Why was I crying? Why was I doubting, hating myself so much? Why couldn't I control my feelings? Why did it feel like I was sinking deeper and deeper into an impossibly deep, dark, painful mire?

Surely I could fix this? Surely I could work harder like I always have, rebuild…

No. Everything is terrible. Everything hurts. I want to sleep. I want to die… no… I want to dream of paradise again.

Grogtilda’s body hurt from within, ached terribly and demanded that I give it relief. My arms trembled as I sobbed. Topaz! The thrice-damned Folding Seed sap! I wanted it, needed it badly. I had pushed it away, ignored it before… but now it had struck at me like a freight train, leaving me a ruined, broken person. I was drowning in pain, drowning in darkness. The addiction had overpowered, finally broke me.

I gnashed my teeth, crawled forward, reached into Saccy and grabbed onto Juni’s hand.

With a flash I was inside of my chimera-self. Grogtilda’s body was no longer ruling my emotions… no longer driving me insane with an insatiable desire to get Folding Seed sap.

My eyes filled with tears. I was no longer desperate and suffering, but I still hurt.

I looked down at my so-called-friends.

“You suck,” I declared. “I’m done.”

“What?” Agatha looked up.

“You heard me, you jerk,” I growled. “I was nice to you. I’m done. You’re on your own.”

I climbed out of Saccy and nearly tripped over Grogtilda. I moved my other body back to the bed. I was terrified of getting back inside of her. Terrified of the pain of the addiction that haunted her body, intensified to the point of overruling all of my thoughts.

I grabbed the ending-knife.

“I’m done with you too,” I said.

I pulled the knife out of its leather sheath and looked at it. “You don’t own me. I’m my own person.”

I left the knife beside the bed as I angrily stomped into the bathroom and angrily washed my face.

Voltara met me outside of the bathroom.

“What’s wrong?” She asked. “You were yelling something? I just woke up.”

“Agatha’s being a jerk,” I said. “She thinks I'm evil. I’m done trying to convince her.”

“What do you mean you’re done?” Voltara blinked.

“You can do whatever,” I said. “I’m leaving.”

“Leaving?” The maid blinked.

“Leaving into the Dungeon,” I said. “Screw Illatius and screw trying to fix things. I can’t fix everything. I’m not a freaking god. I’m not the hero this city needs.”

“Can I come… with?” Voltara asked.

“Sure,” I grumbled.

I walked out of the pilot’s room, went down the stairwell and towards the nearest open coffee shop. I angrily ordered a coffee. My chest was still aching. It was an illusory pain, belonging to my other body.

Voltara had caught up to me. She was wearing Saccy. Dawn looked at me from her chest. I sent her a glare.

“Do you think that I’m evil?” I asked after a minute of silence. The iced cappuccino was making me feel marginally better, marginally more awake, marginally less twisted up inside.

"No," Voltara replied.

“I don’t think that you’re evil,” Dawn said. “Princess Agatha just doesn't know how to trust people. She’s likely been hurt too many times by her mother.”

“Where are the princesses?” I asked.

“In the tower,” Voltara said.

“Don’t give up on us, Juni,” Dawn said.

“I’m not giving up on you,” I said. “I’m just pissed at Agatha. Pissed at Infinity.”

“So you think that the Undertown goddess of Oblivion is real?” Dawn mulled.

“As real as the Good Directorate,” I said.

I stared up at the sky, trying to see Inaria up there. I determined that it was indeed looming there, the gargantuan rings visible ever so slightly through the atmosphere of Andross. I thrust my hand up and flipped off the infinite planet. “Screw you and screw your stupid bullshit!”

“What’s the Good Directorate?” Voltara asked.

“No idea,” I shrugged. “Just a word written on one of the Inarian buildings or whatever.”

“Should you be saying the words of the dead gods out loud?” The painting asked.

“They weren’t gods! It’s just a stupid name,” I growled. “The Good Directorate! THE GOOD DIRECTORATE! THE GOOD DIRECTORATE!”

I screamed the name at the top of my lungs. It felt good, liberating. I looked around with a sad smirk. The world didn’t shatter. A gateway didn’t open up releasing a million monsters.

They weren't gods. They were just like us... people who wanted to light up, chase away the night and screwed something up horribly, just like in Chernobyl... but with far more catastrophic consequences.

“W-what?” Voltara blinked at me. “Why are you yelling strange words?”

“I’m tired,” I said, sitting down on a bench and rubbing my face. “Tired and afraid. I don’t know if I can get back into Grogtilda’s body again. The Topaz craving is getting worse.”

“Can’t you cut anything?” Dawn asked.

“No, I freaking can’t,” I hissed out. “I can only cut what I can define really well. Also, I’m done cutting things. When you have a knife that can cut anything, every problem seems like a piece of cardboard!”

I angrily sipped my coffee.

The sun slowly rose over the mountains, laying a pink shawl over the town of Lomb that grew brighter with every minute. The world looked quiet, at peace. I stared at the jagged, sharp mountains of Acadia. They looked like the pointy teeth of a gargantuan, sleeping monster.

I heard footsteps and turned around.

Emerald was dragging her sister towards me by the hand.

“Yes?” I asked.

Emerald elbowed Agatha.

“I don’t know if I can trust you,” Agatha exhaled.

I let out a deep growl.

Slap her. Slap her right now. My chimera urges demanded. Sharp, crystalline claws came out of my fingers.

Attack, smack some sense into her. Dominate her. Destroy her. If she's not respecting the leader of the pack then she should be cast into the Chasm.

“But,” Agatha suddenly said. “I’m going to try.”

“That was a terrible apology, Aggie.” Emerald sighed.

She shoved her sister out of the way and stepped towards me. “I trust you. I don’t care if you’re a bazillion years old or a dead god or whatever sis imagines you are. You’re fun to be around, that’s all that matters. Can we not fight?”

“Thanks,” I patted the seat next to me.

Emerald sat next to me on the bench and immediately nuzzled into my side. I felt marginally better.

I raised an eyebrow at Agatha. She didn’t say anything else and just stood there.

“I want to slap you,” I said.

“Then do it,” she said.

“Then maybe I will,” I stood up. “Who do you think you are?”

“I’m a Nemendias Knight,” she said, flinching as I raised my hand.

“You’re my Knight, idiot,” I growled, pointing at her chest. “When I say jump you should say - where to? I’m a chimera cendai and outrank your stupid ass. You’ve been serving your mother for how long? Do you think that I’m going to tolerate these idiotic accusations? Do you?”

“No, my high-cendai,” Agatha said, her voice firm.

“I was nice to you,” I said. “I bought you dresses.”

“I understand,” Agatha nodded.

“I don’t think you do,” I growled. “I don’t need your idiot ass. I can sell Dawn to everyone without your help. You’re dismissed. Go to your mother and tell her that I’m not going to Nemendias.”

“You’re not?” Agatha gulped.

“Nope,” I sipped my coffee. “Going to be a very rich adventurer instead. I don’t need a human body. I don’t need this shit. Goodbye Agatha. Have fun being alone.”

Agatha’s face paled. This was worse than giving her a slap. Disappointing her mother was akin to a death sentence. Probably.

She definitely didn't enjoy my statement. Agatha gulped and took a small step back, turning paler with every passing second.

“Aggie, just apologize to her damn it!” Emerald barked.

“I… I’m sorry,” Agatha whispered, after a minute of fumbling with the fabric of her new dress. “I just… I saw something impossible and I got scared. Scared that everything I know is wrong.”

“Big freaking deal,” I shrugged. “I lost everyone. Everything. I can never go back to Earth. I can never, ever hear my best friend’s voice... I had absolutely everything and I lost it all like an idiot because I wanted to see the most dangerous place on Earth...”

I choked. My chest pain returned. I started to sniff. Voltara hugged me. I drowned in her embrace, sobbing louder. I had ignored it for years, pushed it away, never properly dealt with my loss.

Through my tears I saw that a black, blurry blob was approaching me. It reached my feet and bumped into me with a mewling noise. It was my tiny pal from town.

I grabbed the little ball of darkness and picked it up, bringing it to my knees. The kitten curled up on me. I couldn't stop my tears. I wanted to go back, wanted to hear Pavel’s voice one last time… wanted to say goodbye.

The kitten looked up at me. I looked into its purple eyes and then something in me snapped, broke with a twinkle.

I saw nothing but static. My arm retreated from the dark fissure into the crystalline… something.

I stepped back. My body felt weird, wrong, heavy. My joints creaked, as if they were made from metal. A very thick, heavy, cumbersome shawl sat on me.

I gasped, inhaled air through my thick mask. Blinked at the innards of the Elephant’s Foot through my fogged up lenses.

“What the f-freaking hell?” I muttered, my voice muffled by the plastic mask. “W-what?”

I stumbled, retreated backwards, away from the extremely radioactive artifact, away from the terrifying room covered in dancing sparks, rushing back, following my own footsteps in the dust. The Geiger counter on my wrist screeched but with every step its buzz became less and less irritating.

A dream? A second-long daydream that lasted a lifetime? How could this be? Was none of it real? Was Andross just… a figment of my imagination?

I was back to the crack in the wall. I pulled off my irradiated shawl and other large parts of my suit, dumping everything into a dusty corner. Here it would remain forevermore, a testament to my glorious, if somewhat idiotic achievement.

I crawled into the crack in the concrete foundation, inhaling deep to pass through the tight part.

Pavel was waiting for me on the other end. He offered me his hand and pulled me out.

“Thanks,” I shook concrete dust off myself.

“Welcome,” he replied. “Did you do it? Did you get to the Foot?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I… did. I totally did it. I have the video.”

“Awesome,” he said.

The two of us walked across the empty hallways, leaving Chernobyl behind.

. . .

The day was waning. I sat inside of his car, eating a chicken sandwich wrapped in tinfoil. I felt very strange. I couldn't explain the four years of memories swimming in my head.

“System?” I whispered.

“Did you say something?” Pavel turned to me.

“No, nothing,” I shook my head. “I… I just had a very odd, ridiculously long dream when I touched the Foot.”

“How long of a dream?” He asked.

“Four years,” I whispered.

“Do tell,” Pavel said.

I slowly recounted the four years of my life on Andross as Pavel listened. I spoke on and on and on and Pavel didn’t say a word until I was done pouring out my heart. When I finally fell silent he smirked.

“Very interesting,” he said. “A bit weird, but interesting. It could make a nice book.”

“A book?” I blinked.

“Maybe a movie?” He handed me his camera.

“You were recording?” I yelped.

“I was,” he smirked. “This is part of your journey. Show it to the world.”

“Thanks,” I took the camera from him and looked into it. “Hey everyone. Was that weird? I think it was. Leave some comments below the video to let me know your thoughts. Yulia Ishenko signing off. Peace.”

I turned off the camera. We got out of the car. The sun was setting over the Ukrainian countryside.

“Want to sit by the campfire?” I asked.

“Sure,” Pavel nodded, pulling out his guitar.

When I lit the fire he sat next to me and started to sing “U Lisi.” I joined in and the chorus of our voices trailed off into the sky.

“You wanted to say goodbye to me, yes?” He winked.

I nodded.

“Goodbye,” Pavel laughed.

I glared at him.

“Seriously though, thanks,” he said. “This was really fun, especially the time-travel bit. I can’t wait to watch the video.”

“Soon,” I made a face at him.

I laid back on the grass and stared up at the stars overhead. They weren’t the stars of Andross. They were the stars of my Earth.

“What are you thinking about?” Pavel asked, lying down next to me.

“I’m really back,” I whispered. “I wonder if we’ll live long enough to see the singularity. I wonder if we will witness the foundation of the infinite city. I wonder if we will read about the Good Directorate corporation sometime in our future.”

“If we do, should we fire-bomb their office before they screw up the Earth?” Pavel laughed. “You know, like in Terminator two?”

“Maybe,” I shrugged.

“Or would that mess up the future timeline and erase Andross out of existence?” He added.

“I don’t freaking know how it works, okay?” I turned to him. “I’m a sociologist and not a time traveler!”

“Technically, you are a time-traveler,” Pavel pointed out. “You went forward and then you got back. What was that detective... um... Lambert. Didn't he tell you that that there are infinite timelines, infinite paths? Changing things here won't erase the future."

He sat up and drew a line in the sand with a stick and kept on drawing. The line connected with itself after it made a double circle. It was an infinity symbol.

“See? It’s like an ouroboros, a snake eating its own tail,” he said. “That’s infinity. That’s your thing now. Leaping into the world of tomorrow and saving people there. Like in Quantum leap. That was a cool show. Except you’re a sociologist and you have a magical dress bestie, not a holographic pal named Al.”

He laughed heartily at his own joke. I frowned.

"Honestly, I think that you are approaching the problem from the wrong angle," Pavel said.

"Huh?" I blinked.

"You want to cut Topaz addiction out of yourself, right?"

"Yeah," I nodded.

"You're a dummy," Pavel commented. "Using the end-knife on yourself seems like a highly dangerous proposition, a path from which there won't be a way back. Once you divide a part of yourself by zero, erase it completely, you won't be able to stop until there is nothing left of you. Remember the Amigara Fault manga? That's what you're going to end up if you get into the habit of carving pieces out of yourself. Durr Durrr Drr."

Pavel smooshed his cheeks and opened his mouth wide, making silly noises and pretending to be a thin, lopsided abomination.

"What other options do I have?" I mulled, staring at the crackling campfire. The logs shimmered from within with ember flashes, hundreds of orange sparks flaking off and floating into the star-filled sky.

"You can define Folding Seed and it's sap better. It's a physical thing. Cut the addiction out of Saccy's glands instead. Or better yet - distill the sap. Sell shine at a premium as a painkiller without the addictive element. Undercut the gangs, make a profit, fix up Undertown. Hire your artificer friend to make very basic magic-seeing lenses, make your cousins collect the most magical trash for some coppers, destroy it with Endy and get the experience more effectively. Wait, I got it! Start a cleaning or an artifact-disposal company with your friends... no... a demolition firm! Stab buildings with the knife!" Pavel threw various clever ideas at me, waving his hands excitedly. "See? I'm full of amazing plots for your book. You're welcome!"

I glared at him.

“Do you miss your future friends already?” He laughed. “Had enough of me?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I… do miss them. They’re all idiots worse than you, but I… am really going to miss them all.”

Pavel reached out and grabbed my hand. I squeezed his hand and he squeezed me back. Everything was alright. I was alive. I was back. That’s all that mattered.

I looked back at the sky and saw a shooting star flicker across the void. The milky way spun overhead in its infinite majesty. I wasn’t afraid of infinity anymore, because I was beginning to understand it… understand her.

“If you’re still out there somewhere,” I whispered. “Good luck, Juni. Kick all of their asses into gear. Especially your own.”

Something inside me shattered with a twinkle.