i’ve celebrated myself

being underweight &

hurt myself when i

gained a single kilogram.

i cried when someone

asked me if i’d gained

weight & i’ve never smiled

as bright as when

someone told me they

thought i was too skinny.

i am empty all over,

never felt so hollow &

i do not trust anyone

to fill in the gaps.

i keep them away from

me when all i want is

for them to be so close

i’d feel warm again.

i have had a year of coldness

and a four month period

of warmth, after that there

were seven months of coldness

and nine months of warmth,

then i had three months

of coldness and a year of warmth

and now it has been five

months of coldness &

i haven’t been warm since.

my heart beats unregularly

and my soul sometimes

flutters away. i hate and hate

and hate and i’m so jealous,

why can’t i be that perfect

image i have in my head?

i’ve lost three kilos

and gained five, i’ve lost

six and gained four,

i’ve lost everything &

i don’t think i’ll ever gain it back.

(and i hate myself through it all)