Chapter XXXVI

Despite having a clear course of action on what to do next, Lilly and Eric found it far easier done than said. Eric had told her that all they needed to do was find some way to make Vinny regret what he did to Rina and that would remove the disturbing feeling Eric’s sense was getting from him. The problem was that throughout the entire previous day, Vinny avoided them. He arrived at each class they shared right as the bell rang and left afterwards before either could approach him. At lunch, he was nowhere to be found and he naturally didn’t come to club after school. However, on the bright side, Damien and Liz and both showed up for the first time since before break, so the room didn’t feel as lonely as it had in recent days and it was at that meeting that Damien confessed to having visited Vinny the night before. After hearing how it unfolded, it quickly became apparent why they were being avoided. Vinny was now aware that they knew everything and made it clear to Damien that he didn’t have any intention of standing down.

So what now? Lilly thought as she made her way down the still damp neighborhood road on her way to school. If Vinny really won’t listen to reason then how do we get through to him. Damien said it sounded like he was afraid of us telling Alice, but is that even a good idea? Would telling her accomplish anything aside from driving them apart and making him hate us?

When she suggested the idea to Eric the previous afternoon, he had said he would think about it as well. There were a lot of risks to telling her but, at the same time, she had a right to know how it all went down. Rina was an old friend of hers and the whole bullying situation revolved around her. It wasn’t fair to keep her out of the loop.

Jeez! Why is everything so difficult?! Nothing ever has an easy answer, does it?

She scowled, turning onto the next street and glancing up to see the school just up ahead. She saw the usual streams of students making their way through the gates and into the courtyard, chatting with their friends. Just looking at them made them all seem like they didn’t have a single worry in their lives. They looked simple and happy and Lilly couldn’t help but to feel a twinge of jealousy.

I used to think I never wanted anything like that, she thought. I always told Alexa I was happier by myself. I didn’t like people. I didn’t want friends. At the time, I really believed that. But now, even after just a few months with the club, I realize how full of shit I actually was. I was just convincing myself I didn’t want it because I didn’t think I could get it, but once I did...I really was happy. After all this time, I finally have a place to belong and it’s falling apart right in front of me. I can’t let that happen! I need to figure something out! Think, Lilly! There has to be a way out of this!

Her thoughts shifted to Jay and Alice, the first people at the school, and perhaps even ever, to actually seem to care about her. Despite how harshly she treated them, they stuck by her. They worried about her when she first used the stone. Jay stole it from her just because he was afraid something bad was happening to her. Now, even they seemed to be falling apart. What Vinny did was clearly affecting Jay and, the few times she spoke to Alice, even she seemed unsettled about something. She was losing everything and there was nothing she could do. All she’d been doing was standing back and allowing Eric to take the lead because she didn’t have a single idea of how she could help.

I need to figure something out, she thought as she joined the flow of students and made her way into the courtyard of the school. There’s gotta be something I can do for them!

Even though the rain ended during the night, there were still very few students at the tables in the courtyard since the benches were all covered in water. She spared a brief glance around for Vinny even though she was relatively confident that he wouldn’t be anywhere nearby. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t see him so she simply turned and made her way into the school. Eric had asked her to meet him in the library before school so they could try and think things over so that was where she was headed. First, however, she intended to stop at her locker and drop a few of her textbooks off so she wouldn’t have to lug them around all day. Lilly made her way up the stairs and to the third floor where both her locker and the library were located.

She felt tired and part of her couldn’t wait for the weekend to come. The first week back to school just kept droning on and it was still only Thursday morning. It gave her a headache just thinking about it and she snorted her irritation. When she arrived up on the top floor, she kept to the right beside the windows and stared down at the ground, not wanting to have to look at any of the students around her. She wasn’t in the mood to put up with their stupid stares at her. When she made it to her locker, she sighed and reached up to start unlocking it. Due to being so tired, she messed up the combination twice, which only soured her mood even more. When she finally got it unlocked, she swung the door open with more force than she meant to, startling two freshmen girls a few lockers over. She muttered a brief “sorry” before removing her textbooks from her bag. However, just as she was about to put them inside, she paused.

The heck is that?

Laying atop the only textbook left inside was a folded up sheet of paper. Trying to remember if she had forgotten a homework assignment there by accident, she reached in and took it out, replacing it with the textbooks in her hand. When she unfolded it, she couldn’t help but furrow her brow in surprise. It wasn’t an assignment nor was it even something she put there. It was a letter.

Did somebody slide this through the slit or something? What even is this?

Suddenly feeling a knot forming in her stomach, she began to read what was written.

Lilly,

I’m not really sure how to say this so I’m sorry if it sounds awkward. I wanted to say it in person but I just couldn’t get myself to face you. I still haven't changed at all. I’m still a coward but, I at least owed it to you to leave something for you. I really did care about you. You were such a good friend to both me and Alice and I can never thank you enough.

Lilly suddenly felt sick to her stomach. She could tell that the letter had been written by Jay but the way everything was being phrased made it sound like he was saying goodbye. Her heart began beating faster as she frantically continued to read.

I know it’s selfish of me but I wanted to ask you a favor. Stay by Alice for me. Be there for her. You’re a good person and she needs you. I was never good enough for her but I trust you and Mickelson. I just can’t keep going. It’s too much for me.

“No,” she uttered under her breath. “There’s no way…”

But I feel better knowing Alice has somebody like you. I know you’re probably going to hate me after this and I deserve it. I’m disgusting and pathetic but this is all I can do anymore. It’s too much. But I want you to know that I really enjoyed hanging out with you this year. You mean a lot to me. Thank you and goodbye, Lilly. I’m sorry.

Jay.

After reading that last line, Lilly felt the strength in her legs give out and she collapsed to the ground. Tears were pouring down her cheeks no matter how hard she tried to stop them. She just couldn’t believe what she was reading. It had to be a prank. Jay and Alice were about to jump out from around the corner and reveal that they made it all up to screw with her. It had to be a joke. It had to be something like that. After all, there couldn’t be any way Jay really was…

You son of a bitch!

She screamed the words in her mind. She knew it was real. She could tell. The letter must’ve been put in her locker after she left for club the previous day so there was almost certainly nothing she could do anymore. If Jay actually went through with it then she was powerless to save him.

“Jay…” she uttered. “No… Please be okay…”

She didn’t care that she was in the middle of the hallway or that there were people staring at her. None of them mattered to her. She didn’t give a damn what any of them thought. For the first time in years, she completely broke down and began to cry there on the ground beside the lockers. She desperately wanted to do something but she couldn’t get her legs to move. She didn’t have the strength to pull herself to her feet.

But...maybe he didn’t go through with it! Maybe he came to his senses or… Or what if he put this in here this morning! Maybe he hasn’t done it yet! Maybe there’s still a chance I can stop this! I have to do something! I have to stop him! I can’t lose Jay! I don’t want him to die!

She grabbed the base of her locker and desperately tried to get to her feet. She could hear people muttering around her but there wasn’t a single person who approached to help or ask what was wrong. The letter was still clutched in her free hand and she could feel it crumpling in her tight grasp.

Where does he live?! she thought desperately. I need to go to him! I need to find him! I can’t...lose him!

But no matter how hard she tried to rise, she dropped back down to the floor.

I should’ve known! The signs were there! He’s seemed so depressed these past few days! He looked exhausted, like he wasn't eating or sleeping. He was avoiding everybody! There were signs there! Damn it! God fucking damn it! What kind of friend am I to not realize he needed help?!

Suddenly she felt the presence of somebody behind her and, moments later, their arms were wrapped around her, turning her around and pulling her into a hug. She knew who it was without having to ask and, in that moment, she was beyond grateful that he was there. She pressed her face into his chest and continued to cry, feeling her body shaking with each breath.

“Eric…” she uttered.

“I know,” he whispered back. “Let it out. I’m here for you, Lilly.”

The boy reached one of his hands down and gently removed the letter from her grasp, his free hand moving to rest against the back of her head. He read through it silently as she sobbed and after a moment, he laid it down beside her.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry…”

She clutched him close to her, feeling a small amount of comfort in his touch. She couldn’t help but to think about Alice and the other club members. Did they know? Did Jay leave them notes, too? At the very least, he must have left something for Alice. There was no way he wouldn’t if he left a goodbye to her.

“Lilly? Eric? What’s wrong? What happened?!”

Lilly felt even sicker at the sound of the voice she dreaded, obviously ignorant of the entire situation. Alice didn’t know yet. She wasn’t aware of what happened.

“Mendez,” Eric said softly. “Open your locker for me, would you?”

“Huh? W-why? What does—?”

“Please?”

Sounding startled by Eric’s interruption, Lilly listened as Alice complied, stepping past her to where her own locker was located. Lilly clutched Eric tighter, dreading Alice opening it and the sound of her doing so was terrifying.

“What’s…?” Alice muttered.

Eric exhaled softly. “A folded piece of paper?”

“Y-yeah? How did you…?”

Alice went silent and Lilly instinctively knew that she had unfolded it. There was no getting away from it now. She had been desperate to do something and yet, she had failed. If Jay truly had committed suicide then there wasn’t any way they could ever go back to the way things were. He was supposed to be there. He was supposed to be by her side. They had started over! They had put everything behind them so they could be friends! He wasn’t supposed to…

“No…this can’t…” Alice sounded like she was choking back tears.

She finished the letter.

Listening as Alice broke down into tears was the last straw for Lilly. The sound of her friend crying, believing the boy she grew up with to have killed himself, was terrible. She wanted to break off from Eric and comfort her but she couldn’t. She couldn’t bring herself to move.

She had failed them. There was nothing she could do for Alice anymore. She couldn’t bring back the dead. She was powerless.

I’m sorry...I’m so damn sorry…

***

I need some space for a while. Just leave me alone for a bit, okay?

Vinny read and reread the message over and over, his body shaking as he sat alone in the library, his head in his hands as he stared down at his phone. It was Alice’s response after he tried to call her and she hadn't picked up. It was all he needed to hear to know that she was blaming him for Jay’s suicide. And he couldn’t even say she was wrong. He started acting weird right after they went after Rina. Alice had clearly suspected that they were hiding something and now, Jay was probably dead. They still didn’t know for sure if he had gone through with it but Vinny hadn’t seen any sign of him at school that morning.

God damn it, he thought, trying desperately to suppress the tears falling down his cheeks. Did I do this? Did what I did to Rina cause this to happen? I thought everything was okay! I thought we won! I saved Alice! I protected her! But…

“Have you considered how what you’ve done has affected everybody?” Damien had said just the other night. “And I’m not talking about Rina. I mean the club and Jay and maybe even Alice… It’s made Eric and Lilly worry about you. Eric, especially, has seemed stressed over the whole thing. Liz and I are worried, too. The club hasn’t all been together since that night. And Jay…Looks like what you guys did is really hurting him.”

Vinny clenched his first in frustration. He had been so confident that what he did was right. It might not have been the most ethical decision he could have made but it was effective. Alice was safe. He helped her. Damien acted like the effects of what he did were going to last and Vinny had been absolutely confident that they wouldn’t. He believed it would all blow over eventually and yet, here he sat, a goodbye letter from Jay in his pocket, realizing that what he did very well could have pushed a boy to kill himself. In his efforts to do anything to save Alice, he might be responsible for Jay’s death. If the boy was dead, his blood would be on Vinny’s hands.

What the hell have I done? This is… This isn’t what was supposed to happen! Damn it! Fucking damn it! This isn’t right! Why? Why…?

Vinny sniffled, reaching into his uniform pocket to produce the letter he had found in his locker that morning. There wasn’t an ounce of blame in the letter. In fact, Jay wrote it as if he were thanking him.

You’ll be better for Alice than I could ever be, Jay had written. You’ll do what I couldn’t do. So please be there for her. Protect her for me.

Why didn’t you blame me, Jay? This is my fault, isn’t it?! You should have told me how horrible I was! You should have said I was wrong! I caused this, didn’t I? I’m sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner! I could have done something! The club—Eric, Damien, they all said I needed to delete the photos and back down! If I had listened, would that have saved you?

Vinny leaned back in his chair and exhaled softly, trying to suppress his emotions as best he could. How could he possibly face the other club members now? There was no doubt in his mind that Eric and Damien—and probably even Lilly and Liz—would blame him for this. They all tried to warn him and he ignored them. They would probably hate him now. Even if Jay didn’t blame him in the letter, the others would do so for him.

Slowly, Vinny repocketed the letter and rose to his feet. First period would be starting soon and then he would have no choice but to face Eric, Lilly, and Alice. Even if they didn’t speak to him, their looks would be enough. He wasn’t even sure he could handle them. As he walked through the hallways, the students around him were all going about their mornings like nothing was different but Vinny knew that, if Jay really had killed himself, the news would soon spread all across the campus. Even if Jay wasn’t terribly popular, this school would mourn. That was just the way of things. A high school might have its social hierarchies and its cliques and those who didn’t fit in were shunned but, at the end of the day, there was a sense of camaraderie that nobody could deny. If a member of their school lost their life, people would feel it.

Does Jay realize this? Vinny wondered. Does he realize how his death is going to affect this school? Hell, even if he doesn’t, he must know that this would hurt Lilly and would utterly destroy Alice. How could he do that to them? And now, because of what I did, I can’t be there for Alice. I can’t do anything.

He finally arrived at Mrs. Kentz’s classroom but ignored her greeting as he made his way inside. He felt sick to his stomach, knowing that when he raised his head, he would see the looks of hatred from those he called his friends. But he knew he couldn’t avoid it so, swallowing his fear, he looked up…

...and saw only Eric.

He exhaled sharply, scanning the room for signs of Lilly and Alice but they weren’t there. Only Brad and his gang sat in the back corner and Eric sat in his normal spot.

“They went home,” Eric called out.

Vinny slowly turned to look at his old friend and was surprised yet again. There was no hatred in Eric’s eyes. Instead, he looked like he was confused and in pain. Yet Vinny still couldn’t help but feel terrible as there wasn’t any sign of Eric’s typical grin. Even on the worst days, Eric Reiner forced a smile and tried to be the one to lighten the mood. If even he was torn up then there really was no hope.

“W-what do you mean?” Vinny stuttered, wondering if he even had a right to speak to Eric.

“Lilly and Alice broke down,” Eric replied softly. “Some students went to get a teacher and they were both led away, probably to the office. Lilly texted me a minute ago to tell me they were leaving. I assume by the look on your face that you understand why?”

Part of him wanted to lie and shake his head but he decided he had lied enough, so instead, he meekly nodded and walked over to take his seat beside Eric. The other boy made no move to stop him since he seemed so deep in thought. Vinny was content allowing him to remain that way but, when Eric spoke next, he froze in surprise.

“Brooks isn’t dead, you know?”

Vinny abruptly turned to look his way. “W-what? You mean he didn’t—?!”

“That’s not what I said,” Eric corrected. “He tried to kill himself but...he’s not dead...yet. He’s currently in the hospital, I believe.”

“How do you…?” Vinny frowned. “How do you know that? It didn’t even seem like Alice knew anything until this morning.”

Eric clenched his fists together atop the desk. “I…just do. I can’t really explain it past that.”

Vinny sighed, about to ask him if he was referring to his sense, but Eric continued before he got the chance. “You...regret what you did to Rina, don’t you? You understand now what Damien was talking about the other night.”

Vinny exhaled sharply, shocked that Eric could read him so thoroughly when he thought he had been concealing his emotions better than that. “How’d you figure that out?” Vinny grumbled.

Eric shrugged. “I...could just tell.”

***

Alice walked back in the direction of her home with LIlly at her side though neither said a word to the other. They were both content remaining silent and trying to process everything. Alice didn’t even know what to do or say. She just moved on autopilot, heading home simply by recommendation of her councilor when it became apparent that she couldn't stop herself from crying. Now, however, it felt like she’d run her body dry. She still felt like crying but the tears would no longer come. Lilly had stopped as well and, whenever Alice glanced in her direction, the other girl was just staring blankly at the ground.

How could this have happened? Alice asked herself for what felt like the millionth time that morning. I’ve always said I know him better than anybody—that he couldn’t hide anything from me! So how could I have overlooked something like this! I knew he was acting off but I never once considered that he might try to kill himself!

She had already attempted to call Jay multiple times and he never once answered. With each passing minute, it felt like any hope that Jay was still alive dwindled. She desperately wanted to believe that it wasn’t too late. She wanted so desperately to hear that call telling her that the notes were a joke and that he was perfectly fine but, she knew it wasn’t that simple. This wasn’t the kind of joke Jay would play and, even if for some reason he did, he wouldn’t let it go on this long. He would have jumped out of hiding and revealed it to all as a prank.

What kind of friend am I? She sniffled, feeling her emotion suddenly return. He was clearly hurting and all I did was accuse him of hiding things. He avoided me and I didn’t once try to talk to him. Sure, I called him and all but I could have done more. When he didn’t pick up, I could have gone to his apartment and, if he didn’t answer the door, I could have waited there until he did. But all I did was complain that he was avoiding me. And now...I may never get to speak to him again. My childhood friend, the boy who’s been by my side ever since I was a damn baby could be dead!

She couldn’t help but to think back to the afternoon before when Jay suddenly arrived at the diner and hugged her out of nowhere. Even then, despite having a bad feeling, she never brought herself to call him. Now she knew that was him saying goodbye. That hug was his goodbye to her and she didn’t even realize it.

That might be the last time I ever see him, she realized.

Part of her briefly wondered where Eric had gone after leaving so abruptly but, given everything that had happened that morning, she found it didn’t really matter.

Just as she felt more tears forming in her eyes, her phone suddenly started buzzing. She exhaled sharply, wondering if it might actually be Jay but, when she pulled it from her skirt pocket, clearly startling Lilly, she felt both dread and relief. It wasn’t Jay calling. Rather, it was his father, Kent Brooks. She had tried calling him a few times once Jay didn’t answer but even he hadn’t responded. The fact that he was calling, however, made her heart feel like it had stopped. She just had a feeling that this couldn’t mean anything good. Taking a deep breath, Alice fought back the fear and answered it.

“Hi, Mr. Brooks?” she said.

Lilly’s eyes widened at the name but, thankfully, she remained quiet.

“Hey, Alice,” the man replied, sounding so exhausted that she feared he hadn’t slept at all the night before. “I’m so sorry for not answering your calls. I’ve just...had a busy night. Did you hear…?”

His voice trailed off and she knew he didn’t want to speak the words aloud. So, understanding what it was he was asking, Alice forced herself to ask her question despite fearing what the answer could be. Nevertheless, she had to know what happened.

“Where’s Jay?” she begged. “Is he okay? Is he…?”

Mr. Brooks sighed. “He’s...alive, for the time being.”

A wave of relief washed over Alice and she found that there were tears left in her body as they began rolling down her cheeks. Lilly was clearly anxious to hear what was going on but, not wanting to interrupt Jay’s father, she simply mouthed “he’s alive”. The other girl’s shoulders seemed to relax just a tiny bit as Mr. Brooks continued.

“But his condition isn’t great. He’s unconscious right now and the doctors are doing everything they can to keep him alive. Carol and I aren’t even allowed to see him right now so we’re just waiting for some news.”

Alice nodded, grateful that there was still some hope that Jay could survive. She hadn’t lost him yet. “And…” she began weakly, “could you...tell me what happened to him? I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but…”

“It’s okay, Alice,” he replied in a soft and almost comforting tone. “You’re basically family, after all. You have a right to know as long as you truly want to.”

“I do,” she said firmly. “Please…”

The man took a deep breath to prepare for whatever he was about to say then began speaking as if having to force the words out. “To be honest, it’s a damn miracle that he’s even alive. The doctors said that he should be dead because he...jumped from our balcony.”

Her eyes widened in shock. “Your balcony?! But you live on the fourth floor! If he hit the concrete from that high…”

“I know,” he muttered. “The doctor we talked to was utterly baffled. Carol’s hoping it’s a sign that he’s going to be okay, but...well, he didn’t get out unscathed, obviously. He broke so many bones and his head...they think he has brain damage but they still need to run the appropriate tests and…”

The man choked back his words and Alice realized how much it was affecting him. Kent Brooks was never the type of person to show any emotion. He was a hard man and for as long as Alice knew him, he was all about being strong and manly. It was an ideology that he always tried to push onto Jay and that Jay greatly resented. So, to hear him choking back tears just proved how destroyed this had him.

And it makes sense, she thought. I know Jay was never close with his dad. If I didn’t catch on that he wanted to kill himself then I doubt he did. This probably came out of left field.

“Thank you, Mr. Brooks,” Alice replied gratefully. “I...I’ll let you go now. I don’t want to keep you. I just...needed to know if he was okay.”

“I understand, Alice, and I promise that the minute they allow visitors, I’ll call you to come see him,” he said. “I’m sure he’d like that.”

“I would, too,” she uttered. “Thanks. Keep me posted.”

“Of course. Goodbye, sweetheart.”

“Bye.”

Taking another deep breath, Alice ended the call and lowered the phone from her ear. She could see in Lilly’s eyes that she desperately wanted to know what was said, but she didn't immediately speak, clearly allowing Alice to gather her thoughts. However, even though her mind was a jumble, she didn’t want to keep Lilly in suspense so, she quickly began to reiterate everything Mr. Brooks had told her. Lilly listened without speaking but Alice could see the whirlwind of emotions in her eyes. When she finally finished, Lilly exhaled softly.

“So he’s still alive,” she whispered. “Thank god. He still has a chance.”

Alice nodded meekly. “Yeah. Mr. Brooks said I could visit as soon as they let us so I’ll let you know when and you can come if you want to.”

“Definitely,” Lilly muttered. “I’ll definitely go with you.”

For a moment, the two of them stood in silence and that was all it took for everything to overwhelm her again. Feeling suddenly weaker, Alice leaned forward and pulled Lilly into a hug and the girl embraced her back, allowing her to cry into her shoulder.

“I just can’t believe this actually happened,” she sobbed. “I don’t understand.”

Lilly nodded. “I know. I’m sorry, Alice.”

“I just wish there was something I could do,” Alice whispered. “I wish I could help him somehow but...all I can do is wait and pray that he doesn’t die. I can’t lose him. He’s my best friend… He’s like my brother! I can’t…”

As she cried, Lilly continued to hug her and listen to her talk without once saying anything. The only time she spoke, she said, “I wonder…” but, for some reason, she never finished her thought.