati alon naikonekta ko sa buhay?"

"Nako, Jellane, nagsasalita ka na pala magisa."

I spun around and saw a familiar-looking girl who unnervingly resembled Fina. She wore a blue shirt and a white plaited skirt that is shuffling in the light sea breeze.

"Patingin ka na sa doktor niyan. Nababaliw ka na." She chuckled at me.

I frowned at her. She looks familiar but I don't remember her.

"Alam mo, sabi ni Fina babalik ka dito sa Calauag. Hindi ako naniwala sa kanya noon pero mukhang tama na naman siya." She said, looking far out into the sea. "Hindi ko alam kung anong meron sayo pero ang laki ng tiwala niyang babalikan mo siya." She said, smiling at me.

"I'm sorry, pero--"

"Hindi mo ako maalala?" She smirked, cutting me off. "Oo, alam ko. Inaasahan ko naman na iyan at obvious naman sa mukha mo ngayon lang."

I didn't know how to respond to that.

"Angel. Angelica Mercadejas to be exact." She introduced. "Ako yung babaeng nag-share sayo ng Bible noon sa bahay ng lola mo last year and ako din yung naging partner mo sa paper dance noong birthday ni Fina."

"Oh," I nodded, finally remembering her. So, she was that girl!

Angel smiled. "Iba ka na sa Jellane Folloso na nakita ko noon."

"Ramos," I corrected her. "Folloso is my middle name."

"And so you've told me before." She smirked. "Folloso ka pa rin."

I made a 'tsk' sound and turned to leave.

"Jellane, teka lang!"

"Ano bang kailangan mo sakin? Pinagtritripan mo lang ako eh." I snapped.

"Sorry na," She apologized. "Gusto lang kita kausapin."

"Tungkol sa?"

"Kay Fina."

I paused, unsure of what to say. "What about her?"

"Hinintay ka niya. Matagal siyang naghintay sa pagbabalik mo noon."

"I don't think I'm getting you." I frowned.

"Bestfriend ko si Fina. Andun ako all those years, all those summers she spent na naghihintay siya sa tabing dagat, lalo na sa playground para sayo."

"Ha?"

Angel studied me for a moment before finally reaching for her backpack and taking out a book. She stared at the cover. "Fina handed me this diary when she got admitted to the hospital. Ang sabi niya, ibigay ko sayo pag bumalik ka ng Calauag." She gave out a small bitter laugh. "Hinulaan pa nga niyang sa death anniversary niya ikaw babalik."

She offered me a blue and green diary but I only looked at it, unwilling to take it. "K-kay Fina yan?"

"Oo nga, kunin mo na."

But I couldn't take it. The idea of me finally learning Fina's secrets feels too intimate, like I'm invading her privacy.

Angel sighed and opened the diary.

"Bumalik na siya sa wakas! Pero hindi niya ako nakilala. Dinaanan niya lang ako sa playground at mukhang badtrip siya. Gusto kong maiyak pero ano bang magagawa ko? Eight years old lang kami noon ni Jell." She read.

"Eight years old?" I asked, baffled.

Angel laughed at me. "Nakalaro't nakausap mo na siya dati."

"So, last year wasn't the first time I saw her? And nakita niya ako noon sa playground pagkabalik ko dito? Please don't tell me na kilala na din kita dati?"

Angel laughed and closed the diary, shoving it to me. "The first time na nagkita tayo ay dun sa bahay niyo.

I stared at the diary on my hands. "Read it. All of it."

"I can't," I muttered and then looked at Angel.

"Natatakot ka?"

"Hindi." I frowned. "Ba't naman ako matatakot ha?"

She studied me for a while, her lips pursed.

"Look, hindi ko alam kung bakit mo binibigay 'tong diary ni Fina sakin. This thing contains her personal writings and I don't want that. I don't want to delve in on a dead girl's secrets."

"You said it yourself. Patay na siya." Angel said, almost choking on the word. "So it won't harm her. Saka sabi ko nga sayo kanina, she wanted you to have it."

"Ayokong--"

"Duwag ka pala eh! Ayaw mong basahin kasi ayaw mong mabasa yung kumpirmasyon ng nararamdaman niyo para sa isa't isa. Amin na nga iyan!" She snatched the diary back from me and gingerly scanned its pages, looking for something. Finding it at almost the end, she pushed it back on my hands. "Wag mo nang dagdagan ang mga pinagsisisihan mo sa buhay, Jellane. Basahin mo na kasi gusto din ni Fina na mabasa mo yan."

With a sigh, I looked at the diary and read. It was dated a few days before she died. Her last good day if I remember correctly. Her handwriting is sloppy and slanted like she wrote it sleepily.

Ayokong umalis ng ganito. Ang tagal ko siyang hinintay tapos isang buwan ko lang siya ulit makakasama? Ayoko pa. Gusto ko pa siya makasama.

Alam kong hindi niya na ako maalala. Dati kasi medyo chubby pa ako, gusgusin at makulit. Wala pa naman kasi akong sakit noon at mga bata pa kami. Dati bago sila bumalik ng Manila nagpromise siya sakin na babalikan niya ako. Noong sumunod na taon nadiagnose ako with liver cirrhosis at hindi ko na nalaman kung binalikan niya nga ba talaga ako kasi hindi ako makalabas ng bahay para makipagkita sa kanya. Matagal bago umayos ang kalagayan ko at nagawa ko na ulit makalabas pero hindi ko na siya ulit nakita.

Pinagbuti ko ang pagaaral sa high school, umaasang sa Manila ako makakapag-kolehiyo, pero nagkasakit ulit ako at napilitan akong manatili dito sa Calauag. Nakadalawang taon lang ako sa college tapos pinatigil na din ako nila mama at papa.

Noong tumigil ako, doon ko hiniling na makita ulit siya. Lord, thank you kasi kung kailan nawawalan na ako ng pagasa, saka naman siya bumalik. Hindi ko man siya nalapitan agad kasi mukhang galit siya. Masaya pa rin ako kasi nakita ko siya noon sa playground. Iba na ang itsura niya. Maiksi na ang buhok niya, may piercings na siya at sobrang tangkad na niya. Pero si Jellane pa rin siya at bumalik na siya.

Lord, onting panahon pa, please. Di ko pa siya kayang iwan. Hindi ko pa nasasabi sakanyang mahal ko siya at kahit alam kong nalilito siya, ramdam ko na mahal niya din ako. Please, Lord, God, onting panahon pa para samin ni Jellane. Ayoko pang matapos sa ganito ang istorya namin. Please.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I closed the diary and held it close to my heart. The last writing of Fina Romulo. The girl that changed my life.

I remember now the unnamed girl of my childhood. She was chubby, quite dirty and she was missing two of her front teeth. I do remember promising her I'd come back the next summer for her but she never showed up when I returned. Now I know why.

And that day, our first day back in Calauag. She must have been that girl sitting by the sea wall, looking out over the sea. I remember passing by her to go to the end of the seawall and let my head cool down.

"How could I have forgotten her?" I whispered to myself.

I look up into the clear blue sky and wondered where Fina must be right now. It must have pained her to wait for me that long only to find out that I've forgotten her.

"Fina, I'm so sorry," I say to the sky.

All those years, she waited for me, even hoped to look for me in Manila and I forget about her? How could I?

My hands are balled up in a fist, shaking of anger at myself. I want to scream and cry out. The pain of Fina leaving was there again, only this time, it's mixed with guilt.

"Bakit kita nakalimutan? Bakit di ka nagpakilala?" I asked the sky. "Bakit?"

Despite promising myself that I'd stop crying over Fina, I can't help but let the tears fall down my cheeks. Fina, despite only being with me for a month changed me. I didn't know it until people pointed it out for me but I've started avoiding alcohol, parties and I slowly broke up with all my girlfriends. I've avoided every possible fight and yet, and yet, I can't move on with her. Fina was the first girl I've ever loved.

"Jell," A voice behind me said, bringing me back to reality. "Kalma lang."

I turned to face Angel and was shocked for a moment. She resembled Fina so much I almost want to hug her, to feel that Fina's still here and not gone. But I knew my mind's playing tricks on me and I knew for myself that she's gone, so I stopped myself from moving at all.

"Fina loved you. Hindi niya sinabi kasi gusto niyang magsimula ulit kayo. She liked that first meeting you had on the Letter C."

"She could have told me," I said. "Things could have been different. Kung sinabi niya lang sana..."

"Wag ka nang magsisi." Angel said and opened her hand between us. "Binigay ko na sayo yung diary. Akin na yang singsing mo."

I was taken aback by her sudden request that I frowned at her. "Ba't ko naman ibibigay sayo 'to?"

"Sabi ni Fina yan daw ang kapalit ng diary niya."

"Eh sabi ni Fina ibigay ko lang daw to sa taong mamahalin ko!"

We stared at each other for a while, letting all those sink in.

Fina changed me. In one month she managed to get me to quit my casanova life. She taught me to value the people around me more and to stop being egoistic and selfish. She made me rethink the future I want to have and lastly, she taught me how to love.

Fina was my first love and my first heartbreak. She left me with so many memories in just a short amount of time and now, here she is, affecting my life still even when she's long gone.

I don't know what her reasons are, but I realized now that Angel looks beautiful. Not as pretty as Fina was but enough to get my attention. Did Fina make me promise that on purpose? And is Angel telling the truth about their deal? One thing is for sure, I want to know more, and slowly, a smile formed on my lips.