Book 6

(Still untitled. Working title is Ghosts of Earth. That will not be the final title.)

“The moral of the story is: I chose a half-measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again.” - Mike Ehrmantraut, Breaking Bad.

OMG. WHAT A FLOOR.

Hi everyone!

Thank you so much for signing up for the Princess Posse fanclub newsletter! This is the only OFFICIAL fanclub. I heard rumors of another group called the Donut Holes, and while I appreciate their enthusiasm, this is the ONLY place to get THIS newsletter. I DO NOT approve of the name Donut Holes.

Anyway!

My name is GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk, and I am here to give you a quick recap of what happened on the last few floors. I know my good friend Carl should have been doing this the whole time, and perhaps I will talk him into going back and changing his previous little books to give proper recaps, but you’re here now, and we’re about to start the eighth floor. Here’s what happened on the sixth and seventh floors.

The sixth floor started with Carl temporarily giving up the Gate of the Feral Gods to Orren the Liaison because he was afraid Carl would get all Carl-y and use it to ruin the floor. I didn’t see this happen, but I imagine Carl was all grumpy about it. It ended up being a good thing because we got Sledgie and three other cretin rock bodyguards to escort us for the next three floors in exchange! Isn’t that great?

I got the most exquisite temporary class. I was a Legendary Diva! I could cast spells when I sing! I hear my album will soon be available on Starster, so be sure to upgrade to Ultimate Supreme Fan Tier Three or above to get a free ten-second preview of each song before they’re released!

This was the floor where the stupid hunters were trying to kill us. That didn’t work out too well for them, did it? There was this one bug lady, and her name was Vrah. We killed her annoying little sister right in the beginning, and that made her really mad. When Carl went to that lame CrawlCon later on, he met Vrah’s mom and made her really mad, too. So mad she flew all the way to Earth just to participate as a god named Diwata.

Katia left the party so she could hunt down Eva, her player killer ex-best friend, and that was really sad because I liked being in a party with Katia. She managed to get Eva in the end, though, and I really hope she’ll come back to the party. I love Carl, of course, but it would be nice to have her back. I miss having her with us. I suppose now that she’s in love with Daniel Bautista he’d have to come with her. That would be okay, too, even if he looks like a generic brand Tony the Tiger.

We learned at the end of the floor there would be a party with a talent contest and pet show for the hunters and the top 50 crawlers. It would be at the high elf castle, led by the mean Queen Imogen. The party was called the Butcher’s Masquerade.

My Mongo met a few fellow dinosaurs, including a female mongoliensis named Kiwi. Honestly, I don’t want to talk about how that started because it was highly traumatic for my brave, sweet boy, whose innocence was savagely ripped away from him. He’s still healing.

Also, way back on the third floor, we met a bra-deficient Elite named Signet covered in gross tattoos. You may know her show. It was called Vengeance of the Daughter. Carl was contractually bound to continue with that story, which was to help her reclaim her crown and defeat queen Imogen of the high elves, who helped kill Signet’s mother a long time ago.

My friend Prepotente and his former person Miriam Dom got in a bit of trouble, and, unfortunately, Miriam Dom passed away. But Prepotente was a very brave goat about it. Miriam used to have another goat, too, one named Bianca who is quite friendly when you get to know her. She’s a demon goat dragon thing, and she and Prepotente are off on their own now.

I got into a little tussle with a crawler named Lucia Mar, and I killed one of her disgusting dogs, who absolutely deserved it. We later found out that there’s something weird going on with Lucia Mar that I honestly just don’t understand, but Florin, our crocodilian friend with the Australian accent, is determined to find out that full story. He used to hate her because Lucia killed his girlfriend, but now they’re friends. I think. I’m not sure, honestly.

We had a quest to find and help a giant allosaurus ballerina named Big Tina. It turns out Kiwi is Big Tina’s mom, and they both used to be bears. They were changed when Scolopendra, the final boss of the whole dungeon, attacked a long time ago.

And then my ex-boyfriend Ferdinand just randomly showed up, thinking he could just waltz right back into my life and I would swoon over him. As if. He was now the pet of Queen Imogen of the high elves.

All of this time, we were preparing for the Butcher’s Masquerade. Mongo prepared for the pet show, training tirelessly, and I coordinated for the talent show. Carl figured out that Queen Imogen would be a country boss, and we had to be ready for it.

When the party came, all of this stuff happened at once. Signet finally got her revenge against Imogen, though it was really sad because she had to kill herself to do it. My Mongo and Kiwi killed Vrah, and I helped kill her mom with my Laundry Day spell. Carl killed the last hunter, meaning we got all of them. At the same time YOU GUYS really pulled through, and we used the funds from the fan club to pay for a spot on faction wars. Thanks to Carl and Sledgie we got all of Signet’s former tattoos and helpers, Kiwi and Tina, and all of the changelings into the elf castle, and we teleported the whole castle to the ninth floor, meaning we now have an official army. Ferdinand, too, though we don’t know if he’s going to help us when we get there. Carl and I are now ninth floor warlords! Isn’t that great? There’s not much we can do about that on this eighth floor, but because we’re warlords, we can vote for stuff that happens on Faction Wars. Carl is trying to make it so we can really kill each other. Nobody thinks that’s going to happen. We’ll see. Carl is good at making impossible things possible.

It wasn’t all good. Lots of sad things happened. My friend Firas died. He was really nice. Another guy named Gideon died. I didn’t know him very well except in the chat, but Carl was sad because he’d talked Gideon in helping us. Gwendolyn Duet died. This mushroom guy who was a really good singer died. The Popov brothers died, too, but then something amazing happened. They turned into babies and were kicked out of the game. Zev said they were okay! That made everyone happy.

Also, the crime of the century was committed during the Butcher’s Masquerade.

An evil, vile, experience hog crawler named Tserendolgor somehow managed to get her hands on the voting ballot box for the pet show and changed the votes, stealing Mongo’s crown from him and handing it off to her disgusting meatball pet, Garret. I want you guys to continue to pour over the footage and find the smoking gun. I’ve seen some of your investigative efforts so far, and I’m looking forward to more. We need definitive proof! We will stop the steal. #JusticeForMongo.

I, of course, found myself at the top of the crawler list after my performance at the talent show.

And then, right when we thought we were going to the seventh floor, Prepotente broke the whole thing! We pretty much went straight from the sixth to the eighth, but not before I briefly chose a new class. I was a Viper Queen for a few minutes.

And that’s it. I know, I know. I’m missing so much. I didn’t talk much about Samantha and the body Signet gave her to use, or how Britney got burned, or how Tran lost his legs, or about how Zev got a promotion because the Borant government lost control of the crawl to the Valtay brain worms. Or that weird ring Carl got that I think is giving him headaches.

Nor have I talked about Miss Beatrice’s return and appearance on Odette’s program. It’s not worth examining, and I haven’t thought about it once since it happened and there’s nothing more to discuss.

Anyway, thank you again for subscribing. Remember to pay your dues! If you forget, you stop getting the newsletter and all the other great benefits, and we don’t want that. For an extra twenty credits a week, you get access to the super exclusive Team Mongo Mommies, which grants entrance to the platinum private Mongo Mommies chat room, officially licensed Mongo merch along with access to a very special song I wrote about him! I love you all!

XOXO

GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk.

Co-Warlord of the Princess Posse Faction Wars Team.