“You’ve let that cretin out?” asked Niall.

“No of course not,” said ‘Arry. “But he has some useful information he is going to retrieve for us.”

‘Arry gestured to a chair next to him, and Jake sat down. The image on the screen in front of them flickered, and the gore covered lettering of “Lapine Death Corps” appeared.

“Login?” said ‘Arry.

Jake reached over to grab the keyboard. ‘Arry raised his arm to stop him.

“I said, login?”

Jake looked at him, trembling. “Can I borrow the keyboard please?”

“No. Tell me your login, I will be driving.”

“But you can’t log in as somebody else, it is contrary to the protocol of both Lapine Death Corps and the internet in general.”

“You are one strike away from your chance being wasted,” said ‘Arry, “and unless you fancy joining the others on the tapestry in my…”

“Okay, okay, okay,” Jake interrupted. “Jake45. And the password is… capital K, f, 7, capital U, i, s, sixty nine, capital G, h, b, six, e, capital G, capital P, 9, s, k, capital J, v, u, I, b, capital G,” Jake gasped for breath. “dash bananas. No capitals.”

“What is wrong with you?” sighed Niall.

“You can’t be too careful nowadays,” said Jake. “There are hackers everywhere.”

‘Arry finished typing and hit enter.

“We’re in!” he said. “Now show me where this room is.”

“It’ll be a lot easier if I drive,” said Jake.

“Al!” shouted ‘Arry to the room. “Bring my needle and thread.”

“Okay!” panicked Jake. “You can drive, but please don’t get me killed.”

‘Arry turned the machine gun that Jake45 held in his hand to the floor, and shot himself repeatedly in the foot. Jake gave a little yelp, before the screen went red and his character regenerated.

“Sorry,” shrugged ‘Arry with a fairly obvious not sorry look on his face.

Jake sighed. He was slowly learning that had no option but to play ball. “Fine, go to the left.”

“Good boy,” sniggered Niall from the back.

‘Arry strolled around the Crawkling scenery of Lapine Death Corps, getting killed clumsily by the rabid zombie rabbits on many an occasion. He got some satisfaction from the grimaces of obvious horror that the declining ranking of Jake45 was bringing to Jake’s face. Eventually, on the twelfth floor of the Tower of Power Jake paused.

“It’s just round here, and I’m not being awkward or rude I promise, but you might want me to take over for this bit. Either I’m not the only person who has noticed this hidden room, or the Crawklings are very keen to defend it.”

“I’ve told you, that’s not happening.”

“I know, but look at that radar. There are literally hundreds of people on that corridor, and no offence, ‘Arry Sir, you won’t stand a chance of getting past them.”

“Well, we’ll see won’t we?”

Jake shrugged.

‘Arry turned the corner, and was shot before he could even see the crowd of people.

“They’re desperately defending it. ‘Arry, I think we are on to something. We need to get to that room!” said Jake, excitement generating on his face.

Jake45 regenerated three floors below, and it took about ten minutes before he got back to the same place again.

“Right then, I’ll try a different tactic this time shall I?”

‘Arry threw a smoke bomb round the corner, followed by two or three grenades. He actually killed a few people this time, but the horde of players who ran round the corner to sort him out was far too much. It only took a few more attempts before ‘Arry got frustrated and his joypad was launched across the room.

“Let him try ‘Arry,” said Niall. “Maybe this is his chance to make amends.”

Reluctantly ‘Arry agreed, and waved to Jake to go and retrieve the joypad. Jake did so, and suddenly felt invigorated. He had a purpose and people were relying on him. He didn’t think that had ever happened before.

Jake began from the same point ‘Arry did, and it took no time before he reached the corner of the corridor where the crowds were gathered, such was the grace of his movements and the clarity of his killing. He threw a multitude of smoke bombs and grenades, and quickly retreated so that he expertly blended in with another group of players. Using them as a shield, he started picking the onrushing hordes off, one by one. When he had cleared a path, he began to rush them, driving through using his chainsaw for close combat and swapping to a machine gun when there was more space. It wasn’t long before he got to the door he was aiming for.

“Come on Jake, open it!” shouted ‘Arry.

“I can’t! I don’t know how,” he moaned. “I’ve been here before, there’s something special about this door.”

“Just press ‘A’” cried ‘Arry. “It opens doors.”

Jake did and the screen flashed lime green.

YOU ARE THE CRAWK-KING, BUT THAT IS NOT HOW YOU OPEN THIS DOOR.

There was a cackling, and the screen went back to normal.

“That’s never happened before,” said Jake excitedly.

“You have to open it! Think,” said ‘Arry. “You are the Crawk – King, you must have picked up something whilst you were there.”

Jake thought for a minute, and got shot.

“Ok then,” said ‘Arry. “That’s a big step in the right direction. And you can stay in control, you are pretty good I’ll give you that.”

“But you definitely need to get out more,” said Niall.

“I agree. But before you go again, you must have an idea of how to open the door. Do the Crawklings have any special techniques, or tools they use?”

Jake thought about it for a while. “Maybe a crowbar?”

“Do you have one of those in the game?”

“I know where there is one,” said Jake.

“Do it,” said ‘Arry.

Jake spent a good couple of hours trying to open the door. He tried crowbars, machine guns, grenades and good old fashioned karate chops, but nothing would do it. Of course he knew this, because the first time he had found the door he had also tried for hours to get in it. Obsessive gamers like Jake didn’t let potential hidden secrets just lie there. With the extra information he had now though, this would be the biggest easter egg of all time.

There was a commotion at the door, and Al walked in with a big Tupperware tub.

“Your sewing kit, ‘Arry.”

The commotion was largely being caused by Jaska who had been obstructing Al furiously.

“You are not taking the face off my Jakey!” she cried.

She glanced at Jake and greeted him with the usual sign language and muttering that she always did, as Al put the Tupperware on the table next to ‘Arry.

“Don’t wo… What was that, Jaska?” asked ‘Arry.

“What was what?”

“That weird waving.”

“Oh, that. It’s the greeting that we have for our Crawk-King, Leader of War.”

“Do it again.”

She looked at him blankly, but obeyed. Of course she obeyed, you always obey ‘Arry ‘Ed ‘Unter - especially when he has his sewing kit with him. “Up, down, left, right, around, around, around” she repeated, along with the actions.

“Try that, Jake,” said ‘Arry.

Jake looked confused, but put his hand up to his chin, to begin the actions.

“No! On the game, you idiot,” said ‘Arry. “That is your sign, maybe it’s your password.”

Jake’s eyes lit up. It was simple, but it made so much sense.

He glided through the corridors of the Tower of Power, and the crowds parted in a red sea of flesh and blood before him. They reached the door and he tried the combination.

UNLOCKED

The door opened, Jake45 stepped inside the room, and the screen went blue.

“BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!!” screamed Jake. “NOOOOOOO!!”