Now that the stage is built, I can take a moment to introduce my avatar to you. Since it was with her skin that I remembered myself again, might as well use her. Same height and similar build, though the Divine Feminine is always on point, I would like to introduce you to my Tiefling became a Bard to learn the Healing Spells and forgot about her crippling stage fright, so she switched to Artificer and moonlit as a Rouge. Put that together and you get a maker who’s agoraphobic and is an expert at hiding, who also does magic. Ta-Da! Snow-white skin, top to bottom, black lips, claws, and small goat horns in a long nest of sapphire. And, yes, my human hair is the same color and her skin color is a nod to the fact that I glow in the dark I’m so pale. And the small goat horns are not a nod to her age or Lucifer, Baphomet, or any other Divine figure. It was a decision made for practical reasons. That way I could cosplay as myself, everyone would think it was a character, and if I fell asleep with my horns on, I wouldn’t end up with a crick in my neck for having impractical ram-buns.

In costume, I might look like a Goth, even though I’m really not. I haven’t got nearly enough fashion sense. I wear black printed t-shirts and jeans all the time because it’s comfy and I don’t have to think about it. When I was in High School, I used to hang out with the Goths, but I knew it was because they like playing paper dolls and I allowed it. To me, it felt like wearing costumes and Halloween had always been my favorite because I got to be somebody else for a while. When I asked a Goth friend of mine why they put up with my naivety even though I wasn’t Goth, they said it was because I was an outsider. I got that. I hovered on the edges of a lot of social circles without really belonging to them, so I understood why I would be seen as an outsider. But, being on the outside means I get to watch people in their natural habitat. Sitting back in a public spot, preferably one that was either scenic or had coffee nearby, if not both, is incredibly relaxing. To me, it’s fun to make up what conversations they're having or come up with histories for them that are totally absurd to amuse myself with. Play spot the serial killer.

But I digress, once again, mostly to give you chance to picture my avatar sighing wistfully and looking up nostalgically as I thought about being the weirdo who’s always staring out the window at things. See what I did there? Now you can easily picture my avatar standing center stage in the Blackbox Theater, speaking and emoting with confidence. The reason for this is because, when I write in my diary, I’m addressing the audience anyway. Might as well give those who have the ability to visualize scenes a little mental eye candy. So, as I sit in my chair off to the side and read from my personal fairytale book as a Tiefling, I can set the scene for the next installment of Real Life Intervenes, staring me as a human.

After taking some time to hammer out the stagecraft of writing with the Twins, I decided it was time for a break. I moved to one of the three locations I usually am, outside of the bathroom, going from my bedroom where I’d just woken up, to my corner desk in the Family Room. Shortly after sitting down, looking for all the world like Grumpy Cat in human form, I sent a message to Cassia letting her know I was taking a break for a while and asking her how she was doing.

*****

Cassia — 06/18/2021

That's good you get a break. Today, since I feel like absolute dog shit, didn't write, however, I did verbally talk a bit about my Shadow Work. Also made some interesting discoveries for future reference

Iona — 06/18/2021

Sweet.

Help me satisfy my After Care requirements Emotionally, Mentally, and Socially by talking about spirituality as a science and just generally being my sister.

What were your discoveries?

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Okay, so I went to a few cultural groups and groups based in New Orleans Voodoo/Hoodoo.

*****

Already, I am recognizing the hand of the gods in this instance, considering the subject matter of the last round of Spiritual Simulations before the set building. But I didn’t tell Cassia this.

*****

Cassia — 06/18/2021 Cnt’d

Talking to others who know my deities better than I do. That dived me down a well of ferreting out cheats and liars and people who just want money. Now, I'm not talking about the movie version, "imma hex you," bad publicity VooDoo, I'm talking about the actual spirituality and belief system that developed before it was exploited.

However, I did make a fascinating discovery. Sadly, the history of black people isn't pretty...but can influence the most random of things.

I do not have the time nor money to be inducted into "proper voodoo practices" but by following the path of blacks who moved and the people they interacted with and made friends with I have instead found a solution to how am I gonna keep in service to Mama B and the Baron once I move.

You once said that they want a fresh perspective, hence why I need the physical bits to help them attach so they can follow me when I move. In North Carolina, there's a whole community of people that practice what appears to be Voodoo on a different scale. Appalachian "folk magic" is a thing and apparently was brought to the mountains by early slaves from the New Orleans area and others and it mixed with the beliefs from the Ozarks and natives and others. There are people Grizzly knows that practice that and when I was telling him about my shadow work and how I want to get more into service, noticed the similarities and know I have contacts for after we move.

So basically, this year is my working my shadow work to become the person I know I can be and then will prepare me to be more open towards the practice needed to fully express myself both physically and spiritually... plus gives the Baron and Mama B something new to experience that has enough old flavor to be familiar and yet wildly exciting and fresh

Iona — 06/18/2021

That is fantastic!

OMG, all the yes, I don't care how cliched or sarcastic those that statement sounds in text.

I love that. That feels good to me.

When you learn more about it, I would love you to teach me more, just for my own edification.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Hell, if you're in NC with us you can learn with me

Iona — 06/18/2021

I don’t do magic. I’m just a grown-up dumb kid who happens to be clairsentient and has a working understanding of the mechanics.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Ah makes sense. But in a way I see us bouncing ideas off each other

Iona — 06/18/2021

And I have no problem teaching you what I know.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Let me Shadow Work first because I realize I need to do that first because I tried learning magic before but my own issues prevented me from opening up to it completely

Iona — 06/18/2021

Oh, don't worry.

Every time I tried to do magic; I can track exactly how it blew up in my face when it backfired.

I went into it with the conviction of a child who truly believed in it, so I know that it worked, and I can prove it by the failures I have had in finances and romance because those were what I was spelling for.

Then again, that's what happens when your Id is bigger than your Ego and you start to doubt that you are worthy of it.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

I can get that

But yeah, I tried before with the whole pagan path and trying to be a "witch."

But I was playacting and I knew it

Iona — 06/18/2021

Now you're in the Big Leagues.

And since you read so much as a kid, your mind is primed for visualization.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Sorry, I just remembered but you wanna know something funny?

Iona — 06/18/2021

Sure

Cassia — 06/18/2021

When I was contacting the voodoo and hoodoo practitioners about learning more about the Baron and Mama B....the response was near all the same at first

Iona — 06/18/2021

what was it?

Cassia — 06/18/2021

"Are you sure it's actually him, not Legba?" "Have you gotten a reading done at ? It's not really the Loa unless it comes from there." ".....are you Black?"

Iona — 06/18/2021

Wow...

*****

Fucking Gatekeeping

*****

Cassia — 06/18/2021

I get the last one cause lots of yt people trying to steal their shit again (remember that one chick who supposedly died from trying to use voodoo?)

*****

Not going to lie, I started to ask what Y.T. meant, then realized it was a way to type whit without typing it. Which lead to Cassia having to explain that her #BlackLivesMatter Groups were getting flagged for hate speech in response using the term White People.

Not going to get into it past clearing my throat with a smile that reads I’m-thinking-murder-thoughts as my inner March Hares threatens to break the surface.

White is not hate speech, it’s a descriptor.

If you think it’s hate speech when there’s nothing hateful about its use, look in the mirror.

You’re the problem.

*****

Iona — 06/18/2021

That explains why I never heard back from them.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Yeah probably

Apparently, it's really bad

They even had to screen the groups now

Iona — 06/18/2021

And no, I don't remember someone dying because of Voodoo practice. I have heard of them dying because they went to a fake and got poisoned, but that's about it.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Apparently from what I read, some yt chick decided to "put a hex" on some other chick cause of either a boy or drama I don't remember exactly but she tried to "summon" the Baron, and instead, Legba showed up and she later "died from a curse"

I think she tried to do some voodoo stuff without knowledge and fucked herself up

Iona — 06/18/2021

And I get the Legba question. The Baron is the King of the Voodoo Underworld, but Legba is the gatekeeper.

Most people are brought in through Legba and then get noticed by the Baron.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

That's one of the reasons when you said it was the Baron, I was so surprised

Cause like...he's like the exclusive club owner and Legba is the bouncer

Iona — 06/18/2021

Dude, I'm Diamonas and my best friends on the other side consist of Lucifer, Phobos, and Deimos. Our whole shtick, to tell you the truth, is connecting the Underworlds by way of the Abyss since it spans all of existence.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Lmao, I know but it was still surprising. It was like me getting an acceptance to a college I didn't apply for because they found my test results (true story)

Iona — 06/18/2021

see, that's what I am talking about when I say there is proof if you know where to look for it.

shit like that is how I see the gods’ influence. just look for all of the absurd shit in your personal history. Not the shit that is absurd because of how fucked up and traumatizing it is, but the stuff that leaves us speechless.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Did I not tell you that story?

Iona — 06/18/2021

No, you did not.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Okay so, storytime

Iona — 06/18/2021

yes, please

*****

Settles in with the popcorn.

*****

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Back in high school, I full on planned to get away from Linda (my grandma), and being an intelligent person, I decided I'd do that for college

So, my junior and senior year were mostly APs and I took the SAT exactly once

So, you know what the perfect score for the SAT was before they redid it?

It's now, I believe, 2400. it used to be 1800. Sis, my first time taking the damn test I made 1730. I was in the 97th percentile and my dad told me I had scored 500 points more than he had and he was a freaking Toastmaster and in MENSA.

So, what I didn't know then was the SAT keeps a record of high scores and colleges can access this list for scholarship reasons and other stuff (basically prevent lying)

So, the only schools I applied to at the time were Converse College in SC, Ithaca College in NY, and Harvard. Not only did I get accepted by them, but then the weird thing happened and I got letters of acceptance from other schools I never applied too but they found me through that list

Vanderbilt in TN, Queens in NC, Drexel, UCLA, University of Florida, and fucking like a dozen others

I say these school names not to be a bragging bitch but just for context

Iona — 06/18/2021

No, I get it.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

So yeaaaaah. You using your connections to get me to the Baron instead of going through Legba reminded me of that

Iona — 06/18/2021

I didn’t use my connections, I got tapped whether I liked it or not. They wanted you and knew that I could get that message across to you. You got their attention yourself.

But, that is what I mean by everyday magic. You put the intent out there of going to college to get away from your grandmother, then back the intent with a shit-ton of hard work and the universe responded. You tried three and you got back more than you had intended. Think of that in the context of every god that could be throwing their hat in the ring to offer their help.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Hmmm never thought of it that way before

Iona — 06/18/2021

You have proven that you can, in fact, focus your intent, which is how you got their attention.

Magic is nothing more than sending a message to the universe and getting an answer. If you work with the gods, you can address your message to them and be able to see their influence by knowing their personalities enough to recognize when they have a hand in it.

Pretty sure Loki was behind the Bear Mace incident.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

*Snorts* it's chaotic enough for him.

Oh, ugh, and speaking of the universe yelling at me.

You know how I said this is my last semester of school coming up until after the move?

Got a text earlier today that the program I'm using to pay for school is ending and this semester is the last one they'll cover

So, like perfect timing, I guess?

Iona — 06/18/2021

LMMFAO!!!!

Also, Murphy just messaged me with his feedback.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Oh?

*****

Enter: The Sandman, Murphy, Analyzer of Nightmares, i.e. Behavioral Psychologist with an Occult Background and a sense for spiritual origins and activity. Or, more easily put, a Demon Magnet. He was a friend I’d made in D&D game online and, when the time came to find someone who could provide a more Scientific brain for my budding Shadow Worker Group on Discord, I immediately thought of him.

To keep from having to type it all out, I merely copied and pasted his feedback for her to read.

*****

Murphy — Today at 11:33 PM

What I've read so far is quite interesting. I can definitely feel the space but feel that I'm an interloper - the requisite observer lurking on the edge of the periphery, as I ever am. So I wonder, where do I fit in? In my own head-space, I draw strong parallels to the integration of the Shadow (see Jung). But again, I am just the witness, transient and ephemeral. I note what I feel needs noting and move about to interact in the most diaphanous sense.

The idea of personification of gods is also strongly reminiscent of Jung's archetypes, and it reinforces the pull towards integration.

Is this, perhaps, where you yourself are headed?

Iona — Today at 11:39 PM

yes, and I am extremely thankful you got that.

It wasn't intentional but it helps to know there are parallels, which is what I was hoping would happen once I got your take on it. I have not studied Jung, but I understand some of the principles.

Getting through Shadow Work is getting through the fear of being seen for the most part. I invited you into the group because I knew you would be an interloper and would be able to see things I missed. If you decide to embrace the spiritual side of things, I was also hoping to be able to walk you through it as a semi-novice to the whole scene.

Murphy — Today at 11:44 PM

I was an occultist long before I was a psychologist. :wink:

Iona — Today at 11:44 PM

That explains so much...

You do know Lucifer is the patron god of therapists, right?

Phobos and Deimos also have their hats in the ring, but Lucifer has been at it longer.

Murphy — Today at 11:45 PM

The job of the therapist is illumination. Who better than the light bearer?

Iona — Today at 11:45 PM

Exactly

*****

Cassia’s response?

*****

Cassia — 06/18/2021

....I like him.

*****

Having him on board, and gaining his consent to add any material I got from the chat for the project, I decided it was time to call together the first meeting of the Diamonas. There are really only the three of us, but I’m hoping we'll find more like us soon.

*****

Iona — 06/18/2021

Woop Woop! Hey, @Murphy @Cassia, get your sexy asses in here and get to know each other.

You two are both helping me out with the very project this group was created for. Might as well get the intros over with.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

*insert adorable cartoon cat waving in greeting*

Murphy — 06/18/2021

:slight_smile: hello.

Cassia — 06/18/2021

Nice to meet you. Technically

Murphy — 06/18/2021

The pleasure is mine.

Iona — Yesterday at 12:00 AM

Ok, I am going to sum up why I have brought us together. If at least once a week we could meet up in the general and have these discussions, that would be fabulous. Cassia is trying to find her faith through her Shadow Work and the deities while I try to explain things. Getting your help, Murphy, drawing parallels in philosophy actually helps me feel like I know what I'm doing. Having both of you together means I don't have to bounce back and forth between screens and I feel like including everybody would be a good thing. So, you have both read through to Chapter Two, so you know where I am at with it, and I already shared the parallel comments up to Lucifer being the patron god of therapists with Cassia.

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:01 AM

That seems like a nice idea.

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:01 AM

Indeed.

So, naturally, I'm inclined to ask questions.

Iona — Yesterday at 12:03 AM

Ask away, Murph.

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:04 AM

Faith in what and why the desire to seek it out?

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:04 AM

Oh, fuck hit me with the hard questions out the gate lmao :joy:

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:05 AM

:stuck_out_tongue:

Iona — Yesterday at 12:05 AM

That's what he does and I love it.

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:05 AM

*eyerolls* the curse of being intelligent AND curious

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:05 AM

Well, yeah...nice to meet you. Let's rip into your very being, shall we?

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:05 AM

Typical man. Wants me to bear my innermost self without even a drink first snorts

Just kidding

I'm usually the blunt honest one in most groups

Iona — Yesterday at 12:06 AM

Feels weird being on the other side of it, huh?

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:06 AM

Yes now I understand why people didn't like me

Iona — Yesterday at 12:07 AM

LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:07 AM

snorts

Iona — Yesterday at 12:07 AM

Behold! The Ego!

Now, are you going to answer his question or are you going to avoid it as usual?

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:08 AM

Well it wouldn't be very fair if I didn't answer I'm just trying to figure out how to word it

Iona — Yesterday at 12:08 AM

ok

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:08 AM

You understand most of my weird comments so I'm trying to not sound like I'm speaking another language to a new person

Iona — Yesterday at 12:09 AM

Dude, he speaks my crazy fluently. He can understand you, it's just a different dialect.

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:09 AM

Heh.

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:09 AM

So, like Northern English and Southern "English"

Iona — Yesterday at 12:10 AM

Sure, we'll go with that.

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:12 AM

Anyway, to answer.... I'm in recovery. I'm a burned-out former gifted child who has had standardized "religion" shoved down my throat and had been constantly searching for a guide or purpose as to why I'm here and how I'm supposed to live

For years I was told how to think and then punished when I thought for myself. I was also a very intelligent yet naive person who would have been prime serial killer bait if not for something keeping an eye on me in life

By getting started in Shadow Working, I am not only trying to recover from my trauma but also recognize that I inherited/absorbed toxic behavior I needed to survive and am no longer in that situation

That's the best way I can say that without getting into personal details. And yes, sis, you may use any bits that help you

Iona — Yesterday at 12:15 AM

:kiss:

That's good, though. I'm proud of you for being honest in your answer.

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:16 AM

So, ultimately what you're seeking is yourself then?

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:16 AM

No, I'm seeking the person I should have been

I let personal issues and toxic people change me, therefore I must find who I was supposed to be if I hadn't been changed so early

I am, currently, what I would best describe as (and I'm totally stealing this from a fanfiction I've read that I love but it makes sense) a broken mirror. Reflecting bits and pieces of what once was but also what I've made myself appear to be for other people's sake

I'm trying to find the reflection that originally was there before.

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:19 AM

*loopback link to his own post*

Iona — Yesterday at 12:20 AM

Is that you saying, please refer to my last question?

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:20 AM

lol Yes.

But as a statement rather than a question.

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:20 AM

Lmao i suppose

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:22 AM

Is it important for you to excise the indoctrination or preferably come to terms with it, make it your ally, and then use it to forge yourself in your own image?

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:23 AM

Honestly, I'm not sure as of yet. I probably need more work before I can answer that

Iona — Yesterday at 12:23 AM

He's just asking if you are willing to cut through the bullshit and meet it head on. That way you can be the person you are without the trauma and toxicity.

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:23 AM

Well I mean, isn't that the point?

Iona — Yesterday at 12:24 AM

Yes, but he's ensuring conviction in it. No Tourists

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:24 AM

The point of integration is to accept and let go, and then move on.

Nostalgia is attachment to the past, real or imagined, and can weigh you down. It's also a comfortable place of respite. and easy to return to.

Iona — Yesterday at 12:25 AM

Which of the scientific parallels are those?

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:25 AM

Buddhist.

Iona — Yesterday at 12:26 AM

Ah

The Blackbox Theater a good example of that in action?

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:27 AM

I can see that.

Iona — Yesterday at 12:28 AM

Cool. You still with us @Cassia?

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:29 AM

Yes, I'm here

There wasn't anything to add from my end yet lmao

Iona — Yesterday at 12:33 AM

Ok, so, when it comes to the Shadow Working aspect of things, what it boils down to is your identity, inside as well as out, and embracing the weirdness that makes you unique. I'm going to pose a theory and I would like both of your input from it as an exercise in Shadow Work.

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:35 AM

Sure.

Iona — Yesterday at 12:39 AM

If one were to try and figure out who I am, looking at it on paper, they could look at a lot of sources and never figure it out. Looking at my work history, I started in the haunted houses moving into the Ren Fair and a couple of theater projects before working in a porn store for a year and a half, then a sudden hard shift into customer service that has lasted up until I tried to start a maker business that folded due to me trying to do it with the wrong help. That is the road map to what I have done in the past to make money, but it's not who I am. Flipping the resume over, there is a character sheet on the back of it that reads, Witch, Artist, and Friendly Neighborhood Weirdo with aspirations to make the world a better place. But, at the core, I have found that I am still that little girl who chose to mentally escape from the trauma and wish on stars for a brighter future. Everything else is just an amalgamation of circumstances producing a whirling ball of neurosis and a constellation of anxieties, trying to find their place in the world.

So, as an exercise, I pose that you think along the same lines and try to look at yourself, not as a victim of trauma and circumstances, but as someone who has been priming their mind and biding their time to introduce themselves to the world. Who do you want to be when you grow up? What are the things that you have learned, not the details but the spirit, that make you feel good? Cassia, you find joy in helping people, but being a nurse is just the first step you found on that path that you could make money at. It doesn't define you.

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:43 AM

:thinking: hmm

Okay. Imma work on that with my next few exercises

Iona — Yesterday at 12:47 AM

Since Shadow Working is both intensely personal and private, not every method I use will work for everybody. With this, I’m trying new things to see what works and what doesn't, using myself as a guinea pig.

You said once that you have a fear of failure, but there is no way to fail with Shadow Work except to give up on it.

Does it feel good without causing harm to yourself or other people? Yes? Go for it. The worst that can happen is that it won't feel as good as you thought it would, at which point you know that it's not for you. And don't be afraid to ask yourself, do I really like this as myself or am I reflecting my trauma?

Cassia — Yesterday at 12:50 AM

Makes sense

Iona — Yesterday at 12:51 AM

Murphy? Do you agree with that, disagree, or have something to add?

also, I'm totally making business cards that read: Shaxori Fiendline, Shadow Worker

*****

That last comment, at the time, was just me being an ass, but now I’m actually considering it.

*****

Murphy — Yesterday at 12:52 AM

Heh.

No, it's a good exercise/starting point.

Iona — Yesterday at 12:52 AM

Sweet! Then we have the starting point that I totally skipped when I started...

This is why the warnings come after the spells. “Oh, so that’s what happens when I do that.”

*****

Class Exercise:

You are a blank canvas in your Id, you can be or do anything. If you were able to replace the bad with the good, who would you be now as a result? Who do you want to be when you grow up? What are the things that you have learned, not the details but the spirit, that make you feel good?