Chapter Thirty Two

The first reaction I have is trying to move.

I want to reach out my hands and feel the objects in this space. I want to walk around measuring the dimension of the cage. There are so much things I would do to break out of this darkness, but all of them require moving.

My consciousness orders my body to move. The neurons have successfully sent out the messages, yet I am still trapped there. Why?

I try very hard to feel my surroundings. There aren't any chains or immovable objects that constrain my limbs. In fact there isn't anything at all, just voidness.

Again I order my hands to move. This time a lot stronger. I squeeze every particle of my thoughts into this order, as if it can somehow strengthen the message.

But again, nothing.

It is a weird feelings. The messages are as if they can't find the destination. I am a child imagining to maneuver wings. Even if I picture every muscle movement accurately, and even if I build this flying memory into my instincts, I still can't fly, because I don't HAVE wings.

This is the similar feeling, except I do not have arms and legs.

What now? Then why am I still standing in balance? Why am I not falling down?

But who knows I'm standing right now? What if I'm lying flat on the ground? What if I'm hanging off a rope? And how could I know?

In a dimension of pure emptiness, I have no perspective. My view and my perspective is reality, because there is nothing besides thoughts in this world. On a drawing with nothing drawn on the paper, there is no way to determine the perspective of view. If I believe I'm standing, then I am. If I choose to say I'm sitting down, then I am actually sitting down. How can I know anyways? I'm the only human, no, the only living thing in this universe. But what if I don't even exist. Maybe here I am just a cluster of thoughts.

Then this terrible loneliness and fear strike me.

My adrenaline is not pumping. I am not faced with hostilities, but pure fear. I am alone here in this world. And I can never get out. There's no way for me to even move. My senses are defected, maybe not, but there's nothing for me to perceive. I don't know how long I will be staying like this? For eternity perhaps. Until I die. Or worse, I can't die here. Then I will be tortured like this forever.

I have lost count of the time after thirty minutes.

No. Where are others? Where is Skye? I still need to warn her about Roger! And can Roger be trusted? He seems to be faking an alliance so he can intentionally lead me into the Reader. But why? Why does he want to show me these memories? Is he trying to pass me a hidden message? Was he also controlled like me a year ago?

A thousand question comes up every second.

And then Jessica.

Even now I am still unconsciously avoiding this memory. But I have to face it. Jessica has vanished because... Because... But no way. Even when I was under the effect of the drugs, I still recognized her. There's no way I have pulled that trigger. She must be alive somewhere now. Maybe the reason I still haven't found her is because she's hiding. From what? I don't know. But she must be alive.

But... I might have shot her. It must have been me. I held the pistol up without any hesitation. No. No. I couldn't have controlled my body. It was the drugs. They manipulated me to shoot her. It wasn't me. It was them who murdered her. I feel an overwhelming anger rising up.

So what? This is MY fault! I couldn't have saved her. She was captured by them, yet I didn't know. She kissed me. Right before I killed her. That kiss was far not enough for a farewell. If only I was tougher! If only I had a stronger will! If only I cooperated better with Jessica's plan! Jessica wouldn't have died! Why am I so useless? Why am I so weak? I watched the people I love dying right in front of my eyes - ST300 and Jessica, and countless other humans - and I can't do anything to save them! Worst of all, I could have, but I was too weak!

I don't deserve to love Jessica. I don't deserve to be with Skye. I am not even able to protect myself. Whoever that has gotten close to me has paid their lives in the end.

I must avenge for Jessica! I will find Roger and tear him apart piece by piece! I will hunt down every Higher Official and crush their bones one by one with telekinesis! I will get the Overseer and torture him, or her, with the worst methods possible!

That thought shifts my mind back onto the current situation. How am I going to ever find them? I can't break out of this. Then my anger immediately collapses and is replaced by a more intense fear.

I don't know how long has passed since I am trapped into this voidness. It feels like days. The past memories all seem like a dream.

What if Jessica and Skye never exist.

What if my life is always like this? Empty. Soulless. Ever since I start to exist, I am locked into the shackles of this universe. What if I have always been locked in this coffin for my whole life? There is never me. All my human life, all the emotions, seems like a dream that I have had in this universe of despair. Now that dream is wakened. And I will never have a dream like that ever again. All that lies in front of me is nothing. I have no more fate, no more future, nor do I have any happiness or hope to live for.

What if everything I have known never exist? What if I am the only thing in this universe? And this is the only universe. There's no concept of escape, because there's nowhere else.

This nightmare is the only thing real.