Shadow Work.

It’s the running theme of this narrative and it’s only now, finally being alone in my head, that I realize why it’s been so difficult for me to put into words. I understand the principles, I understand the need from the stance of the gods. It’s necessary to let the demons go to clear up the chatter, quiet the mind, and allow yourself to open up to their voices. But, if someone has no interest in the gods or what they have to say, why would they bother doing Shadow Work?

I figured it out when Cassia said something to me that made me pause for a moment and laugh a little as she put it into different words. We were talking about her progress, that she feels as though she has to build momentum to “get started” doing her Shadow Work. It seemed like every time she’d think about doing something she used to enjoy, something would derail her and she’d feel lost trying to find the version of herself that she liked because it always came with someone else’s reflection. I have a feeling, like most of the people I’ve talked to that are new to Shadow Work and may not have the understanding of it from a philosophical or psychological standpoint to realize it’s not self-therapy. It’s the continuation and growth of the individual when they are ready to take charge of their own minds and being. She said, “I've basically built a shell around me that's repressing everything I wanna do/be."

This is quite literally the Ego suffocating the Id.

The purpose of Shadow Work is to expand that shell to accommodate the person you want to be and facilitate you in figuring out what you want to do.

With or without the gods' help.

Yes, Shadow Work is necessary to be able to hear the gods clearly. But the purpose of Shadow Work is to discover and accept every aspect of yourself; the good, the bad, and the ugly combining into one glorious mess of a person that is so beautiful and unique they are captivating. It’s about finding your passions and igniting them to light up the darkness in a technicolor mosaic display to declare, “I’m here. I’m me. And I am incredible.”

This means discovering things about yourself that may be painful, but help make you who you are, so you can stop asking who you want to be. When you accept everything about yourself, you can see what you want to change and change it, without the influence of those that may have tried to control you.

Self-discovery isn't about identifying the roots of your trauma, that's what everyone gets hung up on. It is literally getting to know yourself as an independent being from your past to move forward.

Writing letters, writing stories, and letting demons go is just to make more room in your mind to figure all of that out. That is the first step, which is why it always seems to be the hardest. But, after that, you can take off running because nothing is holding you back.

Once you've let go, then you can figure out who you are without past pain coloring what you discover.

At the end of Chapter Three, I listed a Class Exercise: You are a blank canvas in your Id, you can be or do anything. If you were able to replace the bad with the good, who would you be now as a result? Who do you want to be when you grow up? What are the things that you have learned, not the details but the spirit, that make you feel good?

These were questions asked in the hopes of sparking the imagination, to get you thinking about what kind of person you want to be so that, as you discover more about yourself, you can see how you already are that person if you are willing to embrace it.

*****

Cassia — Yesterday at 11:30 PM

Oy

I have a question

Iona — Today at 2:53 AM

Wazzup?

I fell asleep, sorry.

Cassia — Today at 11:12 AM

It's all good. I'm alright now lmao. I was just going to ask if it's normal after a session of shadow working to have slight chest pain but it eventually faded lmao. I think it was just sympathy pain for all the weight I held inside. And wanna know something cool? My CotD (Card of the Day) today:

THE FOOL

So, I'm obviously doing something right

Iona — Today at 11:52 AM

Yes, it is normal to have that weight on your chest. When you let stuff go, it leaves space in your spirit. It's up to you to fill it with love.

Think of all the personality traits you learn in your star chart. Hone in on the ones that feel good when you realize that's you to at.

Write all of those down on a list in column A, then list the ones you know are correct but feel like something you'd want to work on in column B.

On the next page write out the traits that you like the best from column A. When you feel that weight, turn to the list of traits that you like the best and remember, that's you.

Exercises are great for health and self-image, yes. But Shadow Work is about feeling good on the inside which radiates outward.

When you feel beautiful, you reflect that.

*****

It was the advice she gave to Casia that got her thinking. She was trying to come up with a way to demonstrate self-discovery, but there was a hitch. To be able to show what her own star chart looked like; she’d have to release certain information that could lead back to who she was in the flesh. After everything she had put on the stage as part of her Shadow Work, shit from the internet was just minor embarrassments. Her biggest worry was her work getting back to her tyrannical sibling. She already knew they were using their position and resources at the law firm to put an alert on her information so she could be notified as to anything legal dealing with her, as well as obtaining her credit information without her permission. Her sibling knowing exactly what her finances looked like was the source of her most recent attack, stirring her parents up into almost kicking her and John-Boy out because Ioan handled a debt lawsuit on her own instead of running to them. They did the same thing with her parents and their own child’s information, trying to control everyone in the bloodline.

If her writing was linked to her real-world identity too soon, she and John Boy would be at ground zero of the mother of all Drama Bombs that could end up in a hospital trip, if not someone getting arrested. Her sibling was prone to fits of violence, was the embodiment of an SJW/Karen with her unearned sense of entitlement, and was a narcissist studying Psychology while saying depression wasn’t a real thing. If Iona not only tasted success but left any hint of their true nature in it, they would come after her. With a smile, her Tiefling self looked in a small mirror backstage and made a single owl hoot.

“Is that really how you’re going to summon me?” the demon asked as an owl-like face appeared in the glass.

“Well, I can’t really say your name without everyone hearing it,” she said. “Beware of ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face,’ causing harm to others that only comes back to harm oneself,” she said, quoting his lesson. “I get that. That’s why I have tried to avoid giving away more than a few details. But, how fast do you think it would get back to Voldemort if I left it there and still released my timestamp to give an example of using a star chart as a skeleton to get to know one’s spirit once they’ve managed to let go of their demons?”

“As it stands right now, it’s not a matter of if, so much as when, so assume it will be instant,” he said. “That being said, you know they will do everything in their power to ensure your failure and the destruction of your current circumstances. Are you ready to be evicted?”

“Cptn. Sparklepants is already up north and has a couch I can crash on,” she said. “We can shelter at John Boy’s parents' house for a bit if needed, but I don’t want to get stuck there.”

“As long as you avoid sharing it yourself, we can give you as much time as we can to get out on your own,” he said. “Once that happens, they’ll go after your character instead of your circumstances. Likely with a lawsuit if you are having any financial gains from the project.”

“But by acknowledging that I am both the author and their sibling, they are admitting that they are the source material for one of the villains, more than likely claiming that it’s a false accusation when I have evidence and they know it,” she said. “At which point I can either release the proof or wait for someone else to investigate it that isn’t a part of her direct bloodline and has no real stake in the situation, other than ethics. Either way, they’ll show their character by trying to destroy their own sister’s reputation, when their sister has openly admitted to working with demons regularly. To everyone that she tries to impress regularly, that looks more like they’re attacking a mentally ill person who's just trying to help people heal. Which they would be,” she added, shaking her head at the truth of the statement and how good it felt to release she’d be ok.

“I have taught you so well,” he said and she smiled at his feathery grin.

“Awe, thanks, buddy,” she beamed and he nodded before vanishing again with a tip to talk to Page. 43.

Walking back out to the stage, she called on Aphrodite who appeared in his tall, glory of curves and a halo of radiance that made her eyes burn.

“You’re in a good mood,” she said, shaking her head up at the goddess.

“I am happy you were able to see the warning in the cards so clearly and took care of it on your own with grace,” she said, which was high praise considering she was usually fussing about Iona being too obscene and profane.

“Forcus - focus on gaining eloquence and grace,” she said easily. “If it’s something that needs to be said, even if it’s hard to hear or admit, it doesn’t mean I have to be vicious. But I do have to address it. And, no one is going to hire a Shadow Worker that just attacks them instead of helping them face those hard truths or trust their advice on how to get through it.”

“Excellent,” Aphrodite said with a small clap as she grasped her fingers and beamed. “So, you’ve got a handle on the system?”

“Yes,” Iona said with a nod. “Gods warn and advise, demons teach and demonstrate. Synchronicity is there to show it’s not a coincidence. But, I honestly don’t know how I’m ever going to get clients,” she added shaking her head. “First of all, I don’t tell fortunes, so setting up a booth somewhere to get started building my reputation isn’t going to happen. The cards are just the tools I use to make sure I’m tuned in to the right spirit and not someone else’s. But, with the risk of demon possession being so high, since there’s what, with Eurynome, I’m up to sixteen, so that fifty-three still in the deck? That’s a pretty high risk to encounter a lesson I may or may not have had an experience I can use to demonstrate that I have already learned it and know why they are making an appearance to avoid having to exorcise them. I may not get a new legion out of it, but I have plenty of voices in my head at this point, I don’t need anymore. But, to make it worth it should the worst happen, I’d have to get $500 upfront plus any travel and lodging expenses, and an extra $100 for every demon I have to draw to get the point across when they refuse to accept the regular tarot cards and my personal expertise. And that’s just to cover the After Care before whatever is left goes to paying off debts. I ran that past Belphagor first thing this morning when I woke up feeling emotionally sandblasted and angry as hell for no reason.”

“Which one is he?” Aphrodite asked.

“Beware of inspiration that seems too good to be true and ideas that seem like easy money with little work required,” she rattled off. “He laughed and said I could be the Shadow Worker to the Stars because they’re the only ones that could afford my ass. He thought it was hilarious until I pointed out that I might find a niche there, considering I can see through any façade to the person beneath it. Imagine how many actors could use someone to help untangle them from their characters when they go too far down the rabbit hole with it,” she said with a shrug.

“I mean, you’re not wrong,” Aphrodite said, considering it.

“I told him it was a long shot of the highest caliber and that I’d still, most likely end up working for minimum wage the rest of my life. But, as long as I can say I tried and offer the light touch services for free in the Discord for those who need help with their Shadow Work, like Cassia, I’ll be fine. I’m still doing something that comes naturally, so I know I’d be good at it, now that I’ve worked the bugs out of the system,” she added. “That shut him up.”

“Good girl,” she said, patting Iona on the head lightly and making her scalp tingle.

“Although, if that happens there is at least one person that I am going to have to apologize to for my neurotic behavior if we ever cross paths again,” she said. “Poor woman had no idea she was talking to me in the throes of demon possession, emotions and reactions cracked to eleven when she was so sweet and I started turning into the March Hare with social anxiety. I reached out and asked her advice on how to get rid of writer’s block and she was kind enough to answer with some that helped me feel better, which got me writing with my Tiefling again.”

“Oh, yes, I remember her,” Aphrodite said. “Satine Phoenix,” she added and Iona nodded.

“It was just a recommendation for a cartoon to watch, but it broke me out of the worst of the Oppression and got me to start exorcising them,” she said. “At midnight every New Years Eve, regardless of who I’m with, I look up at Selene and make a wish, and it’s always the same one, that everyone connected to the spirit that made me smile when I needed it would able to feel how much that meant, so they can start the New Year with the feeling of pure, unconditional love. That year, I included her, too. Then, I made the mistake of forgetting that she and I had never met in person and to her, I’m just a stranger, turned into a whirling ball of neurosis and social anxiety, inevitably embarrassing myself,” she said with a sigh.

“I don’t think she would be the type to hold that against you once she learned the truth,” Aphrodite pointed out.

“I know she’s not,” Iona said. “She really is the Herald of Compassion; that’s not a façade, she’s just like that,” she added. “If she wasn’t she would have never connected with me in the first place because compassion was what I needed right then and been so kind. I would have felt the superficiality as soon as she connected. I just put her off by being a psycho, that’s all. That’s the only reason I’m not going to try and rip the Band-Aid off by sending her the link to my stuff. That and I don’t want her to think I’m trying to get her endorsement. If she is meant to find me again, she will. If not, I’ll still send her love every New Year. Oh, but that does remind me of something we can do to keep you from going full Lady Dimitrescu from hanging around the demons too much,” she added, looping her arm through the goddess’s and pulling her backstage.

“Oh, do we get to watch a romance?” she asked with an excited glitter to her eyes.

“I was thinking more along the lines of doing my star chart,” she said, shaking her head. “I enlisted your help to teach the art of self-love, not romantic love.

“Oh, poo,” she pouted. “You work too much.”

“Tis the way of the those who don’t know how to relax,” she said. “Job is done, move onto the next.”

“Though, I am glad to see it doesn’t pain you so much being around me,” she added.

“Oh, it does, especially when you start trying to get me to be all romantic and shit,” she said. “But, that’s also why I wanted to get your help with my start chart. I promise I will relent and give in to the girlish notion that there somebody out there for me for a hot minute so you can bask in the poetry of it. After, we work on self-discovery and how to cultivate love as an independent spirit. Just because I’m still a hopeless romantic, no matter how cynical, doesn’t mean that promoting True Love is the right answer, especially if someone is only trying to Shadow Work to get it. Then, all they’re doing is reflecting the one they think is their True Love, shaping themselves to their desires to ensnare them, instead of standing on their own. And while we’re at it, you can help me figure out how to link the astronomy brain to the astrology brain.”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Aphrodite said. “Astronomy is the science and study of the Celestial Bodies, their positioning, and make-up, as well as the light refracted from them. We all know the light is a form of energy, so Astrology is the study of how the energy they reflect onto the Earth affects the spirit.”

“Thank you,” Iona said simply, ever grateful for the goddess.

“So does that mean we can do compatibility charts?” she asked.

“Maybe later,” she said as she sat down at her computer to input her information. “Right now, I just want to see how well it really does map the core personality.”

“Don’t forget the time and location,” Aphrodite said as she started to go for the broader option.

“Shaxori Fiendline, Pronoun: She, Tampa, FL, United States, 11/30/1985, 23:38,” she said as she typed it out into a free Natal Chart site. “I can’t get any more specific unless I get the GPS coordinates for the hospital,” she added as she waited for it to load. “Oh, holy fuck, she said as she looked at the information. This is like 21 pages of information. I’m going to have to put a link in the Discord with the other reference materials and articles I found.”

“Go ahead and skip the Sun sign,” Aphrodite said. “You’re so stereotypical in yours.”

“Hey,” she said. “I resemble that remark.”

“That’s not a bad thing,” the goddess pointed out. “It means you’re good, idealistic, enthusiastic, and warm-hearted. You’re also independent, having a taste for travel and freedom. Oh, and, curious and fair-minded,” she said with a nod.

“I’m also too stupid to be scared, smart enough to know better and too dumb to quit, and an adrenalin junkie,” she said.

“It says Possible issues may include being too adventurous,” the goddess started.

“No such thing,” Iona interrupted.

“Rebellious and sometimes tactless when offering opinions,” she added pointedly and Iona started giggling. “And you’re a risk-taker.”

“Yeah, that’s a fair cop,” she said.

“Oh, honey, keep reading,” Aphrodite said and Iona knew she was going to regret it. Twenty minutes, later, after reading it all and ending up feeling naked and called out by the universe, it wasn’t instant regret. It was the slow-growing kind that just seemed to compound as she kept reading it. Every time she tried to look away and find something else to do, Aphrodite brought her eyes back to it. “And you thought you were hard to explain,” she said.

“Shutty,” Iona said to the goddess, causing her to laugh. It wasn’t often that Iona didn’t have a comeback, but she didn’t have any words except, “yeah, star charts can be an excellent way to get the cartography of the spirit,” she added, nodding to herself. “Especially when it’s this in-depth. It even caught a few things that I had a nu-uh reaction to that made me pause and think, now, wait a minute. If I’m so insistent that that negative attribute, isn’t me, how can I prove it?”

“And, if you can’t?” she asked.

“I’ll just make note of it and watch for that kind of behavior in myself,” she said. “Like, here, it says that I tend to be jealous. When I think of jealousy, I think of Darren and what he did was abusive. But, when I think about it from the stance that there is a difference between jealousy and envy, I get it. Jealousy stems from the fear of losing what is dear. Envy stems from the desire to obtain something that belongs to someone else. Since my biggest fear is losing those, I love, I tend to turn into a barnacle until I’m comfortable enough putting distance between us. However, that behavior can be the exact reason for them wanting the distance. Fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if left unchecked, so I have to watch out for that. But, like the pettiness described in -32 Square between Mercury – Ascendant, I know I have a predisposition for it because of the toxicity I’ve always lived with. But I don’t like being petty, it doesn’t feel good, so I’ve accepted that no matter what is said, someone will always find it offensive. I’d rather not be the one getting all twisted up about it or spurring it on by glorifying it in conversation. I would much rather live my own life and form my own opinions,” she said easily. Oh, here’s one you’ll find funny: lots of activity as far as love is concerned - may enjoy full sex life. Ha! I have only had, what, five partners in my life and I’m basically Ace at this point.”

“Only because you don’t have a partner you can connect with enough to kickstart your Divine Feminine,” Aphrodite said with a sour expression.

“I have no issues with my Divine Masculine giving the Big Dick Energy I need to get shit done,” Iona said.

“Yes, but with your Divine Feminine in full swing, that Big Dick Energy is nothing more than a solid pole for you to dance on,” she said, giving Iona a fluid movement that screamed femineity as an example of her regal, sensual poise and grace as opposed to Iona’s gruffness.

“Maybe if I ever have an audience of one,” she said. “But, for right now, the only dancing I’m doing is barefoot in the garden, with Selene, to do my cleansing. Oh, speaking of which, I need to talk to Brooms.”

“Why do you need to talk to a broom?” Aphrodite asked.

“No, goofball, Brooms,” she said with a snort as she shook her head. “Page 43. Focus on home and hearth, cleansing, and purification. My mother keeps coming out into the Family Room to interrupt me while I’m working because she saw me smiling, knows I’m in a good mood and wants to feed off it. I need to talk to Brooms about cleansing the space and keeping her out of it.”

“That makes sense,” she said with a nod. “She can’t hear us because she’s so deep in her own shadow, so you’re asking the demons to run interference. Do you have a mark from Brooms?”

“No, but I’m not at risk for possession from them,” she said. “They know full well I know how to cleanse and will try to start doing it regularly. Worst case scenario, if I forget to cleanse for too long, Brooms will just make me feel icky until I do it.”

“You want to take a break and get that done while you’re thinking about it?” she asked.

“I’ll tell you what,” she said. “Normally, I would wait for nightfall when the ‘rents are asleep and the world is quiet. However, it does feel like it’d be a good thing to do it now. I will take a break and go outside to the garden, ask Apollo to stand in for Selene if he doesn’t mind dancing with one of Lucifer’s students, but only if you pick the music.”

“I love that idea,” she said.

“Just no angsty bullshit,” Iona added.

“Fine, just no RomComs, please,” she said.

“Deal,” the goddess said easily, instantly making Iona suspicious.