Chapter XXXIX

He wanted to protest but he found himself unable to do so as Alice grabbed his arm and began leading him from his hospital room and out into the hallway. She’d taken the gemstone away from him so he no longer had any way to return Lilly to her body and now, all he could do was be at Alice’s mercy. When they left the room, he was shocked to see his father waiting outside. He wanted to say something but, due to the fact that his dad currently perceived him as Lilly Harper, he knew there was nothing he could say. Alice quickly thanked him, bid him goodbye, and dragged Jay away.

Dad’s here? So, I did get his attention. I figured he would have just brushed this off considering how little he cared about me. And yet…were those tears I saw in his eyes? When they walked away, his father had kept his head low so he couldn’t be certain but it did look as if he might have been crying. But…would Dad ever actually cry for me? No…I must’ve been imagining it… Maybe I was just hoping for it.

“Alice?” he finally managed to say, cringing at the sound of Lilly’s voice coming from his mouth. “What’s going on?”

“I’ll explain later,” she growled. “Just come with me.”

He still wanted to protest but the mix of fury and fear in his best friend’s voice gave him pause. He didn’t know how long it had been since he jumped so it might have been days or weeks or even months. He’d been unconscious since but, clearly, he hadn’t died from the fall. Somehow, he survived.

But how? I jumped from the fourth floor onto the pavement. I should be a goddamn stain on the street! How am I alive? What saved me?

He wanted to ask Alice but he couldn’t bring himself to speak the words. Her entire demeanor told him that she, and most likely Lilly, were fully aware of how he came to be in his current state. They would have already read the goodbye letters he left them and so, Alice knew he had tried to kill himself. She would be furious and rightfully so. He wouldn’t be surprised if Lilly only swapped bodies with him so that Alice could let him have it. He deserved it, after all.

So where are we going? Where is she taking me?

Much to his surprise, she led him out to the hospital’s front lobby and out through the front doors. When they made it outside, Jay was met with the biting chill of a winter night and the lights from the hospital parking lot. The weather alone was enough to confirm that it hadn’t been too long since he jumped. It was at most March or April.

They still didn’t stop as Alice marched him through the parking lot and back toward Main Street. His apprehension only increased the farther they got from the hospital—and especially from where Lilly currently lay, unconscious in his body. He couldn’t just leave her there and run off in her body. He was trying to ignore the sensations for the time being but he still felt uncomfortable being her given the circumstances. He wanted to give her body back as soon as possible but Alice only continued to walk further and further away until they’d left Main Street and were back in the nearby neighborhoods.

These roads… He felt his body tense up. I was just dreaming about these… Or maybe I was just remembering it. I was here, walking with Audrey on the day Rina gave us our medallions. It feels like that was just yesterday but…

His thoughts briefly shifted to the four pieces of the medallion that Rina had given them. He no longer had his since he threw it into the sea shortly after Audrey’s death. After all, since there was no way they could ever all be together again, he figured there was no reason to hold onto it. He had no idea what became of Audrey’s piece after she died nor did he know whether Alice and Rina kept theirs. He’d never had any interest in knowing either. That medallion represented their friendship—and that friendship had fallen apart. Didn’t it make sense then for the medallion to remain separated?

They continued on down the road with Jay feeling more insistent on demanding to know what was going on by the minute. Yet, just as he was preparing to ask, he realized where they were. It was Alice’s street and just ahead on his right was her house. She was taking him directly toward it.

I haven’t been here in a while, he realized. I used to go here all the time but…ever since we split up, I just haven’t felt right coming by. I know that bothered Alice a lot. Is that why she’s taking me here?

Alice walked right up to her porch and, using her free hand, she removed her keys from her backpack’s side pocket and unlocked the door.

“I’m home, Mom!” she called out as the two of them walked into her living room. “And, uh, I’ve brought a friend by.”

Jay tensed up as Alice closed the door behind him and began taking her shoes off. She motioned for him to do the same and, despite still being desperate for some information, he obliged. He knelt down to begin untying the laces of Lilly’s shoes just as somebody entered the room. When he looked up, he felt his stomach churn.

Sofia Mendez, Alice’s mother, looked like she hadn’t changed at all. Her black hair was pulled back in a tight bun and she was just as short as he remembered. She even still wore the same stained white apron that he remembered her using whenever she would bake them desserts. He swallowed nervously, unsure of how to even face her given both everything that had changed over the years and the fact that he wasn’t even currently Jay Brooks.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Mrs. Mendez greeted. “And…?”

She looked at Jay, clearly waiting for an introduction, and Alice hurriedly obliged.

“This is my friend from school, Lilly,” Alice said. “She went with me to the hospital and I asked her to stay the night. Is that all right, Mom?”

Stay the night?! He struggled to keep his surprise in check, not wanting to come across as suspicious in front of Alice’s Mom. I’m supposed to stay in Lilly’s body overnight?! Just what the hell are these girls planning?! And I mean…I haven’t stayed over at Alice’s place in years! Is this even okay?

“Oh, that’s perfectly fine,” Mrs. Mendez replied. “It’s nice to meet you, Lilly.”

“Er…yeah, nice to meet you, too,” he managed to sputter.

The older woman hesitated for a moment and looked as if she were holding back tears when she spoke. “So? Any news on Jay? Is he…awake yet?”

Alice shook her head. “Nope. He’s still asleep. It’s not a pretty sight. The doctors still don’t know when he’ll wake up.”

So I am in a coma, he realized. I could still die. But…Lilly’s in my body right now! What would happen if…?

He refused to finish that thought, terrified of the implications it presented. Instead, he merely forced his shoes off and got back to his feet, though he refused to look at Mrs. Mendez.

“Oh, okay,” the woman whispered. “Well, keep me posted, Alice. And tell Mr. Brooks that my thoughts and prayers are with them right now. I hope Jay recovers soon.”

Her voice was shaking and, when he did finally look up, tears were sliding down her cheeks. His eyes went wide.

She looks so upset but…she hasn’t seen me in years. She doesn’t even know me anymore. I shouldn’t matter this much to her. What the hell…?

“Yeah, me, too,” Alice whispered. “Anyway, Lilly, let’s head to my room. Come on.”

She grabbed his wrist and led him into the house. He quickly thanked her mother on the way past and meekly followed Alice through the kitchen and toward the hall where the bedrooms were located. Despite how long it had been, he still vividly remembered where Alice’s bedroom was and, when she took him inside, he was surprised to find that it hadn’t changed much. Her bed was on the opposite side of the room, pushed into the corner with some of her cross country awards hanging on the wall to the left of it. She had a little desk in front of it with a vanity mirror above it. He briefly recalled watching Alice and Rina using it to play dress up back when they were younger.

Alice closed the door behind them and exhaled softly, her eyes directed at the ground. Jay could tell she was gathering her thoughts and since he didn’t want to interrupt her, he opted to remain silent. He still didn’t have the faintest idea of what was going on. For some reason, Lilly had swapped bodies with him and now, Alice had taken him to her home. None of it was making sense and he desperately wanted her to explain it to him.

“Sit down,” Alice whispered, though her voice was firm. “At the desk.”

He silently obliged, deciding it was better for the time being to just listen to her. He immediately moved to the vanity and took a seat in the chair behind it only to begin waiting once again. However, he couldn’t help but to glance at his reflection. Just as he had expected, it was Lilly’s features that looked back. He couldn’t help but tense at the image, finding it so strange to be looking at a reflection that wasn’t his own. But, at the same time, after his dream, he couldn’t help but to realize something else.

Man, Lilly really does look a lot like Audrey.

“Alright,” Alice said after a moment, snapping him back to the issue at hand. The girl walked across the room and sat down on the bed before turning to face him. “Explain yourself.”

He hesitated, having both feared and expected that question. He had no idea how to answer her. How was he supposed to explain himself after attempting suicide? He tried to kill himself. That wasn’t something he could just explain to her.

“I…” he stuttered. “I don’t know what to say.”

Alice flinched at his words. “Why did you jump from that balcony? What was going through your mind?” She reiterated her question, keeping her tone so calm that he couldn’t figure out exactly what she was thinking.

What was going through my mind? I’m useless. I failed to protect you. You don’t need me. Nobody needs me. I’m wasting my time bothering to live! But how am I supposed to tell you that?!

“I just…” He hesitated, but, knowing he could never get away with lying to her, he just told the truth. “…didn’t see any point in living anymore.”

Alice nodded, her eyes narrowed as if considering his words. Then, just as he braced himself for her response, a burning pain erupted in his cheek and his head snapped sideways. For a moment, he was at a loss for words but, when he hesitantly looked back at Alice, he could see her body shaking with rage and he realized that she had slapped him.

“Didn’t see any point in living?” she breathed. “Are you fucking kidding me, Jay? What the hell are you talking about?!”

Hearing her curse threw him through another mental loop and he knew she was more furious than she had ever been. After all, despite knowing her since he was a baby, he had never heard Alice Mendez drop the F-bomb.

“Um…” he stuttered, desperately trying to figure out what to say.

“No point to live?” she spat. “Really? So what about me, huh?! Did you think I was just going to forget about you after you died?! Did you think I was just going to brush it all off and move on?!”

He could tell that she wanted to shout at him and the only reason she wasn’t was because she didn’t want her mother to hear.

“Well?” she pressed.

“Uh, I…” he muttered. “Well, you had Mickelson and Lilly so I…”

He went silent as her eyes widened. “So? Sure, Vinny’s a great boyfriend and Lilly’s nice but they could never replace you, Jay! You’ve been my best friend since we were babies! I’ve only ever gone a handful of days where I didn’t talk to you! You’re like my little brother! Did you think you could just be casually replaced?! Is that what you really thought?!”

He struggled to find a response. In fact, that was exactly what he thought. When he first met Lilly Harper, her resemblance to Audrey Moore made him believe that she could take his place at Alice’s side. He had hoped that she could be the friend Alice needed—the friend he knew he couldn’t be. When Vinny came along and stood by Alice, that had been a bonus. He had been so certain that Vinny and Lilly would be good enough to replace him.

“I did,” he finally admitted. “I figured you could finally move on from me! I know I’ve dragged you down, Alice! You know I’ve only ever been a hindrance to you! Our friendship has always caused shit to spread about us and I know I put people off! Without me, I knew you could finally live a happier life!”

Now it was her turn to stare at him dumbfounded. However, her shock lasted far shorter than his and, before he knew it, her fury had returned.

“And you think I cared?” she hissed. “Jay, if I ever had a problem with you, I would have left! But I stayed by your side all these years! Why? Because I love you! You mean the world to me! You’re my best friend! I wouldn’t trade you for anybody! Not Vinny! Not Lilly! And not anybody else in this entire world!”

No… That’s not… She’s just saying that! I know she is! She knows she’s better off without me! It’s just a damn fact! I’m fucking worthless! I’m just a nuisance to her!

“How can you say that?” he whispered. “I’ve only ever caused you trouble! Even if you ignore how I’ve alienated you, I’ve only ever been pathetic! Remember how I stole the stone from Lilly? And you don’t even know what I helped do to Rina! I’m disgusting! I’m worthless! And I know you can see tha—!”

Despite having seen it coming this time, he failed to dodge as Alice slapped him across the cheek a second time. Now it was really stinging and he feared it would still be red when Lilly got her body back.

“Shut up!” Alice hissed. “Are you kidding me?! You’re not worthless or pathetic! Sure, stealing the stone was questionable, but it brought me and Vinny together, didn’t it? And regardless of what you did to Rina, it worked! Evan and Rina aren’t hurting me anymore. Don’t tell me you never thought about that!”

He clenched his fists. “Mickelson is the one who deserves credit for that. Not me! I was just his damn sidekick in that mess.”

“But you did help!” Alice retorted.

“And?!” He shook his head. “Mickelson took the lead! Mickelson came up with the plan! Mickelson executed it while I just sat back and let him! You don’t need me! You need him! I failed to protect you from Evan and Rina! I couldn’t do anything, but he could!”

“Listen to me!” Alice growled. “You’re clearly not actually paying attention! I. Do. Not. Care! I don’t care if Vinny took the lead! I don’t care about any of that other shit! You wanted to help me and that means more than anything! I don’t want to lose you! I can’t!”

Before he could respond, she jumped to her feet and walked toward the vanity. He watched nervously as she reached for one of the drawers and opened it. Seconds later, he was left speechless as she pulled up a familiar necklace and placed it on the desk before him. It was a quarter of a circle with the name “Alice” inscribed in curly writing.

“The necklace,” he uttered. “You still have it.”

Alice looked at him, her voice shaking as she spoke. “Of course I still have it! Even after all this time, this means the world to me. No matter what happens, even after everything we’ve been through, you, Audrey, and Rina are people that I love. But Audrey’s dead and Rina’s abandoned us, yet you? You’ve always been by my side. You’ve stuck by me and been my shoulder to lean on when I’ve needed it. You’re the last one of us that I have. So how could you ever think of yourself as a nuisance? As worthless? You have so much worth to me…more than anybody.”

“But I shouldn’t…” he breathed. “Rina was right, Alice. I failed to save Audrey! She was right there! I watched it happen! I watched my friend die! It was because of me! I couldn’t save her! So how can you show me this damned medallion and expect it to mean something?! I don’t even have my piece anymore! It’s gone.”

Bam!

Jay jumped at the sudden sound and his eyes went even wider. Alice had taken another piece of jewelry from the drawer and slammed it on the desk. It was identical to the one from before with the only difference being the band upon it.

Jay.

“Stop talking like that,” she choked out. “It’s not your fault. Rina’s full of it! She’s just trying to blame somebody for the loss of her friend but it’s nobody’s fault! We couldn’t have done anything! Audrey wouldn’t have wanted this! She wouldn’t have wanted to see us like this!”

“How did you…?” he uttered, hardly processing her words as he stared at the necklace. “I threw it in the ocean.”

“Did you think I was going to let that happen?” she whispered. “When you left, I went after it. It took almost four hours but luckily the tide sent it back to the beach. And you know what?”

Mimicking her earlier actions, she reached back into the drawer and produced a third necklace. He watched in utter shock as she placed it down beside the others.

The name “Audrey” was written on it.

“The only one I don’t have is Rina’s,” Alice said. “But I’ve kept the others with the hope that the three of us can put them together again. That can’t happen if you’re dead, Jay. Doesn’t this prove to you how much you mean to me? I’ve kept these for three fucking years because you three are and will always be my best friends. Even Rina but especially you.”

“But…” he sputtered.

“And I’m not the only one who doesn’t want to lose you,” Alice continued. “You saw how hurt my mother was when we got here, right? And…while I don’t know enough about your relationship with your father, I can at least tell he’s torn up about this.”

Dad…is actually hurt? But there’s no way. He’s never given me the time of day! He doesn’t care about me! My death should be a weight off his damn shoulders!

“And you know who else cares?” Alice asked though instead of answering his question, she pointed toward the mirror.

He slowly turned to look at his reflection, seeing Lilly’s eyes staring back at him. There were tears pouring down his cheeks that he hadn’t realized were there.

“Lilly,” he whispered.

Alice nodded. “Lilly cares so much about you that right now, she’s inhabiting your nearly dead body because she wanted to give you the chance to see how much you matter. She could be risking her life right now…all for you.”

“But…why would she do that?” he asked meekly.

“Because you mean something to her, you dense idiot!” Alice hissed. “After all your badgering, you actually got Lilly Harper to come around! And now, she’s grown to care about you enough to use the stone on you! Don’t you realize what that means? I’m not the only one who would be devastated by your death! Lilly would be, too!” Alice clenched her fists. “And who else? Well, seeing as Reiner gave Lilly the stone to do this in the first place, I’d say he’s pretty invested in this, too!”

Reiner… Lilly… Are you guys really okay doing this? For somebody like me?

For the first time in a long time, he suddenly found himself having doubts about whether he truly wouldn’t be missed. He had always been certain that he could just disappear but now, he couldn’t say that was the case.

“But…Rina,” he whimpered.

“Unfortunately, I don’t know what you and Vinny did to her,” Alice snapped. “Nobody’s told me but…I want to know. And I assure you that I won’t blame you for it, Jay. I’ll forgive you. I promise.”

Forgive…me? Do I even deserve that? Do I even deserve to be forgiven for helping Mickelson defile her like he did? Is that okay?

Logic told him it wasn’t and yet, he desperately wanted to believe that he could be forgiven. In that moment, he desperately needed to hear that it was okay—that he wasn’t disgusting. And so, despite having held it in for so long, Jay suddenly found himself talking about what he and Vinny did. He couldn’t help it. He completely broke down into tears and told Alice what she wanted to hear.

He told her the truth.

***

When Jay finished telling her all about Vinny’s pictures of Rina, he completely broke down into tears and couldn’t seem to recollect himself. So, Alice decided to stop pressing him for the time being. She could tell that her words had reached him at least to some extent. Instead, she pulled him into bed and laid down next to him, allowing him to rest his head on her shoulder as she hugged him close. He kept crying and occasionally he would utter things like “I’m sorry” or “I don’t know what to do” but otherwise he said nothing. To comfort him, she stroked his, or rather Lilly’s hair, and that seemed to calm him down a little.

With how sudden Lilly’s plan had been, Alice was still trying to process everything and now, after talking with Jay, she found she had a far better understanding of both what happened to Rina and why Jay tried to kill himself. She still couldn’t believe she never picked up on any of the signs. All this time, he’d seen himself as pathetic and unwanted and she had never realized that. Obviously he was wanted. She loved him and yet, she apparently never made that clear to him. In that sense, she felt that she failed him as a friend. She failed to see how much he was hurting and she failed to help him.

It all seems to have started with Audrey’s death, she realized. I knew he’d never forget her but I thought he had already come to terms with it. I never would have imagined that he still blames himself.

Alice sighed internally. Well, Lilly said that I need to take him to school tomorrow so I’m gonna do just that. Though I have no idea where her backpack is or what her classes are. I guess I’ll have to ask Eric in the morning. She didn’t fully think this through, did she?

Though she couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Lilly. There might be some aspects of her plan that she could have thought through better but, at the end of the day, it didn’t matter. What Lilly was willing to do for Jay was insane and it proved how much she cared about him. Even if her plan didn’t work, Alice would be forever grateful that she tried.

“You and Jay are my friends and I’ll be damned if I let anything happen to either of you!”

Lilly’s words from back in the hospital rang through her mind, as well as the determined tone in which she spoke them.

She’s so different these days. It really does feel as if the girl I met last fall is completely separate from the Lilly I know now. I’m glad though. I’m happy to be able to call Lilly Harper my friend.

As Jay seemed to calm down a bit, his breathing steadied and he went silent. She had no idea what he could be thinking. After seeming so set on never telling her what happened to Rina, he had given in fairly quick. It had surprised her but she was grateful to finally know. Although she wasn’t at all sure of what to think of it. Apparently Vinny had nude pictures of her that he was using as blackmail—pictures he had procured by stealing her body and stripping down in front of her.

God damn it. What am I even supposed to say about that? I mean, I want those pictures deleted. Regardless of what Rina did to me, she’s still a former friend and I can’t condone doing something like this but…it’s not like Jay and Vinny did it for some malicious purpose. Both of them were just trying to help, even if their conclusion was morally flawed.

Well whatever. I’ll figure it out later. For now, I should probably get everything going. I need a shower. And I assume Lilly wouldn’t want us sending her body to school without showering so…

Even though she knew Jay wouldn’t do anything bad to Lilly’s body, she still wanted to respect the girl’s privacy as much as possible. So, an idea came to mind.

“Alright, Jay,” she muttered. “I think we should get ready for bed. We’ve got a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”

He slowly pushed himself up, his eyes puffy from crying, as he looked at her in surprise.

“W-what do you mean?” he mumbled.

Alice smiled. “Well, you didn’t think this body swapping extravaganza was ending tonight, did you? Lilly wants me to take you to school tomorrow so get ready for that.”

“To school?!” he exclaimed. “W-what do you…? Why?”

“You’ll see,” Alice replied casually. “And there’s somewhere I want to go tomorrow before school so we’ll have to get up early so we won’t have time to shower in the morning.”

He grimaced, seeming to still be confused but having decided not to argue. “Okay and?”

“And since I can’t really let you shower in Lilly’s body, I’m gonna swap with you, shower for her, swap back, and shower for me. Okay?”

Jay sighed, clearly understanding what she meant, and softly nodded. “Yeah sure. Go ahead.”

“Thanks.”

Alice then slid The Switch from her skirt pocket and, once Jay nodded to show he was ready, she pressed it into his palm. She was then thrown into the formless world for the typical few seconds before returning to her bedroom. Now, however, she was staring at her own body and her eyes felt wet from Jay’s crying.

“Alright,” she grunted, pushing herself to her feet, all the while marveling at the strangeness of Lilly’s voice coming from her mouth. “I’ll go shower. Don’t do anything weird to my body while I’m gone.”

She meant it as a joke to lighten the mood a bit but Jay nodded somberly as if taking it seriously. She sighed, getting to her feet and as she did so, something occurred to her.

Wait, Lilly didn’t send any clothes over or anything! Ugh! I guess I’ll just hope she’s close enough to my size and just use my own pajamas.

Once again amused by how many gaps there were in the plan, Alice walked over to her dresser in her closet and pulled out some clothes. Then, With one last glance back at Jay, who was already laying silently in bed again, Alice headed out into the hall and toward the bathroom. Luckily, her mother hadn’t come in to check on them since they had gotten kinda loud at the end. Alice was grateful that her mother always turned the television up louder than it needed to be.

When she walked into the bathroom, she closed the door behind her and let out a sigh of relief. After the long day she’d had, she was ready to unwind with a nice warm shower—two of them, in fact. Alice then reached for the shower handle and turned it on. Then, just as she was about to begin undressing, she noticed her reflection in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile at Lilly’s face staring back.

I hope she’s okay, Alice thought, finding herself thinking of the girl still unconscious in Jay’s body.

Alice took a step toward the mirror and reached her hand out to touch its surface. Even though she knew it was just her reflection, she found herself comforted by the sight of Lilly’s smile.

“Thank you, Lilly,” she whispered. “I mean it. Thank you for everything.”