thursday

1:23 am

at lola's typing at the table in anger and dismay rn

I actually started writing this a while ago, but I was making it a reddit post in r/Anger, but just now decided not to. The target audience is obviously different, but I'm going to copy and paste here for convenience.

I developed a severe bug bite skin allergy after visiting some relatives a little over 2 years. Ever since then, all the bug bites I've gotten have grown into these awful, painful rashes that make it hard to stand and eventually bruise my skin for weeks on end. The first couple of months really fucked with my brain, because I was waking up with a new, unidentified bug bite for weeks. I was convinced I had bed bugs even though I couldn't find any and it just made me even more paranoid about sleeping, on top of my pre-existing sleep anxiety from an unrelated matter. I went feral with self-diagnosing and cleaning everything, from endless laundry to literally shampooing my entire room of carpet, only to wake up with swelling and leaking bug bites all over my body. Thankfully, the frequency of bug bites went down, but the reactions to all bites are still there.

This entire time I thought the origin of my bites were from an outdoor party, but I just recently put together that spending the night at grandma's could be the source. The last time we visited was in August and I just figured my bites were just from midsummer mosquitoes. Today, although hesitant because of my growing theory, I accompanied my mom and older sister to go visit my grandma's prepped with a baggie of allergy pills and bug spray.

[ok here is where i decided to switch sites]

My sleep schedule has been fucked as of late and I haven't cared to fix it because it makes for a really good excuse, and I like not having to see people or eat. Anyway, mom wanted to visit Lola til Friday, and I went even though I didn't want to because I didn't want to cause a fuss with mom's hand surgery or whatever. I don't know, I tried a little to talk out of it by mentioning how I was thinking I got my bug bites from Lola's house, but I still went despite my crap ass mood. Yesterday, my friends actually planned to sleep over at Mar's house, but I knew I didn't want to tag along like they usually do with me, so I payed Nin's brother and told them I wasn't feeling very social, which was true. I considered telling them that I couldn't sleep over because my mom wanted to leave for LB the next day, but I was sort of hopeful I could get out of it so I didn't want to jinx it. Sadly, I did not get out of it. In hindsight I really wish I degen'ed harder and stayed home. I even said something like how I think I would go crazy being stuck with her and ate for 3 days, maybe I accidently manifested it but I was right by the way. I don't think I like drinking, or well I suppose it's better to say I don't like who I am when I'm drunk, or maybe it's who I am when I'm drunk around people. Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, when we got to Lola's I took a nap and when I woke up, Ate was irritated and her head was hurting from the heat, Mom was her usual passive aggressive irritated with Ate living, breathing and existing, and I was growing bothered that those little freaks can banter for the rest of their damned lives, but I remained calm. they did some arguing because it was 9pm and lola wanted to sleep and was complaining about the light being on, while ate was irritated because it was early and it wasn't like they were actually going to sleep, so she didn't want it to be dark. There was some back and forth and thank the fucking lord that the banter stopped when ate said "So do you want me to just sit in the dark?" and mom said yes. I got ready for bed and when I got out of the bathroom I realized my sister went into the empty bedroom, separate from where we we're actually going to sleep in front of Lola (the aforementioned dark room), and so I followed her there for company. Of course she just wanted to go to talk to her new boytoy obsession. That's a different rant, but anyway I was just laid on the bed and charged my phone. I was there for a good 10 minutes minimum. Mom called asking where we were and we answered and mom said to be careful because there were bugs. She called ate angels phone and I later realized she texted me. Now this is the part where I get fucking irritated. I was already irritated because ate angel has zero fucking patience for mom and I heard mom on the speaker telling us there were bugs.

It was late enough for my phone to go into sleep mode, and I didn't see any messages. I know that is where the fault falls on me for a bit, but Mom didn't say there were just bugs in the room. There were BED BUGS. I jumped up after I saw that message and literally saw and adult bed bug walking across the stained beddings. Yes, the bugs that I was paranoid about having and as a result incessantly thought about bug bites for MONTHS. I just thought they had some dirty sheets, I should have been more careful and paranoid. I immediately ran to tell her to get me a bag for clothes and washed my body and hair out of paranoia. Afterwards, I was heated. As I beelined for the shower, I know I was rude, called my sister a dumbass and was just generally mad and irritated with my mom for not emphasizing the BED part of the bugs.

oh wow i just needed to take a break because in the middle of my typing, ate asked mom from across the room, where i was and this cunt says "There at the table, still not listening". Of course she is still not taking any fault. Its like it will always be point fingers and victim blame and victim blame in this family. Of course I'm no exception but holy shit no wonder your family is in shambles and you've been held hostage in a loveless marriage for my entire lifetime. Like wow, no wonder your kids don't trust you. I genuinely think that she deserves the shit stain that is her life. AND OH MY FUCKING GOD, her first response to my texts was to really walk up to me and tell me that I need help and am not normal and that there is something wrong. LIKE OH MY FUCKING GOD I KEEP ENDING UP ON THE VERGE OF TEARS/SOBBING BECUASE THIS IDIOT JUST WANTS TO COMPLETELY DISREGARD THAT ALL I WANT IS AN APOLOGY. jFUCK HER LIKE ACTUALLY FUCK HER I WANT TO SAY I HATE YOU BUT I KNOW I SHOULDN"T> J:L KAErnn AHHGHHHIHIUOIHHOIOHIHOSFDIAFOEHUHFDHPOHDSOJDLCO:QFIYNPEBHSCAVLYHFCDJSLHHKLENKLILKCNLEUACSNYKJKAKKHLKNHLBKHULHKJLBKJLBKJLKJLCVYNERLFCJYPORVCVLBVNHKLEAFCNHLVBVOCFHDS.

i am so upset. I don't even know where I was in the recap refresher thing. I've been sitting at this table for hours.

mom just told me to sleep again and i lashed out. i said exactly what was on my mind and i currently don't regret it. specifically i said "that is why your family hates you, thats why you've been in a loveless marriage for the past 20 fucking years". i do not care. i know this was in front of lola and her brothers heard, but i do not care. i said "what are you going to do about it" and i think i mean it. she will never and i mean NEVER change. i don't want to give her more chances. I am so hurt and all I wanted was an apology. I actally so fucking shaken and tearing up but I said that I am going to wake up normal so for once I am going to try and stick by that. I really need to start planning my death soon, because the level of shit that i can take i lessening by the second. I have life. I hate living, I hate the life Iw as born into, i hate the life that I live. I spend every waking moment dreaming about my death. I want to die every day. I wake up in the morning depressed that I am actually real. fuck this fake body nonsense, fuck this fucked up earth. this world and the people that live in it are living hell. god is not real. if he is i must have done some evem more fucked up things in the past because this quite literally is hell on earth. I don't know how anyone has the mental fortitude to fucking live like this like wow holy shit the shit ive had to live through and experience truly isnt even that bad in comparison to the other of billions of peple on this planet but how do you people take this? like i physically, mentally, fucking spiritually, cannot wrap my brain around it and i have been be able to for like a decade at his point. i don;t know how you fuckers just "live your life" b ecuase this is now living, hell this isnt even surviving, i can hanging by a thred, no. i wish i was haning by a thread, because at least you can see and forseeable end from falling or just starvation or something stupid like that .i am still shaking. i feel like im out fo words, but i can talk for hours that the same time. i need to wipe the salty tears off my face,off my hands, my trackpad and blow my nose, but i also really just want to keep typing. i dont even know if im mad anymore. my heartrate went down a bit and i can breathe normally a bit now. actually no i take it all back i am still angry. you know earlier i was sitting here just minding my business trying to distract myself with some typing tests or something, watching some videos of gameplay for some background noise and she walks up to me and just starts talking. like she always doesn't saying the same bullshit about how i need help and we need to get help because you are not normal, and then criticizing me on how im not doing anything productive. which is all true but at the same time so damn insenseitive. like i think i have ptsd or something becuase the reaction i had wad outlandish to say the least, but god i cannot relive those fucking bug bites. i was afraid of leaving my room in fear that these invisible bugs would jump around the house and spread. i didnt want to eat because that meant sitting down and bugs moving around the house, i feared washing my clothes because what if they jumped onto the carpet on the way there or if they didnt die in the wash im just furthering their resiliance and spread. maybe itwas because i was just repressing all this shit for the past two yeart os avoid bign a nuissance, but goddamn that was such a mental struggle and knowing how i get about being easily distracted and literally not being able to focus on one task or hobby at a time when im even the slightest bit distracted means that i actually get obessesive like it is so difficult to think about anything and i convince myself that i can and just fuck myself over and get depressed again for like the million cycle of suffering. I know that by continuing to type right now its not helping ate sleep and i feel very bad for it like when i said that loveless marriage shit she said that that was enough and too far and i completely get where she is coming from. her anger is all in her tone and not her words, i dont know how she does that. i respect her a lot for that. i wish i could hold myself up to that standard. I really wanted to apologize for calling her a bitch earlier when she was showering but i was just so fed up with being mad at mom. i know thats not an excuse and i should have just sucked it up and texted ate, and then my phone stopped charging and she switched the charger and i got mad when i was in the wrong for overreacting and mean whatever then i ended up here and i dont even know if im any calmer. wow really had the worst deescalation tactics. shes always so selfish in these situations. playing victim and shit. fuck your neck. literally how is your neck pain going to get me to go to bed like you want me to so badly. she is so dumb. like no wonder ate acts the way that she does sometimes, like no wonder you both have nonexistant common sense spontaneously. so so sososososososoosososososoososo incredibly stupid it is otherworldy.

I went the bathroom to wipe the sipon that was hanging off my face and rinse my face and i am telling you i am going insane, like i shouldn't be able to cry like this for hours at a time. maybe somethings up with my hormones and adrenaline or something because this is not ok. i mean i knew that. but i just want to breathe. i want to be comfortable and and idk i really fucking wish i knew what i wanted. that's also another constant struggle. sometimes when i think about dying, i htinka bout how my original plan to die after lola passed away, because i think she was one of the first people to make me realize that i was loved and that someone cared about me. i know its and awful slippery slope type of thought,but times like this i wish lola died or someone that cared about me actually died to clear my conscience enough to commit myself. a really really stupid dumb reasoning. truly. like honestly how did i even think of that thought in the first place thats so fucked up of me. i mean that. like just wow. wow how vile and messed up do i have to be to even think of that as an original thought. so fucked man. i hate that im still tearing up. why are my sinuses all clogged it has been a good chunk of time since i lashed out. i dont like that i have anger issues. i used to reason that i like being angry and going crazy like this because at least i felt real but right know i really wish i didn't feel real. my god i wish i wasn't real so badly. i want to dream that im going to wake up from this crazy simulation to sombe dystopic universe where my life is argueably good and fruitful, but i think its a good life and thats what matters, but when im reminded that im a real, sentient being, all those dreams fade away. goddammit now im tearing up again. this does not end huh. im surprised my fingers aren't getting tired. it is because im on my laptop? man this laptop too. dad got it so i would go so school and here i am disrespecting my family and ranting on a wattpad story at my grandmas house. ive been living a neet life. so embarassing. you would thinkt those strong feelings of shame could be a motivating factor, but no. im so ashamed that i cant even use my shame to get rid of it. im getting fat again. i have a belly. ate took this ugly unflatterin pic of me standing in the story and wow did i look bad.poor posture, the belly, mildy cameltoe, thust overall made me feel very ugly and disappointed that i let it go this far again. i cant remember if my peak weight was 155 or 145. i think it was maybe around 150 but i think 155 to cope or something. with all the gym ate goes to lately shes actually going to end up skinnier than me for the first time in my life. that should be humbling. but im not really feeling humbled. just embarassed. this sleugth* (dk if thats the right word) of emotions that im going through rn is really just emphasizing all the negativity that ive been passively feeling as of late i guess. ok maybe its time for my typing to slow down. im started to get exhausted skimming over and just writing whats going through my head. oop i think the depression is kicking in now. remember wake up and be a good daughter. good daughter. good person. good future. i am nice, i am a good person. i am capable of good. i am not an entirely bad person like i convince myself to be. i am real and that is ok. it is normal. normal isn't had. it is ok for things to be imbalanced. i am ok. its also ok if im not ok. i am good. i am a good person. good people apologize. good people don't hold grudges afnd move on. good people and move on despite not getting what they want. good people know how to cope. good people know i am sorry can be an end all be all term. good people love and share love. good people don't require love in order to be loved. i am part of good people. i can be part of good people. good people are comfortable with happiness. good people are ok with being happy sometimes. good people know that they are deserving of happiness. i can be good people. nothing is stopping me from being good people besides that parts of me that aren't good people. no one is entirely good people by default. people are worked and shapen to be good people. i am good people. i can be good people.

im sorry.

good people know to feel remorse. to feel sorry. and a real good person should know when to stop. i will practice being a good person. can i practice being a good person? i want to be a good person. I wish i could be a good person. being a good person is hard. i need to plug in my laptop. sigh.

i can be good people. i can be good. i am capable of good. i am deserving of good because everyone is deserving of good and i am part of everyone. i am part good.

part good. part what else? is that a thought worth exploring? is it worth thinking about exploring that thought? i wish i knew how to ask for help. i dislike that i don't know how to actually ask for help. a good person would know how to ask for help. a good person would also know to not lash out, or stay awake till dawn.

thats ok. i am part good. i dont need to to full good. i can aim to be full good, but it is ok and good to not be good all the time. balance. moderation. is good. its important to take balance and moderation in a balance and moderated way. variation is good. people come in many variations and thus can be good. people aren't all evil. the world just seems awful because the bad is highlighted in a world where good is the standard. bad new blows up because it is an anomaly. in a globalized world everything is small. what is big is small. what is viral at a small scale seems to take up enough of your life to be viral at a large scale in your world.

i dont know where im going with this. this self talk is a mess. im not fed up or irritated but i am growing a bit tired of just typing to myself right now. i wonder if i should just do typing tests in the mean time to calm down furthur, but maybe i should just let my laptop charge now and read webtoon.

im sad now though because right now i just thought "i want to die" again. not an angry emotional suicidal thought, but the overbearing passive one that makes you pause and do a mild "oh shit" in realization. these aren't uncontrollable tears that im crying right now, right now these are tears of exhaustion and existentialism. back to square one so it seems. is this stages of grief? what even are those again?