As the hangar doors closed, Axton was already running down the hallways in the ship following the sound of gunfire as well as the map that he had open. A right here, a left there, a straightaway after that, and then another right, and bam, he was about to run face-first into a very surprised Imperial Marauder. Now, Axton had prepared for exactly this kind of situation, mostly because he had seen the red dots on the map and had a decently accurate yet also rather vague idea of how close his nearest target would be.

He had already equipped his looted weapon and pulled a move straight out of Hollywood by dropping to his knees and sliding past the surprised Marauder. Of course, Axton didn’t leave him without a single scratch, though whether you would call a light tap to the underside of a man’s knees with an illegally powerful shock baton a ‘scratch’ or not is up to personal interpretation.

Either way, the damage was done, and the Marauder dropped to the ground soon after, dying as a result of the nearly 100,000 volts that had been delivered to him. Like had been stated before, the baton had a voltage and amplitude setting that was far in excess of what all ‘respectable’ nations considered legal. But then again, when had Galactic Laws and common decency ever stopped the Andromedan Empire or the pirates of The Revelry?

Axton was merely showing these people exactly what kind of damage their weapons were capable of when turned against them, though even he hadn’t expected to hear a man’s heart literally explode in his chest and smell the excretions that the violently jittering corpse emitted shortly after the man’s death. As a result of that, Axton turned off the shocking weapon in his hands and asked for forgiveness for his actions, turning himself over to be judged for his crimes.

Wait, what? No, no, no. Did you really think that he’d do something like that? Nah, Axton gave not the slightest, tiniest, most inconceivably small collection of flying fucks about what he had just done. After all, these people were delusional and thought that they were not only valued by their nation but actually free and on the ‘good’ side of things.

Besides, they were faceless mooks and easy Exp, and they also had a tendency to drop some decent loot. For someone of his Level to have a weapon like the one he had in his hands and have such valuable mobs just fall into his lap was a dream, and he’d be a fucking moron if he let this chance slip away.

Also, he was still sliding across the surface of the expertly waxed and polished floor. He had to hand it to the people Daxter had chosen to share this ship with; they knew their way around maintenance and janitorial stuff. So, as he slowed down, he decided to make like a certain old-timey slapstick action hero and use everything around him to his advantage.

Chairs? Check. Ladders? Not nearby, but he could reach one. A bunch of nameless, faceless, laughably moronic mooks to fuck with? Check and double-check. Oh, and the best part was nearby as well. Axton grabbed a flask of nondescript liquor off of a precariously positioned stack of metal crates. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, this action led to these crates falling and crushing another Marauder to death.

It certainly wasn’t family-friendly fun, considering the gore and dead bodies, but, hey, at least he was having fun! Axton took a swig of the alcohol but immediately regretted that decision and spat it out. Dear fucking lord, that stuff tasted worse than anything he had ever had the displeasure of attempting to ingest!

“The fuck is in this?!” He yelled to no one in particular, completely abandoning his original intent to try and emulate someone from his parents’ very, very old collection of movies.

The firefight stopped for a moment, and someone somewhere spoke up, commenting that it was, and I quote, his “Most recent high-quality Craft Brew.”

Axton looked at the flask, tossed it over his shoulder, and then proceeded to just walk up to a stunned Marauder and touch him with the still highly dangerous shock baton in a very naughty place. The man stayed upright longer than anyone would have liked, Axton included, and Axton, partially out of surprise at the dead man’s ability to stay upright despite the tremendous electrical current running through him, kept the baton on the man’s unmentionables.

Eventually, though, Axton snapped out of his stupor and let the corpse’s now smoldering junk (or at least what was left of it) avoid taking any more electrical damage. The dead man stayed upright despite this, though, and Axton gave the man a light tap on the head with his free hand, which caused the corpse to fall on its back while locked in the position it was in moments prior.

“Wow… I figured I could pull off some old-fashioned comical action, but I never considered just how dangerous it really is….”

Axton’s musings were interrupted as another Marauder tried to hit him with the buttstock of his blaster, but before he could bring harm to him, a misplaced step sent the Imperial to the ground and his blaster into the air. The gun tumbled through the air, landing on the stock and bouncing, only to hit another Marauder’s chest armor at an odd angle and accidentally discharge. This bolt of energy then shot off, hitting yet another Imperial Marauder square in the face, which, in turn, sent him to the ground.

Obviously, the equipment these Marauders had was sub-par at best, or maybe it actually was average, but regardless the newly dead man’s weapon discharged due to the corpse’s poor trigger discipline and blew a chunk out of another Marauder’s side. Emitting a perfect Wilhelm Scream, the unlucky man tumbled to the ground, clutching his side. As you might expect by now, this man had obviously not learned the lesson taught to him by the previous cadaver, and his trigger disciple left much to be desired as well.

Like a true comedy of errors, this Rube Goldberg style cavalcade of fuck-ups continued unabated, ending life after life as Axton’s absurd luck led to death after death, all while the regular crewmen all avoided taking a single scratch. One minute after Axton’s second kill had dropped his weapon, the entire area was utterly devoid of anyone willing or able to stand up against the crew and passengers of the ship.

Axton, meanwhile, had watched all of this go on, silently wondering to himself if this was actually happening and if someone, somewhere, was laughing their ass off at this mess. He certainly wasn’t. He had only been credited with the two kills that he himself had made. All of that death since then, though, had seemingly gone to nobody, which pissed him off greatly.

But, as much as that was a very vexing issue, he was still gaining Exp from Thomas’ rampage in another portion of the ship. He was glad right now that not only was his friend not here to witness this embarrassment but also that he had allowed them to use the Equal Exp Sharing setting of Party Play.

He just knew Thomas wouldn’t let him live this down, and also that he would eventually find out. Oh, well. Better to break the news of this embarrassment himself than risk it being filtered through undesired channels.