Strapping an embroidered apron that says 'Bless this Chef' around his waist, John announces his master plan. "Pat, I'm going to teach you how to cook!"

John passes a kitchen knife into Patrick's hands. He gripped it with both hands, and could feel sweat between his fingers.

"Why now? Why am I cooking?"

"The most important job a young lad like us has to do is feed ourselves. But you, my friend, have an extra duty!"

"Wait what?"

"You have a relationship with Ben right?"

"No?"

"You are in *some* form of relationship with Ben, right?"

"I… guess?"

"The key to any good relationship is making sure both members get something out of it. From what I've seen, Ben isn't seeing the magic that I know you hold. Do you know what would fix that?"

"I guess from all of this… food?"

"Food is the fastest way to the heart. We are going to give Ben heartburn with your cooking!"

"I don't think heartburn is a good thing."

"The recipe we will be covering is a basic pasta dish called Cacio e Pepe, which is at its most basic form: cheese, pepper, and pasta."

"Wait, I'm learning a recipe? Shouldn't I be learning some kitchen techniques?"

"In theory, learning the techniques would be great. But, when it comes to teaching something completely new, experience is far more important."

John continues. "I've taught, and been taught by others in a variety of sports. I'd be more afraid of the person with 5 hours of gameplay, than 5 hours of training. While techniques are important for future improvement, it is far better and more fun starting out to just wing it!"

He opened the cupboard to grab pepper, salt, pasta, a grater, and a new pot; then to the fridge to grab some cheese.

“I think Cacio e Pepe literally means pepper and cheese in Italian. That's all we are using tonight!”

John tosses a pack of cheap spaghetti on the counter.

"Can you get this pack of pasta cooking while I use the bathroom? Good man."

Giving Pat a pat on the back, he heads off to the downstairs bathroom.

Given 6 people have to share a bathroom between each other, John was more than expecting a full bathroom. Thankfully, as he turned the corner the previous user was leaving.

"Hey Anthony."

"Hi John. Was that the final person in the kitchen with you?"

"Yep! He's a mate from primary school, and somehow we ended up at the same uni after so many years!"

"Damn. The DM ran out of ideas to glue you two together." Anthony chuckled at his own joke.

"Sounds about right. Aite, I'll see you on Thursday!"

"Yep."

John went on his phone while sitting down to pee.

"Why do I smell smoke?"

After washing his hands, he returned to the kitchen to see Patrick panicking, holding a pot arm's length away erupting smoke.

"Help!"

"Oh my god. Pat, give me that."

After snapping the windows open, John dunked the entire pot into the sink and flooded cold water over it, sizzling as it cooled.

Looking at the pot, the entire base was full of burnt black mass.

"What did you do?"

"I don't know! I followed the cooking instructions for the pasta!"

John was about to ask further, until he figured out what happened. "Wait, have you ever cooked pasta before?"

"No?"

"Did you know you're supposed to boil pasta?"

Pat lowered his head in embarrassment. "Ah. Sorry, the packaging only said to cook for 7 minutes. I thought the smoke was normal, but when it was time and it was still smoking, I picked it off the hob."

Scratching his head, John wonders what to do next.

"Alright, change what I said earlier. Jump head first, but have someone keep an eye on you while you do it."

Patrick covered his face with his hands.

"I'll clean out the pot tonight. Here, let me show you how to cook pasta."

He begins by filling the pot with a small amount of water, maybe only a third up the side of the pot, and salting it.

Putting it on the hob, he hands Pat the grater, the cheese, and a bowl.

"Can you use a grater?"

"Erm… can you watch me do it?"

"Sure. Be careful of the holes. They are sharp and can cut your fingers.

After a few attempts, Pat figured it out. Meanwhile, John toasted a tablespoon of peppercorns and crushed them with a knife. When the cheese was grated, he popped it into a bowl along with the pepper.

When the pasta was done, John moved the pot off the heat and ushered Pat over to witness the final step.

"So, here is some magic. There are many ways to make pasta with sauce, but this one is the easiest."

Using a fork, he holds the pasta in the pot as he drains about two thirds of the liquid, leaving enough to visibly pool at the bottom.

After swirling the pasta water slightly until the steam calmed down, all he did was dump the entire pot into the bowl of peppered cheese and began mixing it around like he was whipping cream.

After just a minute or so, the ingredients have fully merged to create a creamy luscious sauce, coating the perfectly cooked pasta.

"If the pasta sounds like sex, it's perfect."

"Sex? Sex has sounds?"

"ForgetIsaidanything. Anyways, how is the pasta?"

Patrick swirled up a fork full of pasta. It looked significantly better than the pasta that he would have been given.

He took one bite.

"Woah! John, this tastes pretty good!"

"I know right? This is the magic trick. As long as the cheese and pasta step is done correctly, you can replace the pepper with basically anything and make at least a functional pasta dish!"

"It is a little cold though. Is that normal?"

"This is because boiling water can't make a cheese sauce, and I let it cool beforehand. If you microwave it for a moment and mix it, it should be perfect."

"Microwave?"

"It's that red box over there. Put it in for 30 seconds at a time and you can't go wrong."

As Pat figures out the labyrinth of digital buttons, John places the cheese back in the fridge and assesses the situation in there.

"I saw you putting your meal replacements in here earlier today. Does Ben know about them?"

"Erm… no… is it okay if you don't tell him?"

"Don't worry. My lips are sealed." He looked around. "Where are they?"

"Top shelf behind your beans."

"Oh, they aren't mine."

"Huh? Didn't you eat them earlier?"

"They are Luna's. He's a great lad, but he made quite a laugh. Yesterday, he bought a 4 pack of beans. Never tried them before, and he was so excited. He ate it in front of us to prove he liked it, but after like 5 bites, he said he didn't!"

Pat chuckled along with John as he laughed at his own story. "He gave the remaining cans to me, but he tried to eat it again this morning and that's why there are two half eaten cans of beans!"

"Couldn't he have eaten the previous half-eaten can?"

"See, that's the funniest part! I should find some way to invite you along with that guy. He is so crazy."

"Anyways, we are somewhat low on food. Do you want to tag along with Ben to the grocery shop?"

"With Ben? Is he already going?"

"Sure!"

Shuffling his toes, he replies. "I guess… if he is already coming… it should be okay."

"Aite!" John walks out of the kitchen and knocks on Ben's door. "Do you want to go to the shops with Pat today?"

"Liar!"

John leaned in to whisper. “Look, everyone in the sports centre says going shopping together is basically a date. And, you can get food! How can anyone be mad?”

“If you lied to them, they might!”

Suddenly, a familiar annoyed voice bellowed into the common room. “Can both of you shut the fuck up!?”

Ben slammed his door open, instantly cutting their argument short as they apologised profusely for making noise right outside his room.