“Gentlemen, this is an unmitigated disaster,” a gruff sounding, stick-figure of a middle aged balding man states strongly. “The CEO has been riding my ass like a black fly in May, in the last four days alone he has had six acquaintances subjected to this humility and he wants answers not speculation! He’s not paying the investigative reporters to suck their thumbs and I don’t want to get defenestrated if he’s next to be sent flying only gods know where. Jimbo, what d’you got?”

“Unless the rules change in the middle, nobody’s gotten hit twice, had a buddy from Uni that specialized in stats for insurance, says if it’s truly random there should have been at least one duplicate as of a week ago unless there’s more ultra-rich than we know.”

“F*kn finally some good news for someone at least. Ruth?”

“Donations to public services and schools have begun to slow down, though an astounding amount has been given across the board. It mostly seems to be those who were close to the limit who increased donations. However, the owner of Palkar brand shoes was vehement he was a hundred platinum under when it happened to him. I found an accountant at the private school that confirmed they were just ‘holding onto it until everything blew over when it disappeared.’”

“Real-time tracking of shell corporations, don’t try it. Parker?”

“Still no signs of Sp-“

“Dammit, come back when you have something! Dirty Ike, I haven’t seen you in months, what do you know?”

“S*it boss, I was in good with the mob and then this started happening, got to the point I had an out so I took it, that floaty guy has to be the head gangster of all time,” Ike says. Despite the hot pace the conversation was taking before, his minimally pressured but deflated speech holds their attention as he has a knack for catching stories of the seedier variety.

“Was a bartender in a place I knew Joey the Brute and Vinny Valencia frequent. Turns out they like rye and whiskey respectively. Was about to start fishing for information on the disappearance of that singer last year, had it all lined up, recordings of her songs, even a lass that was going to sing a few covers the Friday after F*k-Off Mountain happened, as Joey put it. They didn’t show that week, but the week after they did, like nothing happened. I’d managed to crack a few jokes early on so they let me be a bit cheeky from time to time and I figured bigger story was what happens if a mob boss takes a dive.

“So I asks, ‘Hey Vinny, I saw the pillars on TV, but ain’t you worried about fallin’ from the sky?’ Smirks he does and lifts his whiskey, and breaths out heavy like onto the glass and leans back, says to me, ‘I’ma gonna ask you a question since I like you well enough, you recognize this?’ And on the glass’s condensation he draws the old Winter’s Elixer symbol. Course, I say no, does it mean anything. Weasel, he smiles and lifts his drink to his mouth and points to Joey the Brute like it’s beneath him to answer.

“Joey the Brute ain’t no fool either despite the name, says to me that those in the mob have always had two things passed down, generation to generation. Know that if you see that symbol permanent on something you ask them to prove who they is, and they gots to tell you what you just got healed otherwise they beat them to a pulp. The second is to always donate money to the nuns. Vinny, after seeing my confused look, fills in like the magnanimous bastard he is.

“‘You see,’ ‘e says to me, ‘Nobody in the mob has ever used an Elixer, can’t tell you everything that’s got fixed on you, you see? Despite our questionable business deals, we have always donated to nuns or orphanages or something else that takes care of people. And now we know it works, because you haven’t seen a red pillar following us in here. We had a cordial’ he stressed, ‘meeting not long after Stonewell happened with a few other bosses on Hikatta’s island. Hikatta you see has a love for a certain singer who happens to be a granddaughter, had terrible accident about thirty years ago, crushed her vocal cords.’

“This is w’en I relaize that’s the singer that disappeared, but he continues on. ‘My granddaughter has forsaken our lifestyle, and this is a haven for her. I gave her an Elixer so she could continue her career, she was but a child at the time.’ Long story shorter, her career meant she had about 475 platinum to her name, and this Hikatta gifts her 50 more to do with as she will. Pillar of light shows up, but she don’t care ‘cause she’s on her grand-pappy’s private island, but she don’t want the money in the first place so she donates it the next day to a blind nun they keep on the island, says to use have for kids and split the rest between the church and choir. Light disappeared soon as it changed hands.

“But what about the other bit, I asked, the part about the nuns? Easy, they said, shell corporations also count so they took one of Joey the Brute’s henchmen he just hired, young guy, 19 years old, and said he’s in charge of these businesses and they will be watching his performance closely, signed them over and gave him a bill of sale, red pillar of light fell from the sky. Joey burned the bill of sale and documents and light disappeared. All those companies came from Hikatta, so they’s real at least.”

“Ike you sonofa bitch you can’t fix your grammar or give me a damned summary but at least you can pull a bit of my ass out of the fire with this,” the balding man says.

“Sir,” Parker says quickly. “Isn’t it already too late for the CEO then if half of this is whether he has had an Elixer? He’s already glowing.”

“He’ll either have to live with donating most of his money to the rest of us or having it beaten out of him by the powers that be until he is under 500 platinum. Pain is still painful, but at least he’ll have a choice if he acts fast enough. Now get back out there and find me that public menace! Ruth, dig into this Elixer business, see if you can find anyone who hasn’t taken one and donates a lot of money. Cho! Any leads on where the next one will drop? We can’t predict the time but maybe we can figure out where they will end up.”

“No, but we may have a lead on something else though, the Wavetown player incident was caught on camera, it managed to survive despite the building collapsing after a hole was blown in the roof. Bought the original off of them after they released a copy anyway and I found this.”

After playing the images several times, showing a tall man disappearing from the screen and debris flying everywhere, Cho slows down the images until a small blur is seen immediately before the man disappears.

“Two frames, and when you flip them back and forth quickly…” he says, performing said action.

“Is that a f*kn novelty hammer?” the balding man asks harshly.

“No way to tell, but probably not. The bigger story is it is some sort of weapon and weapons are wielded by someone.”

“Brilliant, write it up, we’ll title it ‘Mysterious Menace Hammers Home His Message.’ Get that overly bubbly artist Sia to draw up a sinister looking hammer. Actual good news people, keep it up.”

- - - - - - - - - - -

A large ampitheater, filled with 33 desks spread throughout seven levels, with a lamp and a name plate at each, and a person behind nearly every desk.

“Mr. Chairman, I would like to conclude by inquiring with the Chair if there have been any updates concerning the Distinguished Representative of the Ucene Republic’s declaration that this so-called ‘Mad Hammer’ is nothing more than a, quote, ‘Raving lunatic,’ end quote, in light of the collateral damage inflicted upon cities globally, and that he has voluntarily handed himself over to their administration yesterday. I yield the floor.

“Thank you Ambassador Wellens. The committee has indeed received confirmation that the individual seen at Stonedeep Mountain has been apprehended and has verbally agreed to reparations at this time. I invite Mr. Benetar to give the committee a full update on the situation.”

“Thank you Mr. Chairman for those kind words,” the man behind the Ucene Republic plaque states, causing a ripple to go through those assembled at the apparent lack of decorum.

“First, several things,” he continues, snapping his fingers once.

An immense amount of magic flows where it should not, as indeed several things happen seemingly simultaneously. Glittering shields envelope all of the desks and occupants thereof, the real Benetar is seen tied and gaged upon his desk. The man who snapped transformed into the Other, wearing the same white outfit as he did twenty years prior, slicked back hair with a magical black grease, white suit, white vest, white shirt, with shiny golden buttons, watch chain, pocket liners, and pocket square to match.

“Second, there is no escape nor stopping the broadcast signal, so just relax, and the reporters above should continue as before. Third, before I leave here today, I intend on providing this esteemed organization with their estimated 3,125 platinum damage estimates despite lack of loss of life. Fourth, Mr. Chairman, I will give the people here 43 days to rectify the errors of judicial and procedural justice in the case of Nora Black. As to not only threaten with a hammer, as it were, the reward shall be thus, several more years of health prosperity and a gradual return to normal. Otherwise, in six months I would advise extreme caution as no longer shall one’s health stop at ‘near’ death. Additionally, the closer to the deadline you delay, the more I shall consider changing the landing targets to active volcanos.

“Thank you for your time Mr. Chairman. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors,” the Other says, finishing a second before the walls seem to explode as sixteen naked men crash through, several trailing glittering coins behind them and the rest following suit after hitting various objects or shields. “I yield the floor.”