Bob was resting with a warm mug when his door slammed open. Londibni strode into the room with tears in the corners of her eyes and bow in hand.

“BOOOOBBBBB!!!”

“Hi Londibni. Congratulations on your promotion.”

“Congratulations? CONGRATULATIONS?! Bob, you idiot! This is all your fault! Why are you trying to get me killed?!”

“I’m not though?”

Londibni made a muffled scream, then heaved a huge sigh and rubbed her temples.

“Ok, I think you’re not fully understanding something here, so let me lay it out for you, Bob. Becoming an Eight General is a huge honor. You sit at the right hand of the Dark Lord, you have his ear and receive his commands directly. You are second only to him. Which means every resource and individual in the Dark Lord’s realm is at your disposal. You receive an entire country’s worth of land and resources to command. You can take anything you want. You can gain access to powerful artifacts and forbidden arcane lore unlike anything else in the world. And no one can defy you, save the other Generals and the Dark Lord himself. I could kill you, right now, with no reason at all, and no one would bat an eye.”

“Yes, that’s why I’m congratulating you.”

Londbini’s eye twitched.

“Which is why literally every eye in the Realm is on the Eight Generals at all times. From the lowliest goblin to the Dark Lord himself. Everyone below me will want to kill me and take my spot. All the other Generals will want to expose a weakness and force me under their heel. The Dark Lord himself will be appraising me at all times to determine if I’m worthy of his trust.”

She closed her eyes, clenching her fists as she shouted.

“AND I’M NOT EVEN LEVEL 100 YET!!! I’M WEAK, SUPER WEAK! I’M THE WEAKEST EIGHT GENERAL TO EVER EXIST, BOB! SO WHAT DO YOU THINK IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN?!!! I’M ABOUT TO GET TORN TO SHREDS, BOB!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you.”

“Help me?! HELP ME?! Bob, what are you even going to do?! You’re level 60 for goodness sake!”

“63, actually.”

Londibni froze.

“Wait what? W-What have you been doing to have leveled up three times while I was away?”

Bob shrugged. After all, it wasn’t what he was doing.

Your Retainer Aurélie Laffitte de Atrein has slain: Level 50 Orc Warrior!

You have gained 3 XP!

Your Retainer Aurélie Laffitte de Atrein has slain: Level 75 Goblin Shaman!

You have gained 28 XP!

Your Retainer Aurélie Laffitte de Atrein has slain…

He dismissed the stream of notifications once more. The Hero Princess seemed to be making great use of his hero skills and holy blessings.

Bob stood up and picked up another warm mug. He walked over and handed to Londibni, patting her on the shoulder.

“We’ll find a way. Just let me know what he wants you to do and I’ll think of something.”

Londibni glared at him once more, then heaved a sigh and took a swig from her mug.

“We’re going to die.”

Londibni knelt before the Dark Lord once more.

“My Lord, your servant awaits your command.”

“I have high hopes for you, my newest General. Long has the Free City of Burnhaven been a thorn in my side. You shall conquer them in my name.”

“It shall be done, my lord.”

Bob’s door slammed open once more.

“BOOOBBBBB! I KNEW IT! IT’S DONE! WE’RE DEAD!”

Bob looked up from the potion he was mixing.

“Why are we dead?”

“The Dark Lord ordered me to conquer Burnhaven!”

“And why does that mean we’re dead?”

Londibni pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Look Bob, the Free City of Burnhaven is the last independent location in the entirety of the Dark Lord’s Realm. It is surrounded on all sides, completely cut off, for years now. And yet, still it stands. Do you know why?”

“The combination of highly defensible terrain, extremely valuable trade goods, innovative and powerful weaponry, and the strong logistics offered by the gnomish airships keeping trade open with the Free Peoples despite its geographic isolation?”

“That’s…correct, actually. Stop that, it’s annoying.”

“So why does that make us dead?”

Londibni heaved a sigh.

“Look, so it’s a tradition at this point to have any newly appointed Eight General assault Burnhaven. No one expects me to actually succeed. BUT, it’s a chance for a new General to show off what they can do, and compete with their predecessors. How close to the walls of Burnhaven we get will be taken as a sign of how strong…or weak we are.”

“So I’ve heard.”

Londibni’s eye twitched.

“And! That! Means! My weakness is about to be painfully, objectively revealed to the entire Realm! If I manage not to get killed by a dwarven sniper or a gnomish cannon, I won’t even make it back home from the assault!”

Bob shrugged.

“Don’t worry, I have a plan.”

“You have a plan?! YOU HAVE A PLAN?! Bob, do you even know anything about Burnhaven's defenses?! A joint dwarven-gnomish colony built into the side of a former volcano, there’s no approach except across wide open volcanic fields, filled with slippery and jagged rocks. There is no cover to hide your approach. You can’t even burrow through the ground, since all the surroundings are solid volcanic rock and there are still magma flows underground if you dig too deep. And if you manage to make it to the mountain, you have to climb up almost vertical cliffs of smooth volcanic rock! And if you manage to make it even part way up the mountain you’ll have to face the actual defenses! Battlements constructed from the toughest stone and metal alloys the dwarves can process, defended by the stoutest dwarves armed with the most powerful enchanted weaponry all their craft can produce! And not to mention all those gnomish inventions, raining fire and invisible arrows down from the sky! And their airships, dropping all manner of terrible thing upon our heads while dwarven sappers ambush our rear from prepared tunnels that they can violently collapse if we try to follow them! They can even reroute a magma flow to dump lava directly on our army! Even the Dark Lord himself thought it too much trouble to take Burnhaven! And you say you have a plan?! YOU HAVE A PLAN?! What on Eirorun can you plan against that?!”

Bob shrugged.

“Simple, the order was to conquer Burnhaven, not to assault it, correct?”

“Huh? Well, yes, though I don’t see the difference?”

Bob nodded.

“You have necromancers under your command now, correct?”

“Bob, please don’t tell me you think we can just send an undead horde and wear them out. That was literally the first thing tried against Burnhaven.”

“Do you have them or not?”

Londibni sighed.

“Yes, we do.”

Bob smiled.

“Then it’s fine.”

Londibni just knelt on the floor, holding her face.

Bob was carried into a large room by dwarven guards. The walls were made of stone, while the pillars were made of metal gadgets and gears. A half-circle table stood before him, several dwarves and gnomes seated at it. Burnhaven had no king, for its founders had specifically fled the tyranny of king and clan. Rather it had a Council of crafters and inventors, the first among equals or so they said.

They stared at him for a moment before one of the dwarves started to chuckle.

“Aye, ya’ve got a pair on ya. Minion of the Dark Lord walking right up to us and askin’ to talk? We’ve heard the surrender speech many a time, laddie. We’ll tell ya now what we told ya then. We’ll surrender once ya get through the gates!”

All the Council laughed at him. Bob simply smirked.

“How about a trade deal?”

They froze.

“What are ya talking about, laddie? Ya think after all ya’ve put us through that we’ll just open the coffers and invite ya in?”

“The boy’s clearly mad.”

“What a waste of time. Guards!”

Bob reached into his pocket and pulled out a scroll. He offered it to a nearby guard. The lead dwarf raised an eyebrow but nodded to the guard. He took the scroll, opening it and checking for anything foul play, then handing it over to the Council.

The lead dwarf’s eyes bulged at what he saw. Bob smiled.

“I trust that would be worth negotiating on, at the very least?”

The dwarf narrowed his eyes at Bob.

“Ya ask a lot, laddie. Even assuming ya actually speak for the Dark Lord and can guarantee this, there’s still the matter of the war. We dwarves do not end a war without settling our debts.”

“What war?”

Silence hung in the room. One of the gnomes just groaned and held his forehead.

“Yep, he’s mad alright.”

“Boy. Explain.”

“There was never officially a declaration of war between the Free City of Burnhaven and the Dark Lord’s Realm from either side. In fact, the Free City of Burnhaven, to this point, has not acknowledged the authority of the Dark Lord nor the existence of his realm. As far as Burnhaven is concerned, there is no war to settle for there is no other party to be at war with. What has occurred were a series of monster attacks that were fended off. There is no grudge to settle in that?”

“Semantics, boy. Ya test my patience.”

“But important semantics. After all, wasn’t Burnhaven founded by those who were appalled by the endless bickering of the clans? By those who sought progress above all else?”

The Council all glanced at one another, then turned to Bob.

“We will discuss your proposal. Begone now, and await our decision.”

Bob gave a humble bow and then was escorted from the room…

Londibni knelt before the Dark Lord once more.

“General Grenuc, explain yourself.”

“I am only fulfilling your command, my lord.”

“Are you now? Do you not know that I see all that occurs within my realm? Did you think I would not know of your deeds? I believe I commanded you to conquer Burnhaven. Why then, are you spending your time making farms? I have heard you are even using the pale hordes as mere laborers.”

“It was all to achieve this, my lord.”

Londibni reached into her pocket and pulled out a scroll. A dark minion took the scroll, opened it and checked for foul play, and then handed it to the Dark Lord.

Who froze as he read the contents.

“What…is this?”

“An offer of surrender…of the exclusive rights to Burnhaven exports.”

“...what?”

“The problem is not the existence of the city, but the fact that they don’t acknowledge your rule and sell weapons to your enemies, correct?”

“...I suppose.”

You see my lord, we have identified a weakness, and struck at Burnhaven where they are most vulnerable. Their wallets. The Free City has only survived by shipping in food and supplies from the Free Peoples.”

“Do not remind me of that travesty. I'm deeply disappointed we cannot stop those gnomes from flying all over my realm like they own the place.”

“However, while the gnomish airships can evade our defenses, they are expensive to build and run, and do not carry much capacity when considering food. As a result, the price of food has skyrocketed within Burnhaven, and they have been forced to sell their enchanted weapons and cunning inventions for a fraction of their worth.”

“Yes, we were trying to starve them out, what does this have to do with my orders?”

“With undead farmers, we can expand our food production at will for practically zero cost. So we offered them a deal they couldn't refuse. They will acknowledge your rightful sovereignty over these lands, including their own, in exchange for a promise of autonomy. And then, we will open an exclusive trade deal. In exchange for free shipments of food, we will gain exclusive rights to purchase their products.”

“Wait, we’re giving them free food and we still have to buy their weapons?!”

Londibni smirked.

“That will be their downfall, my lord.”

“Explain yourself.”

“Buying the weapons at a premium matters not to us, only our elites shall require them in any case. What’s important is that we have removed said weapons from the hands of our enemies. And that we have conquered the means of basic resource production. Once the free food begins to arrive, they will very quickly become dependent on it, turning all their focus to their crafts and other more profitable arts. As our attacks will halt as well, they will grow comfortable...and greedy. Soon they will question why they maintain expensive defenses and airships at all. The soldiers and airmen will either turn to other crafts or else offer their services elsewhere, and given their location there is only one possible employer: us. So in time, the city will grow to rely on your protection and your provision, my lord, while the soldiers and airships that troubled you so will one day follow your command. Their hearts and their stomachs will belong solely to you, and they will never betray you, for it would mean the end of their society. And best of all, they will not even be aware of it. They will happily enslave themselves to you, trading the greatest fruits of their labor for paltry coin, and we will not even need to maintain troops there to keep it that way. They will be conquered, in every way that matters, your happy and humble servants.”

“...I-I see. So…we conquered them? They’re…mine now?”

“Yes my lord. It shall be done the moment you sign the contract to confirm the deal.”

The Dark Lord paused, and then signed the scroll.

“I see…well the method was quite unorthodox but I applaud your ingenuity, General Grenuc. You have done well. Go now, and await my next command.”

“I am honored, my lord. I live to serve.”

As Londibni left the room, the Dark Lord pondered to himself.

“Well, it seems strange on the surface, giving away free food, peace, and autonomy. But it is an insidious plot to conquer them over time and it stops the flow of Burnhaven weapons to the Free Peoples, so I guess that’s fine. That’s evil, right?”

Adoel grit her teeth as she prepared to report.

That cruel, evil hero…

Turned the undead hordes into peaceful farmers…

All to give away free food to the starving people of Burnhaven, such that even the poorest among them now had plenty to eat...

And put a stop to the Dark Lord’s attacks on Burnhaven, establishing peace and ensuring their de facto independence...

“No, I won’t be tricked! See, he said it himself! This is just an insidious way to conquer Burnhaven over time, and stop the flow of weapons to the Free Peoples! See it’s evil! It’s definitely evil!”

“BOOOOOBBBBB!”

Bob looked up from his meal. He started pouring Londibni a bowl of stew.

“What is it, Londibni?”

“Here, have something to eat. How did it go?”

“How did it go? HOW DID IT GO?!”

“Yes, that’s what I asked.”

Londibni let out a muffled scream before she sighed. She sat down and accepted the bowl.

“Actually, it went pretty well. But that’s the problem!”

“Why is that a problem?”

“Because now everyone thinks I’m somehow the most powerful Eight General! Do you know what kind of target is on my back now?!”

Bob shrugged.

“That’s why I commissioned you that bow and armor from Burnhaven, isn’t it?”

“That just boosts my stats! How on Eirorun am I supposed to keep up with this?”

“I can’t answer that unless you tell me what happened.”

She glared at him and then sighed.

“The Dark Lord has commanded me to spread the fear of his name all across the world! He’s personally watching now and expects some big achievement! So any screw ups, and I’m going to die! And how am I supposed to do something like that?! What does he even want?!”

Bob rubbed his chin.

“That’s easy, actually.”

“Easy?! THAT’S EASY?!”

Adoel made a dark smile as Londibni continued to shout.

“Ah, you definitely can’t pretend to be good this time, you evil hero! I’ll catch you red-handed in terrible deeds, and then justice will come for you!”

“General Grenuc, explain yourself.”

“As you commanded, my lord, I have spread the fear of your name across the entire world.”

“I do not see how. I’m deeply disappointed in you, General Grenuc. I asked you to spread fear, and instead you went and started a bunch of schools!”

“As you commanded, my lord.”

“Explain yourself.”

“As you command. You see, my lord, to spread the fear of your name, I first went and determined who does not fear your name. And I found, as expected, that the majority of people already fear you.”

“That’s to be expected.”

“So I determined the largest demographic that does not fear your name to be children, and so made them the target to fulfill your command.”

“That makes sense, but giving them free education does not.”

“We determined the problem though, is not that children do not fear the Dark Lord. It is that they were not aware of you in the first place.”

“What?”

“It seems the average peasant child is not aware of anything occurring outside their village. Even should they receive news of your fell deeds, they are simply not able to read it. Even if their parents are made aware, they tend not to tell their children of such things. So there is an entire section of the populace who will not fear you unless we go around assaulting every last village, which is a waste of your horde. So we simply gathered up the children (several hours a day for four days a week) and educated them ourselves, so that they may know to fear your name. In fact, as we have informed them that all their extra work is a direct result of your command, they have already begun to curse and fear your name. As a side benefit, they will become more productive members of your realm in the future, and find better ways to contribute to your dark rule. You are gaining both fear and profit from this, my lord.”

“That…it’s…um…I mean, I guess the number of curses and fear I’ve received is increasing so I guess that’s…right? And I guess we’re taking children from their homes en masse when they’re supposed to be helping in the fields…that does seem quite evil when I think about it actually. I suppose…you did as I asked? Um, ahem. I’m still not entirely certain of your methods, but it seems you have done well, General Grenuc. Go now, and await my next command.”

“As you wish, my lord. I live to serve you.”

The Dark Lord rubbed his chin as Londibni left the room.

“It’s…evil, right? I guess…if we instruct them in the ways of evil…and promote loyalty and fear…then it’s fine? I guess? Maybe if we call it kidnapping and brainwashing…then this is…evil, right?”

Meanwhile Adoel was clutching her head.

“It’s…it’s evil right? He’s…educating the children…for free…but! But! He’s kidnapping and brainwashing them to serve the Dark Lord! That’s right! So it’s evil! It’s definitely still evil!”

“BOOOOOBBBBBBB!!!”

Bob yawned as he got out of bed…

“General Grenuc, I specifically asked you to demoralize and split the Grand Alliance, not to stop our attacks and buy them free meals!”

“Not just free meals, my lord, specifically meals from all their respective homelands.”

“That doesn’t matter!”

“It makes all the difference. The meals remind them of home, so filling the foreign elements of the Grand Alliance with homesickness. And since the front has become quiet, even now some of the mercenaries and adventures are starting to leave. I’ve also hired the Burnhaven airships to start importing goods directly from their homes at a premium. This will run up costs and spending for the remainder, which will accelerate the effect as they start to run out of money. In addition, the gnomes will spread word of our dealings with Burnhaven. Once the members of the Grand Alliance discover reasonable diplomatic settlements are an option, they will no longer be willing to maintain expensive expeditionary forces.”

“That is…this is…”

“As long as we don’t give them a reason to stay, they’ll convince themselves things are fine and leave, all on their own. No one wants to hang around wasting money far from home if they don’t really have to..”

“Ugh, fine. Just, just go.”

“I live to serve, my lord.”

The Dark Lord clutched his head.

“It’s…evil? It’s definitely evil right? Things are going better than ever, but I can’t help but feel like something is wrong here…”

Adoel stomped on the ground, her cheeks puffed.

“No! I won’t be tricked! It’s evil! You’re definitely still evil!”

Bob yawned.

“You’re noisy. It’s not very nice to shout when people are trying to sleep.”

Adoel made a muffled scream.

And of course, just afterwards the door slammed open again.

“BOOOOOBBBBB!”