《The First Flame》136. I Fall, Swallowed by the Endless Sea
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Bellona walked through the streets with her mind dancing from one thought to another. As she walked, she took in the sounds of the people rebuilding their destroyed city; hammers pounding and saws growling. It was a refreshing change over the cries of the citizens over the last few days since the attack as they continued to pull bodies out of rubble. With the period of mourning behind her, she felt like things may start to go back to normal.
Yet things were as far from normal as they could be. Eir and Bellona had been helping with the reconstruction but Arylos and Iris were strangely absent. Bellona felt sad as she remembered seeing Iris cradling a sobbing Arylos in her arms as she pulled the Titan away from the Eikon’s corpse. The sight was something Bellona had never expected to see; Arylos had been victorious and yet he had never looked so defeated. But it was Iris that surprised Bellona the most.
“Not now,” was all Iris told Bellona as she took Arylos away from the scene of the battle.
Bellona wondered just what happened during the fight. She rubbed her arms as she felt a strange chill come over her that contrasted against the summer air. Something inside her stirred and she could not help but be even more concerned for her friends. She stopped in her stride as she clenched her fists, unwilling to respect Iris’s wishes as she changed direction and made her way towards the duo’s cottage. She needed to know just what was going on and she would not take no for an answer.
Bellona marched up the steps of the cottage and knocked, trying to stop herself from pounding on the door like she was hammering a nail into it. In the silence after her knocking, Bellona felt nervous as she had to fight the impulse to pace back and forth.
Before long, the door slowly opened and Bellona felt a weight be lifted off her shoulders as Iris stuck her head out, her expression tired and her hair a mess.
“Bellona?” Iris asked as she rubbed her eyes.
“Yeah, were you asleep?” Bellona asked softly.
“A little,” Iris said with a yawn.
“Oh, I’m sorry; I can come back later,” Bellona said nervously.
“No, it’s fine,” Iris said while waving her hand. “I should actually thank you for stopping by.”
Bellona let out a sigh as she rubbed her hands together. “Are you alright?” she asked in a shy voice.
Iris thought for a moment before opening the door the rest of the way and stepping out onto the porch. Bellona could tell Iris was taking things rough based on her loose fitting robe that showed the bandage wrapped around her lower stomach. “I guess that depends,” Iris said while crossing her arms, hiding her partially exposed chest.
Bellona panicked a little as she felt as though Iris’s tone was a warning that she was crossing a line. “How are you handling things?” Bellona asked.
Iris thought for a bit and made a gentle nod. “I’m here. I’ve been worse but I’m not having a great time if that’s what you’re asking.”
“And what about Arylos?” Bellona asked with a sad voice.
Iris’s expression changed as she looked down at her feet and thought. After a minute, she sniffed and rubbed her eyes with a tired sigh. “Are you doing anything right now?”
“N-No, that’s why I came here,” Bellona answered nervously.
“Good, come in; I’m too sober for this,” Iris said while walking back inside the cottage. Bellona followed Iris as she tightened her robe and reached for a bottle of wine on the table nearby. As Bellona closed the door behind her, Iris reached for another glass on a shelf and popped the cork of the bottle and began pouring the liquor.
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“How do you think he’s doing?” Iris said in a tone that carried anger.
Bellona shook under a newfound fear of Iris. “I’m sorry, I just figured–”
“A ghost from his past comes back to haunt him,” Iris cut Bellona off as she set the bottle of wine down hard. “Said ghost then destroys almost half of the city and he’s the only one that can stop it. During the fight, I could have gotten killed if I wasn’t lucky. How do you think he’s doing right now?”
Bellona lowered her head as she tried to see Arylos through the new lenses that the last year and a half afforded her to look through. She knew he hated fighting and that the Eikons trigger something deep inside of him.
“I’m sorry,” Bellona said as she felt sorry for Arylos and Iris. “I can go if you want me to.”
Iris’s scowl slowly turned to a soft smile as she sighed. “No, I need you here,” she said as she grabbed both glasses and handed one to Bellona. “You’ve known him the longest, so I want your help.”
A confused Bellona took the glass as she wondered if Iris had been paying attention. “Just because I’ve known him the longest doesn’t mean anything, Iris. This Arylos that you have is not the Arylos I grew up with.”
“Right, so what changed?” Iris said while drinking from her glass.
“What do you mean?” Bellona asked.
Iris turned around as she held her glass close. “Since you’ve known Arylos, he was like a god of war to you. He was destructive, dangerous, nightmarish. However for as long as I’ve known him, he hates fighting and only does so when he has to or is driven to. The Arylos that killed Tyranny was closer to the Arylos you knew rather than the man I know.”
“You changed him,” Bellona said while swirling the wine in his glass. “Didn’t he kill the people who attacked you when you met him?”
Iris laughed under her breath as she thought back to when she woke him up and the weeks that followed. “Yes, but as I learned over time, he has always hated fighting. He doesn’t want to be a monster.”
“You’re saying he’s been putting on an act?” Bellona asked as she thought.
Iris nodded as she drank from her glass once more. “Exactly. He thinks he has to be the strong one because no one else will. He really just wants to be left alone, to not fight anymore.”
“And yet he still has to fight,” Bellona slowly realised as she drank the wine Iris offered.
“But now I can’t help him,” Iris said in a sad voice. “He’s hurt, Bellona. He’s afraid, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to make it any better for him.”
“What do you mean?” Bellona asked as she took another drink.
Iris set down her glass as she slowly nodded to herself. “Come with me,” she instructed in a soft voice as she walked down the hallway with Bellona right behind her. Iris turned towards one of the doors and with a sad expression, she slid it open.
Bellona followed Iris into the room and she saw Arylos sitting on the bed with his head hung low and a blanket draped over his shoulders. Iris came over towards Arylos and sat down next to him on the bed. “Hey honey, Bellona is here to check on us,” she said in a soft and concerned voice.
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Arylos looked up at Bellona and the Templarian soldier felt her heart sink as she looked into his eyes, red at the pupils and at the whites around his irises. The mighty Titan looked at her with a sad expression and groaning growls in his chest. Bellona knew this look well; Arylos was well and truly defeated. He was traumatised and afraid and he gave into his fears and pain leaving him an empty husk.
This was a defeated warrior.
“Hey there big guy,” Bellona said softly as she worked up the courage to sit down next to Arylos. “How are you feeling?”
Arylos lowered his head back down as he growled under his breath. He held his hands together and gave Bellona no words save for the sounds of his inhuman growling.
“Has Iris been taking care of you well enough?” Bellona asked nervously as she tried to find words to say to Arylos. Yet as before, he remained silent except for the growling in his chest. Bellona felt frustrated with the Titan; that he was blowing her and Iris off as they tried to help him.
“Arylos?” Bellona asked as she reached out and rested her hand on Arylos’s shoulder. As soon as she touched him, Arylos jerked himself away from her and snarled like an angry dog as he looked at her with angry eyes. Bellona panicked in her heart as she felt afraid of Arylos once more, afraid of him lashing out at her.
“It’s okay, honey,” Iris whispered softly as she reached out and rubbed his back. Slowly, Arylos’s expression softened until his growling stopped and he turned away from Bellona.
Bellona realised that Arylos was not blowing them off; he was aware and listening to them, but was too angry and hurt to move on. As she watched Iris comfort him, she knew exactly what was wrong with him. Bellona lowered her hand and thought to herself as she wondered just how she could help the Titan. Maybe he was beyond their help. Maybe he was lost in his fury. Maybe he was drowning in pain.
Bellona nodded as she had her answer. “Hey, we’ll give you your space, okay?” Bellona said softly, trying to resist touching Arylos. “Just let us know if you need anything; we’re here to help you.”
Arylos gave Bellona no answer outside of his soft growling. Yet to Bellona’s shock, she saw him slowly nod his head; a gentle movement, but more acknowledgement of her words than she had been getting. Bellona patted on her knees as she got up from the bed and gestured to Iris that she was leaving. Iris kissed Arylos’s cheek and got up and followed Bellona out of the room, sliding the door closed behind them.
“Has he been like that this whole time?” Bellona asked while letting out a sigh.
“Since I got my wound bandaged, yes,” Iris said while leaning her forehead against the door. “I want to help him, but I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know what he needs.”
Bellona sighed as she turned away and walked down the hallway back to the living room. “You might not think so, but you are helping him.”
“I am? How?” Iris asked as she turned around.
“Just you being there so he’s not alone; that’s how you can help him,” Bellona said as she reached for her glass of wine Iris had poured and took a drink.
“Then why isn’t he getting any better?” Iris asked softly as she walked down the hall and rejoined Bellona, her head low in shame as she crossed her arms.
“It’s survivor’s guilt,” Bellona said while leaning against a wall.
“Survivor’s guilt?” Iris asked in confusion.
Bellona nodded and looked at the wine in her glass. “What happened to his people? You were the only one he told so what did he tell you?”
Iris thought for a moment before taking a deep and shuddered breath. “He killed them,” she said softly. “They were at war and wanted to destroy our world, so he killed all of them to stop them.”
Bellona nodded as she drank the rest of the wine in her glass. “I don’t think that’s quite right,” she said to Iris’s surprise. “He may have killed them, but I don’t think that’s why he’s hurting. The Eikons elicit a specific response in him; they bring out his survivor’s guilt.”
Iris thought about what Bellona was saying before the realisation set in for her. “He killed his people to keep them from destroying our world. The Eikons now live to destroy our world.”
“Therefore, he thinks he failed,” Bellona finished while glancing towards the door down the hall. “He killed his people, leaving himself as the last of his kind, all to stop something like the Eikons from existing, right? But the Eikons live anyway and he can’t stop them. He’s depressed, angry, and alone. He killed his people for nothing and now he has to live with that.”
Iris felt her soul ache for Arylos as she rubbed her stomach, feeling the scar Tyranny left her under the bandages. “And an Eikon could have killed me if I wasn’t careful.”
Bellona nodded as she pushed away from the wall. “He’s in pain and he almost lost you; the last thing he needs right now is to be alone. He needs you now more than ever.”
“But I can’t do anything for him,” Iris said softly. “He barely eats, when I get into bed with him he just cries, and he doesn’t talk to me.”
“That may just be how he copes for now,” Bellona said while resting a hand on Iris’s shoulder. “You are the change he needed; someone to take away what he is. And for a moment, he became what he was again. He remembered just what he was and that hurt him.”
Iris nodded slowly as she rubbed her eyes before they could form tears. “You’ve fallen in love with a scarred warrior,” Bellona continued with a sigh. “You’ve taken him from the shadows and brought him to the light. And a few days ago, the shadows took him again. So remind him how warm the light can be, okay?”
Iris nodded as she sniffled softly. “I will,” she said softly while rubbing her nose.
Bellona nodded as she set her hand on Iris’s head, flinching instinctively but rubbing Iris’s scalp once she realised Iris was not going to retaliate. “Good girl,” she said in a soft voice.
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