Pain.

Not the kind of stabbing pain, but the feeling of a sore back and the more-or-less unpleasant prickling sensation of rough hay rubbing against the skin.

That can only mean one thing…

Five-year-old me did it!

Good? No.

Great? No.

Fantastic? No.

One hell of a remarkable job, five-year-old me.

Now, where am I?

The air is heavy with the scent of domestic animals and plant matter. Beneath me is a load of hay stacked up in a messy pile whose particles are starting to crawl into my clothes and is making rather uncomfortable.

Around me, there are old, decaying wooden planks nailed together in a tasteless manner that seem to make up the walls of this barn that I am in.

Standing a little way off in the distance is an elf girl that I vaguely…

What’s the maid from the elf palace doing over there?

Also, why is she glaring at me so hard? Did I do something to offend her while I was unconscious?

Uh-oh, she’s walking this way.

“What did you do inside of the audience hall with the king?”

Uhh… what?

I mean, before someone asks questions to a person that’s recently awoken from slumber, it’s usually polite to ask how they’re feeling or if they slept w-

*SLAP!*

“I’ll ask one more time you retarded piece of shit, what the fuck did you do in that audience hall?!”

Owowowow! Why did you do that?

And where did that crude language come from? Aren’t you supposed to be a mild-tongued palace maid?

Normally when someone begins randomly cursing you for seemingly no reason, something terrible must have happened, no?

But what the hell did I do to anger this girl?

Let’s recall the events…

I got kidnapped by psycho bitch, dressed up and presented to the psycho royal family, spouted some nonsense about milking elf boobs, ended up frozen in a block of ice a second time, and finally transferred to wherever this barn is located.

All in all, none of the above events should have anything to do with the elf girl in front of me.

Hmm…

…wait a second.

She’s not in her maid uniform.

Rather, she’s dressed in adventuring garb complete with a brown cloak, a light-blue blouse, a pair of black tights, and grey fur-lined boots.

Around her waist is a belt with various small pouches, some short, strange metal rods, and a simple dagger hidden within a leather sheath.

Did I somehow get her fired from her job?

“Oh, so you’re gonna act fucking dumb now, you son of a bitch?”

*SLAP!*

Hey! That hurts!

I may have a high pain tolerance, but my pride as a man is injured heavily if I’m slapped by a girl across the cheek.

“Do you know how many fucking years and how many damned sacrifices I had to make for that job? Do you know how much blood, sweat, and tears I poured into becoming a fucking maid in the royal palace? Do you know how more than thirty years worth of effort all flew out of the damned window the moment some shit-head waltzed into the palace and was claimed to be the lover of her royal highness?”

…

She’s starting to break down emotionally.

Tears are running down her face.

I can only assume that she got into trouble after the incident caused by five-year-old me.

But why would she be with me here afterwards?

To kill me?

“Thirty years… thirty fucking years wasted all because of a damned piece of shit who doesn’t even know what he’s done.”

No, she can’t be here to kill me. If so, there would be no reason to explain everything or to cry in front of me either.

If she got fired from her job and doesn’t want to kill me, isn’t only logical that she would resent me and avoid me like the plague?

Then why? Why is she here?

I should probably ask, but she’s already collapsed lifelessly to her knees on the ground.

What do I do, what do I do?

Damn it, this is awkward.

Maybe I should just ask the most important question and try to make some sense out of this situation.

“Why don’t you try to kill me then?”

The elf maid looks up at me, eyes still stained with tears and all.

“If I ruined your life to this degree by my own mistakes, then why haven’t you attacked me yet? Although I don’t quite understand your situation and truly do apologize, but what currently does not make sense is the fact that you are here with me and have not attempted to rip my head off.”

“Hah, do you think I don’t want to, you rhetorical motherfucker?”

Standing back up and wiping her tears away, the girl stands up and locks her glare into my eyes.

Although her violet-shade eyes try to intimidate me, I can tell from her body posture that she is weak and worn-out from emotional stress.

“Then, I ask, what is stopping you?”

“I’m bound by a damned magic seal. I can’t do anything that would majorly injure you or cause your death while I’m also forced to protect you from danger, to listen to all of your fucking commands, and to be incapable of even committing suicide.”

What the hell? Scary magic like this also exists?

To be unable to die unless told to, what a fear-inducing thought that is.

“…I apologize for whatever circumstances that I brought about that would force you to receive such a mark.”

“Like fucking hell you would apologize.”

Ummm, what?

“You just obtained an elf that is practically forced to be your damned slave for free and without any repercussions. Why the fuck would you apologize for that? If anything, you should be dancing with joy because you’ve achieved one of the deepest desires of a human male’s heart - acquiring an elf fuck-toy to play around with.”

Woah there, that’s some next level messed up shit.

Do human rights not… well, I mean sentient creature rights not exist in this world?

This world is way more insane than I initially imagined.

“Go ahead! Do whatever the fuck you’d like with me. I’ve already given up on living my life the moment I heard I was going to be kicked out of the palace.”

*Wumph~*

Falling backwards onto a pile of hay, the depressed girl sinks into the bed of golden needles with her arms stretched out perpendicular to her body.

Damn, none of this makes any sense.

Why the hell would the king or queen send this elf along with me after the scene that I raised in the audience hall?

Does the princess still want to marry me after the war is over and the girl is being used as a living tracking device to bring me back at a later date?

And most importantly, why is my current state of existence plagued with all of these questions?

Why am I in this world?

Why do I have a blessing or curse of returning to the beginning every time I die?

Why must I endure all of this in the first place?

Is there some sick god up there that’s getting a kick out of all of this? Is there some lunatic deity that’s watching my life as if it’s some TV show? Is my life just the creation of an author who wishes to see me suffer day and night with all of these ridiculous situations I continuously go through?

Why? Why? Why?

All of these questions just make want to…

“GRAHHHHH!”

Huuuu…

Why the fuck should I care anymore?

What the hell is there for me to care about?

You know what? I should just try going outside and killing everyone I encounter from now on.

It doesn’t matter, right? Everything just resets when I die, right?

So why don’t I do whatever the fuck I…

Shit. Where the hell did this personality come from?

Stress is starting to split my mind apart. I’ve already got enough trouble from five-year-old me, but now I have a psychotic self that’s interested in mass genocide?

Not good.

I’ve got to start calming myself down and stop asking these questions.

They’re not very good for my sanity.

Back to the task on hand, so now where was I?

Oh right.

The elf girl is staring at me as if I’m afflicted with a mental illness.

Well, she wouldn’t be wrong with my current state of mind.

“Are you… fucking alright in the head?”

“Probably not. I myself think that I’m going insane.”

“Great. Just fucking great. Thank the heavens that I’m not enslaved to a perverted guy, but a fucking insane one instead.”

“Hey! I’m not over the hill just yet, it’s just that my own circumstances are causing me headaches after headaches.”

“What damned circumstances? From what I’ve seen, you’re living the fucking dream.”

“If my life were to have any semblance to a dream, it would have to be shitty nightmare. Tell me, do you think I wanted to be your princess’ ‘lover’?”

The elf girl tilted her head sideways as her eyebrows creased in alternating directions.

“Hell no! The damned bitch kidnapped me after I listened to her life story. I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near your people if she hadn’t succeeded and, if anything, your life wouldn’t have been ruined in the first place.”

With eyes widened and mouth agape, the elf maid sits up from her lying down position.

It would appear that she achieved some sort of epiphany from my words.

“Fucking damn it all! No wonder I’m out here with you instead of any of the other fucking maids.”

“And for what reason would that be?”

“I always knew she was fucking psycho, always trying to creep on all the males in the palace but failing to attract any of them. She put the most trust into me out of all the other damned palace maids.”

“And… so?”

“She was always trying to get me to live her fucking relationships for her; forcing me to send godforsakened letters or stalking the every move of her current crush. No fucking wonder I’m here with you; she’s trying to get me to follow you around and serve you in order to make you feel gratitude towards her!”

The elf girl paused for a short moment as her look of surprise crumpled into an appearance of rage tinted with a dash of devastation.

*Sigh~*

“Fucking damn it all… fucking damn it all.”

Tears welled up once more in the girl’s eyes before she slumped over into the pile of hay and buried herself underneath the golden strands.

You and me both, elf girl.