Chapter 9: Blue bird

President, do you know that I have always looked at you?

That day I saw you in the hallway on the first day of high school, my heart skipped a beat. To see you again on this middle of nowhere island, this has to be fate. I told myself that my debut should be top priority, because of that I didn't greet you. That was a lie, I just couldn't muster the courage.

Time passed and everything just seemed to fall apart. Even though I tried my best, President, nothing worked out. All the days spent practicing, learning on how to speak, to walk, to act, to be cutesy. All the time spent in front of the mirror perfecting this 'fluffy' look of mine. Everything was for naught. I couldn't squeeze my way in this impenetrable community.

But everywhere there are 'those' kind of people, right? Those who are outside of the social norms. I could seek them out, maybe I could make friends that way!

Oh, how naïve I was. Look at this 'cutesy' girl, why would someone like that be interested on all of this niche things! That what they all said. Posers like myself should just stick it. It was amusing to hear that actually. Of course, there were those who would hang out with me but why I could tell. The way they leered at me, the way they tested the water. I was desperate but not to the level of whoring myself out.

It may be superficial, it may be shallow, instead of bending backward for others I should be myself. But… I want to have friends, I want to be popular, I want people to like me.

Then I would think of you, maybe I should come to talk, strike a conversation. But then I would tell myself off. After all, doing that is just like treating you as a backup plan or some sort. Because of the guilt I couldn't do it… but of course that was also a lie. Before I knew it you somehow befriend the school most popular, that Akihiko. Everyone wanted to be with you, everyone wanted to be your friend. You achieved what I always dreamt of.

That at least gave me some solace, knowing that you succeeded. But somehow it felt lonely.

One day, as I was staying behind to find the painting you threw away, I heard a voice. It was beautiful, angelic and my ears were pierce by the sweetest of sound. I was saved, purified just by hearing. But soon, as the novelty wore off, all that left were a feeling of dread. I found myself buried by it all, the stress, the horror.

But I kept on going, never once did the thought of ending it all entered my mind. No matter what happened I still tried my best. Even though it was such a pain to apply all the make-ups, do my hair every morning, meet with my uncaring classmates and faced with a paranormal voice.

One day, a girl sat next to me and tried to talk. It wasn't anything much but I was thrilled, my heart felt like bursting from the joy. Everything just started to go up from there. People started to warm up to me, I made more and more friends. My efforts paid off finally! I had the high school life that I had always wanted. No more than that, I found myself the centre of attention.

Kind, caring, cheerful, decently smart and a bit ditsy, people would turn around when I walked by. But I am such a selfish girl, I was living the dream yet I still wanted more. For you to look at me… President, the way the panicked you are looking at me right now make me want to blush!

I want to say something but it is too late as I smashed against the hard ground and die instantly.

It was a collaborative event between two elementary schools, there were plenty of games and competitions. I just sat there in the corner for the whole time, not doing anything. Whenever some kids from your school came my way, one from mine was ready to tell them off.

"Don't play with that Aoi" They would say "She is not nice, she is crazy" They would whisper.

Soon no one tried to approach me anymore. That was when I noticed someone else also sitting by himself, it was you President. But unlike me even the teachers seemed to avoid you. With just one look I can tell why, your clear blue eyes were filled with so much scathing disdain. But it was directed to no one because you looked at no one. I would sometime see it, bigger kids, seniors acting like they don't care just to invite attention, just so they could wallow in their angst.

But you were different, there wasn't a shred of compassion nor humanity. You wouldn't harm a fly not out of kindness but because you just didn't care. It was repulsive, uncanny, enough to make even the adults avoided you. Wherever you went, there was this empty circle around you as people just drifted away unconsciously or not.

Then came the competition where students showed of their craft with papers. Everyone was forced to participate, I threw the match. When I looked up you were already done. All you did was cut out a paper circle with a box-cutter. Of course, yours wasn't considered at all.

It caught my eyes, however, so I dug up and measured it. In just a few seconds, in just one stroke you made a masterpiece. You cut out a perfect circle without any measuring tool.

You were solitary but excellent. You inspired me to endure the rumours and waded on by myself as an independent person…

…

…

…

"Aoi! Wake up!"

President, is that you? I am supposed to be dead, how can I still hear you calling out for me? I open my eyes to find the President and Dorian sitting over me in a panic.

"You are still… alright" The man said with tears streaming down his face.

"Anyway, we need to move!" The President said in a hurry.

Dorian nods and carries me in his arms. With that we made our way down the hill, back to town. Everything still feel like a dream, however, as I can clearly remember my head colliding with the ground. I was falling from the third floor, that was fatal… Or maybe I did die and was revived once again by Dorian's power. This time my memory is still here though.

"What the…" The President said in horror as we returned to where we came from, the school.

"The rot must have trapped us in some sort of alternate dimension of its own making" Dorian concluded "That's why I could re… manipulate things so easily" The man changed his sentence half-way through after glancing at me.

There is no need to hide, I already know what you were talking about reviving me. In this dimension, everything isn't real, but the damages dealt to the fakes would transfer back to the genuine articles. At least that's my speculation.

I want to tell them to put me down, that I can walk by myself but I can't. My body is still shaking from that encounter.

That thing first appeared from afar, a humanoid figure with an unbearable smell. For some reason I couldn't make out any details at all. I could tell that its skin was charred and rotting, but nothing specific. Its moment was strange, tortured as it inched closer and closer to me, twitching all the way. Its arms and legs were twisting unnaturally, enough to make one vomit.

It was revolting indeed but nowhere near the elementary you, President. I was surprised even, to be overwhelmed by that thing once, killed even. Nevertheless I kept my guard up as it inched closer.

But the more it moved, the more I started to feel sorry for this thing. It has caused me, the President many more so much pain and yet it was just pathetic. That thing can barely walk, every time it moved there was this pained sound. Its bones creaked and snapped constantly, barely sending the pitiful thing to the ground.

The moment it moved closer, however, all of my senses were brutally violated. Everything around me seemed to decay that very instant. The once familiar hallway contorted and shifted. Strange dissonant sounds, vying for dominance over one another, filled my ears. My nose was also assaulted by the smell of excrement and burnt flesh. The inside of my mouth also adopted the taste of fetid meat and maggots.

Overwhelmed I threw up what little I had for breakfast this morning. I was rather thankful for not having anything at lunch.

My knees went weak and it could feel it. The thing let out a blood-curdling scream as it violently snapped its joints in places. There was another scream and then the thing lunged at me. I tried to run and would probably escape. But then, my trembling legs had to trip over each other and I landed head first into the ground.

Before I could recover the thing was already on top of me, starring straight into me. Suddenly there was a moment of silence, of tranquillity as I looked back at the empty socket, where its eye should be if it had any. It didn't last long as the thing immediately started to strangle me, for the second time apparently.

I tried to struggle but couldn't muster up any strength against this eldritch horror. So this was why I died last time…

"Pr…pre…President" I tried my best to call him. I could barely open my mouth out in fear of something decayed forcing itself in. But then in this second encounter I made a discovery that he must know. And so, with great difficulty, I tell him "It… the rot can bleed… it can be… hurt!"

This time when facing it, I was armed. With the last of my power, I stabbed it with mother's gift, the combat knife which the President had picked up next to my corpse. I could hear it howled in pain as I kicked it to the side. Before I could run away though, that thing managed to catch and throw me out of the window.

Ah, just remembering that encounter make me want to shiver.

I can feel my body getting colder and colder. Dorian seems to be panicking. As I raise my dangling arm all I can see is a discoloured limb with blue-ish veins all over.

"C…Can you… get me… the mirror in the back pocket…, pretty… please President~"

I turn into Dorian's chest and with all of my fading strength lift up this arm to cover this face. I must look horrible now, a girl can't possibly show this around. Ah, what a disgrace…

President, do you know how overjoyed I was to finally be able to approach you at first.

Back then, I asked to be part of your club as an excuse. All I wanted was to talk to you for the first time. Funny, isn't it, I had been looking at you for years and yet we never even met.

Seeing you all surprised like that was simply too much for my frail heart to handle. It just made me wanted to push you more and more, to see all that delicious expressions of yours. Looked at you fumbled for a reply was just too endearing. I felt like eating you up right then and there.

It worked better than I had ever hoped though. Oh, President, of course I would notice you watching me. I must applaud your serious stealth skill there, I myself didn't spot you at first. But when you walk over to observe me, everyone around you is my friend. Even though you tried your best not to stand out one or two were bounded to notice. They informed me and I told them to keep mum. Armed with that knowledge, locating you wasn't that difficult.

It was exhilarating to be watched, to have you looking my way for the first time. As your long-time admirer, I was honoured somewhat. Oh my, that came out wrong, didn't it? Tee hee~

When I met you in that drawing room, the look on your face confused me greatly. When you broke down crying and buried yourself in my chest I was contented, ready to die there even… Hah, I wonder if it is insensitive to make joke about your own demise. Nevertheless, holding you then was one of the happiest moment in my life. Too bad I didn't have much cushion for you. Oh my, now that was a bit too much for the 'innocent' me! Tee hee~

Of course, you still managed to surprise me that day. I never expected you to see them, my plainer side, my athletic side, my brainy side. But of course, how could I hide those sorts of thing from the President. Just suppressing my feeling was already difficult enough. It was embarrassing at first but that soon changed into excitement. For you to see that many sides of me, oh my!

Still, thanks to that I could feel more relaxed around you, more casual. I could show up earlier today looking like that.

But still, the me dying me now is too much to bear. I am naught but withered, it seems like Dorian's magic is not working this time. My skin is greyish pale, my once soft lips are now shrivelled. I can't let you see me like this. I would rather the casual me to be the last image you saw if I truly die this time. Too bad I couldn't show you something cuter, prettier. But everything is better than the me right now.

I can hear the President trying to hear something but can't seem to make out what. I can feel Dorian running, the man still try his best not to shake me too much however. Such a nice guy, too bad I can't seem to like you more. Don't get me wrong, the man had helped me in my darkest of time. But then, I could never forget it, the after-effect that he brought. The existential dread that I went through.

Still, I want to thank you but I can no longer open my mouth.

I am slowly drifting away but something tells me the moment I fall asleep, it would be the end. There must be something I can do…

…

Here I am lying in the darkness, the ground feels neither warm or cold. Even if I open my eyes, nothing is there to be seen. It feels lonely but somewhat liberating. I could lie in the dark like this forever. Freed from all the shackles, I don't have to worry about my look, my friends, my life anymore.

Is this what death feels like? Not too bad I must say.

As I lay there, I can feel something approaching as if to denounce my assumption. It's the rot, coming here to finish the job, to consume me whole. Something it's strange though, that thing is still so revolting, enough to make your stomach churns. Yet, there is an inviting quality to it.

SuRre[it's hurt]Nder, lEt [please]YOurseL[anybody]f beCome parT oF T[can you hear me]he mire.

I guess it doesn't really matter, I have resigned myself to be here after all. Besides, the mire sounds like a lovely place for some twisted reasons.

Suddenly, I can feel a sharp pain on my hand. Opening my eyes, I am greeted by a plain looking blue bird with a yellow feather stripe on its head. There is something alluring about the creature, however. I want to take a closer look but it just flies away.

"Wait, come back here!"

I yelled but of course it doesn't stop. Seeing nothing better to do, I stand up and chase after it. This bird doesn't seem to be particularly fast though. I quickly catch up after a quick sprint. Before I can grab it, the blue bird flies a way again.

"Ah, just stop!"

Catching up to isn't much of a problem but before I could swipe it out of the air, something pulls me back.

"What the!"

Hands, clinging to my back, my legs, my hair. I try to shake them off to no avail, the grips just keep on getting stronger and stronger.

"Let me go, I want to catch it, I need that blue bird!"

Grunting, I manage to break free. There is no time to rest, however, seeing that whatever it is after me is right behind.

I once again catch up to the bird rather quickly but of course it escapes my grasp. That thing is always there, right in front of me, toying with me. It's infuriating, I'm tired but… I want it, that bird!

I keep on running, my chest feels like bursting and my breathing is getting more and more rushed. My muscles seem like they are going to be ripped apart anytime soon. My lungs are in tremendous pain. Nevertheless, I kept on running.

This is still nothing compared to what I had been through.

President, do you know that I am like this because of you?

I was isolated because of fear, because of a mistake I made once. They would never let it go, every student in school knew about it. Everyone avoided me, even the teachers were wary around me.

Of course, how could that be a problem! I was an elementary school kid! No kid that age have any trouble that could be considered substantial! That was what everyone said. For that reason they were fine with me being ostracised, being beaten up.

Only father and mother were supportive of me but there was nothing that they could do. They never told me but I knew, they would go to every teachers' houses, tried to convince them to help me. So that I could be accepted. There were times when they returned late, I could see father's knees all dirtied, his forehead slightly red.

It didn't change anything, however. There was no other choice for us but to transfer. I didn't mind though because by that time, I had already met you for the first time. Your uncaring nature was to the point of abhorrent but what struck me the most was your acceptance of it.

The President back then wasn't liked and he never minded it in any capacity. To me who was ostracized constantly, that way of living was inspirational. Who need others, why should I seek acceptance! I didn't need it any from those people anyway. I just need to be myself, be who I am.

Just like you, President.

Soon the new school heard of my feat, as expected. Many were scared, others just didn't care, some were amazed. It was a more diverse range of reactions than what I was used to. Nevertheless, it didn't bother me at all. I am an independent agent, I am myself, there is no need for others.

And so, I was content being all by myself for the next four years of elementary school.

Finally, junior high arrived, it was a new school but familiar faces anyway. Many have forgotten my past deed but I have no intention of changing now. If anything happened, I would just be ditched anyway so why should I try. Why should I befriend them, that was what I genuinely thought. The me back then was such a brat~

I was content with this life of mine until I saw you again, attending the same school. I didn't believe it at first, the person that I saw. That callous boy was gone, replaced by a pale imitation, surrounded by people. You even tried to confess to a girl, your class representative if I remembered correctly.

The more I saw, the more enraged I became. You of all people were trying to mingle. What happened to that defiant boy, thought? Where was that person that I yearned to be like?

In the end, you was also like the rest. You would rather change, diluted yourself just to be accepted! The smile you would put one, that dorky expression, everything about you disgusted me! I tried to look away, thinking it was just my imagination.

Things kept on going that way for the rest of the year. I would be myself, I would avoid you at all cost, I would rather not even look at you.

Until that day, when you and your friends were ambushed by a bunch of high-school seniors. They took all of your money and even those in your company were enraged. Yet, what did you do, talk back? No, all you did was kneeling on the ground asking them to leave. That act shocked even those who you would call friends.

In the end, those people left with your money and your dignity.

I didn't know what compelled me to go after those bullies. Maybe it was of how pathetic you were, or maybe because the sight of your dirtied knees reminded me of father. Nevertheless, I decided to go and get your money back. I would shove it back to you and then maybe, President, you would truly leave my mind.

Apparently, I didn't expect someone else beating me to the punch. I still remember it vividly, the scene on that day. The tiny you standing there with a bloodied box-cutter in your hand. All four bullies were on the ground, withering in pain.

No other traces of blood could be found, no other signs of struggle. I didn't understand at first but when I looked at where they were clutching I understood. All those areas were painful but non-lethal, as long as pressure was applied properly. Mother taught me about such places. Meanwhile, there you were completely unscathed.

You simply retrieved the money without a single word. And that eyes, they were simply hollow. Those bullies to you simply didn't exist. At that very moment, I was paralysed by your presence. That callousness, that blatant disregard for others, that lack of empathy. It was the boy I saw that day!

I started to watch you, I wanted to know more about you. Then I could see it, deep underneath that friendly boy was someone trying to gain humanity. You hid your gaze of disdain, your uncaring attitude. Instead, you faked everything, your smile, your happiness, your friendliness. But you tried to fake them with such a genuine effort. You really did try to be… a person.

That was when I also learn, the President eyes never lie.

But no matter how hard you tried, the cruelty of your nature was still there. It continued to torment you. But it was a pain you could avoid, if only you didn't try to change yourself. If only you didn't try to be someone you were not.

There was a strange sense of satisfaction in me, seeing you failed like that. Maybe I hoped that it would validate my choice somehow.

Then she came, Willow. Another foreigner with yellow hair and blue eyes just like you. She was beautiful, charismatic, intelligence, athletic, an adept in pretty much everything. That girl was stunning, perfect. People of course flocked over to her side, she was born to attract others after all. Even all attempts to outright resist her charm fail. I opted to avoid that girl entirely.

You would remember her alright. She was your girlfriend for the last two years of junior high.

Before I knew it, you two were together, inseparable… well, while you were together anyway. Thanks to her, you changed for real. Soon your indifferent nature was gone. In its place was a kind and caring person. You became easily overwhelmed and even embarrassed easily.

You were dead to me… or at least that was what I wanted.

Life went on but I couldn't seem to get you out of my head. Two more years passed and it was the end of junior high. During that time, mother was gone for good. I wanted to cry only to find out I seemed to remember how. It was somewhat… painful, being unable to shed tears like that.

I was going to move, to this cursed island. I thought you would be gone forever, out of my life once and for all. I wanted to leave in peace, in silent but in the end, that didn't happen.

No, I was still too confused because of you. I never could get you out of my head. The once cruel you were smiling so brightly, so innocently.

You were happy.

I also want a taste of it, happiness that is. I decided to change. I decided to follow your footsteps one more time.

And so, I became who I am today. The cute, the well-loved, the popular Aoi

…Yet, I nearly threw it all away just to lie here forever! I was nearly lured away by the temptation of peace. That was what I rejected already. I chose to change, to try my best to truly live, to experience life! No, this darkness won't swallow me, this rot won't have me! I will continue to struggle, to soldier on till the last shred of my power!

I yell out with all my might.

"Please, lead me out of here, blue bird!"

I could see it speed up, flying further and further away. If that is the case then I will just have to run faster, I just need to try harder. My vision starts to blur, my body feels like bursting. My legs are becoming harder and harder to move. But I push on anyway!

Finally, this body of my, explode. I could feel a sudden surge of adrenaline and finally everything is clear. My body is lighter than ever and the bird seems slower than ever.

I clench my teeth to make a final sprint and nab that blue bird.

As I touch the creature, warmth envelops this hand of mine.

I regain my consciousness to find you clutching my pale dying hand closely. Tears are streaming out of your clear blue eyes.

"Aoi, I… I am glad" You said with your shaky voice, because of me.

"Pre…si…dent..~" I replied with tired breath. Sorry, President but that was all I could muster.

Ah, I am still… It is difficult, my neck is rigid, but I try to turn away anyway. I am still dying, I can't let the President sees me like this.

"There is no need to turn away" You held me back gently.

"B..b…ut" I couldn't say anything, my throat has given out for now.

I try my best to move but my body is frozen as you gaze into my eyes.

"There is no need to hide. I truly do find Aoi beautiful even like this"

Ah, you are cheating President, looking at me like this. Your eyes never lie I know, they tell me that what you said… was true. It wasn't just a consolation, you truly find this withered me… beautiful.

Come to think of it, I have heard many ways to describe me. Cute, charming, pretty, attractive and even alluring. Yet, 'beautiful' sounds so foreign…

"I am going to end this, don't worry I have a plan" The President said with great conviction "I will leave just for a bit… don't worry I will definitely return. Just promise me… that you would live!"

With those words, you look into my eyes and hold both my cold hands tightly. Oh, how could I turn you down like this. All I can do now is to give you a nod and the best smile I can muster. You looks back at me with gentle eyes and give me a kiss on the forehead.

My face is tired but I will keep on smiling as you leave and I will stay her like this for your return, still with this smile of mine.

…

…

…

President, do you that I like you very very much… a very long time now…