/bruːməs/

●●●

I'm sorry.

●●●

He felt terrible.

Absolutely, immensely, heart achingly terrible.

He didn't have any right to do what he did, he didn't even have the authority to question her motives.

H̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶r̶y̶.̶

But Aaron couldn't help it, he couldn't stop the sudden anger and solitude that erupted through his body; he couldn't stop the thoughts of James spilling everywhere.

Sometimes Aaron hated the fact that he ever got into reading.

Sometimes he wished he never snuck around his parent's house and rummaged through thousands of books each night before he went to bed.

Sometimes, it all seemed worthless.

All Aaron knew was when James started reflecting through his eyes, and when his caged thoughts of loneliness and worthlessness broke free, it all shattered.

Even now, sitting on a rusty old slide, Aaron still felt as bad as he did when he walked out the door.

The pain and shame was like a snake; slithering its way from the tips of his toes, to the center of his heart.

Aaron knew that at some point he was going to fuck everything up, and he just reached that point earlier than he initially planned to.

He ran a shaky hand through his hair before muttering out a trembling breath. Her teary eyed expression was glued onto his brain, glimmering through his eyes wherever he looked. It was a pain that he couldn't control, a pain he couldn't help but feel.

Aaron always shrugged off things that didn't matter, but no matter how much he tried, or how much effort he applied, he simply couldn't couldn't couldn't do it.

Rose wasn't something that he could simply wipe off a dinner table, she was a stain; a stain so prominent and noticeable that leaving it would feel like fire creeping up your body.

Because right now as Aaron stared at the kids that aimlessly played with himself, it was when he felt the most terrified.

It wasn't the kind of fear he felt for his brother -one where the adrenalin flowing through your veins was achingly comforting but absolutely terrifying at the same time- but this fear was something much much worse.

It was a fear that dwelled in the depths of your soul; one that seemed to always be sealed within a small sack, but not, it was as though the whole sack exploded open right in his guts.

A fear so absolutely terrorising, so immensely nerve wrecking that Aaron raced back to his apartment.

H̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶s̶c̶a̶r̶e̶d̶.̶

It was this sudden terror that jolted his body so unexpectedly; so ferociously strong that it seemed to knock the breath out of Aaron.

S̶o̶ ̶s̶c̶a̶r̶e̶d̶,̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶s̶c̶a̶r̶e̶d̶,̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶s̶c̶a̶r̶e̶d̶.̶

⌘⌘⌘

Aaron quietly entered his apartment again, sighing when he saw the door unlocked. He entered the cold home before fumbling with the keys as he locked the door, shutting it.

And when Aaron turned around, he jumped a little.

Luke was seated on the sofa, his arms crossed as his hazel eyes were hard, angry. Aaron swallowed. Looked away. "I really screwed up this time haven't I?" He whispered quietly, feeling the pang of pain travel up his throat.

Aaron noticed how quiet the apartment was, and he knew the rest of them have already left. It didn't help him feel better.

Luke's stare softened. He sighed, setting his jaw. "You did."

Aaron grimly nodded his head. Looked down on his shoes. Clenched his fists. D̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶c̶r̶y̶,̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶c̶r̶y̶,̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶c̶r̶y̶.̶

Aaron let out a small breath as he quietly took a seat by the couch, his elbow resting against the armrest as he buried his face in his hand. It always seemed so sudden to Aaron how the pain always seems to catch him off guard.

J̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶e̶.̶

"You shouldn't have been too harsh on her," Luke mumbled, pursing his lips in disapproval. "She didn't know."

Aaron swallowed. "I know."

Luke exhaled a frustrated breath. "Then why did you?"

Aaron shook his head, clenching his jaw. He didn't know how to answer Luke, and he'd never understand anyway. It was like a sudden drive; almost like a demon possessing his soul. He couldn't control it, because James, James, James. "Did she cry?" Aaron asked quietly, panicking when he heard the despair in his voice.

Luke grimly nodded his head. H̶i̶s̶ ̶c̶h̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶h̶u̶r̶t̶. "She was sobbing." His chest hurt.

Aaron looked down onto his lap, feeling his fingers unconsciously clench. I̶t̶ ̶h̶u̶r̶t̶,̶ ̶h̶u̶r̶t̶,̶ ̶h̶u̶r̶t̶. This chunk of guilt, despair and pain settled itself right in the middle of his chest, contracting the most vicious streams of pain throughout his body.

E̶s̶p̶e̶c̶i̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶r̶t̶.̶

Aaron let out a quiet breath, not bearing to meet Luke's disappointed gaze. Usually he'd be the one giving them to him; Aaron didn't know how they switched roles.

"I'm going to go do some homework," Aaron muttered quietly, swallowing as he got up.

"She left you something in your room," Luke said mindlessly, looking up to meet Aaron's wide eyed stare.

H̶e̶ ̶d̶i̶d̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶a̶s̶k̶. "What?"

Luke shrugged. "She didn't tell us, she just told me she kept it on your night stand."

P̶a̶i̶n̶,̶ ̶p̶a̶i̶n̶,̶ ̶p̶a̶i̶n̶. Aaron swallowed before he nodded his head, and off he went.

Thrills of anxiety climbed up his body; from the tips of his toes to the ends of his disheveled hair. It was as though the pain was a mountain climber; soaring up from his stomach to his heart. He could feel bits of his heart tear off as the pain lingered, and it was then that he thought, he deserved it.

Every ounce and fibre of that pain was his to bear.

Aaron seemed like he was purposely trying to reach his room in the slowest pace he could master because he knew that if he saw what she left for him h̶e̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶b̶r̶e̶a̶k the pain would be unbearable.

He swallowed once more when he entered his room, closing the door with a heavy heart. His eyes darted to every corner of the room, utterly petrified on what could be waiting for him and he couldn't breathe couldn't breathe couldn't breathe-

and he saw it.

Aaron didn't know what he expected, but all he knew was when he laid eyes on the book that quietly sat on his bed side table, everything in him hurt.

His legs, his arms, his head, his shoulders, his heart, everything.

He slowly started walking towards the book, each step becoming harder than the other. Aaron could feel the tightness of his lips, and the vulnerability of his eyes. He really hoped Luke wouldn't barge in now.

H̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶r̶y̶.̶

With shallow breaths, Aaron walked so close to the bed side table that he could see the cover, and he broke, broke, broke.

By the time he took the book in hand and read her little note on the sticky note, Aaron had tears in his eyes.

His fingers toyed with the edges of the 2 granola bars she left him - Rose had a way of making Aaron feel like shit, and so far, it was hitting him so hard.

And Aaron knew that if there was anyone in the world that he could trust more than Luke, then it would be Rose.

And he was going to make it clear tomorrow.

⌘⌘⌘

She wasn't there the next day.

And Aaron didn't take that lightly.

He looked for her everywhere, small, desperate prayers were whispering against his lips as he tried one more time to spot her in the hallway.

This wasn't an anxiety that could be forgotten, it was an anxiety that kept reminding Aaron it was there.

And considering the fact that Aaron barely managed to get any sleep the night before (Guilt tends to do that to him), this made him even more alert and anxious.

He could barely wrap his brain around what Mr. Jeffrey was blabbering about in Accounting, and his heart always seemed to clench with worry whenever he would look at the corner of his eye to find Rose's seat empty in English.

The pain was starting to become unbearable when he sat himself down at lunch, watching as everyone else made small talk while Rose's empty chair was screaming the most harshest words at him.

"Where the hell is Rose?" Aiden asked, giving Aaron a small glance before his blue eyes settled on Chase. Aaron unconsciously bit his lip.

Chase shrugged. "She told me she wasn't coming in today anyway,"

Andrew seemed upset, almost heartbroken. "My day doesn't feel the same without her hug."

Aaron didn't know why no one questioned him about his outburst on Rose yesterday, but he figured Luke made up a very believable excuse. But perhaps that was the problem, he wanted to be shouted at, he wanted to Aiden to give him a good punch in the face for it.

Tristan frowned. "I miss her,"

Aiden heaved a sigh, giving another glance to Aaron. "Did she tell you why Chase?" And Aaron knew that Aiden had a way of making people feel guilty, and it was working.

Chase shrugged again. "She didn't tell me why, she just told me she wasn't coming."

Tristan's frown deepened.

Aiden seemed restless too, squirming in his place as his eyes darted everywhere around the cafeteria. But Aaron didn't question it.

Because he had bigger problems.

"And where's Lana too?" Tristan said, talking a sip of his milk.

Andrew shrugged. "I saw her in Algebra last time, so she's probably catching up on some work."

Luke sighed. "So I guess it's just us today."

Tristan nodded, frowning. "And it's not fun."

Aaron could notice the way Aiden was messing around with his hands; unconsciously clenching them as a crease formed right in between his eyebrows.

But Aaron was too focused on Rose's empty seat to notice that his hands were trembling. H̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶,̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶s̶c̶a̶r̶e̶d̶.̶

"But don't you all think it's weird? I mean, Rose would've told us if she wasn't coming in today." Andrew frowned. He was so, so scared.

Aiden shrugged. "Maybe it was a last minute thing or something," But his uneasy blue eyes told Aaron otherwise.

Tristan heaved a small sigh. Luke rubbed his temples, frowning. "Well whatever it is, it isn't the same without her," Andrew said, pursing his light pink lips, the frustration obvious in his dark eyes.

Chase groaned. "You guys are so depressing."

Tristan shrugged. "Rose was our ball of sunshine." H̶i̶s̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶r̶t̶ ̶h̶u̶r̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶.̶

Andrew sighed. "And Lana was the sarcastic piece of work that always slayed Aiden's ass."

Aiden sent a glare to his dark skinned friend. "Really Andrew? Really?"

Andrew shrugged in response. "You can't really deny it."

Tristan buried his face in his fingers. "Both of you cut it out," The corner of his mouth quirked up in an almost grimace. "But quite frankly, I also miss the feisty lil fellow too."

Luke rolled his eyes. "Why are we so weird today?"

"Maybe because we were never normal?"

"Speak for yourself Tris,"

"You are in no position to talk Aiden, you of all people should know that you are nowhere near normal."

"You're saying that as if you are pretty normal Andrew."

"I guess the most normal here is Chase,"

"I'd suggest you reconsider Luke."

"But what about...."

Aaron's mind already drifted from their heated topic of normality, because all he could really think of was this burning pain in his chest.

Aaron quieted got on his feet, slinging his back pack on his shoulder before he shoved his free hand in his pocket and walked away.

He didn't know if anyone really noticed if he was gone, but there was a small part in him that wished Aiden or Luke would just beat him up already. H̶e̶ ̶d̶e̶s̶e̶r̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶,̶ ̶d̶e̶s̶e̶r̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶,̶ ̶d̶e̶s̶e̶r̶v̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶.̶

Aaron watched as he made the familiar way to the library, a sad sigh leaving his lips as he opened the door and entered. It felt so weird being in here without Rose.

H̶e̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶s̶o̶,̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶m̶u̶c̶h̶.̶

He decided to browse through the Classics section of the library today, taking a seat against the shelf as his eyes roamed around all the books.

And when his blue gaze caught Great Expectations, he could feel the long lived pain weave through his body more fiercely than ever before. He lowered his gaze in shame.

And when he caught the liable gaze of Oliver from Oliver Twist from the bottom shelf, he couldn't handle it anymore.

He could feel the tears burn the back of his eyes; blurring his vision with unshed tears. Aaron never really knew why, but whenever he was around books, he seemed to always be true to himself.

Because he knew that if he were anywhere else, there was absolutely no way he would ever be caught crying; let alone starring at Oliver Twist as though it was a dagger to his heart.

Perhaps this was a punishment for everything he had ever done; for all the foul words he has ever said, for all the idiotic things he let happen. But dear God, Aaron just silently pleaded that it would be any other punishment but this, anything else, but just not Rose.

Because Rose, was the only thing he wanted by his side. The only person he was willing to strip his armor off, to show her how fragile he really is.

N̶o̶t̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶e̶,̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶e̶,̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶e̶.̶

He could handle anything else: a bad grade, eternal loneliness, no home, and he would gladly leave Rose alone if that's what she desires, but the thought of Rose upset by him, made his entire existence shake with this concentrated remorse; as though he was drowning in his own toxic acid.

He didn't let one tear shed, j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶p̶a̶r̶e̶n̶t̶s̶ ̶t̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶, but he let his heart do it for him.

His heart was shedding tears of his soul; ripping apart the fragile pieces that always held him together.

He either felt numb, or he felt every fragment of pain slitting his chest.

As Aaron sat ideally on the library floor, his eyes kept flickering to the door, in desperate hope that Rose would barge in any moment and take her usual seat beside him.

H̶e̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶h̶e̶r̶ ̶t̶o̶u̶c̶h̶.̶

"I knew I would find you in here,"

Aaron's eyes snapped to Aiden's mischievous blue ones, watching as he made himself comfortable next to him.

"What do you want Aiden?" Aaron wasn't in the mood for anything funny, a̶l̶l̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶n̶t̶e̶d̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶e̶.̶

"Well it's nice to see you too Aaron," Aiden sarcastically rolled his eyes before he heaved a sigh, all seriousness now in his face. "I came here to talk."

"Talk about what?" Aaron said tiredly, rubbing his eyes. H̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶r̶u̶b̶b̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶e̶x̶c̶e̶s̶s̶ ̶t̶e̶a̶r̶s̶.̶

"Well about Rose of course," Aaron choked on air.

Aiden noticed how tense Aaron became. He let out a small sigh. "What you did to her was wrong Aaron,"

Aaron solemnly nodded his head, swallowing the lump of shame down his throat. "I know."

"Luke told us that you were in a pretty bad mood, and that you just snapped," Aiden said casually, flicking some of his hair off his eyes. "But I didn't buy that crap."

Aaron shrugged. "What do you want me to do about it?"

Aiden ignored him. "I am not trying to sweet talk my way into your personal life and nor am I putting pressure on you to tell me what the fuck happened back there," He was frowning now, directing his annoyed blue stare at Aaron. "But it did kind of piss me off."

He was finally going to get it. H̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶p̶p̶y̶.̶

"Are you going to beat the shit out of me?" Aaron slightly panicked when he could hear the hope in his voice.

"I am sadly not going to," Aiden was smiling now, grinning. "You want me to?"

Aaron found himself nodding his head.

Aiden looked even more amused. "Wow, I wasn't expecting that."

Aaron let out a small breath before he looked around. He hated being cornered like this, especially when it's Aiden. Because he had a way with these kind of things, and Aaron wasn't willing to expose himself just yet.

Maybe sometime in the near future, but not now. N̶o̶t̶ ̶b̶e̶f̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶h̶e̶ ̶e̶x̶p̶o̶s̶e̶d̶ ̶h̶i̶m̶s̶e̶l̶f̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶e̶.̶

Aaron thought it was better to keep quiet, and so he did.

Aiden quirked a questioning eyebrow, almost amusingly. "What? Cat got your tongue?"

Aaron gritted his teeth. Now wasn't the time. "Did you come here to piss me off and I'll be the one who starts this fucking fist fight?"

Aiden grinned. "If you insist."

K̶e̶e̶p̶ ̶c̶a̶l̶m̶. "Aiden, what do you need?"

"I need you to apologise to her Aaron," Aiden said. "And I need you to do it quick."

Aaron sent his friend a scowl. "You're saying that as though I wasn't,"

Aiden's blue eyes widened. "You're going to apologise?"

"Of course I am you moron," Aaron sighed, finally allowing his eyes to reflect some of his guilt. "She didn't deserve it."

Aiden nodded, still shocked. "Yeah...This is still coming off as a shock to me,"

Aaron clenched his jaw, obviously agitated. "I might be an asshole and all, but I still know how to apologise alright Aiden?"

Aiden held his hands up in surrender. "Alright then dude, calm your tits."

Aaron exhaled a breath, shaking his head as he ran a hand through his hair. "Are we done here?"

Aiden nodded. "Yeah, I told you everything I had to say."

Aaron nodded before he took his bag and stood on his feet. "Then I need to go,"

Aiden looked at him weirdly, his lips pressed in a tight line. "But you have a free period now,"

Aaron shrugged. "I have some things I need to do."

"And what is that?"

Aaron ignored Aiden's question before his desperate footsteps padded along the library floor.

Because he was going to go to Chase.

⌘⌘⌘

Aaron was never one to be seen in the locker room, much less be waiting in it.

B̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶R̶o̶s̶e̶.̶

Aaron sat down quietly on the benches right in the middle of the locker room, and he could feel his eyes burning from the God forsaken stench of sweat and exercise.

He refrained from covering his nose (He wanted to seem polite after all) but he couldn't stop his eyes from watering.

When the team players finally started pooling into the room, Aaron got to his feet as his eyes scanned for a particular brown haired boy. He felt awkward considering how all the boys were probably a 100 times more muscular than him, and how he seemed to be an inch or so taller than all of them, making his head seem as though it was floating in mid air.

When Aaron finally spotted Chase, he gave him a small wave.

Chase looked at Aaron, smiling. "Oh hey Aaron, is there something you need?"

"Actually yeah," Aaron said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. "It's about Rose."

Chase's smile seemed to widen. "Well, what is it?"

"When is her birthday?" Aaron asked quietly, feeling the eyes of the several jocks glued onto his back. I̶g̶n̶o̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶.̶