It's been almost four hours since I left. Thank God I didn't unpack my gym bag from the car the other day because working out is the only thing that can seem to avert my mind.

After running laps at the fields of my old high school and two hours of exploring the trails, I headed for the gym to work out with the weights. I find it funny how the simple act of counting how many reps I do can shift all my concentration. Suffice to say, the numbers do their job.

Now that I'm exhausted, sweaty, and still feeling mildly hungover, the thoughts are crowding my mind again as I drive to Clam Harbour Beach. I don't know why I chose to drive here because it's where Nova and I went the other day.

But the beach has always had a calming effect on me. There's something about the way the water laps against the shore that clears my mind and makes it ten times easier to breathe.

So, when I arrive, I head for the shoreline. I walk through the sand, my sandals filling with it until I come to where the water meets the sand. Kicking the sandals off, I sit down, feeling the heat of the sand through my shorts, and dip my feet into the chilling water of the Atlantic Ocean, resting my elbows on my knees.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Normally, I wouldn't give a shit about sleeping with a girl. It should be that easy this time around. But the thing is, I've never gotten to know any of them before doing so. That's where the difference lies with Nova. We've gotten to know each other. I've created a bond with my roommate whether I intended to or not; we have inside jokes, routines, and get along better now. If that's not an improvement, I don't know what is. This connection – it's something I can't let go of.

I sigh. This whole idea of wanting someone is new to me, and I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to fuck it up somehow. And, on top of that, do I tell her how I feel or do I keep it a secret? Nova's face was a mix of emotions when she came downstairs this morning – I couldn't tell what she was thinking or how she felt about what happened. The look of neutrality was perfection on her face.

Nova must hate me. Even though I never intended to, I've used her like I've used previous women. Me and my stupid choices. Me and my stupid needs. I knew that one day my habits would come back to bite me in the ass, I just never expected them to come walking, hand-in-hand, with a girl I was supposed to continue disliking.

Grabbing a handful of sand, I let it run between my fingers. God, I wish she would show up and talk to me; help me figure out these confusing feelings. I want Nova here so badly my heart throbs when I think about her. Truth be told, I miss hearing her voice and getting sassed at when I'm being an ass. I miss those small smiles that sometimes break through. And those kisses...even if they were fake...damn.

Yeah, last night was blurry, but that kiss – the one where I was in total control...it's been seared into my brain with enough heat that I can remember every damn thing about it.

I shake my head, turning away from last night and thinking about what I should do. Of course, the idea of making a beeline for the bar and getting drunk again pops into my mind.

I picture myself sitting on one of the padded stools and asking the bartender for something that's going to get me drunk the quickest. I can just imagine the bartender's eyebrows shooting up before he flips the dishtowel over his shoulder, grabs a glass, and fills it with something strong. I see myself picking up the glass, eyeing the contents, and then downing them in one gulp. One after the other until I can't tell up from down.

It would be so easy.

So, I get to my feet and head back to the parking lot.

I've got nothing better to do.