a world alone

✧

All her life, she's been told that everything will get better. She likes to think that it was true, she likes to lie to herself into the delusion of believing that her life isn't as fucked up as it actually was. However, the misconception she's trapped herself in only lasts for so long.

Think of it as a glass of water. If you continue filling it to the rim, the water will eventually spill. Rue Newby has had the water spilling from her cup for quite some time now, but every day the mess grows worse, and the water doesn't stop pouring. Now it's flooding the entire room, all the doors and windows are locked, and she's drowning.

At least, that's what it felt like.

Her lungs are burning, her eyes sting, and she cannot breathe. Whenever she tries to, she chokes, and her brain begins to short-circuit without air, and now she can't breathe or think. She can only watch. She can only stand there and watch the world move around her while she drowns.

She can only stand there, watching the angry tears roll down Nancy Wheeler's cheeks. Her makeup is smudged, and dark black mascara stains her pale skin. She's covered in dirt, slime and goo and her sweater clings to her skin. Her face is flushed and her eyes are haunted with betrayal.

"How could you?" Nancy's voice drops to a whisper, almost a whimper as her lips tremble in despair.

Rue stands there, unable to breathe. She feels as if she's a child again, way before she moved to Hawkins, way before she's grown attached to Ava Fluer. She is a child, a coward against the locked bedroom door of an old apartment, banging her head against the wood and crying to be let out.

Rue doesn't remember why she had been crying or why she was locked in the room, all she knew was that there was a bitter edge in her chest, and she needed to be held. And when Emilia had finally unlocked the door and stepped into the room, she made the pain go away, treating her like glass but never like a daughter. Emilia made her forget the pain, and she made her forget the reasons for it all, letting the reality that she had made Rue cry in the first place vanish as if it were a dream.

Rue feels a lot like she did then, waiting for her mother to hold her and make her forget. Forget. Forget. Forget.

Rue wishes she can forget the way Nancy looked at her once she was out of the trance Vecna put her in.

It happened while they were all in Eddie's room, digging through all his cassettes and whatever music was in his room, arguing about how none of it was good enough to save Nancy because his taste in music was fucking ridiculous.

Steve and Erica had burst into the room after Rue suggested using Max's mixtape instead. They all turned to him, breathless, shaky and anxious, and he said Nancy was fine, only shaken.

Dawn was creeping up on them, the sun slowly rising behind the trees as they all stepped out of the room and made their way through the small hallway in the trailer. There was an ominous atmosphere as the gate still made abnormal wet sounds to prove it was alive like everything else in the Upside Down.

Rue was trembling with worry as she hurried towards Nancy. She was choked up, only thinking about running up to her, hugging her, asking if she was okay and offering to take the pain away, but then all of it died once she locked eyes with Nancy.

A dark, cold, and bitter pit started to grow in her stomach, and her heart dropped when she sensed the terror, anguish, and betrayal thrashing from the older girl in loud, abrupt ripples. It nearly gave Rue a headache, and she stopped before taking another step closer.

"You," Nancy said gravely, tears in her eyes as she gripped the rope of tied bed sheets as if her life depended on it. She looked small, violently trembling with fear.

Rue could feel her heart pound in her throat. "Nance?"

"You..." She grumbled again. Her anger started bubbling into blinding rage and despair as she let go of the rope, pointing her manicured finger at Rue as she stomped toward her. "You!"

Ricky had stepped in the way before Nancy could get to Rue. He wrapped his arms around her torso, stopping her from getting any closer, and wincing when she continued to push against him.

Nancy started shouting, shoving at Ricky's chest. She glared at Rue, so many different emotions ridden in her blue eyes all at once. "Traitor!" She cried, the tears finally breaking free from her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. "Traitor!"

"Hey!" Robin jumped in almost immediately, and she placed a hand on Nancy's shoulder, "Nance, calm down. You're in shock-"

"No!" Nancy stopped her. She finally broke free from Ricky's grasp and shoved him away. "Don't tell me what to do, Robin," She told her before returning to gaze towards Rue. Nancy squinted at her, shaking her head, "How could you?"

Rue felt detached from herself from that moment forward. She was confident that the trailer was gradually shrinking, pressing everyone closer together until there was no room to breathe.

She can't breathe.

"I don't..." Rue sputters, "I don't understand."

Nancy doesn't believe her. "Bullshit."

"I swear! I-"

"Bullshit!" She shouts. Nancy starts to step closer again, "You think I don't know? Well, I do. I do know. And, shit, I wish he didn't but... he showed me everything. Everything you did. The house. I knew..." She pauses, bringing her hands up to her hair in distress, and she nearly laughs when she realizes something. "I should've known. I should've fucking known. The disappearances, the clothes, you were so out of it for days. I should've known!"

It hits Rue suddenly when she understands what Nancy is going on. It feels like a slap to the face, no worse, like a roller skate to the nose, where a flashing white-hot blur of pain suddenly smacks you, and you don't even realize it until seconds or minutes after. It feels a lot like that.

"I... I can explain," Rue starts. Dread fills her chest, and hot tears well up in her eyes. She recalls the nightmare evenings in Creel's old study room, with the screaming, bones crunching, and blood spattering. It enters her memories so quickly that she can't think of anything to say. She is unable to speak or explain anything. She's a blubbering child, gasping for air and wiping her tears away.

Nancy tilts her head, raising her brows and waits. When there is no explanation, she shakes her head. "I can't believe this."

"Nance, take it easy on the kid," Steve Harrington says, and Rue feels him place his hand on her shoulder.

It is an act to bring comfort, but she only feels colder and lonelier. Rue is now aware of the staring eyes of everyone else in the room, and it burns her skin. Especially Max's. Her heart sinks even further when she spots her confused gaze.

"Can someone please fill me in on what's happening here?" Robin asks, and Eddie nods frantically from behind her, just as clueless.

Nancy is beating herself up, and there are so many things running through her mind all at once. Everything shown during the trance is all loud and terrifying and immensely personal. More tears roll down her cheeks, and she wipes them away angrily, "Rue's... she's... she's been working with Vecna this entire time. He told me. He showed me. Everything."

The room grows terrifyingly quiet.

The early morning sun starts to shine brighter, peeking through the dirty windows, and the gate is slowly rebuilding itself, emitting a faintly glowing red once more.

"No," Rue shakes her head, "No, no. I'm not."

She feels desperate, and her voice breaks with every poor and pathetic attempt to prove herself. Rue looks around the room, where so many different emotions are spreading all at once, and she grows overwhelmed. She doesn't know how to feel or how to act. Tears continue to fall from her eyes, and blood rolls down her nose.

She's a child again, crying to her mother.

"Please," She's begging once she feels Steve's hand leave her shoulder. Rue trembles and she looks to Dustin and Lucas for help. "I'd never. I promise! Please, I wouldn't. I didn't."

"Bullshit."

"Nancy, please, listen to me," Rue turns to her. Her fingertips are burning, and all the cuts on her skin are now numb. She's losing feeling in her skin as more blood rolls down her nose when everyone in the room continues to emit more and more ardent emotions.

"I saw it, Rue," Nancy tells her, her voice laced with betrayal. "I saw you. You... were there and you... you killed so many people. The bodies at the Creel house... it was all you. And then... and then you... all the gates opened and you left us."

The way Nancy looks at her makes Rue want to die.

Rue didn't want to approach anyone in the first place because she was afraid of losing the few people she had left in her life. Nancy has always been a guiding light for Rue, and she was always the first to protect her. Nancy once cried as she clutched Rue in her arms, not wanting her baby sister to move away.

But now...

Nancy now looks at her as if she has no knowledge of who is standing in front of her.

Rue wanted to die. And it didn't help that when she looked around the room and caught Max's eyes, she looked away, staring at the floor while her thoughts ran thousands of miles per hour.

She has so many things she wants to say. Rue wishes to tell everyone that Nancy was mistaken and that whatever she saw was Vecna scaring her, just like he did with Max. This, however, did not feel the same. Vecna wasn't attempting to terrify Nancy; he was presenting her the truth from every angle, and Rue can no longer lie to herself.

"I would never leave you," Rue tells them, but she can't look away from Max. Her words are layered with different meanings, and she hopes Max can understand them. "Never."

"Nancy, what you saw. It wasn't Rue," Steve starts, and he's stepping closer to the girl, his hands up in the air in surrender. "Believe me. We were there a few nights ago, and I can confirm that it wasn't her. I mean, yes it was technically her... but it wasn't Rue. Look, what I'm saying is Rue would never do that. Yes, she did do it, but she wouldn't do it consciously. Cause she's not like that. Right, Rue?"

Rue stares up at him, and she feels more hopeless than before. "I..."

He doesn't let her talk and grasps her shoulders again, "That wasn't you. This isn't you, okay? Hey, look at me. Yeah, that wasn't you."

"Steve, you're not helping," Lucas scoffed from Erica and Ricky's side.

"Oh."

"Wait," Robin steps in, "You knew?"

"I... no?"

"This is ridiculous," Eddie mumbles from the corner.

"What?" Dustin gasps dramatically, "Steve, you knew? And you didn't think to tell us? Whaaat?"

"Shut up, dickwad," Ricky scoffs, smacking the back of the boy's head. "You knew, too. In fact, you were the first to know."

"Oh, so you all knew?" Max finally speaks. Her arms are crossed across her chest, and she raises her brows at Lucas, Dustin, Steve, and Ricky. "And you didn't think it was an important piece of information for us to know or anything? God, you guys! Rue was running around slaughtering people, you witnessed it happening and none of you thought about telling the rest of us? How stupid are you?"

"That is a great question," Dustin nods, "I'm glad you've pointed that out. Yes, thank you, Max. We don't have an answer for you."

"Actually, we do," Ricky adds, "It's pretty simple: we are all scared as fuck."

Rue believes she is drowning. It was the only way to explain why she couldn't breathe or move, or why her vision was gradually fading with black dots. She's suffocating and gasping for air, and the room is getting smaller and smaller as the flooding continues.

Her heart is pounding too quickly, so rapidly. She thinks she will die when her legs fail out. She can't think of anything else but the realization that her friends, her family were terrified of her. Rue feels like a monster and scarcely recognizes herself.

She can't breathe.

She's withering in panic.

"Rue?"

Someone's calling her name, but she can't tell who it is. Is it Max? Is it Lucas? She realizes she's on the floor, staring at the roof of Eddie's trailer, the gate staring back at her. Rue feels terrible as if vomit is about to crawl out her throat.

A head appeared in her field of vision. When she saw the man's face again, she choked on her hurried breath. She tried to get away from him when she noticed his once-welcoming features were now fractured and pallid. His blue eyes were larger and crazier than she remembered, and his hair was thinner and lighter.

"They're afraid of you," He said, peering down at her as she cried. "And they always will be. That's the thing about you and me, people will always be afraid of us... our power. Use that to your advantage. Do not cry for them when they would never cry for you."

Rue, terrified, jolts awake, unable to breathe. Like there was a weight on her chest, pressing down hard, squeezing the air from her lungs. She's choking and coughing as she gasps for air. Sitting up, she realizes she's trembling and wishes she could think of everything as one big nightmare.

What the fuck just happened?

Skin crawling, she blinks away the drowsiness and haze from her vision. Everything is spinning, and her head pounds against her skull. Rue's cheeks are sticky with tears, a cold sweat on her skin, and she pushes her hair away from her face.

As she squints at the sun coming through the windows, the fuzzy image of a bedroom gradually comes into focus. Rue panics when she doesn't recognize where she is. It's a small bedroom with two windows and a few posters on the walls. They're distinctly familiar, as is the rest of the room's scenery.

Rue scrambles out of bed and rushes to the door, only to discover that it is locked.

Her heart sinks to her stomach.

She begins to pound on the door with shaky fists, hoping that someone on the other side can hear her. Rue's eyes well up with tears, and she feels so vulnerable again, confined in her room, crying for her mother.

She keeps turning the locked handle and smacking her palm against the wood until she gives up. Rue is crying again, and she turns away from the door, pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes.

A broken sob slips from her lips once she drops her hands.

Her gaze is drawn to the windows and orange curtains. She rushes towards one of them and attempts unsuccessfully to pull it open. Rue dashes around the bed, stumbling over a skateboard on the floor before reaching for the other window and trying again, only to be as fruitless.

She gives up fast, feeling powerless and as though she deserves it. Rue sits on her bed, frustrated, staring at her hands.

Her thumbs were chasing each other when she noticed a bandage wrapped around her palm. She recalls the gash on her palm from when she tripped over Lucas in the woods, which had been cleaned and wrapped up.

Rue stands up and notices a small mirror above a tall dresser. She approaches it cautiously, stepping over an old baseball bat and many cassettes on the floor. When she looks in the mirror, she notices that all of her wounds have been meticulously cleaned and bandaged and that someone has attempted to wipe the blood from under her nose.

She takes a look around the small bedroom, which isn't as frightening as it was seconds ago. It was cozy and welcoming, and everything about it made her feel better. Her attention is drawn to a picture hung above the bed, next to an origami blue and green butterfly.

Rue approaches the bed gingerly and climbs upon it to get a better look. Her face softens as she examines the photo, which is of herself and Max. She couldn't remember when it was taken, although it seemed to have been in the early summer. Max was wearing sunglasses and grinning, and Rue was doing the same.

It was one of several photos of their friends from last summer on the wall, and there was even one of Rue, El, and Will from their first Hanukkah in California that Jonathan had taken. Rue doesn't recall ever seeing the image before, but the small inscription in the bottom corner reveals that it was sent by Joyce, wishing the Mayfields a Merry Christmas.

The door was unlocked with a gentle click. Rue gets out of bed and rushes to the far corner of the room, away from the slowly opening door. The first thing she notices is a spatter of freckles encircling Max Mayfield's face, followed by a blur of bright red hair.

Max stood by the door, which was wide open, holding a plate of crackers and a bottle of water. Her lips were pursed, twisting nervously as she stared across the room at Rue. Her scratches and scrapes had also been cleaned and bandaged, and the Walkman she had typically had by her side was gone.

"I was just switching the batteries," She explains after catching Rue's eyes staring at where the Walkman would be. "We all sort of expected you'd unlock the door with your powers but Uhm... when you didn't come out, I guess I just had to come to check on you."

"This is your room?" Rue asks, though she already knows the answer.

"Yeah," Max nods, "It's a piece of shit, but whatever."

"It's nice," Rue tells her. "It's a lot like you."

"Lame and messy?"

"Cool and comforting."

Max scoffs, "Yeah, right."

There's a stiff beat of silence again, and the space between them grows thicker. Rue frowns, "Where is everyone? What happened?"

Max sucks in a breath, and she makes a face, setting the plate of crackers on her bedside table. "Well, for starters, you had a panic attack and passed out. Scared the living shit out of me. Then we decided to come to my trailer instead... to calm down because everything was so... tense. They're all in the living room. Steve's getting his bites disinfected."

When Rue stares at her, confused, Max continues, "He got bit by bats. Yeah, there are bats in the Upside Down, now. You should've seen him, he threw a whole fit. He kicked Eddie in the stomach while Ricky was cleaning him up. It was hilarious."

Rue wraps her arms around herself, "And Nancy?"

"She's... she's calmed down, I guess. She hasn't said anything since you went out, though."