《The Bartender at the End of the Universe》Ch 278: Sorting Through the Data
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"Hue hue hue!" Harold chuckled and spilled a bit of the alcohol from his mug as he shook from laughter.
"I'm telling you, it's true." Ted replied.
"Hah! That is a pretty wild story," Abraham nodded.
"Yes, it was quite the experience." Sid added. "Trizel had a way to bring things to a head."
"Plus, he was freaking huge!" Og'drimun interjected. "The guy could barely fit through doors because of all of his muscles!"
"Really? Ah, what a shame," Harold reminisced. "Really could have used someone like that on our football team. We've got to make state you know!"
It was strange. Ted hadn't been in school in ages, but Harold reminded him of a teacher. It almost felt like he had been the principal at Ted's high school. Despite being an adult now, it felt weird to just be sitting around and chatting with someone like that.
Ted shook his head. "Yeah, I want to make sure to remember him fondly. He was a lot of things, and most every single one of them was great."
Abraham raised his glass. "A toast then, to this Trizel, and to other fallen comrades called up to heaven's grace far too early."
The others raised their mugs as well.
WHACK
Sid was a little too eager, and thrust his mug into the center a bit too hard. As most of the alcohol spilled over the top of everyone's mugs, Og'drimun was knocked back in the air, and his mug went flying away from him. The mug bounced on the table and emptied itself in mere moments.
"Ugh," Og'drimun groaned as he picked himself up off the floor. "I think I'm gonna...That was...hrrrk."
The tiny demon doubled over and released the alcohol he had pumped himself full of all over the floor.
"It seems I underestimated my strength." Sid explained. "I apologize."
"Hah! No need to be sorry," Abraham smirked. "Demons like him deserve far worse. Let him stew in his own juices for a bit."
"Right." Ted said slowly before he turned to Sid. "But that is strange. Since when do you not know your own strength? Isn't your understanding of yourself important to your core programming or whatever it was?"
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Sid nodded. "Quite correct."
"Then what's the issue?" Harold asked. "You're some sort of automaton, right? What, do you need a swift kick or something? I mean, repairs tend to be costly, but a swift smack, and most machines learn their place as they start working properly again."
"Yeah, I'm not too sure what to think about you myself." Abraham added. "You were a machine, but made yourself human? Or at least, you twisted yourself into a sort of mockery of the human form."
Ted shifted in his seat. "You don't have to be so mean guys. Come on, we're all friends here..."
Abraham let out a derisive laugh. "Friends? That's funny." he said. "At best a lot of us are enemies on a short hiatus from tearing each other's throats out."
"So violent!" Harold replied in genuine shock. "I completely disagree. Friends may be a bit strong, but we're most definitely not enemies." He adjusted the glasses on his face. "I simply like all equipment under my purview to be operating properly...at least if it's equipment that matters at all. If say a tuba was in disrepair, or some paintbrushes were broken, that's no real loss."
Sid sat patiently, and as their replies died down, he responded, "Our time in the castle was enlightening. Many things changed, even just within myself in my time down there. I believe many of my capabilities were vastly improved due to various external and internal stimuli."
"Okay, putting aside the enemies thing, and thinking of Sid as nothing but an object, you aren't sure the extent of your abilities anymore." Ted said. "Is that safe? Do we need to go out and make sure you're okay? Like test out how strong you are?"
Abrahm grinned. "I'm down for some testing. But if it goes too far, don't blame me."
"I do not know if that is a prudent idea." Sid explained. "I still have vast amounts of data to process from our adventure. That should be my first priority, not prodding to discover my new limits."
"I'm just a little worried," Ted admitted. "I don't want things to get out of hand."
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"I know you're there." Narissa hissed. "You're not exactly subtle."
"I never meant to sneak around of course. You just seemed so preoccupied." Lulu replied.
Narissa glanced back towards the carnival worker with a furious glare that was so intense it could bore a hole through solid steel.
"What have you got hidden away down here?" Lulu asked as she ignored Narissa's obvious anger.
"My business is my own," Narissa replied. "It has nothing to do with you."
"Come on now." Lulu grinned. "We're working together now, right? So you may as well bring me in on more of your secrets. How else can I help?"
"How else can you steal them for a profit you mean?"
Lulu put a hand over her chest, and with a shocked expression exclaimed. "Narissa, I can't believe you'd think so little of me. Why, I've never stolen a day in my life!"
"We have very different definitions of stealing then," Narissa retorted.
Lulu smiled and shrugged.
A stretch of silence followed as Narissa walked forward through the basement. And behind her Lulu walked with her hands on the top of her head and a skip in her step. All while her eyes shifted around the darkness that surrounded them.
"You're really not going to leave me alone, are you?" Narissa asked.
"Nope."
"Anything I can do to change your mind/"
"Nope."
Narissa put the back of her hand up against her forehead and sighed. "Very well. I will allow you to come."
"I knew you'd see reason!" Lulu cheered.
"But!" Narissa interjected. "I'm going to need your help on a couple things, and you absolutely cannot touch anything without me explicitly asking you to do so."
Lulu had a greedy look in her eyes. "What? Of course not. I just want to help after all."
Narissa reached the gaping mouth. She pulled out a small gem from her pocket and set it in the beast's eye. A glowing light poured out and seemed to scan her.
The mouth twisted and contorted as it closed shut.
"Phew. I thought you were going to say we were going in that thing for a moment there." Lulu said.
The mouth opened again. This time the path was straight ahead instead of going down deep below.
Narissa smiled. "Why, of course we're going to go inside of it. Just think of it like crossing into your lovely carnival."
With that, Narissa stepped inside of the open mouth and continued on her way forward.
Lulu frowned. "That's what I was afraid of," she muttered to herself before she followed behind the baroness.
"So, you're Death?" Azrail asked.
Uh, last I checked, yeah. Death shrugged.
"I'm a big fan you see." Azrail explained. "I've also just finished talking with our friend Ted about you."
Oh yeah? Death nodded. I guess that's cool. Oh! Did he tell you about my sick kick flip and all the handstands I can totally do?
Azrail smiled. "He may have been a little distracted. I told him a story you see, and it seemed to cut to his very core. Really made him look at himself more carefully."
Oh, replied Death, who was clearly disappointed. That's cool, I guess.
"We're getting a bit off topic though. You see, I had some things to ask you about your scythe." Azrail explained. "There are a few things I'm curious about."
Sure sure, Death said. Just ask whatever you want.
"Excellent. You see, I just want to..."
Oh wait! What do you think about my shirt? Death pulled his t-shirt down to show off the design on the front.
Death's shirt had a skeleton holding up a bony middle finger with the caption, "You think you're the shit, but you're not even the fart."
Pretty cool, right? Death asked excitedly.
"I uh...I mean...I suppose..." Azrail seemed to be a bit lost for words as Death itself seemed so proud of his...unique...shirt.
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