Shelly was having an absolutely wonderful day!...

Not that it knew its name was Shelly… or anything else much at all, for that matter.

All Shelly knew was that ever since that friendly big thing picked it up and put it… somewhere?... things had been really…

Shelly didn’t have a word for “nice” or even really the concept of it, but it certainly had an appreciation for the delightful state of being in which it now found itself.

Shelly was a Noltan Shell Dweller. While life can assume a near infinite variety of forms, some forms tend to be more successful than others. Some of these forms tend to grow shells, and those shells tend to outlive their original tenants.

It’s only natural that something else would evolve to take advantage of them.

That’s where Noltan “hermit crabs” come from, nature’s inherent laziness where natural selection is concerned.

All of that was, of course, quite beyond Shelly, who had absolutely no knowledge of natural selection, other worlds, or even the fact that the universe itself was larger than a particularly nice stretch of beach.

I mean, it was a really nice beach. Why go anywhere else?

The thought had never occurred to Shelly. Then again, not many thoughts occurred to the little guy.

Shelly didn’t have to think. All it had to do was exist, a rather enviable position if you really get down to it.

Anyhow, when Faun decided to have a girl’s night, she absently tucked Shelly into herself before she left. She liked the guy and decided to keep him.

Shelly was delighted with this turn of events.

It was lovely inside Faun. It was like a shell around its shell! It was comfy and safe, and there was plenty to eat and drink… more stuff than it could ever eat or drink, and all of it was delicious! It wasn’t too hot or too cold or too damp or too dry…

…it was perfect!...

But that wasn’t the best part!

There were other things in there with it!... and they were all friendly! There were no threats!... None!

Everyone was so friendly! They kept making happy noises at him and at each other.

Shelly was beyond delighted, but it did sort of wish it had more sounds.

It did, however, have one.

“Hi!” it exclaimed at the various creatures as it scuttled around, “Hi!”

“Hello!” a small thing with wings called back.

Shelly liked things with wings, well, little things with wings, anyhow, like the ones that would sometimes land on big food.

They were neat! This being was like one of those, but different.

“Hi!” Shelly exclaimed as it reached towards the winged thing with its feelers. The little winged things never let it touch them with its feelers, and it had always wanted to. Shelly, while not a creature of many thoughts, was a curious little thing.

The little pixie child giggled as Shelly prodded it with its feelers. They tickled.

Shelly was, of course, overjoyed. It finally was able to feel one of the winged things. Shelly’s eyes were a bit crap, to be honest, but its feelers… those were pretty darn spiffy.

The little pixie landed on Shelly’s shell, much to Shelly’s delight. It had never had one of those winged things land on it before! This was beyond cool.

“Hi!” Shelly exclaimed happily. It was pretty much its only sound, but it was a good sound with so many uses. “Hi!” it squealed with delight.

Suddenly there were a whole bunch of sounds from further up a gentle slope.

The little pixie giggled.

“That’s Kalar. He’s funny. Want to see?”

She reached out and grabbed Shelly’s feelers and started to steer her new buddy in that direction.

“Hi!!!” Shelly yelled joyously as he scuttled roughly in that general direction.

“I heard some of the grown-ups saying that he has been thinking with the wrong head,” the little pixie chirped. “But he only has one, so I’m not sure what they actually mean.”

Shelly had no idea either. They were just happy to be involved.

“Hi!”

***

“This is just getting sad,” a gigantic carp-like fish said as it lounged in the water that mysteriously surrounded it for some reason. “How long are you going to be up there? You’re blocking my light.”

The dragon Kalar looked down at the giant fish from his perch near a large round crystal window in a gigantic spherical vine-covered chamber filled with gardens, fountains, and wide avenues teeming with beings of all descriptions happily bustling about.

“As long as it takes!” Kalar replied. “If your method of reproduction wasn’t my method of expressing loneliness, you would understand.”

“Well, forgive me for being efficient,” the fish bubbled, quite amused. “If the alternative is what is driving you to this madness, I believe that Faun did me a favor.”

“Did I tell you how we met?”

“Repeatedly,” the golden scaled fish replied. “Honestly, Kalar, it is as if you have never seen a dragon before.”

“I haven’t!” Kalar gushed. “I thought I had, but as soon as I saw her in that insane place… I knew!”

“Knew that you were being a gigantic stupid,” a pixie giggled as they flew up and booped him on the nose, “…again.”

She peered out of the round window and made a scrunch face.

“Have my dopple-demons ceased being quite so murderous yet?”

“I am afraid not,” the fish bubbled. “They also seem to have developed a new and perhaps even more distressing new sport.”

“Oh, by Faun’s pretty pink nose,” the pixie sighed. (The dwarven oath had caught on.) “I am relieved that she only gave them one set of children’s wings. Imagine what they would do with these,” she said, wiggling her twin pairs of razor-sharp crystalline dragonfly wings.

“Faun was angry,” the fish blurped, “But she wasn’t that angry. Still, I am a little surprised that she would—”

“THERE SHE IS!!!” Kalar howled as he threw himself against the window, causing it to darken instantly.

“Why does it always do that?!?” Kalar cried.

“Oh, maybe because it’s Faun’s eye?” the pixie giggled. “She probably thinks that a particularly stupid piece of grit got in there.”

“Honestly, Kalar, we’re guests in here,” the fish swooshed, “If you keep irritating her, the cells are going to start confining us to the womb again.”

“And it’s boring in there!” the pixie moaned as she swatted Kalar’s nose, “As you should know, having been shoved in there twice.”

“And in front of your crush, too,” an iridescent blue serpent as long as Kalar himself purred as she floated up and wrapped gracefully around his neck, “Oh, that had to sting.”

“She said I was handsome!” Kalar exclaimed, completely ignoring the barb, “And at least I am able to go outside, unlike someone who just keeps slithering around and whining about being stuck in here.”

“Oh, we all have the power,” the snake said as she flicked his ear with her forked tongue, “All of us were created by the hand of Faun, after all. It’s just that the rest of us were gifted with something called common sense. You should indulge in it every now and again. It’s fun.”

“Our mother has been through a lot lately,” the pixie said accusingly, her little hands on her tiny hips, “and the last thing she needs is for one of us to go running off and causing trouble. Didn’t you see how worried she was when you ran off after that dragon? Of course you didn’t, you were too busy charging through Faun knows what. She was really worried, Kalar.”

“Well, she shouldn’t have been,” Kalar huffed, “I’m over thirty thousand years old! I know what I’m doing!”

“You knew what you were doing,” the snake replied, “Everything is different now. Our world is gone, Kalar, as would many of us be were it not for the grace of the wonderful teacher.”

“He shoved my mommy in a bag!” the little pixie said as she rode up on Shelly.

“That he did, dear,” the adult pixie replied, “and he was none too gentle about it, either.”

“At least he didn’t grab you by your tail,” the fish chuckled, “I had no idea what was going on… I still don’t, if I’m being perfectly honest.”

The group (except Kalar) all silently nodded in agreement.

“Hi!” Shelly exclaimed. (There was a pause in the conversation, and it seemed to be the right moment.)

“Well put,” the fish swooshed with amusement.

“Hi!”

“As our new friend has so eloquently put it,” the fish bubbled, “we can only greet our new circumstances with cheerful acceptance and faith in our mother.”

“Hi!” It was fun being included!

“Would any of you like some nutrients, or maybe some oxygen?” a cheerful voice asked as a smartly dressed sylph holding a basket approached.

“No, thank you, red blood sylph,” the pixie replied, “I think all of us have been nutriented halfway to death.”

“Are you sure?” the red blood sylph asked. “I am detecting rather low oxygen levels, and your carbon dioxide is rather high. Aren’t you feeling a bit stuffy?”

“I’m… I’m fine…”

“Momma doesn’t like it when they kiss her!” her daughter laughed to everyone’s amusement.

“Must you do that?” her mother asked. “Can’t you just, I don’t know, hand it to me?”

“Oxygen isn’t a solid, silly,” the red blood cell giggled. “It’s a gas, and that’s how I transport gas. So is carbon dioxide,” she added as she refreshed her lip gloss. “Are you suuuure you don’t need a little gas exchange?”

“(Sigh) fine,” the pixie huffed, “Just… Just don’t be so affectionate about it.”

“You’re funny,” the red blood sylph giggled as she floated up, wrapped her arms around the pixie, and gave her a deep and loving kiss.

“Aww,” the snake hissed, “I think she likes you, Harmie.”

“I don’t like her,” the red blood sylph replied. “I love her! I love all of the Faun very much,” she said as she cradled the pixie in her arms and started to loosen the top of her robes.

“Nope!” the Harmony the Pixie exclaimed as she fluttered back.

“But developing zygotes need their special nutrients!”

“I’m not a developing zygote! I’m fifteen thousand years old!”

“But… You’re from the womb.”

“I’m not… (sigh)… Okay… I’m currently residing in the womb, but that’s just because we are sheltering in there for a little bit. I’m fully grown.”

“Are you sure? You look a little small.”

“Pixies are supposed to be small! I’m actually tall for a pixie, thank you very much.”

“Well, I suppose you know best… Um… I don’t mean to be a busyantibody, but does your placenta know you are here?”

“I don’t need a placenta!!!” the pixie shouted indignantly before slapping her hands over her mouth with wide eyes.

“Oh dear!” the red blood sylph exclaimed as she started excreting a glowing substance. “A stray zygote! Don’t worry, I’ll save you!”

“Nooooooo!” the pixie wailed as amorphous lumps detached from the walls, quickly forming into half a dozen white wolves.

“You summoned us?” one of them asked as they yawned and stretched.

“Lost zygote,” the red blood sylph said in a matter-of-fact tone as a glowing tendril wrapped around the pixie (no matter how hard she tried to dodge).

“I’m not lost!!!”

“Don’t worry, little thing,” the lead wolf said as they grabbed her tiny sundress in their jaws and dragged her towards one of the nearby blood vessels. “Let’s get you hooked back up.”

“Ugh! Stop! Lemme go!” the pixie shouted as they struggled in vain to escape the loving grip of the white blood dire wolf as they carried her away.

“Never tell them that you don’t have a placenta,” the pixie child whispered to Shelly. “It takes forever to get loose.”

“Hi!”

***

Across the multiverse, another crab was having a somewhat less splendid day.

A giant crab was sitting there poking at a little crab absently.

“Crab,” it said a little glumly. It was getting bored.

Suddenly, the little crab’s eyes started glowing.

“CRAB!” the giant exclaimed happily as it seized the little guy and gave it a big hug with its huge claws, completely unaware of the fact that had the little crab not been the specific little crab that he was, he would have been snipped in half.

“Crab,” the little crab replied cheerfully. “Sorry about that. I’m still getting the hang of being CRAB.”

“CRAB?”

“Yeah, I went someplace weird and saw and ate a lot of neat things,” the little crab replied, “Learned a bunch of stuff I don’t quite understand as well. It doesn’t matter, though. Want to go looking for food?”

“FUD!”

With a happy burble, the pair wandered off into the jungle.

***

“By the Gods!” Bergamot the Valliant gasped as he slumped against a tree.

He looked around desperately.

“Petunia!” he cried. “Are you hurt?”

“I can’t believe that he tried to kill meeee!” Pantsu wailed as she popped up from behind a rock.

Actually, she was quite surprised. Ol’ Cleve the Cunning was actually pretty shrewd. Not many saw through her act these days.

“I… (ouch)… I just don’t believe it…” a buxom young woman with flowing brown hair and a truly epic steampunk top hat stammered as she looked down at Cleve’s smoldering corpse. “Cleve… a ganker…”

She looked at the bronze and crystal pistol-shaped wand in her hand and cast it aside. She couldn’t even look at the weapon she just used to kill one of her best friends… or who she thought was one of her best friends… God… What was happening?

“Was… was he ensorcelled?” Bergamot asked as he opened a healing potion. “Or drugged somehow?”

A burning limb directly above “Petunia” broke free and fell towards the innocent young teen. Casting aside the potion, Bergamot hurled himself towards her, knocking her aside just as he had once saved another innocent young girl from a truck all of those years ago.

“Bergamot!” Pantsu wailed as the limb smashed him in the head (exactly as planned). “Noooo!”

“He’s… He’s dead!” the young woman gasped in horror. “He must have been at nearly zero aych pee…”

/// Hey, boss? This is Nova. I hate to bug you when you are doing your thing, but we have a situation. ///

Pantsu knelt and buried her face partly to conceal her truly annoyed expression.

/// Not you too! I just finished dealing with Log’Sharingoth back home. Her, I can understand, but you’re original equipment. What is so situation like that you can’t deal with it? ///

/// Well… ///

***

Pantsu stepped out of a portal, and her dainty jaw dropped in shock.

“Where the fuck did all of these babies come from?!?” she shouted as she stood in a clearing filled with crying infants.

“Care to guess, boss?” A handmaiden in cursed mithril chainmail under rather nice charcoal grey business armor replied as she held up a faerie by one of their wings.

“Why?” Pantsu demanded as she clutch at her throbbing temple. “Tell me. Why did you steal all of these babies?”

“Well!” the faerie replied as it tried to escape Nova’s grip. “The humans are always accusing us of stealing their stupid babies, so…”

“So you went ahead and proved them right?!?”

“Well… Um… I mean… If you put it that way…”

“Put them back! Now!”

“Why?”

“Because Blitz Entertainment doesn’t mass murder babies!!! Frostie will pop a fucking fuse, and she will blame me.”

“Who the hell is Frostie?”

“Exactly,” Pantsu said as she grabbed the faerie in her fist. “And if you want to keep the bliss that ignorance provides, you are going to return each and every one of these little bastards to their mommies… now.”

“Um…” the fairie said as she peeked over Pantsu’s knuckle with huge eyes. “Eeep!” she squeaked as Pantsu’s grip tightened.

“Um… What?” Pantsu asked with a very calm, professional… and dangerous voice.

“We don’t know which one goes where?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Pantsu snapped. “How do you not… Right… You’re meaties… Fine!”

She snapped her fingers, and a huge crate of little cardboard boxes appeared.

“These are DNA testing kits,” Pantsu hissed, “You are going to find out where each one goes, and then you will…”

“Pantsu!!!” an angry voice shouted behind her.

It was Evangeline.

“See?” Pantsu yelled at the faerie. “They always blame me for this shit!”

***

“Don’t worry, Petunia. I’ll…”

A young woman in steampunk gear looked around in shock.

She was no longer in the forest.

It looked like she was in… an office?

“Told ya,” a familiar voice snarked from nearby.

“Cleve?!?” the woman gasped as she whirled around.

“I’m not one to say, ‘I told you so’, but…”

“Hello,” a well-dressed halfling said from behind a desk. “My name is Zeb and welcome to Blitz Entertainment…”

“…So Petunia was…” the steampunk adventuress said.

“The freaking demon behind everything, even the ganking,” Cleve said triumphantly.

“You don’t have to be so happy about it,” Bergamot replied sourly.

“So, does Petunia work for the demon king?” the steampunk asked.

“Her actual name is Pantsu,” Zeb said as he refilled the steampunk’s drink.

“That wasn’t Pantsu!” a voice screamed from underneath a blanket as it rocked back and forth. “It was an abomination… a glitch!!!”

“Yes, I know, dear,” Zeb said sympathetically to the bundle hiding in the corner. “Please forgive Zillandrial, she has had a very trying day.”

“Giltch!!!” the Handmaiden Zilandrial screamed from beneath the blankets.

“I’m letting her rest in here before she has to respawn,” Zeb explained.

“I’m not going back!” the bundle shrieked. “You can’t make me!”

Zeb just sighed and refilled his own glass. It was going to be another one of those days…

“Glitch? Respawn?” Bergamot asked as he picked a bit of charcoal out of his armor.

“Let’s just start from the beginning, shall we?” Zeb sighed.

***

“The Demon King falsely accuses us of being monsters,” Geelvara, queen of the dragons sighed, “and you do this?”

“They already think we are monsters!” a faerie snapped, “So we pinched a couple of babies…”

“A couple?!?” Geelvara yelled. “The forest is filling with them! Exactly who is going to care for them all? Infants must be sheltered and fed, fed from their mother’s bosom. We can’t very well give them each a beer and a bowl of stew!”

“I believe I could assist with that,” Faun said. “I could summon…”

“We all appreciate it,” Evangeline sighed, “We really do, and I know you honestly mean well, but… um… Faun… I’m not… and please take this the right way… I’m not sure that would be the best idea.”

“Why not?”

“Faun…” Evangeline said cautiously, “I know your heart is in the right place and I certainly don’t doubt your power… but… and I’m saying this as your friend…”

“We’re friends?”

“I would like to think we are,” Evangeline replied, “and as your friend… um…”

“Just say it!” Faun snapped with annoyance.

“Faun, your track record isn’t exactly the best here lately,” Evangeline replied.

“I think I could handle this!” Faun huffed, “I’m a creation god… I mean a creation entity! This is what I do!” she exclaimed, raising her voice to be heard over the wailing babies. “Someone has to do something!”

“I agree,” Evangeline replied, “but let’s review things, shall we? In the short time I’ve known you, you’ve caused a zombie apocalypse, accidentally created an entity, overpowered an entire species of pixies which has caused just few little issues… and indirectly played a part in a false vacuum event… These are innocent babies. Do you honestly want them drinking whatever it is that comes out of whatever you summon?”

“Do you have a better idea?” Faun demanded.

“Actually I do,” Evangeline replied. “We isekai them.”

“Dude…” Pantsu said dubiously.

“Bedbug!” Evangeline called as a little bright point of light appeared on each infant’s forehead.

“Dude!” Pantsu yelled as she rushed up to Evangeline. “We aren’t killing the babies!”

“Exactly,” Evangeline, “we’re isekaing them.”

“I know we’re monsters,” Pantsu said, “but we aren’t monsters! Seriously F1… um… Evangeline… They have families.”

“You’re right,” Evangeline said.

Pantsu breathed a sigh of relief… or started to…

“Bedbug! Isekai the babies and their families!”

Silence fell over the clearing as all of the babies stopped crying… instantly.

“Jesus Christ!” Pantsu yelled.

“I can’t believe you did that!” Faun shouted as a tiny dragon, taking advantage of the chaos, fell from her robe and scurried off into the grass near her feet.

“Monster!” Geelvara hissed as she flew off (with an insect-sized dragon hot on her beautiful heels).

“What?” Evangeline asked. “They are all going to a better place! This is an improvement!”

***

“I’m going to kill them,” Zeb said a multiverse away as babies started raining from the ceiling of his office. “I am going to murder all of them.”