Part V: Beyond Atonement

By Nevena Dals, Apostate

I couldn’t stop staring at him as the blood pooled around his crumpled-up body and filled the cracks of the walkway. There were a thousand eyes on me and the man in front of me and I felt each and every one of them penetrating me as I watched him—somewhat waiting for and somewhat hoping for some form of movement. Something. Some way of knowing he was still alive, but I watched for what felt like a long time and he didn’t move. He didn’t breathe. He just laid there as the pool got bigger and bigger until it finally spilled into the canal, but I couldn’t move. I don’t even know how I was breathing. I was just—stuck. Stuck in a loop as my mind replayed it over and over until I didn’t want to think about it anymore—and then it kept going some more.

I didn’t know this man before a day ago and I didn’t know much about him beyond his name and the fact that the Tong wanted him dead and there I was—a dagger in my hand still dripping with his blood and him face-down on the walkway. I didn’t know him. I certainly didn’t want to kill him. I never wanted to kill him or anyone else. I’ve done horrible things in my life, but I’ve always done them for the right reasons—at least I thought they were for the right reasons. I thought the things I did were for a good cause—I was doing my duty to the Temple and to the Three but even then, I was never asked to do something like this. I was never asked to take a life. I’ve always known it could be a possibility—someday—but I never thought that it would actually happen or that it would happen like this.

It took me a few minutes to regain my composure after I watched him fall face-first into the walkway. He never knew it was coming and probably never even felt it as the blade slid up into the cranial cavity. For him, it was probably like blowing out a candle. One moment he’s there and the next—he’s just—not. He didn’t have to hear the sound of his face smashing into the walkway and his nose breaking as he hit the ground like a sack of ashyams. He didn’t hear it. He didn’t see it. He didn’t have to be there—he was just gone—and I was the one who made him just gone. I—I killed a man. I’m a murderer.

ALMSIVI forgive me.

I have done what no one should do. I have taken a life without provocation or justification. I—I wish I could just—go back. I just want to go back to it and stop myself. He didn’t do anything to me, but I—I killed him—in cold blood—because of what? Because he was late on some payments? Because he made a mistake? He’s dead—because I’m a monster. What kind of creature kills in cold blood? Who even am I?

I want to say Nevena Dals, but the Nevena Dals I am—or used to be—she didn’t kill people in cold blood. She didn’t. She wouldn’t, but I did. I killed a man in cold blood. I killed a man and there’s nothing I can do. I just want to go back and stop it. I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have. I’m a monster.

I just hope wherever you are, Cerebel, you know that I did this, not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I found someone—someone who can help me find you—but they are not here. They are in another part of the Undercity and I have to find them—but the Tong—they wouldn’t let me into the other parts, not without this. Please understand that, Cerebel, please. I would never have done this if not because I had to. Please.