„I wish I turn the old times back and live them as I wish”

„Eva!” shouted Brian, breaking into his office. He stopped instead, right next to the door, for the one who was in front of the window, staring at the outside world, was Sophie and not Eva.

This made the poor man’s heart stop, understanding that all his hopes shattered like a castle made from playing cards, for he ran, all the way home from the stables after one of the servants told him that he has a visitor. And, at his question: „who?” the woman about 30, who was actually new in that house, simply told him: „an extremely elegant woman. And… she told me that she’s your wife.”

That’s why he entered the house in a hurry, to later break into the office, breathless, even if his first intention has been to enter his room and change his clothes, for he was completely sweated after the mad run he had on the horse’s back, crossing the fields of the Image. And that run had a special meaning: it was a desperate attempt to forget, feel better, release the chest from that inside volcano that melt him slowly, even if it was a big arson inside him. But he forgot about everything when he lost the battle with his feelings, strong emotions that came over him like an avalanche of stones fallen off a mountain slop, thinking that it was Eva who came, that she forgave him and that if she was back they’d be alright from that moment. But… it has been just an illusion.

„How’s life, Brian?” Sophie asked him in a half a voice. Yet, she looked at him with love, even if she had never thought that she was capable to feel it for the man who has been her husband for 7 long years. And she also watched him with longing, for in those few months while Brian lived with Eva in Image, Sophie has been alone most of the time, for Marianne had her own problems and seemed not to have time for her friend anymore. That’s why, seeing him again, Sophie revived all the past emotions and, for an instant only, she wanted to turn the time back, living their first night again, that night after their marriage when she closed the door in Brian’s nose, and fell prey to his volcanic love, instead of allowing him to look for happiness into someone else’s arms. And… only now did Sophie understand that a man like Brian won’t ever be satisfied only with waiting and that he was more than capable to find another one to offer him happiness as it happened with Eva, a child only, who pushed Sophie Anderson Bell off her throne.

But… this didn’t surprise Brian, who finally came back to his senses after deeply breathing in and out several times, seeing his ex-wife again. And he couldn’t deny the fact that he felt disappointment for seeing her and not Eva. But… it was time to act. That’s why Brian finally left the door and approached his desk, looking elsewhere and not at Sophie, who didn’t lose sight of him.

„I’m fine. Thank you for asking,” the man drily answered, staring like a dumb at the document left open on the desk. And he preferred not to look into Sophie’s eyes not because he felt sorrow for abandoning her for another one or because he felt shy, but because he tried to hide from her the disappointment of realizing that she was who came and not Eva. And… he wanted to hide this because he knew that Sophie was hurt and, if she had found out that he ran there to see the other one, she could have hurt Eva again.

„I’m glad that… you’re fine,” Sophie managed to mutter eventually, and her drawl amazed Brian, who finally looked at her and, instead of her fix, glacial glance, he saw a sad Sophie, somehow absent, while playing with her glove in her hands.

Yet, the man decided that if she came to see him after their divorce, even if they had both bad memories about the other, they should at least keep up appearances and respect their former pact - to say at least „hi” to each other, no matter the problems between them. That’s why he asked her eventually: „why are you here, Sophie? Something happens?”

The woman smiled… sadly, melancholically, and sweetly at the same time, hearing his voice, somehow strangled, as if he was shy talking to her. Then, looking again at him, she said: „it’s because I missed you,” and her words amazed Brian a lot, who she never told such words before.

„What?” Brian stuttered, confused.

„I missed you,” repeated Sophie and took a step toward him.

Brian instead, as if moved by a strange inner impulse, raised his right hand, stopping her. And… even if his weird movement, somehow unwilling, could be considered offensive, Sophie felt no pain in her soul. On the contrary… she felt an extreme peace, something she never felt before. That’s why she decided to wait, to give him time to recover the normal stream of his thoughts, and to later talk to him about her plans, for she didn’t come there only to see him.

Brian’s answer instead has been an unexpected and weird one at the same time, something reminding her of a scold: „don’t you think that’s too late, Sophie?” he said sharply, staring at her.

Sophie instead didn’t get her tail down and kindly looked at him: „for what?” she eventually asked.

„For longing,” the man outlined the words. „For such words, that are meaningless now, Sophie.”

„Why? Why meaningless, Brian?” Sophie flamed and suddenly approached him, so close to his face that their lips almost touch each other while her hands rested on his shoulders. „There’s never too late for love.”

„But it’s too late for us,” he said and tried to push her away from him, without being rude, for even if he never loved her, he at least liked her, right from the first moment he saw her, for Sophie was really beautiful. But he lost his hope with her on their wedding night when she pushed him out of her room and told him to never enter there.

„Allow me not to agree,” murmured Sophie, closing her eyes for a few instants. „Because… I don’t know why, but I feel that I must do this, that’s not too late, and that we can be happy together,” and, so suddenly that it surprised Brian a lot, Sophie kissed him… for long, sweetly and bitterly at the same time.

Brian instead stood like a statue, even though the woman thought that he’ll push her away from him. And his hesitation gave her hope that’s not too late and that they can turn back time.

A barely heard knock on the door made Brian wince. But the man didn’t manage to push Sophie away from him when the door suddenly opened and Stan entered, saying: „mister Brian, I…” The boy stopped instead, seeing Brian kissing another woman and not Eva, someone Brian longed for so long.

Yet, Stan didn’t get his tail down, understanding that he has been rude entering the room without being invited. So, he uttered to mumble a „forgive my daring. I didn’t know.” Then, he rotated on his heels and left the office, even though Brian shouted after him to stay.

Only when the door closed behind the boy, Brian pushed Sophie away from him and sat at his desk, sharply saying to her: „let’s not childishly act, Sophie. Not now when I forgot about my desire to live something like this with you.”

Sophie instead, feeling a strong bitterness in her soul, looked elsewhere and sadly smiled. Then, summoning up courage, she looked again at Brian, insistently staring at him, even if he preferred to ignore her, pretending to read that document left on the desk. But… even if Sophie’s first impulse has been to approach him and passionately kiss him once again, trying to set again fire to the desire they felt once for each other, yet, she stood in the same place, for… her honor and pride were beyond her desire to turn back time. That’s why she didn’t move - to at least keep her head up, even if she understood that Brian rejected her and that she had to go away. But… she couldn’t, for… he was her caprice, something she didn’t give up on yet, something she still wanted only for her.

Then, so suddenly that she made Brian wince, as he did the first time when she told him that she can accept his child in their house without a mother, Sophie told him confidently: „let’s remarry, Brian. Let’s give your daughter that family she seems to need, for… I know that her mother gave up on her. Thus… I have the right to ask you to be mine again.”

Brian stared thunderstruck at her: it was too much even for Sophie to fall so down, for, you see - one is to accept your husband’s child while you’re still married to him, but another thing is to come into his house, after your divorce, begging another chance from him, one that you trampled under feet a long time ago.

„And… before finding out from others and accuse me of acting behind your back, I’ll be the one to inform you that I saw today the one you love,” and Sophie raised her head more, trying to show that that meeting with Eva didn’t knock her down, even if it was so. Proud instead, Sophie Anderson Bell couldn’t ever accept a defeat. At least not one in front of the man she got to think she loved, even if she wasn’t sure what love really means.

Brian said nothing instead: even if Sophie had expected a violent reaction from him, knowing him more than capable to lose his head for the other one when he never lost his head for her. Or at least this is what Sophie thought: that Brian never defended her, even if he has always been by her side while being her husband. Selfish instead, Sophie never noticed it, as she never noticed what others did for her.

And she was also selfish at that moment, leaving behind her others’desires and dreams, even „trampling under feet” their honor, for… she actually didn’t care about this: she wanted to be again „the only woman in Brian Beneath’s life,” and if having him again meant to bow a little her head to raise it even more later she was more than capable of doing this, understanding that it was the only power she still had in her hands.

But she has been so wrong, for, minutes after this, minutes that they spend in total silence - he thinking about his problems and she waiting, Brian stood up and approached the door. Then, he opened it, and while still being with his hand on the doorknob, he told her - clearly and shortly, even with a severe tone: „never turn back to this house again, Sophie. You aren’t welcome here, as you aren’t welcome anymore in my life.”

„Why?” has been the woman’s stupid question, for she really couldn’t understand how he could refuse her, so suddenly, without even thinking about her proposal. „Really don’t you see far your pain?” she tried to hurt him. „Will you allow your daughter grow up without a mother? Only because you don’t want me by your side?” and Sophie suddenly became so furious, as if she’d been attacked from all around and she decided that she must defend herself. „I’m your only chance to happiness, Brian Beneath,” she yelled. „The only woman who can accept your child in her house and put the whole world to your feet. The one who can give you the power to…”

„I don’t need power, Sophie. Didn't you ever understand what I really wanted?” And he really felt disappointed understanding once again that the woman who was in front of him, who has been his wife for 7 years, has never known him.

„Then? What do you need? A woman who abandoned you?” Sophie attacked him, this time throwing venom through words. „I saw her today, Brian. I talked to her, as I told you, and… that woman won’t ever turn back to you.”

And Sophie’s words hurt his heart, but not because she attacked him, but because he also thought about this - that Eva won’t ever turn back to him and that they won’t be ever a family. But… yet: „I don’t care,” he told her. „I intend to live with the future and not with the past, Sophie. That’s why I suggest you do the same. And… forget me, for… I won’t ever turn back to your arms. There where actually I’d never been. Goodbye!” and he left, slamming the door, leaving an unconsoled Sophie in that almost empty room, which they didn’t refurnish after Charlotte Wilson’s auction.

Then Sophie started to cry… with streams of tears flowing down her cheeks while shuddering with all her body as she used to cry when she felt offended. And… for the first time in her life, she understood that she has lost… forever and without the chance to turn back time. Thus, her cry lasted for long while she was staying with her head bowed, squeezing one of the gloves in her hand while the other glove was lying on the floor like her honor which she considered trampled under her feet, as she felt her ego hurt and abandoned, forced to say „goodbye” to her caprice, the man she pushed alone away from her.

***

„Boy, wait a minute!” Sophie told Stan when she saw him in the yard while she was heading toward her carriage.

Stan stopped right away, and not because he wanted, but because he felt forced to do that, for… seeing her by Brian’s side, kissing her, he considered that she took Eva’s place and thus she could be his master after that, without knowing who was Sophie in fact.

Thus, arriving in front of him and paying no attention to his grimaces, Sophie gave him a folded sheet of paper. Then, she told him, staring into his eyes: „give this letter to Mister Beneath. Right into his hand.”

„And… why didn’t you give him this?” the boy slammed the words, staring at her.

Sophie smiled instead, even if she considered rude his speech: „because I knew that you’ll do this better than me,” she returned him the „favor.” Then, she grabbed his hand and put the paper in his palm. After that, saying nothing else, not even a „goodbye,” she headed toward her carriage, climbed it helped by her teamster, and, after he closed the door and climbed on the driving box, they hit the road in a hurry.

While leaving, Sophie turned yet her head and looked back, staring at that empty house, whose windows seemed blind and at which nobody was seen. Only that weird boy was still in the yard, and, seeing him still in the middle of the yard and staring thunderstruck behind her carriage, was something that made Sophie smile.

But something bothered her. It was a strange feeling pressing on her chest, something that she felt so suddenly after Brian had left that office as if she saw him for the last time.

„What’s this?” murmured Sophie. „Why do I feel like that? I know… that I lost today, again. Yet… it’s not the first time I lose something. Yet, I’ve never felt this strange feeling of fear. Why now? Why?”

Yet, there wasn’t anybody there to answer her… she was alone with her fate in that carriage that was rushing on that country road, hurrying toward her world, a high society world which she knew so well, but which she was so afraid of and wanted to leave it behind her, with all its madness.

***

„They’ve told me to give you this!” mumbled Stan, approaching Brian, who was reading in front of the stove. But… woe betide that reading, for his thoughts weren’t normally flowing in his head and he often caught himself reading the same line for more than only once.

„Who?” asked Brian randomly, staring at the sheet of paper that he read so many times, but which he had no idea what was written on it. Yet, he finally looked at the boy.

„The lady… who I’ve seen with you in your office,” mumbled Stan and gave Brian the folded paper, which the man took without too much enthusiasm, knowing that it was from Sophie. Then Stan turned his back on Brian, intending to go. Yet, he stopped, hearing Brian saying:

„Don’t you have anything to say?”

„About?” asked Stan drily.

Brian smiled instead, understanding that strange upset of the boy… a kind of loyalty for Eva, even if he was also loyal to him. And it was something comprehensible, for… Eva was Beth’s best friend, that young servant that loved Eva so much and who went to look for her on winter's eve. So, as Brian knew that Stan liked Beth, it was obvious to also care about Eva, and… it was also comprehensible to hate any other woman seen by his master’s side while Eva was still there, somewhere around them. „About what you saw,” said Brian eventually.

„There’s nothing related to me,” mumbled Stan. After that he left, for he finally understood that he really came it strong with his upset and it was better for him to run slick away, without explaining why actually he felt so upset. And… wasn’t he to tell Brian that he felt jealousy seeing him in another woman’s arms?! And his jealousy hadn’t also anything to do with Brian’s behavior, but with the fact that if Brian had chosen another woman by his side, then Stan would have been forced to choose between him and Beth, and… choosing between those two was really difficult.

Only when Stan closed the door behind him, did Brian unfold the paper, which he read only after deeply breathing it, to summon up some courage. He winced instead, reading those words written by Sophie: „my offer is still available, Brian. I hope you’ll accept it once, for… the one you love so much is involved in damn strange situations, with dangerous people surrounding her, like those who killed my father - Lorenne Fabeau, helped by Emily Davis, and this is something Eva knew. Actually, the one who told me where to find Eva has been Christine, and… Brian, I saw so much hatred into that woman’s eyes, something that I think will tragically end eventually.”

***

It was already dark when Sophie got home, even if she left Image at noon. And even if the journey from Image to London didn’t last longer than 3-4 hours at the normal gallop of the horse, yet, she got to London when it was already dusk. But because of that weird feeling which sneaked into her soul while being in Image, she wanted not to spend the night alone. That’s why she first went to see Marianne, thinking that she’ll spend the night there. Marianne instead sent her servant to tell Sophie that she had a strong headache and that she preferred to sleep. After that, Sophie went to see her mother, but she wasn’t also home, for, after Edward’s death, Mrs. Anderson Bell preferred to spend her days visiting churches and abbeys, thinking that someone cursed them, for her husband had been cruelly and so suddenly killed while her daughter „has been chased” out of her husband’s home as if she was someone unworthy.

Thus, Sophie could only go home, even if she could have gone to the theater that night. But… she wasn’t in the mood to see a play and she decided that it’ll be better to read in front of the chimney while feeling the powerful hit of the flames or maybe to fall prey to dreaming or sink into those thoughts that were spinning into her mind.

That’s why, because she knew that she won’t go anywhere else that night, she allowed her teamster to go for a rest and he right away withdrew.

But… Sophie didn’t enter her house right away. She did this only after she saw the carriage heading toward the stables. Then, she turned her back on that place and slowly opened the door. But, right next to the door, she closed it with her back, and stood next to it for long, feeling so much pain in her chest, like a painful hunch, something that she hated to feel after she had understood that that house was so empty and cold. And… Sophie also hated that she denied her mother’s idea of moving to her house after the divorce, even if the woman told her that she hadn’t why to live in Beneath’s house when she wasn’t his wife anymore. Yet, Sophie denied this because she still hoped that he’ll turn back one day when he’ll finally understand that Eva left him forever. But… she was wrong.

Carefully closing the door, she stuck her back to it and waited in silence next to that cold door, which, even if it was well closed, still allowed the wind, that started to blow coldly, to sneak inside, looking for play with the dancing flames, which were heard acting up in the stove.

Then, after she finally could summon up some courage, she headed toward the chimney, to let herself later „fall” on that big armchair seen in front of the stove. But… even if she totally laid down on the armchair’s back and she even closed her eyes, she couldn’t calm down. That’s why she decided that it’ll be a better idea to go to sleep, for a good sleep always helps a tired soul recover. After that, she stood up eventually, left the coat on the armchair, and headed toward the stairs, which she later started to slowly climb, with heavy steps, as if she could barely raise her legs.

However, even if she was immersed in thoughts, she winced when she heard a noise in one of the rooms on the ground floor… something that fell and broke. But she quickly calmed down, thinking that maybe one of the servants dropped something and it broke. Yet… something made her doubt and… she decided that it wouldn't hurt to check what happened.

But… even if she was decided, something deep inside her was yelling at Sophie not to go there, to turn back, and lock in her room. Sophie however was stubborn and she never listened to her soul. That’s why she eventually approached Bardain’s room, from where the noise has been heard, and, carefully pushing the doorknob down, she slowly opened the door.

Inside of the room was dark instead and it felt cold because of the open window through which the cold winter entered as if it was an open space. And… she felt something moving to her right, where she knew that it was a small closet where Bardain kept his things. This made Sophie wince and murmur: „Bardain, are you there?”

She received no answer instead and neither anything else moved there. But… when the curtain moved aside being blown by that strong playful wind, Sophie spotted a shadow next to the open door of the closet. And… she saw that young man’s face so well, even if she didn’t know who he was. Yet, she also spotted that he had a yellow envelope in his hand, something similar to the one Bardain gave to Keen.

„Who are you?” muttered Sophie, crawling back. Then, as if moved by a savage inner instinct, she rotated on her heels and ran up the stairs, to her room. The stranger instead, who she saw into the old teamster’s room, didn’t leave the house as she thought but followed her.

And he caught up with her right at the moment Sophie tried to close the door behind her, a door the man suddenly pushed hard, making Sophie crawl back, frightened. But… it definitely wasn’t her lucky day because while crawling, she stumbled over something and when she hit the ground, she also hit her head on one of the sharp edges of the coffee table. Soon after that, a red trail crept on the back of her head, coloring that big white bear fur that was put under that table.

Then, Sophie’s eyes filled with tears, suddenly, seeing that stranger approaching her and taking off one of his gloves. Later, he put his index finger in front of her nostrils to check if she was still breathing. That’s why Sophie stopped her breathing, in her desperate attempt to protect herself, and when he didn’t feel any blow of air coming out of her body, he stood up and left the room.

Sophie difficultly opened her eyes then, and she saw the back of his shoes while he stepped over that threshold and carefully closed the door behind him as if he tried to make no noise just not to alert the world about what happened.

„Help me! At least somebody!” Sophie murmured, barely heard, still having tears in her eyes, tears that were abundantly wetting that bear fur on which she was lying and which she felt wet where her cheek touched it.

Eventually, weakened by remorse and powerless, Sophie Anderson Bell closed her eye, having one single image in front of her: the one where she kissed Brian for the first time and maybe it was also the last time she saw him too, in that life.

***

On the ground floor, pulled somewhere behind the stairs just not to be easily spotted, the servant’s body was hidden, the single servant that was in the house that night to serve Sophie, for Mrs. Anderson Bell, thinking that she’ll turn back home with Brian and with the baby, allowed her servants to take the day off, just not to bother them. A big mistake actually, for she lost not only her hope eventually, but also her life.