“So… what now?” She did a little dance, every nerve in her body begging her to run away.

“We just wait for a bit, calm down.”

Honey whispered. “Why is your mom here?”

“She’ll leave after talking to the reception, she promised.”

“Ok…” She chewed her thumb. Coming here was the dumbest mistake she had ever made. “This is so stupid… Can’t we just go home?”

“Do you want this to work or not?” Sonia pointed to her, then back to herself a few times.

“What are they even gonna do?”

“They’ll just talk to you and ask you questions okay?”

The receptionist announces her name and guides her towards a room. Another lady invites her in, asking the receptionist to prepare two cups of water, and the door obscures Sonia from view. It was now her and the therapist.

**

She sat down uncomfortably, sinking into the cushions, and held a pillow like a shield. The lights had a slight orange tint to its luminescence, and she wondered how loud Sonia would say it hummed; because according to her, they do. She heard all sorts of invisible sounds from electrical appliances, sounds that Honey had never heard in her life, which made her wonder if Sonia was going deaf or if she was.

The lady introduced herself, and called her by her full name, which sounded odd for some reason. “What brings you to my office today, Honey Candy?”

“Just Honey is fine.”

“Ok. What brings you to my office today, Honey?”

“Uh…” She looked at the door, trying to find Sonia with X-ray vision.

“Is something wrong?”

“No.”

“Is that your sister outside?”

“No… we’re friends.”

“Ok. It’s really nice of her to accompany you here.”

“Yeah…” She gave a stupid smile.

“Are you two dating?”

“What! How do you know?” Her mind-reading powers reminded her of Sonia.

“I saw you two holding hands earlier, how’s that going?”

“Uh… fine.”

“Why did you say she was your friend earlier?”

“Huh?”

“When I asked you who she was, you referred to her as your ‘friend’ even though you’re dating, why is that?”

She swallowed a ball of air. So it seems she had to answer these types of questions for the next hour. “Well, we aren’t officially together, we-” Wait, should she spill the beans to this random lady? What would Sonia think about this? Honey stopped herself, “It’s complicated.”

“How so?”

“I don’t,..want to…”

“That’s ok, we can talk about something else then.”

Honey nodded, and took a sip of water.

“So what brings you here?”

“Uh… she- her mother… sent me here.”

“Do you think you need to be here?”

She shook her head.

“Why not?”

“There’s nothing wrong with me.” She knew that was false.

“Yet they sent you here. It must be frustrating.”

“Yeah.”

“But since you’re here, why don’t we make the most out of it?”

“Ok…”

She proceeded to explain her occupation, which gave Honey a clearer picture of the situation at hand. From what the therapist described, Honey shuddered at the conclusion that she probably had to open up about her horrendous past, where she acted inhumane.

For Sonia, she thought, interrupting her mid-explanation. “I… live alone.”

“Oh?”

“I ran away from home two years ago… and now I live alone…”

She kept silent, which pressured Honey to elaborate.

“Well… they chased me out of the house, because I was being… Anyway, when I ran I kind of… Nevermind. But… yeah, basically that’s what happened.”

“How is it like living alone?”

“Lonely.”

“And what does loneliness feel like?”

“Terrible. It makes me cry every single night.”

“Every night?”

She nodded, only now did she begin to realise why she needed this.

“How long has this been going on?”

“I don’t know… since… so long ago, I can’t remember.”

“I see. That doesn’t sound good.”

She shook her head in agreement. Only now did it dawn on her truly how problematic her nightly routine was. “But… I haven’t been crying recently.”

“Oh, why’s that?”

She looked to the door, approximating where Sonia sat outside.

“Does she help you cope with your loneliness?”

She nodded. “That’s why we aren’t technically together officially. She doesn’t want me to become codependent on her.”

“That’s good. What do you plan to do to no longer be codependent on her?”

“I don’t know… come here? We made a promise to each other. I have to survive feeling lonely without her help, and she has to tell me why I love her without me telling her.”

“May I know why you love her?”

“Ok…” She flushed her cheeks. “Well… she’s-” She wanted to die inside. “-pretty. And she’s always there for me no matter how embarrassing I’m being.” She chuckled, taking a sip of water to cool her facial temperature down. “She looks so good in dresses even though she never wears them. She’s also really strong… which is… kinda…” She covered her face, feeling warm inside.

“I see. She sounds great.”

She nodded. “She’s awesome.”

“Why do you think she loves you?”

Honey froze. Being the ultimate hypocrite, she can’t answer that question either. “Well… I don’t… But I know that no matter how terrible I am she’ll still love me.” She teared up.

“Do you think you deserve her love?”

She shook her head firmly.

“Why?”

She shrugged her shoulders. The reasons were insurmountable, yet she couldn’t find the words to articulate them.

“What made your parents chase you out of the house, Honey?”

Backed into a corner, she desperately sought for a way out.

“I don’t… I- I forgot.” Her lips quivered otherwise.

“Are you sure?”

She thought back to her promise. If anything can induce negative emotions it would be answering that question, and all she needed to do after was to weather through it alone and she would’ve fulfilled her promise.

“Ok, fine! But after I answer, I want you to leave me alone.”

“Ok.”

“I’ll cry, and then if I can go through it myself, I’ll fulfil my promise to her.”

“Ok. I’ll leave after you answer the question.”

“They chased me out because I was being a monster!” A mountain lifted off her chest. “I was selfish, and whiny, and I was spoilt, and then they just reached their limit with me! It’s all my fault I live alone, I did this to myself, and as if that wasn’t bad enough when I ran away I stole their credit card! And I withdrew all the cash inside before they could cancel it and then used that money to pay my rent every month. I even bought some fancy perfume that I don’t even use just to show them I had their money! I am so disgusting, why would she love me? What’s there to love, I don’t deserve love, I don’t deserve anything! I deserve to be lonely, I deserve my dirty flat. No matter how much I clean it there’s always dust everywhere, and it makes me want to burn down the whole flat, but where else would I live? I bullied my brother to death, made him depressed just like me, and I made my parents’ hair turn grey, I destroyed all his toys, and then cried because his toys were more expensive, I made fun of him for being deaf, and then made fun of his sign language, in fact I learnt sign language just to make fun of him- god- I’m so disgusting! Ugh!” She breathed fire.

“Sounds like you’re ashamed of yourself. Would you like me to leave the room now?”

She nodded, covering her face with a pillow. The therapist obliged, leaving with her cup of water and shut the door behind her. Honey expected her to scoff and mouth our a passive-aggressive ‘Wow’, and then have a laugh with the receptionist about how disgusting and ugly her new patient was. And the therapist would regret ever answering her phone call, and drop her as a patient the moment her session ended. Sonia would ask the therapist what she had said, and then laugh along, regretting ever getting together with her.

Sonia would demand a break-up, and her mother would give her a disappointing glance and ban her from coming to her house or eating her food ever again. Honey would return to her dilapidated apartment and even if she died, no one would care, or come to her funeral let alone hold it. Her corpse would lay decomposed by her bed, free of bugs and worms because even insects wanted nothing to do with her. She hated herself with a burning passion like no other.

No wonder she had to resort to manipulation and lying to hook Sam in. He would’ve stopped liking her the moment he catches a whiff of her disgusting history. He would kick her out of the club if he did know, and send her to the streets. Everyone would push her away, squeezing her in the unwanted corner of the room while the party rages on everywhere else.

She began bashing her head in with the pillow, sobbing for the who-knows-how-many-millionth time. That’s her signature move, in fact that was her only move, the only act she could accomplish; crying like a baby. A spoiled baby crying at the sight of vegetables in his lunch, demanding michelin-star baby food. Who in the world would love someone like that? Being spoilt was one of the most detestable traits a human could possess right beside perversion and arrogance.

**

An unknown amount of crying later, she reached for her cup of water, and remembered Sonia again. Everything she ever did for her despite her disappointment. It’s impossible to make her leave, but why? What’s making her stay? She wanted to leave the room and lay on her shoulder whilst looking for answers, but that wasn’t the pact they sealed.

She wiped her tears away, and put on her thinking cap. She can’t fulfil her promise if she stays as a can of worms forever. She needed to figure this out for her sake, Sonia’s sake, and their sake. Maybe she might have been shameless in the past, but she needn’t punish herself for it in the present. A spoilt baby, she realised, was still a baby nonetheless; clueless on how to behave appropriately. She acted like a child her whole life, but never spoke to herself like one. Scolding a whining child does nothing but backfire, which meant Honey had to speak to herself differently.

Being one in spirit with that of a whining five-year old, Honey began speaking to herself in that context. She needed to be calm and reassuring, because that was all a whining child asked for; reassurance. “It’s okay if you didn’t get… the most expensive toy.” Shame burnt her cheeks with every word, but she pressed on. “It’s okay to feel upset… and scolding you for feeling upset does nothing… so I’m not gonna do that.”

She couldn’t appear any dumber, but luckily, no one was around to watch. She slowly delved back into silence, and noticed her tears reducing in quantity. “You… just have to apologise… and move on. I’m sorry for shouting at you.” And for some reason, she started smiling uncontrollably.

Five minutes of uncontrolled smiling later, she walked out of the room, and went to Sonia immediately.

“Are you okay?” Sonia asked.

Honey nodded and held her hands. “Ok… I completed my… thing. I’m waiting on you now.” She gave her a warm hug.

“Wha- Real- what happened?”

“I told you. I made my promise.” She smiled. “Now it’s your turn.”