12:25 pm

same fucking day

everything went to shit again. probably all my fault too. why doesn't anyone every pin the blame on me? i dont even know where to begin with dealing with this shit anymore. this is pathetic. im so angry and sad and disappointed and upset and everything guilt, shame, fuck i dont even know what words anymore. im just so upset. i wish i could be better. why can't i just pretend to be normal for like 2 hours. why couldn't i just shut my mouth for fucks sake. i really should have just went with my gut and not tagged along. this is a miserable way of leading a life. maybe ate and i should have just slept in the car. i keep overestimating the actual amount of shit i can keep up with or put up with for that matter.

i really with assisted suicide was legal. i would sign my life away in a heartbeat and i fucking mean it. oh my god just imagine disappearing. if my afterlife is worse than this and so fucking be it. i got what i deserved and maybe this is just ambition but i think i would accept that fate. shit like this is why i indulge so much in post-apocalyptic media.

i dont even know what im getting at here. i am not sane right now. i literally havent stopped crying for more than 20 minutes at this point. like really no wonder all my cousins left. like i understood before but holy shit i feel like them right now. their austria parents do not fucking help. im trying to think of things that i can aim towards to keep myself alive for even a moment and all i can think about is reaching my stupid goal size which really isn't too far away.

i don't even want to learn tagalog anymore. actually understanding these conversations and not being able to put in my two cents is so pathetic. i just want to die. at least my reflection is pretty when im sobbing. i really just want to die bro. this is so pathetic. mom doesn't even care about feelings. for a little bitch that reacts the way that she does, she should really acknowledge the way she makes other people feel with her actions. that fucker would rather pray to god for perfection without working on her own shit. i hate it here. dogshit lifestyle. i dont deserve to have any nice relatives. why are they kind to me? if they knew the whole story they could piece together that everything started with me if they just backed away for a second. holy shit i hate this family sometimes, this is crazy. im stuck here for another damned day and night and another day.

sometimes i wish i was mute. or deaf. or blind or just some otherwise impaired. maybe i would like the attention but also it would feel so validating to be able to physically see my ailments. its like my manifestations actually work sometimes. or well, not quite manifestations, but thoughts? its like my irrational thoughts aren't so irrational and become a reality. those fucking bugs, the arguing with ate and mom, lola being sad. i wish that irritation bump i had on my boob that one day was real. i wish this phenomenon worked with my slight hypochondriac nature. why couldn't i be the one to get cancer. the true hell is the fact that i just know i;m not going to die anytime soon. im so sad.

GOD I JUST WANT TO STAY CALM AND STOP CRYING FOR LIKE AND HOUR OR SOMETHING> PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS PATHETIC! I DO NOT LIKE MYSELF RIGHT NOW. THIS IS SO EMBARASSING. why is it like we air all our dirty little secrets to this family. literally inescapable.

i need to stop typing for a while now.