I remember after the death of my parents, I attended the funeral with Jacob. He held my hand the entire time, and I was crying. I remember people feeling sorry for me, and I told Jacob that I was gonna take good care of him. That it was my job to protect him, at least that's my job as his older brother. Jacob didn't speak at the time, but he understood what I meant. He understood what I was feeling.

I just lied flat on my bed facing the ceiling, as I had my eyes open. I took a deep breath and slowly sighed. I swallowed and I looked at the clock and it was only four in the morning.

I could barely sleep, due to what's been happening these last few weeks. As I continued to stare at the ceiling, I felt even more guilty.

As I didn't know how to express my feelings to Mandy about this guilt and shame.

I started to tear up, and I didn't want to feel this way anymore. So I decided one day to contact a therapist, and about two weeks later, I went to see her.

I walked into Dr. Emma Bales office after knocking on the door. "Come in," Dr. Bales said. Emma is a psychologist. I took a deep breath and sighed, and I opened the door and I noticed Dr. Bales sitting up from her seat and she asked me wondering if I must be her new patient.

"It is nice to meet you, Ryan."

I sighed, and Dr. Bales could tell I am going through a lot.

"Please have a seat, make yourself a home." I cleared my throat, walking my way up to one of the office chairs, and I sat down not knowing what to say.

"So Ryan, I see that you're a lawyer, am I correct?"

"Yes, I'm a public defender."

Dr. Bales shook her head, understanding. I was silent. "So, tell me why you are here? Maybe it is something you would like for me to know?"

I swallowed, trying not to tear up. I took a deep breath and sighed, chuckling. "I-I um," Dr. Bales could tell in my voice it was heartbreaking.

"I didn't know where else to go, I just needed someone to tell me what I was feeling and why?"

"Okay, what's going on?"

I took a deep breath and sighed, I shook my head not knowing. I wiped my tears and sniffled. I kept stuttering my words.

"Are you feeling like you're responsible for something?" Dr. Bales asked.

I shook my head, yes, and I continued to wipe my tears. "Okay, okay," Dr. Bales said, softly.

"I um, I had this client, I um, her name was Hannah, and she was charged for murdering her mother and father. I- she and I were like brother and sister."

"I see, well, why are you feeling like you're responsible for Hannah?"

"The day of the trial, I had always felt like that I could do anything for her. I promised her that I will do everything to make her not go to prison, and she was found guilty as a first degree murderer, and she.... she's sitting in a state prison, waiting to die." I said, with heartbreak in my voice.

"You mean like an execution?" Dr. Bales asked, wondering.

I shook my head yes, "Ye-yes."

Dr. Bales understood, "You don't want her to die, is what I'm thinking, because you two have a close relationship and as you mentioned she was like a sister to you."

I sighed, and shook my head. Tears kept coming out of my eyes. I sniffed once again and I wiped my tears.

"It seems like to me you're going through a stage of guilt."

I don't know what to do, I feel like, I feel like this is my fault," I said, in a heartbreaking way.

"Why do you think it's your fault?"

I shook my head not knowing once again. "I just want her to understand that I have tried everything to save her, and that I'm not giving up on her."

Dr. Bales shook her head understanding. I scoffed and I wiped my tears once again.

"Well, Ryan, I can tell you as your psychologist that I have seen something like this before in my other patients. Guilt is described as a self-conscious emotion that involves negative evaluations of the self, feelings of distress, and feelings of failure. Some of the signs that you might be coping with a guilt complex include: Anxiety."

"I can't sleep, I can't eat sometimes, I already suffered a headache and puked because of how I was feeling."

"Something you said or did or even thought is making you feel sick, and you just want to hide. This reaction might be because the shame you're feeling inside is affecting you physically. That's a totally normal thing for a person who's feeling guilty."

I sighed, "I don't think Hannah accepts me anymore, I can't just let her die." I said, continuing to cry.

"You have no responsibility whatsoever, you are not the blame because of your client, sometimes people think they're responsible over something they can't control, and I tell all my clients this: you're NOT responsible for anyone else but yourself."

"Yeah," I said, softly before swallowing and sighed.

"Okay?" Dr. Bales asked nicely.

I shook my head, yes, "I'm sorry for popping up like this, I just thought I was just, I um, I-." Dr. Bales cut me off, and she told me she understands and that I have her support.

I sighed, and I felt sort of relieved after telling someone I could trust how I was really feeling.

"It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay."