Chapter XL

The following morning, Jay once again found himself following after Alice in complete confusion. She had stated the previous night that there was somewhere she wanted to go before they went to school and so, she had gotten him up earlier than usual. He was still utterly exhausted. He might have been asleep for days but Lilly hadn’t been and thus, her body felt groggy and sleep-deprived when Alice woke him up. The previous night had been long, after all.

Once Alice had showered both of their bodies, she had kept Jay close and the two of them had fallen asleep side by side like they had when they were kids, though Jay found himself unable to doze off for what felt like hours. When the morning came, she took Lilly’s body again to dress her in her uniform then returned it to Jay. Once they were both dressed for school, they had some quick breakfast and took off.

He had no idea how he was supposed to pretend to be Lilly for an entire day, especially when he didn’t even know what most of her classes were. In addition, he had no idea where Lilly’s backpack was since she didn’t have it on her when they switched. Luckily, Alice had decided to send Eric Reiner a text asking for some help, but even if they heard back from him, Jay had a hunch that his stomach wasn’t going to settle.

He sighed, knowing he had no option but to follow Alice to wherever she wanted to go. She still had the stone so he was essentially stuck as Lilly until Alice decided to swap them back.

God, I don’t want to go to school. Not after everything that’s happened.

He especially couldn’t help but to think of Vinny. The night before, he had finally given in and told Alice the truth about what happened to Rina and she hadn’t given him any idea of what she was thinking. If his information destroyed their relationship, he’d never be able to forgive himself.

Although, then again…

“I forgive you, Jay. Stop beating yourself up over this. It’s not your fault.”

Until she said them, he hadn’t realized just how desperately he wanted to hear Alice speak those words. Their conversation had given him a lot to think about. The reason he had been so comfortable in finally ending his miserable existence was because he had been under the impression that he was doing everybody a favor. But now, he was being forced to question if that was really the case. Alice had passionately said that she didn’t want to live without him. She had shot down every argument he had and had insisted that even after everything, she still loved and cared about him more than she possibly could.

Lilly Harper, the girl he always feared he was no more than a nuisance to, had lent him her body so he could speak to Alice, knowing full well that his body could die at any moment, potentially with her still in it. She wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t want him to live. Even Eric Reiner had lent Lilly the stone knowing what she planned to do.

So why else would they do all this if not because they care? Was I wrong? Did I really misjudge everything this horribly?! Did my near-death really cause everybody this much pain?

“Ah, here we go.”

At Alice’s sudden murmur, he looked up in curiosity only to immediately realize where they were going. He’d been looking at his feet the whole time so he hadn’t noticed what neighborhood they were in. So, when he saw the pathway that led into the forest, his stomach churned all the more.

“We’re going to the hideout?”

Alice nodded. “Yup. And you’ll see why in just a moment.”

He couldn’t fathom what Alice wanted to show him and all he wanted to do was turn around and run. He didn’t feel like he deserved to go to that place ever again after what he did there last time. But of course, he couldn’t defy Alice. He had no choice but to simply follow behind her.

Even after so much time, he still remembered the way like he had been there just yesterday. Alice split off from the path and headed into the woods and, after a little while of walking through foliage, they arrived just outside the old, abandoned building. Alice grinned excitedly and quickened her pace toward it with Jay begrudgingly behind her. The pair stepped up onto the porch and Alice reached for the door. It was still unlocked from when he and Vinny had used it so it opened with ease. From there, Alice pulled him inside.

The interior was empty, as always, as they walked through the entry hall and to the main room where they used to always play. Just being there was enough to make him tense up at the recollection of both their attack on Evan and of all of his earlier, happier memories. The last time all four of them had been in this room had been just mere days before Audrey Moore passed away. It had been such a casual day that none of them ever realized it was their last.

“Alright, here we are,” Alice announced. “Sit down, Jay.”

Jay slowly obliged, taking a seat against the wall where she indicated. Once he was sitting, Alice lowered herself down to sit just in front of him, still smiling cheerfully, like this was any ordinary day. She inhaled softly, seeming to take in the dusty scent of the building. It was thicker than it used to be and yet, there was still a sense of nostalgia that he was sure was making Alice reminisce. Even Jay couldn’t help but to think back on everything they’d done there.

“Audrey’s gone,” Alice finally said, startling Jay. “Rina’s abandoned us and even betrayed us in many ways. And you, Jay, could have died last week. If you had, I would have been the only person still visiting this place.”

He frowned. “You still…?”

“Sometimes,” she answered. “It helps me to remember the good ol’ days. There have been a few times where I come here, sit right where you are, and just look around. If I try hard enough, I can even see memories of us. Try it. Look around.”

Jay nodded and turned away to look around the room. Despite his wanting to forget a lot of his past, he found that just looking made memories come back. He glanced to the corner and could see the four of them sitting in a circle, playing board games. When he looked elsewhere, he could see the many times Jay lifted one of the girls into his back so they could try and touch the ceiling. He recalled how they used to rush through the front door to go play tag in the surrounding woods. Jay and Alice were always the fastest and so, Audrey and Rina would gang up on them if they were “it”.

They were the good ol’ days, he thought. That’s for sure. What I wouldn’t give to go back to them. But of course, that’s never gonna happen. It’s impossible. One of us is gone and she’s never coming back, no matter how much we want her to.

“You see what I mean?” Alice asked after a moment.

He nodded weakly. “I do. I really miss them.”

“Yeah, I do, too. Here, let me show you something.”

She leaned forward and pointed at the corner to Jay’s left. He frowned and followed her finger to the spot on the wall she was indicating and, when he saw what she wanted him to, he felt the sudden urge to cry. There was something carved into the wall and the moment he saw it, he was hit with a wave of memories. It was a heart Audrey had carved with “Audrey+Jay” written inside.

He could hear Audrey’s voice echoing through his mind.

“Hear it now, Jay Brooks! One day, you and I are going to get married! Then, we’ll never be alone again! We can have kids and then we’ll be the best parents they could ask for!” We’ll show our own parents how it’s done!

Audrey had made that declaration to him when they were ten years old right after carving the sign into the wall and he still believed she had meant it. Over the years that followed, she referenced their “inevitable wedding” with a sly grin as if she were merely teasing him. However, he knew she had wanted that. He knew she’d had a crush on him and he’d never known how to deal with it. It was just another one of his regrets to add to his list.

“She never did realize you’re gay, did she?” Alice asked with a bemused grin.

Jay shook his head softly. “No, she didn’t. I mean, even I didn’t figure that out until after she passed.”

The girl laughed. “Fair point. And honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she suspected it. You were surrounded by girls and never once did you try and make a move on any of us.”

Jay shrugged. “You guys were my friends. Even if I was straight, I probably wouldn’t have. I think she knew that, too.”

“But you know, I don’t think it was an act or meant to tease you,” Alice said, putting words to his earlier thoughts. “I really think she cared about you. Rina and I loved Audrey but she had a bond with you that was special even among us. She treasured that and I know it was how she felt right through to the end.”

Jay clenched his teeth in an effort to fight back his tears and yet, he failed to hold them in. They just started rolling down his cheeks no matter how hard he tried to stop them. He was always so good at hiding his emotions but ever since waking up as Lilly, he’d been struggling to keep them at bay. Everything had been happening so fast that he could hardly keep up.

“So…” Alice continued, placing a hand on his leg to comfort him. “I know Audrey would be devastated if you killed yourself. If you go meet her in the afterlife too soon, she’ll never forgive you. She wanted you to be happy, Jay. So do I. So…the next time you think about trying to kill yourself, I want you to first think about this place and the people you made memories with here. You got that? Because you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone.”

Then, before he could choke out a response, Alice reached into her backpack and began rummaging in the pocket. For a second, he thought she was taking the gem out again but, when he saw what was in her hand, he realized what she was actually doing.

“Here. I want you to keep this with you,” Alice said, holding the necklace out to him.

He hesitantly reached out and took it. When he read the name on it, his suspicions were confirmed. It wasn’t his name written on the piece. It was Audrey’s.

“When you get back to your body, Lilly will take care of it,” Alice explained. “Then, when you’re awake, she’ll give it to you to wear. That way, you’ll always have a piece of Audrey close to your heart. Then, when the time comes, you’ll have it to reunite all the pieces again. Okay?”

Jay closed his fingers around the necklace and used his free hand to wipe the tears from his eyes. Was I really this blind? I truly thought everybody could just forget me. What am I supposed to do now? Can I really keep pressing forward? Do I even have the right to do that?

He looked down at the necklace laying in his palm, specifically at the name.

“I’m sure there’s a lot of cool places out there but…don’t give up on earth just yet. It’s not great, but it’s not bad either.”

Those were the words he had spoken to Audrey at the end of his memory and to this day, he still vividly remembered that moment.

Don’t give up on Earth just yet, huh? Am I supposed to take my own advice?

As he internally asked himself that question, he recalled Audrey’s response to him. He had woken up before she had said it in the dream but he still remembered it, word for word.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. Despite all the hell it’s put me through, Earth does have its bright sides. After all, you’re here, right? That’s one thing it’s got going for it!”

He closed his fingers around the necklace as his eyes started watering up again. He knew he no longer had a choice. He couldn’t die yet. He had to try to keep pressing on like he had all his life, if not for himself then for those around him.

For Lilly.

For Alice.

And for Audrey, the girl who wasn’t there anymore, who had moved on to a place he shouldn’t follow her to. No matter how much he still wanted to escape his life, he had to try to find a way to get past this.

He looked up to see Alice smiling at him. It was a warm and comforting smile, the one he had done so much to try and protect. He still needed to be there for her. She cared about him more than he had known and that wasn’t something he could just throw aside.

“Okay,” he finally answered. “I’ll do my best.”

***

When Alice and Jay finally walked through the courtyard’s entrance, he immediately felt his nerves return. Now that he was at school, the task ahead of him to go through the day posing as Lilly was daunting. Even after Alice received a text from Eric informing her that he had Lilly’s backpack and her class information, he still wasn’t sure he could do it. After everything Lilly had done for him, he didn’t want to do anything that might embarrass her or ruin her reputation more than her association with the Magic Club already had. Just as he thought his panic might begin to overwhelm him, he felt Alice take his hand and squeeze it. Her soft touch was enough to calm him down a bit and give him the opportunity he needed to take a deep breath.

Alice led him to one of the empty courtyard tables and the two took their seats. Jay was thankful that the weather had been relatively dry in the past few days so the benches weren’t wet.

“Alright, I’ll text Eric to see if he’s at the clubroom yet,” Alice said, pulling her phone from her backpack pocket.

Jay nodded, content to give her time to get everything worked out. As he did, he glanced back to the path to watch the flow of students making their way into the main school building. Part of him wondered if he’d see any of the Magic Club since they were the only ones who would know he wasn’t actually Lilly.

Although, that might just be a good reason to avoid them. That would be awkward as hell.

Part of him wondered if Vinny knew anything about it. He knew the boy had been fairly distant from the rest of the club since second semester started so it wasn’t guaranteed that he knew anything about Lilly’s crazy plan. In fact, after hearing about how Vinny had been absent from school the previous day, it wouldn’t be too surprising if he was completely in the dark.

He was just about to turn back to face Alice when he noticed a familiar person in the crowd. He couldn’t help but cringe when the boy saw him and immediately made a b-line toward him and Alice. It was Matt Briggs from the cross country team—a boy Jay hardly ever talked to and preferred to keep his distance from.

What could he possibly want from us now?

Jay then felt a bit surprised when the boy got closer and he realized just how worn out he looked. Normally, Matt was the type of guy to be constantly smiling and lighthearted so it was a rare sight for him to be so down.

It couldn’t possibly be because of…

“Morning guys,” he greeted.

Alice looked up from his phone and smiled. “Hey, Matt. What’s up?”

Jay merely nodded a greeting, deciding it would be safer to just let Alice take the lead of the conversation.

The boy shrugged, sliding his backpack from his shoulder in the process. “Well, I was gonna wait until the end of the week to give you this but, well, I got a lot more than I expected over the last two days,” he explained. “So, I figured it might as well just give it to you now.”

Jay glanced curiously at Alice but she didn’t seem to understand either. When Matt produced an envelope from his backpack, he handed it to her. She hesitantly took it, looking at it with a frown.

“And this is?” she prompted.

Matt smiled softly. “I’ve been running around the school collecting donations from anybody willing. It’s for Jay’s family to help with medical expenses and the like. Three hundred total.”

Jay’s eyes went wide and even Alice couldn’t contain her shock. He…collected donations for me? But why?! Why would he do something like that? Matt hardly knows me!

He was so thrown off that he couldn’t find anything to say. Luckily, Alice recovered fast enough. “T-thanks,” she stuttered. “I…really appreciate that, Matt. I’m sure both Jay and his family will be really grateful.”

The boy exhaled softly, the exhaustion clear in his gestures. “I hope so. I know I hardly ever talked to the guy but…at the end of the day, he’s part of the team—has been for years. If we had lost him…well, it just wouldn’t have been the same. A team can’t function without all its players, yeah?”

Jay swallowed, desperately trying to keep the tears from falling. Yet, even though he gave it his best, he still must’ve let some of it show because Matt placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. When he looked up, the boy was smiling.

“It’s okay, Harper,” he said. “I’ve got faith that Brooks’ll come back. The guy’s tough.”

“Y-yeah, thanks,” he uttered, not wanting to give away that he wasn’t who he appeared to be.

“How are you holding up, Mendez?” Matt asked. “Cause if you need anything, just let me know. I’ll do what I can to help.”

“I’m holding up decently,” she replied. “I appreciate the offer, though. And again, thanks for this.” She indicated the envelope still in her hand. “It means more than you could know.”

“Of course,” he said. “Well, anyway, I’ll get going. I just wanted to stop by. And also, Harper.” He looked back at Jay. “Reiner already gave me your donation yesterday. He told me to let you know.”

Jay meekly nodded his response.

Reiner… Of course he and Lilly donated. Damn… How blind was I?

“Alright, I’ll see you guys later,” Matt said. “And don’t forget. Track conditioning starts next week. I hope to see you both there.”

Alice smiled. “Of course you will. Neither of us could miss it.”

The boy waved them goodbye and headed back toward the school, leaving Jay to stare after him through his tears. He couldn’t believe that actually happened and it made him want to just sit there and cry for hours. The idea that Matt Briggs had done something like that for him was so strange that he couldn’t help but think he was being tricked.

But, he knew in his heart that wasn’t the case.

“Well, what do you know?” Alice muttered, eyeing the envelope with interest. “We haven’t been on school grounds for longer than five minutes and you’re already seeing how much you would be missed if you’d died.”

“Yeah,” he whispered. “I guess so.”

Alice smirked. “Well, guess you gotta get better so you can join track. A team can’t function without all its players, after all.”

Jay nodded at Alice’s repetition of Matt’s words.

“Anyway,” she continued. “Eric’s already in the clubroom so let’s head up there to get Lilly’s things. Come on.”

Alice got to her feet and Jay did the same. Once again, he found himself following her toward the school’s front entrance and into the hallways. Since the clubroom was on the third floor, they went directly for the staircase. As they walked, Jay’s mind continued to race. His hand was in his pocket, gripping the necklace Alice had given him, and as he did so, a thought came to mind and he knew he couldn’t ignore it.

Back at the hideout, he made a promise to himself that he would do his best to turn his life around for Alice and he knew that there was something he needed to do if he wanted to even begin getting to that point. So, when they reached the second floor, Jay came to a sudden stop, surprising her.

“What is it?” she asked.

He hesitated as he gathered his thoughts then came to his decision.

“Actually…could I meet you at Mrs. Kentz’s class once you’ve met with Reiner? There’s something I need to do.”

Part of him feared that being vague would only irritate her but, perhaps because she suspected what he wanted to do, Alice merely shrugged.

“Okay. I’ll meet you there in a minute,” she said and he didn’t miss her wink as she turned and continued on, more or less confirming his suspicions.

“Thanks, Al’,” he whispered, then turned and began making his way toward the classroom where he knew he would find the person he wanted to talk to. Luck seemed to be on his side since, right as he was approaching class 2-11, Rina Davens walked out. He came to a stop, having not expected her to so quickly appear and, when she noticed him staring, Rina paused.

“Um…” she stuttered. “Yes?”

Well, shit. I guess I’m doing this whether I want to or not. No turning back now…

“Uh, hey,” he greeted awkwardly. “I’m…not sure if you know me but I’m Lilly Harper and I’m in the Magic Club.”

Rina frowned though it wasn’t with the fear he would have expected from dropping the club’s name. Instead, she just seemed genuinely confused. “Uh, yeah,” she said, narrowing her eyes in obvious suspicion. “We’ve met. You and Reiner talked to me the other day, remember?”

Lilly talked to her?! Oh god, about what?!

He quickly recomposed himself, knowing he could deal with that problem another time. “Oh, right,” he said, trying to brush his mistake off as a joke. “Uh, well, I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment…about that thing we talked about the other day.”

He didn’t know for sure what Lilly and Rina might have talked about but he had to assume it related to him and Alice. Therefore, if that were the case, Rina would have to come with him for fear that Vinny’s pictures would get out. Unsurprisingly, she hesitated then meekly nodded.

“O-okay. Sure.”

“Thank you.”

He turned and began making his way down the hall with Rina in tow. The girl didn’t say anything and he could tell how nervous she was. The thought that he played a role in hurting her like this made him sick to his stomach. Regardless of what she had done to Alice and of all the hurtful things she said to him, Jay just couldn’t justify what he helped Vinny do. To him, what they did was a betrayal to the necklace laying in his pocket that very moment.

I can’t change the past. I know that. But at the very least, I can try to make things right. Even if she doesn’t want to accept it. Even if she continues to hate me, I at least need her to know how I feel. That’s especially true given that I may never wake up again.

When they reached the end of the hallway, Jay found that there weren’t any other students around. Since the only thing there was the janitor’s closet and class 2-1, which was used as a storage room, they would have privacy to talk.

“So, um…” Jay began, turning around to face Rina directly.

The girl hung her head, refusing to look at him, as she fiddled with her fingers. He realized suddenly how tired she looked, an appearance that was oddly common in the recent days. Part of him couldn’t help but wonder what she felt when she learned that he tried to kill himself. Was she sad? Happy? Conflicted? He knew she didn’t like him anymore but did that mean she could so easily forget the old days? Did their past still mean something to her? After what she did to Alice, he really wasn’t sure.

“Rina,” he said. “How are you feeling?”

She looked up in surprise, obviously not expecting a question like that from Lilly Harper. For a moment, she seemed like she was trying to gauge what his angle was but, perhaps deciding he was being genuine, she responded.

“What kind of question is that?” she whispered. “I feel horrible. How could I not?”

“You referring to Jay?”

She clenched her fists. “Does it matter? What do you want, Harper? Is this about the pictures? Did you…” She swallowed nervously. “Did you get rid of them?”

Jay frowned. Lilly said she’d get rid of them? I wonder if she did…though, judging from Vinny’s absence, I’d be surprised if that was the case.

“I don’t know,” he replied finally. “I haven’t asked yet.”

She looked back up at him with a furrowed brow. “So then…what did you want? I won’t go near Alice again! I promise. Especially not after what…happened to Jay. So please! Just leave me alone!”

“I’m not Lilly Harper.”

He knew there was no longer a point in hiding it and so, he told Rina the truth. However, when her eyes went wide with utter terror, he realized what she might interpret that as and quickly added, “But I’m not the person who threatened you either.”

Her lips were trembling. “Then…who are you?”

He exhaled softly, curious to know what her reaction would be, then spoke. “It’s me, Rina. It’s Jay.”

“W-what?” she stuttered, taking a step back as she looked at him now with an expression of panic. “Jay? What kind of cruel joke are you trying to pull here? That’s not…”

“Lilly went to the hospital yesterday and swapped bodies with me,” he explained. “She and Alice apparently wanted me to come to school and so, here I am. And I figured that, while I’m here, I need to talk to you… To apologize.”

She put a hand over her mouth and leaned against the wall as she attempted to process what he was saying. Yet, when he said the word “apologize” she stiffened up.

“Apologize?” she uttered. “W-what? What for?”

He smiled in a self-deprecating way. “Well, as much as it hurts to admit it, I helped pull the incident with the pictures and that’s not something I’m proud of. It…really tore me up inside and it’s…”

He trailed off, suddenly struggling to find the right words to say. He had only come here on a whim, after all, so he was running more on instinct than logic. All he knew was that, at least for his own peace of mind, he needed to apologize.

“How…” Rina began softly, “…do I even know you’re telling the truth. How do I know you’re actually Jay and not somebody else trying to screw with me! I mean…there’s no way Jay would want to apologize! Not after what happened between us or after what I did to Alice…”

He was taken aback by the tears that started forming in her eyes. It almost seemed like she actually regretted what happened. He had always suspected that Evan had been the primary perpetrator and looking at the sincere emotions Rina was displaying only served to confirm that. Even if it didn’t excuse what she did, it did manage to calm him. So, he decided he would give her the proof she needed to know that he was who he claimed to be.

“Alright then,” he managed. “Ask me anything and I’ll prove that I’m Jay.”

Rina hesitated once more, her eyes probing into him. “Why…doesn’t my family celebrate Christmas?”

Jay nodded, having expected that question. Back when they were younger, Jay and Audrey had gone to Rina’s during the Christmas season to find her house barely decorated. Being kids, they’d been surprised that their best friend didn’t celebrate a holiday as fun as Christmas. When Rina explained to them, she made them swear to keep it to themselves and Jay had been determined to do so.

“Because,” he started, “December was the month your older brother and mother passed away.”

Rina exhaled sharply and he could see her whole body trembling now. When Rina was four, her mother had taken her older brother up the coast to visit some family. Rina had been sick at the time so her father remained home to care for her. But they never came back. They got into an accident on the way home and neither survived. When Jay heard the story, he’d been horrified to know that Rina had lost half her family in such a way. Since Audrey had lost her mother, too, it had brought the two girls closer. Rina knew death and had lost those she cared about to it so it was understandable that Audrey’s death had hit her the hardest.

“Jay…” Rina whispered. “It really is you, isn’t it?”

He nodded. “Yeah. It’s me.”

The girl shook her head, tears falling freely now. “But…then I don’t get it. Why would you ever want to apologize to me?! After everything I’ve done to you and Alice, you should hate me!”

“I don’t forgive what you did to Alice,” he said simply. “But I can’t hate you. And I can’t accept what I helped do to you so, I’m really, really sorry, Rina. I’m sorry I didn’t stop him. And, if Lilly hasn’t already done so, I’ll get rid of those pictures. I want to put the past behind us, where it belongs.”

“I don’t… Stop…” Rina whimpered. “I don’t deserve that. I don’t… Hate me, Jay!”

“I can’t.”

“Please!”

He reached into his skirt pocket and wrapped his fingers around Audrey’s necklace.

“You’ll always have a piece of Audrey close to your heart. Then, when the time comes, you’ll have it to reunite all the pieces again. Okay?”

Alice’s words in the hideout came back to him and with them, the emotion with which she said them. Alice had promised to be there for him and he knew now that he would always have her by his side. He hadn’t been the burden he’d believed himself to be. She wanted him to like himself despite how awful he thought he was. She wanted him to want to live for himself rather than for others.

He believed this was the first step in doing that.

“Rina,” he said. “Alice gave me something this morning to hang onto but, seeing as my body is still in a coma, I can’t make much use of it until I wake up. So, I want you to hold onto it until I do. I think you need it more than me.”

Before she could question his words, he removed the necklace from his pocket and held it out so that the piece of the medallion hung in her view. The moment she saw the name, she began to sob.

“Audrey,” she uttered.

“Take it. Keep it for me.”

The girl hesitantly reached out and grasped the necklace. Then, she fell to her knees and began to cry. Jay knelt down beside her and placed his arms around her to comfort her. He didn’t forgive her for attacking Alice and he didn’t think he ever would. However, he couldn’t just forget the past. Whether he liked it or not, Rina Davens was his childhood friend. He would never be able to truly leave her behind.

He could never hate her.

And just as he thought that, he heard her whimper something that only solidified everything Alice had told him.

“I don’t want you to die, Jay.”

No matter what she said, she couldn’t hate him either. He knew that now.

By jumping from that balcony, he had truly made a terrible mistake.